My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

No. You are not alone. Your mother having dementia now does not change how she was to you before she had it. The dementia only makes her already nasty, narcissistic personality worse. Do you feel obligated to have the holidays ruined by her for you and your kids? You know that will be what happens. Don't even go and see her anymore if she has such an effect on you. And most importantly of all, don't feel guilty about it. You're not doing anything wrong to stay far away from her and not keep her in your life. From what you're saying, she deserves to be alone. So many times elderly people when they're sick or feeble think that the sickness and frailty excuses decades of being a selfish a**hole.

WOW! There really area others in similar situations! I am in hell. My sister and my Mom are in an extremely unhealthy situation and I just can't help. And I have such guilt. My sister moved in with Mom after Mom asked her to take her out of the Independent Living that I helped her move in to. So they've been living together for two years . During this time the police have been called, my sister comes and goes and my Mom is not always supervised. My Mom calls me almost daily crying how she wants my sister out. But, when my sister says she's leaving my mom begs her to stay. I have tried to intervene but everything I do gets undone. None of the neighbors want to be involved anymore and a lot of agencies are refusing to deal with them because they change things all the time. There is enough money for whatever help is needed so that is not the issue. I just called a lawyer and I have a consultation tomorrow - starts at $550 per hour.....

Nasty and selfish mothers forces us into a real space of growing. My mother is exactly like yours and I do feel that she may do this because she is angry at being old and unhealthy and wants to make others miserable too. However, our growth is to try not to complain about our mother to our children so that they can take care of us when we get older and to teach them tolerance with her. They are not with her all the time so they can tolerate her and still give to her and understand her even in her nastiness.

I had to look back and see if I had written this post. I am in these exact same shoes (all details the very same) I am so sorry. I feel for what you have been through.

I completely emphasize! you have to care for yourself and your family.

I’m in a similar situation. At home care fir dad, but my mother is alienating all the caregivers to the point that we have exhausted our agencies roster of aides.
I cannot afford to give up working. She is grieving, I get it, however she just manages to not make it easy on our trying to provide care- she expects these girls to do everything beyond their abilities. She treats them like maids, servants, etc. she insults them, yells at them and criticizes them.
ive offered to put our father in a home but she refuses. He is no longer able to cared fir at home. It’s such a conundrum! What to do.
be well friend!

My dad became ill and it was too much for my mom to handle but refused to put him in a facility. I moved 800+ miles to help her take care of him - splitting myself between my family and my parents. This went on for over 5 yrs and when my dad passed I told mom she had to decide if she wanted to stay where she was or move back with me. She chose to move but wanted her own place. Luckily found a house with a couple miles from my home and got her settled. After a couple years I began to worry about her being alone, I was working full time, taking care of her, and also helping my daughter with a newborn, among my daily duties. My husband and I decided to move into a home that could accommodate her living with us a year and a half ago. We gave her her own area (tv room) along with her own bedroom and bath. My mom hated losing her independence and lets me know daily - she has never actually been a happy person her whole life, complains about everything, and just makes life miserable for everyone that is around her. She never expresses her love or appreciation. She is always complaining about needing to live by herself - but her health and finances do not allow that. I tell everyone that she is a 91yr old thinking that she is in her 40's!!! She does not have a nice thing to say to anyone about anything. I know now that dad truly loved her because I look back now and see first hand how mean she truly was and still is. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom but I find myself getting frustrated with her because I have to repeat and yell so much for her to understand. When she misplaces things she blames everyone else for taking, she doesn't believe she is losing her hearing, we purposely are whispering, blames me for not knowing how to cook because she has a hard time chewing, just seems like I cannot do anything right. I have a brother who is married and calls once a month if we are lucky, and a sister who is widowed but has a life of her own that calls once a week and will listen to me vent, claims she wishes she could help - but doesn't. Both have more money than I do to make the trips - but blames it on Covid - but yet they are traveling to go see their kids and family which mom realizes and voices to me. I try everything to make her life easier but it just seems impossible! I promised my dad on his death bed that I would take care of mom - and I will - I just wish she was a little bit easy on me. She is afraid of being alone - I have explained to her that we have a security system and she never has to worry about answering the doorbell because I can answer on my phone if I am gone. I just need a break but have no clue how to do that. She does not like people - has been a loner all her life - never had any friends and is afraid of letting anyone see her. There are days I feel that I am at the end of my rope. If there is anyone out there that can relate - please would love your insight. I refuse to put her in a facility, I am all she has, I just wish she appreciated me more. I know in my heart that down deep she appreciates everything that I do for her - just wish she would refrain from criticism and complaining so much. Did I mention that she just had colon cancer surgery back in Oct 2019 - no chemo - and that she doesn't take any meds!!!!! Sometimes I feel like she will out live me - and that is what worries her too! I need ways to stay calm when she frustrates me.................................... that's all folks.....for now anyway!

She’s crazy. You are not. Hold your head high that you put up with her this long. You have gone above and beyond. The God Lord knows your work and your true heart.
no! You are not the only one!

Having a narcissistic parent is torture. They have a mental defect, and the only way for them to be happy is to destroy you. I know she loves you, as she is your mom; however, the damage they do is true damage. My father sounds just like your mom. He is cruel beyond belief, and he is a bully of epic proportions. We have ALWAYS taken care of him — my sister and I — but I am alone, now. My sister took her life 7 years ago. Her last words to me were profound. It’s ironic that narcissists have to “destroy their children.” I will never truly forgive my father for the chaos and cruelty he brought to our family. He is sick. Your mother is sick. Do what you can, so that you do not experience more trauma. PTSD is terrible. Keep your distance from her. Did n’t feel guilty. They have a choice, to a degree, and they choose not to change their behavior. Free yourself.

fl1818, please don’t feel guilty. Your mother’s behaviour is not your fault. You don’t have to tolerate her abuse. Try to focus on your own happiness rather than trying to please someone who might not have the capacity to be happy and who might instead just make everyone around her miserable. Her anger might be linked to losing her husband, and if so, there will be help available for this, if she wishes to take it. If not, she doesn’t have the right to ruin other people’s lives. I hope you and your brother and sister can support each other emotionally to help you live with the situation in a way that minimises the impact on your own health and well-being.

my mom is getting so bad. I am alone w my one brother and one sister abandoning her. I don't blame them. I was the youngest by 5 years. She is so mean. She lives alone and I feel so guilty every day. My dad was amazing and stood by her. He died 5 years ago and Im left alone to deal w her hatred and anger. She is fighting w everyone

wow, you are me now. Wish I could contact you

Hey, new plan for Thanksgiving: don't include your mother. Invite your kids. Then, stop agonizing over the decision.
If you really want to appease your guilt, go have dinner with her at the AL facility on a different day. You are 60 years old, time to grow up and ENJOY your holidays. Good luck.

Sounds just like my selfish, controlling, narcissistic mother. Growing up with her was a nightmare for me and my sister (who died in 2019 at age 61). Parents divorced when I was 7, however, she didn't want my alcoholic father to move on so she kept having him over everyday and a boyfriend as soon as he left. Revolving door for us. He died at age 48 on her birthday. She was so mean that when she had a turn to take care of her mother (stroke and paralyzed in wheelchair) every other weekend, she threatened to slap her out of her wheelchair because she had been cussing a bluestreak and my grandmother told her to stop talking like that in front of me and my sister. She baby sat and one day, she got so angry at this 14 month old girl that she kept on a regular basis, that she picked her up and threw her through our dining room (from the living room) and she hit a bureau and it nearly knocked her out. We were terrified! I thought she had killed her. She had a gigantic bruise on her head, and when her mother picked her up that afternoon, she lied and said that my cousin and I had been playing on the front steps of the porch and accidentally knocked her down. I was scared that she was going to kill me. Now, she is living in my house (I am 59 and in bad health) and my two oldest son's are waiting on her. She wouldn't do PT in rehab, ankles locked, and she is in a wheelchair. They wipe her butt, help with her bath, and anything else. I am sick of her and so are my sons, They need to go back to work and get a life. She is sucking us dry and will probably outlive me. I understand completely about your "guilt" but that is just another form of manipulation to keep us (try to) under her control.

Elaine,

I just replied to the pm.

Thank you Needhelpwithmom, I sent you a pm about it too.

Elaine,

I wholeheartedly support your decision to get up and walk out of your mom’s home.

You certainly had every right to do so. I’m so very proud of you 👍!

Your mom has missed out on so much of her life by not cooperating with you.

As you have clearly stated though, that is her choice so why should you make your life miserable by banging your head against her brick wall.

I admire your common sense in this matter. I only wish that I would not have become so wrapped up in my mom’s perfectionist behavior. I could have spared myself years of pain!

Mom was extremely difficult to please. Extreme perfectionists make themselves and others who try to help miserable. Everything had to be just so! I went above and beyond and it was never acceptable for her.

Live and learn. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way. For some reason I couldn’t figure it out on my own. I didn’t see what the forum was telling me. I was too close to the situation for so long that I see now that I was totally blind.

When I finally saw the light I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.

This is why I try to be as patient as I can with new people on the forum because for some of us it takes time to absorb and process the changes needed in our lives to achieve harmony and peace.

I am thankful to everyone who did not give up on me and remained encouraging so that I could break free to live my own life that I truly deserved. That was my problem. I didn’t feel as if I deserved it. I used to feel like I owed my mom everything.

Now, I am grateful for the things mom contributed to my life but I realize that we don’t have to pay back a debt so much that it leaves us emotionally and physically bankrupt.

Keep sending your positive messages to posters. It’s needed on this forum.

Hudster72, I thought I was the only person in the world who had a gambling addiction and a hoarder. I saw your post and thought it was my post.

It certainly is h*ll. Mom won’t let me touch anything in her house or even throw out an empty Kleenex box.

The gambling addiction came in the early 1990’s. My father tried everything to get her to stop gambling. Nothing worked. She didn’t think she had a problem. She saw nothing wrong with what she was doing. My father was a Senior Vice President at a bank and saved a lot of money. She gambled all of it after he died in 1998. Blew through hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Today, she is looking to applying for Medicaid. Last year she was 100.00 over the limit. It’s sickening.

She won’t bathe and she won’t let me help her. She looks worse than a homeless person except she has her own house.

doctors, lawyers, policemen, EMT workers, firemen all said since my mother is competent and of sound mind she is free to live any way she wants.

She has mental illness, but just because someone has mental illness doesn’t mean they are incompetent!! I learned all this the hard way.

Thankful for this forum. Been here over one year now and it helps me!!

I meant to say my MOTHER has the gambling addiction and hoarding, NOT ME!!! Just had to clarify.

Arysha, we have a lot in common. I am 58 years old and my son lives home with me and my husband. He is 28 years old with high functioning autism.,He can work part time and drive and also goes out with his mentor which is a program we have here in Upstate New York. He can do a lot but really doesn’t have much concept with money or math. He can budget 20.00 and knows what it is.

My mother doesn’t live with me but she’s 96 and lives alone in her hoarded house. She’s also a gambling addict. Gambled all my fathers money away.

She won’t let me help her with ANYTHING!! So I stopped nagging her as she puts it. She wants me to take her to the foot doctor on Halloween morning but hasn’t washed her feet. I was trying to have her let me do it and she said no!!

When we faced timed with my older son in NYC at the end of the call she told him she loved him. She said I love you Jon, but I don’t love your mother. I took the phone from her, grabbed my coat and purse and walked out her door. This all just happened an hour ago.

You are not alone. My mother was the same way . a controlling nasty manipulative woman who ound fault with everyone but herself. she borw beat my dad and alienated his family her own family and all the extended family there was.
When she was in her 90's she was forced to go live in a nursing home. BUT not until she had run my daughter ragged trying to find in home care round the clock and not until she weedled my kid into thinking she owed it to her to take her into her home with her husband and 2 kids. My daughter never understood what miserable creature my mom was until she tried taking care of her at home .
It took less than a month and she was over it.
She found her a really really nice nursing home/ group home in Fremont for her. She is very lucky to have my daughter to care for her and do that. I certainly would not have bothered.
When they told my daughter she was probably in her last 6 or so months she insisted on flying me out with her and my nephew. She said I would regret it if I did not make my peace.
There was little to be made peace with by that time. I am not sure if she knew who I was or not. I had not seen her in 20 years . I am grateful and proud of my daughter for all the effort she made. she grew up fine. I did I guess what you are supposed to do concerning my mom.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG .
Take your life back spare your kids the grief. enjoy some of your life free of the humiliation andnegativity and critisism. I was only 56 at the time I am 60 now. I am glad for the years i spent free of the misery. I did not suffer from much guilt for very long but believe me you should not. Sounds like you already paid your dues.

Arysha,

Would be a fun block party!

I wish everyone here lived on the same block so we could start two clubs. One for us to talk about our issues and find support with one another and another club so our mothers could sit together and get their social on.

When I first started reading this thread I was much more venomous than now. Reading all your stories made me realize I am not the only one with mother problems. I have many of the same issues you all have. I am 57 years old and have a 26 year old son who has high functioning autism or Asperger's living with me. Plus my mother and I are joint tenants in the house so one cannot sell without the other. We have been living together for 15 years, my mother and I have never really gotten along. When my parents divorced I opted to go with my father, turned out he wasn't the best parent either, but the better option.

Every day I wake up and start my day by getting coffee and going back to my room, watch tv and start days chores. Mom loves Fox news, so that is all she watches all day long. It's just too much for me, I only need to hear a news or political story once, not over & over & over again. I think she is basically brainwashing herself because she gets meaner, nastier and angrier every day. I can understand, because if I watch that all the time I find I get the same way, heaven help me. So to solve this issue I bought myself a TV for my room, it has made me a less angry person but I find most of my day is spent in my bedroom. Mom says she would feel like she is locked up in jail if she had to spend all day in her room. Imagine lol. That's ok, I am finding it to be my solace. Isn't that sad?

Mom used to be a sales person (home parties). First she was shy and quiet, then figured out how to put on that smile and be the best friend to everyone. Older now she is that way to everyone she meets. As long as it is for a short time she appears to be the nice old lady. But living with her is just the opposite, In fact she used to go to the local senior center, but she said some things the locals did not like now no one will talk to her. So she just doesn't go anymore, difficult for someone who likes people to hear her talk. Of course every word that comes out of her mouth is negative, angry and about politics, which I cant stand. Thus the self-banishment to my room and purchase of my own tv.

I am on permanent disability because of back and neck issues, which makes it more difficult to do the housework, the yardwork or anything else physical. I am mentally drained and have been chronically depressed for the past 10 years. I take medication that helps a little, it stopped the constant crying and darkness, but I am still depressed just not as severely. Each day my mother sits and watches her news, she never lifts a finger to help me in any way. And if things get a bit piled up then here come the negative comments. She will say things like "that has been there for months when you going to take care of it?" or "it's like we're living in (her hoarder sister)'s house".

Cooking is another issue, every time I bring food home or cook the smell makes her sick, sometimes vomiting and sometimes just nauseas. We have just recently come to the agreement that I will make an ensure shake for her and she can nibble as she chooses. Nothing more embarrassing than the doctor telling us she is malnourished, making me feel like an elder abuser, when the reality is she wont eat anything but toast, peanut butter and crackers, ramen or cake or ice cream.

I have been made to feel like the help for forever. I am trying to work my way through this and put myself in a better mental state. It is not an easy, but I hope if I can use this sight as a form of support and be persistent then perhaps it will happen some day. The only thing I can hang on to is to hope that some day my life will be my own where I can make my own choices and not worry if "Mom" approves.

Thanks for your stories, and God Bless us all.

I’m living this right now too. I feel like I could’ve written what a lot of ppl have written in here. It’s miserable. I thought that I was doing the best thing for my mom. She had been living with me for 2 years now and doesn’t want to anything I ask, criticizes anything I fix her to eat. Doesn’t appreciate anything at all. So many things to list. I honestly can’t take it any more. My health is suffering. I’ll be in the grave before her at this rate. Going to have to put her in an assisted living. Hindsight, I should’ve done something before now. I pray that I am not this way to my daughter when I get older. I told her in advance, that I never want to be remembered like this or be a burden.
I am sorry for those that are going through these difficult times and hope that you find a solution before you and your family suffers health problems. It’s a real struggle.

Welcome to the saddest club in the world - children of selfish/narcissistic parents. A common theme running through many of these posts on this thread is the feeling that you are alone, and the only member of this club. Sadly the reality is that there are many thousands of us. Also common is the confusion, exhaustion, anxiety and depression that comes with a lifetime of trying and failing to make sense of why a parent would want to treat their own child in this way. This really is a pointless exercise - they are unlikely to ever change. I’ve found after many many years of struggling that it is better to focus your energies on understanding your own needs (these have often been lost after years of being ignored or dismissed as unimportant) and identifying those aspects of parental selfishness that cause you the most upset. It is not easy, and is a slow process that may be met with much resistance and further poor behaviour, but rebalancing your life to increase the care you give yourself is so important for your own good health. Setting limits on the amount of “running around” you do after your selfish parent helps to free up some of your time, so that you can care for yourself or do some activities that give you pleasure (if you can remember what they once were). If the rages and bad mouthing start, walk away for your own sanity and well being. I find that having rebalanced my life in this way a few years ago, I have a little more energy and have re connected with some hobbies that give me pleasure. I weathered the parental rages that followed, but stayed firm about what I needed to do. But this process of finding a balance requires constant vigilance. My mother continues to try and find “ways in” to getting me to do unnecessary things for her and to load the burden of responsibility on to me for anything she doesn’t want to do for herself. The difference now is that I can see this manipulation as soon as it starts and can say no before it escalates. To everyone out there in the same situation, you have my sympathy, you are not alone, it is not your fault your parent is so selfish, your health and wellbeing are important, and you are entitled to a life of your own. Hugs and support to those struggling.

I am living this right now. I totally lost my mind today and had a breakdown. My mother is terrible to deal with. I am losing days at work (self-employed, don't work, no money). She doesn't seem to care about me at all, just herself. I have hired cleaners, caregivers, arranged rides, take her to all medical visits, buy all her groceries, pay all her bills and she gives me absolutely no regard. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. My daughter and I visited last week. She said exactly 4 words to my daughter, "how are you" and then "bye" when we left. If the attention isn't on her, she's not interested. She's cheap as hell, and has plenty of money. This is nothing new, really, if I think about it. She's been like this her whole life. She did nothing for her children, absolutely nothing, but expects me to do everything for her. I've had her tested for everything you can imagine, and she comes back with a clean bill of health. There is nothing wrong with her. She complains about everything. I am a sucker, a doormat and only I can make a change. I feel for all of you going through this. I have zero guilt though. I've done all I can for a person who is not willing to help herself at all.

Ah, yes. The guilt. It almost drove me insane -- the back and forth between being hurt (and angered) by my mother, and then trying to be compassionate towards her (her condition, her miserable life). I finally stopped! To save myself. She's in an independent senior facility and so I'm just waiting for the call to tell me it is finally over. That's all I have left. Waiting for her demise. I've been sad, I've been in therapy, I've been through ALL the emotions and I'm tired. Tired of trying one more time "because she's my mother." Only people with mothers like ours can understand -- because everyone else seems to judge me, so there's no one I can talk to about this very painful situation. It's a lot. Your post let me know I'm not alone. Thank you.

Welll, well, well. Aren't we all in the same boat. 4 and 1/2 years of all this sh** plus a lifetime of agony from a narc mother who thinks everything (my siblings and i) should revolve around her. I've been punched - kicked - poked and prodded - but nothing was her fault. I have an attitude problem apparently (that means sticking up for yourself). I am 60 years of age and she still expects me to "kow tow" to her lifelong bullying. End of tether - what now. Insists on staying in her own home - but expects everyone else to do all the "f***ing crap" that goes with it regardless of having a life of our own. Xxx

Hugs, cdelgado. 💕

I am living this life!! My mom is making me feel like I am going crazy. I am so depressed and she is literally sucking all of my energy out of me. My kid's will not come over and visit. I feel uncomfortable in my own home, but yet she can put on this sweet little old lady act in front of other people. She lies to her doctors, friends, family and will blow up if called pout. We have always had a rocky relationship, me being her "problem child". I am so exhausted. She is so mean and nasty to me and it has become more frequent. I am in therapy and am trying to self care as much as possible, but when do I say enough is enough. I'm running out of tears!!

This is perhaps the saddest thread on here. Wishing all of you the very best.

My caregiver days are over but I had it rough too. I can relate.

Well I have an elderly mentally ill mother who is a hoarder and has a gambling addiction. I didn't know it was possible for someone to be soo negative she has torn our family to shreds im at the point where if i never see her again that would be fine with me. She is very manipulative,a lier, complainer i can go on for days! But the crazy thing about her she has alot of people fooled into thinking that she is this sweet old lady. She plays the victim perfectly. So everyone feels sorry for her. She has caused so much mental damage to me that i might not ever recover from.