My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

I think it's okay to let go. Sounds like you have done this already. Get your family to back you up.

Inexcusable, if you read the thread to this original post you will find there are so many of us with a similar experience. I hope this helps you with your feelings. There is some good advice here.

I’m new to this forum and I know your (TreadingWater) post is from years ago, but your past is very similar to my present. I feel such sadness and, yes anger, that all I have done for my Mum over many years can be so easily forgotten and she can accuse me of a most horrific crime, distrust me and abuse the love I once felt for her. I feel no guilt, I have done no wrong. The way I feel now is the result of her festering brain taking away loving memories and replacing them with poisonous words that have no place in our mother/daughter relationship.

I wonder if this is a generational thing - those from the so called Silent Generation seem to be the main culprits. Reading all the experiences, it seems they are a carbon copy of my own.

My mum used to say that her ambition was to live to 100 and I thought, oh God, I hope she doesn't - because I don't think I could have put up with any more of her antics. In the event, cancer claimed her life at 78.

She had cut ties with myself and my Dad a couple of years before diagnosis. One day my father rang me up and said that she wanted to talk to me. I said I couldn't imagine why and he said she had cancer.

Well that's different, I thought - although I was also aware that she would be unlikely to have had a personality transplant in the interim. Against my better judgement, I phoned her up and we were having a perfectly civilized conversation. I told her I was more settled with my work and living arrangements at that point, and that I was sorry about her cancer. I was in mid-sentence, when she put the phone down on me out of nowhere.

I spoke with my dad on the phone the next week and he asked me if I had spoken to my mother. I said yes, I had, but that she had put the phone down on me. My father was in disbelief, and said "oh she didn't!" and I said, I can assure you she did. He said, why would she want to do a thing like that, and at such a time? and I said, BECAUSE THAT'S JUST WHAT SHE'S LIKE.

I'm now having to take my relatives to court over her will, as I'm an only child and was left nothing. However, whatever that does or doesn't bring, it's a million times easier than dealing with her. Her pitting me against them, in a sense, is just another way of putting the boot into me and being remembered after her death. Because she couldn't bear anything to not be all about her.

She ruined her own marriage, did her best to ruin mine, all because of her own intrinsic unhappiness with herself, and what she had managed, or not managed, to achieve in life. I could go on, but my rant would last for hours, and much has already been said on this thread.

I feel that there is no room in anyone's life for toxic people, whether or not you are related. You are under no obligation to continue to put yourself and your kids through the hateful, negative air your mother breathes. And there is no need to feel guilty for excluding her from your life. If she were a neighbor, would you tolerate this kind of behavior? Give yourself the freedom to live without the toxicity. You deserve better. Big hugs to you.

I can’t believe I came across this discussion about mother’s who are just not nice people. It has taken me many years to come to the realization that our mom resents my twin sister and I. Mom is nasty, negative, jealous and controlling. I got away from her many years ago but it has been very painful coming to terms that she is never going to be a loving, joyful person.
She is so mean and difficult that she was told they no longer needed where she has worked part-time for the last 15 yrs (she is 78).
My sister and I now have a terrible dilemma. Mom is being verbally abusive to our 80 yr old Dad. He has some memory issues and other health issues that he will not let keep him down. My sis called him today to say she would be down to shovel the heavy snow off the deck. He told my sister he would do it. That set mom off and she was literally screaming at my Dad terrible things like she hope he died and then my sister and I could deal with them. And she wouldn’t go to the funeral and on and on.
My sister went down to their home and took care of the snow. She knocked on the door to return a dish - Mom opened the door, snatched the dish and slammed the door in my sister’s face without a word.
I live in another state and feel so helpless. We don’t want Dad living with
such nastiness. He will not leave the house to stay elsewhere. He told my sister that mom is like this 75% of the time.
How can we help our Dad? I go home when I can but can’t spend more than 24 hrs with my Mom. And, I can’t let my sister deal with this alone.

Arwyn - Welcome! my mother had Borderline Personality Disorder too. I learned to distance early in life. From young I knew she had a problem. I was a distance caregiver for her - POA, medical and financial, and now executrix as she died a couple of years ago aged 106. I was 80 then. It went on far too long. Had I known I might not have taken on those responsibilities. It was not easy, even at a distance. I could never have taken her into my home. Many here understand the difficulties of being an adult a caring for a parent who has been abusive in one way or another to his/her children. You must protect yourself first. I am still going to therapy to work on childhood issues. They are very pervasive.

I can’t believe I have found “my peeps” at last!! I have skimmed through a lot of the posts and am so relieved to have found women dealing with the same thing I am. I am looking forward to shared experiences and shared advice! Everyone I know has nice mothers and I thought I was the only one who didn’t. My mother has Border-Line-Personality Disorder, which is in the same DSM grouping with narcissism. I’ve got something like 25 years of therapy under my belt now, but every time I speak to her it feels like I am being exposed to evil and I can feel my soul dying inside of me.

Mush, yes, yes and yes! Completely identify with your problems, with a mother who is very similar. You mentioned getting a job to relieve the strain. You will see on previous posts that some Forum members have "invented" getting a fab new job that means they can no longer jump when ordered to do so, and who are no longer available for 24/7 help. Maybe you too need a "job" like this? The "job" can be carried out at a location of your choosing and with hours to suit you!!

Wow it's been an eye opener reading people's comments. As I now don't feel alone. I just got done moving my mom next door to us as we had relocated two hours away from our childhood area. I had also relocated both my children and their families. My dad has been gone for over 10 years now and I don't know how he dealt with her and her negativity. My brother walked away from her almost completely 10 years ago. And my half sister helps when she can. I am drowning most days. As she likes to lie to my children about me and will talk negative about me to. And she will talk to me about them and lie about it to. It's kind of comical though as my children know better to believe what she says. I help her all the time and am doing my best to get her settled in her new home. It's taking longer then we expected But it doesn't matter what I do. And she likes to state her opinion about everything and everybody. I am over fifty years old and it's none of her business what my husband and I spend our money on or how we live, but I get lectured. Everyday there is some kind of emergency that really isn't, but she makes every little thing into a tragedy. She thinks that she is the only person her age that has to deal with issues everyday. If this keeps up after I have her completely settled, I may have to move away or get a job so I can have a breather. It's just so exhausting mentally and physically. It affects us, my children and grandchildren. It's sad that even my grandchildren have gotten to the point that they can't handle her much either. I never dreamed I would be dealing with any of this. And does anyone else have the situation that I can watch or hear her talk to other non family members and she acts completely different? It is unreal that she can do that. Her doctors are oblivious I believe because she can put on a charade for them. Sorry this is so long, but thanks for letting me vent.

My god, we are having the same experience with our mothers. My Mother sold the family home and moved 4 hours away to be near her sisters 15 years ago. Brought into a retirement village and has complained about it since then. She now is having health problems and may have to move back this way to be near my brother to go into aged care. Which is going to cost a arm and leg, she has used most of the money up. That is another story!
Whatever I say has always been wrong or stupid. In fact most people are stupid in her mind . Everybody lies and she loves to run people into the ground which I can not put up with. Visiting her is mostly a nightmare. She has her last sister in tears a lot of the time.
I am also 60 . Everything you said I can relate too. Best of luck my friend.

I understand why you're feeling guilty because I too was raised in a narcissistic home. We were conditioned to constantly think of their wellbeing and happiness and most times at the risk of our own happiness. I tried to be a good daughter and sister, but it was always "well that was yesterday, what have you done for me today". It just got to the point that I just couldn't do it anymore. I decided after the last conversation with her which went south I wasn't going to reach out to her first, I was going to let her call me. Well, she never called and then convinced the one sister I had a relationship to stop talking to me as well. At first, I was so hurt but within months I couldn't believe how much better I felt. I could finally start to heal. To be honest, I think it was the nicest thing she ever did for me.

I'm telling you this because I think you may have a similar relationship with your mom. If it were me I would stop having her over for holidays. I would have a nice dinner just for her alone so no one has to suffer because of her behavior. She's not going to be happy either way so you and your family may enjoy your time together.

hugs!!

imagine a life without abusive people around you.
imagine how nice.
lots of time, energy, for you to focus on the right things.

go for life!
for a life without abusive people around you.

i’m not sure these abusive people love us. i think it might not be love. maybe it was convenient sometimes to be nice to us.

hugs and courage!
find freedom. a life without abuse.

wow, my mom turned into a hateful, critical, condescending and difficult person. Yes she can’t drive after she admitted she couldn’t see well and hit a parked car and totaled hers. She has her own house outside the country next to brothers and sisters but she stays with me for months for health care reasons. She has access to healthcare in her home country. She’s 82 and takes care of my autistic older brother because she has kept him out of community programs because according to her he can’t concentrate or work and she didn’t like the programs that were offered in the late 80s. So she has no close relationships, her friend calls her, and she just watches tv and eats all day. She’s against anything I say. I work at home now because of COVID and my youngest and husband are tired of her yelling at my brother, banging dishes in the kitchen when we eat at the table, leaves messes everywhere. She wants me to offer to meet all her needs because she’s too proud to ask. I communicate and request for her to tell me what she needs. I tell my family not to bother me when I am working and she’ll bust through my door and interrupt me. Tell me to talk to people on the phone for her and I have to remind her I’m working. She has personally attacked me by criticizing what I wear, eat and how I look. Tells me that they way I keep my house is to impress my husband. Then she’ll storm off if I say something about her behavior. She’ll be silent and leave food out and the kitchen is upside down. I hire a house cleaner to help and I said we should have another helper during the week because I can’t because I’m working and she’s can’t because she complains how she can’t. Then she’ll say my brother isn’t a problem and she can make him something to eat when she makes herself breakfast. Usually she’s asleep. She won’t say good morning to anyone and just pout. She’ll slap my 16 y.o. son when he’s on the living room computer and annoy him and he’s asked me if he can take the computer to his room and I finally said yes. Now that she’s in her country, I told her she can’t come back because of COVID but my son says he still needs a break from grandma. My house is now peaceful and We all feel so much better. It’s sad that she is so annoying this has affected us in such a negative way and I love her and I wish she’d be sweet like she used to be. I honestly can’t take care of her. I was a single mom for a long time, I’ve worked full time all the time and I still do and my middle child passed away and I’m just worn out physically and emotionally and I truly don’t want any more stress or negativity in my life.

I can relate to much of what you feel. I'm new at this and am hoping to see others' answers. We can only control ourselves. Be kind to yourself. Take breaks outside the home. You're doing the best you can. I pray ALOT and realize at the end of the day she is God's.

DILHagen2, delighted for you and your husband - an excellent example of how to reclaim your life without conpromising on the quality of care the elder is receiving. Your attitude of thankfulness and gratitude for what you have is so much healthier than putting up with stress and enduring bad family behaviour. Enjoy your new found freedom!

MIL is finally in A.L. The last 7 mo. were horrible, trying to help her out in her home w/ the other siblings who are just like their mother. We put up necessary boundaries for our own peace of mind and it was a constant battle w/ the S.I.Laws who felt they could dictate to us how we would help out and when we would help out.
It’s so true that dementia doesn’t change mean spiritedness, pride, racism, cruelty ,critical heart, over-the-top negativity, bitterness, unforgiveness or anger episodes....it just makes it worse.
My husband, her son, is tired of dealing with her. She’s safe in this beautiful new facility & she has the funds to pay for it. Visiting her is stressful because she’s so negative.
Its been a week since we’ve seen her or spoken to her and neither one of us feels guilty. We are SO thankful that my husband isn’t her POA and can make NO decisions for her. What an unusual gift. She always loved her daughters more than her sons and that has been painfully obvious, so now, they can worry about her.
My husband and I intend to go on living the wonderful life God gave us and we will be THANKFUL and GRATEFUL every day for little things and the big things and we refuse to get sucked in to the negativity of his pitiful mother. We don’t “have” to visit her. We don’t “have” to call her. If we do, it’s because we decide, not her and not her guilt trips. Our calls and visits make no difference anyway, so why tear our own health down wringing our hands over current unhappiness? She was miserable in her home with caregivers and now she’s miserable in her new adorable A.L. apartment.
Adults live the way they want to. Any adult can decide to change course, forgive, learn to treat family with respect and heal from their own childhood wounding,let go of perceived offenses and bitterness, but MOST choose not to.

So how do YOU want to live from here on out dear one? What are YOU willing to do to heal from childhood wounding by a narcissist parent? What are YOU willing to do to go forward with this beautiful life that God gave you to live? Go and do that, because life is VERY short. Find your peace in 2021.
God bless.

Great insight, Britney. I also think that there are certain traits that have developed in the children of narcissistic parents that can make them targets for bullying and other bad behaviour when they reach adulthood. I can think of a few jobs I had where I felt singled out for a hard time at work, and think it was probably because I didn't have the necessary emotional tools to set boundaries. I do remember one occasion though when I really thought enough was enough, I resigned and never looked back. I felt so empowered and it also turned out to be the best career move I ever made. Maybe there is a lesson here for us all in our current difficult caregiving situations?

These types of personality traits are all 'narcissistic' elderly mothers who always put down their daughters are never going to apologize to them, because these types of mothers are 'bullies'. They wish to condemn anything positive or happy for their child. When a child is in their formative years and developing into adulthood they need reassurance, compassion, praise, confidence building, empathy from their parent to ground them. If these areas of parenting are neglected and 'neglect' in love, emotional quotient, and emotional support, are missing then that child will become 'self-loathing', withdrawn, isolated, find big difficulties making new friendships, or even keeping any friend at all because they keep 'putting themselves down' and are talking negative language day in day out. The parent who is always condemning their child to negativity, bullying and comparing their child to others who are well off, happy with partners, have children and have everything in life, and then compare that child on a 'social comparison scale' then that parent should not ever have had any right to bear children in my firm opinion. I see very positive family dynamics around me and I see many families with opposite, parents who should never have been parents in the first place.

sounds abusive

Michele, it's important that you've set boundaries with your mother about what is and isn't acceptable. I know it's tough, but you don't have to accept that kind of abuse - from anyone, including your mother. You mentioned writing her a letter but are worried it might sound all wrong. Why not write it anyway, just to get your thoughts out and on paper instead of them churning through your head all the time? You don't have to send the letter at all, but it might be good for you to just get your thoughts and grievances out. When I started therapy, this was one of the earliest suggestions given to me. I wrote "letters" to my mother and stepmother as part of a journal I was encouraged to keep, to help when I was feeling very low. I didn't send them as that wasn't their purpose, but I did feel they helped to lift the emotional burden. You could also try to exercise "compassionate detachment", towards your mother, where you care about the wellbeing of someone, but you do this from a distance and so avoid being a target for their abuse. It sounds like you're probably doing this anyway. Send cards, a Christmas present, whatever, as part of this approach, but tell yourself not to expect anything in return and then you won't be upset or disappointed. Just go through the motions. If you've suffered a lifetime of abuse, you won't change things overnight, but you're more likely to succeed if you take small steps forward. Hope this helps, and stay strong!

Thank you, ChrisCat83. I'm finding it tough not communicating with my mother, but I know that unless she realises that what she's been saying to me is wrong, and is prepared to work on that, I can't do it.
She's said some horrendous things- once for instance that she wished my father would 'just die'- when he was ill. She'd also concealed how ill he was and put me off visiting. In the end I just went there, went to his GP the next morning when I'd fed him (he was hungry and had a urinary tract infection so could not eat as was shaking so much), and they called ambulance. He was in hospital about 3 weeks. I was kind of stunned by what she'd 'not done', but I blocked it out but now it's all hitting me, things she's said. It's like all the pushed down pain of all those comments over the years is coming up now. Combined with realisation that the way my mother has any love for me- if she does- is a kind of weird controlling, sabotaging, jealous love, that I don't feel as love, at all.
I sent her a Christmas card last week- it was a simple message- I hope you find peace and joy this Christmas (printed) - then underneath - I wrote - please try to find time in 2021 to take care of your health'. and, Love, Michele xx
I have had no response or reply. I try to think of a letter I would write to explain how I feel about what has gone wrong, reminding her of things she has said, and explaining why they are not good things to say, but it would just read like a diatribe. My friend described it as a 'stand-off', and I think in the end she will contact me- when she wants something. In the meantime she will find contacts through her elder group to take out whatever it is, on.
She has said in the past 'oh, I fell out with xxx', or 'I haven't seen xxx for a while' or 'I won't be texting xxx any more'. A few times, these friends have come and gone and come back again.
So, I've realised that it's not just me probably, experiencing these behaviours. But because of lockdown and pandemic etc., her outlets for taking a pop at others to make herself feel better have not been there. So, maybe she has burned all her bridges and so upped the ante on me. When is she going to realise that it is her, and not everyone else? I think that without me around to be the outlet onto, she's going to have to think about her behaviour. Without realising it, I've been reinforcing it- by putting up with stuff, just going quiet, not reacting.
I sent my contact details as next of kin to her doctors. I expressed concerns about the drinking and what looks to me like weight loss. The practice nurse called me a few days later and said they had called my mother, and she'd been 'polite but asked who I was and refused to speak to me at first then said she was absolutely fine, etc'. Doesn't sound that polite to me. Anyway the nurse also said, the next day she called back the surgery and apologised for how she spoke to the nurse. That looked promising, as it showed she remembered and reflected on how she spoke to someone. Shame she cannot show the same consideration towards me. Who knows how it will go. I'll stick to my position for now. Until I have talked it through with counsellor, I don't think I should get involved with her. Some very scary anxious feelings about not being in touch with my mum- but if I do get in touch all I'll get is 'I knew you'd be back when you got over that menopausal mood'... or similar.. because to her, everyone else is the one with the problem.

Lefty,

Love your ‘Sweden’ comment! Cute!

The amount of people who relate to this post is wild. My mom is 88, ferociously independent, suffering hearing loss and sporadic dementia, and is so narcissistic and nasty these days that two of her four kids have walked away from helping her. (I'm one of the ones who left) Unfortunately, Mom is only temporarily kind- to strangers. While we kids (in our 50's and 60's) aren't perfect, we have given her an extraordinary life and care for 40 years. One sibling handles medical, one residential, one finances and one is "Sweden" who allows her to talk and complain.
It's sad that she's chewing on us, as we were all raised in a way that we want to help her. When we are on site helping her, she calls us wardens, refers to us a Hitler, says we want things our way and that we're "cold". She is completely disagreeable with us. She lies to the doctors, and tells friend and relatives how cruel we are. It gets us all very upset. It would be so nice if she were sweet and we could enjoy her, but we can't and it's not going to change. My concern is that two of us let is get so far that we had chest pains after dealing with her. I walked away this summer to save myself and now my sister has followed suit. Our brothers don't live near Mom so things are going to come crashing down for her. We agreed to have one last sibling conference call, tonight, to see if anyone has any remaining ideas on what we should/could do especially during COVID. My brother heard about the call and said, there is nothing left to do.
I understand him. We had her in a gorgeous and fun assisted living previously, and she moved herself out, we know she's nasty to in home nursing caretakers, so I hope one of us come up with something. My thought is hire a maid, and send her groceries on line. I can't believe we are at this stage. We're starting to chose self preservation over taking care of Mom. But, here we are. Best of luck to all of us, right?

Michele, what can I say? Well, you're not alone, there are many here with similar experiences, and we do try to support each other. I don't know why some people are so hateful, and it is even harder to understand when it is a parent. Your mother sounds very judgemental about so many things. I too judge people, but on their general behaviour, not on the colour of their skin, their race or their religion. You've done the right thing to try and set out some boundaries and to walk away for a while. Try not to waste your energy on agonizing over your mother's behaviour. She may never change, especially as it sounds like she has been like this all of your life. You need to spend time with people who value you, not with people who bring you down. Wishing you all the best, you are among friends here.

I was feeling very alone in this but this thread has helped me see that this is so common. I see many common denominators: unpleasant comments towards others (in public, racist, disability-ist, mostly), and towards me. The latest thing is to pick on my father's Jewish heritage and last time I saw her I was called 'Jewish Nazi woman'. I have done a lot of household tasks for her, things like fitting security features (she's convinced here neighbours are getting in and moving things etc), occasional small repairs, but I'm a small woman not a tradesperson- and her refusal to consider moving to a more manageable property- something I long ago gave up suggesting- is not my fault.
Her latest calls after I set up the internet for her- which she wanted- were in the usual aggressive, drunk at midday tone, and after I answered all her questions calmly, went to 'you're really unhelpful' and when I protested, 'two husbands can't be wrong' and 'this is why they say you shouldn't have children', both followed by her hanging up. Then a text message saying I need therapy for my moods and temper outbursts, as I'm going through the menopause. To her, me reacting to an insult or personal comment with 'that's really nasty and not fair' is a 'temper tantrum'. She can say what she likes; I must not complain. This was at a time when she knew I had some important work facetime meetings on that I had to be able to perform well in. Sabotage.
There's been a string of incidents like this over several years. She has started lying about my father's heritage and told people I am half Italian. we saw some people in a park and she said I had to go along with this! The comments about 'you're going through the menopause', apart from being not true yet, not the least supportive, designed to undermine and intrusive, have been frequent. She has a real problem with the fact I still have periods. Other incidents and some more serious, vicious aggressive shouting at me, etc. Often when she drinks alcohol (which is all the time).
2 months ago I replied to that text. I said I would not respond to any more of her personal comments, insults etc. I told her some home truths about how unpleasant she has been to me, reminded her of some of the things she said about my father, and told her she was a toxic influence on my life and I don't want to hear from her anymore.
Like many on here, I think she most probably has an undiagnosed mental health condition. When I was younger (like, 6 or 7) she told me several times about how she 'put her head in the gas oven due to post-natal depression' and was always keen to explain to me how she gave up a glittering career (it really wasn't all that) in order to have me. She was back to work at 8 and I was out of her hair by time I was 19, so there was plenty of time for her to recover the ruined life I evidently caused.
However like many narcissistic and downright vindictive, jealous mothers we have been talking about on here, she has had her occasional moments of being a nice mother. They are generally spoilt with a catty comment pretty quickly, but, she can behave when she has to (for instance if I meet her in public, which works OK). So right now 2 months later I still miss her, I still feel guilty, however, I know that unless she comes to me and apologises, and changes her behaviour, I will not go back. I know what this was all leading to. Bullying and manipulating me into moving in and looking after her and her ridiculously unmaintained and over-large house, which she could if she wanted to but is too paranoid to let anyone work on it. The sad thing is, if she had been nicer I would have moved nearer (not in). I am feeling very upset and remembering all the things she has said, and it is hard realising your own mother just doesn't love you and regretted even being married and having you. I have some counselling arranged for soon though and look forward to processing all this, which I constantly am, and feeling better.

TreadingWater, sometimes the best thing we can do for toxic people is to just leave them alone. I'm trying to reconcile with my toxic father but the time will come when trying this negativity affects my own family. At that point I'm gonna drop him off at a decent nursing home and wish him the best. I think this would be better than inviting his poisen into my home. I can only try so much before it does us more harm than good. Also, I'd be enabling him otherwise. I'll tack a final letter to him, expressing why he is in the place of assisted living.He'll either get more bitter or come around. How's it go? You reap what you sow.

NCognito, I’m sorry to read of your damaging experience with your mother. As one who has suffered similarly, I think you have done the right thing in walking away, to preserve your own health and sanity. The “facade” of your mother’s wonderfulness, as you describe it, can make you, the sufferer, feel you are in a nightmare situation, where only you can see what’s really going on, and everyone else seems blind to it. This is hugely damaging psychologically, and then to effectively be told by your mother that she wishes you had never existed just adds to the misery. I think it’s important for you to have some friends who don’t know your mother, who therefore can’t be influenced by her lies about you, and who accept you for who you really are. I know from personal experience that you can spend many, many years wondering why things are as they are and whether you can make things better by trying to please and appease your mother. It’s a pointless exercise and is part of the cycle of abuse. It can also dominate your life through the amount of time it takes up, time which could be better spent forming healthier relationships with others. The only way to break that cycle is to walk away rather than unwittingly joining in with it by being your mother’s target. I wish you strength to get through this, and future happiness by freeing yourself to live a life without abuse.

Understand 100%. Have the mother from hell, the mommy not so dearest who others think is wonderful while she decimates her own blood. She has always been nasty, phony and ugly. She complains about everything yet when help is offered unleashes her anger and ugliness on the person trying to help her. Have had it. Sometimes I think we have to admit there are obituaries we don't mind reading...or won't mind reading. Tipping point for me was when she hit her wonderful dog who was suffering congestive heart failure. You hit a dog...you're a low life oxygen thief. She recently ONCE AGAIN dispersed her verbal abuse on me and I'm done with her. For all the times she told me as a child "I wish I'd never seen your goddamn face"....well I quite frankly have the reciprocal thought when it comes to her. Hopefully with time, my anger will lessen. For now, I don't want anything to do with her. ...and she is not demented...this is how she's always been and apparently always will be. People outside the family think she's wonderful...her facade is working.

Haven't really followed this post--hits too close to home--but it has helped me the last 3 weeks since my DH FINALLY stood up to his mother and put his foot down.

I 'divorced her' 10 months ago and have not seen her and will not. Going to see her w/o me as a buffer became too hard for DH.

She began spending all their 'visits' haranguing him about how much she hates me and how I have literally ruined her life. She says she has not slept a single night since he brought me into the family. (46 years is a LONG time to go without sleeping). She said I have been the source of the 'most miserable life ever lived' according to her doctor...hers.

DH finally HEARD and SAW what I have been dealing with for all these years. Had an 'aha' moment and blew his stack at her. I guess it got really, really ugly. Dh came home and said he was done with her.

I feel really sorry for him, as he begins to navigate the waters he's finally accepted he's drowning in.

I did print out some articles that have been shared on this board and he has read a couple. Finally waking up at age 68 to the knowledge that your mother truly hates you and blames you for everything that ever went wrong----it's hard.

I would like to be able to blame dementia or Alz but she's just more 'the same' as she has ever been.

Who is the loser in this? His mother, whom I planned to come to love and make an integral part of our family. She didn't want and she lost out. My kids and grandkids are SPECTACULAR!!!