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Especially today I am feeling just like you. I feel trapped since I have been working from home 4 days a week. I can't take it anymore. I love my mom but she is toxic. I know it is because of her childhood and just has continued throughout her life but I am paying for it. She has lived with us for the past 16 years. She moved in to help care for my one and only child. He is now 18 and she is still here. She has been on various waitlists for housing. I am glad I am not alone in this and that I can vent here.
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I feel bad for you but I have to tell you that reading your post brought tears to my eyes because my mother is exactly like yours and I feel exactly like you do. I thought I was all alone. I guess that's why we're here. I don't have any answers just solidarity.
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helenb63, I think there is an element of controlling behaviour going on here. It sounds from what you say that she hasn’t been happy with any dentist she’s had, so she’s probably running out of options for new dentists, and many won’t be taking in new patients during the virus situation anyway. I would present her with two clear options: she goes to her new dentist to get the problem sorted or she puts up with the problem and has no treatment. You can’t keep backtracking when she keeps changing her mind, and the old dentists won’t be too keen to have someone back who has already removed themselves and gone to a competitor. Keep the options simple, two choices only, and let her decide.
(3)
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When my mother moved to live near us we registered her with a dentist we thought was easy for a person who won't try to walk to get to, but she didn't like the treatment she got there and complained about the access anyway - we live in a town with mostly old buildings - so last year we tried another one with a flatter entrance way. Now she says a tooth (which had a partial root removal by the first man) is bleeding but she doesn't want to go back to the new place, seemingly because the hygienist took an hour on her first visit. She says she wants to go back to the first one. Trouble is, I wrote to them saying she wouldn't be coming back because of the difficult access. I really should have known better! I don't know what to do now - nothing is my preferred option, but if the tooth really is causing pain and trouble I guess that's not an option. I'd like to tell her to sort it out herself as none of the dentists we tried have suited her, but that would provoke a storm.

I so enjoyed lockdown when I didn't have to deal with anything like this...
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I have to reply because I feel like my adult daughter hates me. I am far from perfect. I have made mistakes. But I also feel like my daughter is wrong in the way she treats me. My daughter is 35 years old and has lived with me for 5 years. She has a 9 year old daughter who also Iives here. The problem: my daughter thinks I should allow her boyfriend to live here too. This is the 2nd one. She moved him in after i repeatedly said no. After 4 months I started charging him weekly rent. After 1 month he stopped paying and sexually harrassed me. I told him to leave. He left and promised not to return. But he keeps coming back. I've called police twice. They say he is daughter's guest and they can't make him leave. I've been told I have to evict her. She blames me for everything. I'm hurt and cannot control who comes in my house.
(3)
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- just noticed this was posted in 2011!! Oh my - wonder if we'll hear an update
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I feel for all of you who have such a difficult time caring for your elderly parents.... I’m a caregiver for my mom 24/7 it’s not easy as you all
know.... my mom has major dementia but is a true blessing to me.... she is pleasant which I am very thankful.... I am very tired most of the time... not complaining as my mom and I have been very close all my life.... I am very thankful and blessed to have found this site... I have been and continue to be well educated by all of you on this site... Thank you and God Bless all of you always....
(5)
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Hi
I am so sorry about your situation-I think you should put your children first and not let her ruin any more precious times you have together-Come up with a new plan for holidays so that she can’t ruin your time with your children-they may start avoiding coming over to your house because of mean grandma and that you do not want or deserve
it is so unhealthy to be around such a nasty person -don’t feel guilty!!
(5)
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Omg....I am so sorry and totally understand how you feel. I struggle with my feelings of disdain towards my mom as well. I am her caregiver and she treats me like a child.. and I am 65 years old... a senior citizen myself!!!! (She is 94.) She is Negative and hateful, always defaulting to see everything and everybody in the worst way...she looks at me with such judgmental eyes...it’s so hard to deal with...So not fair!!!
My heart goes out to you in so many ways. I guess you either have to be the bigger person or decide that the agony she puts you through is too much and wash your hands of her. I struggle as you do. But one thing I have learned from my mom is how NOT to be and I have vowed that I will never treat MY daughter the same way and that I will cherish my daughter in every way I can, overlooking the “small stuff” and instead focusing on everything that is wonderful about her. I have learned to be as generous as I can be with her (My mom is very tight with her money.... as if she’s going to be taking it with her when she dies), I have learned to compliment my daughter for her accomplishments, and to make sure she notices how much I love her.....In other words, I treat my daughter the way I wish my mom treated me....If you choose to carry on as you are with your mom, I guess all you can do is vow to make sure none of her “rubs off” on you or your kids. Stay strong!
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Amylee, my mother is the same way. She is a 96 year old hoarder who lives alone. I’m done trying to throw anything out. She just screams if I do. I gave up doing that years ago. Don’t clean her home. She will just start hoarding again anyway. I am so very sorry about he death of your daughter. My heart breaks for you. Help yourself, not your Mother.
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Im an only child, my mother 81 is and always has been a hoarder. I’ve just cleaned her home again. Unbearable mess. No appreciation, no nothing. My daughter passed O6/07/2020 with a heart condition. 28. During this time I still took care of my mother after a hip surgery. She hates me for throwing her rotten food away from her freezer. No, she has not even called to check on me. It’s very sad. Toxic, and I’m sorry for anyone who deals with this emotional suicide.
(6)
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I've posted here about my dad who died in 2017. No we are dealing with my mother who has hallucinations delusions and angry outbursts. She is staying with my brother who doesn't treat her very nicely he's very impatient and doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with not answering her questions and just telling her to go away or say uh huh in a rapid-fire way just to get rid of her. Will someone confirm that having an elder in an environment like that can trigger the elder and should be angry and have mood swings. That is my guess as to what is happening. Evidently she started calling my brother a piece of s***. She has not yet been diagnosed. She finally went to a neurologist who did the testing that they do with the questions and physical movement and stuff like that I don't know what it's called. To get an actual diagnosis she needs a simple brain scan and a blood draw as requested by the neurologist. Right away she refused to go back and she felt insulted the next day after the neurologist appointment. A lot of anger to that she doesn't want a brain scan and they only want to do it to make money off of her. It's critical we get the brain scan in the blood work so that we can get a diagnosis and then find out what kind of help we can get from insurance in terms of companion care or caregiving. She has to do a fast the night before the blood draw and I'm just crossing my finger that she will comply. The brother that she is staying with now flew her out here to California from Ohio because she started having a combative relationship with our other brother that was staying with her in Ohio. Bringing her out here in California has had its problems. I thought my brother had a two-bedroom apartment but he only has a one bedroom so she sleeps on his bed and then he sleeps on the floor in the living room which is pretty crazy. there's no good way for her to go down the stairs and get outside to get some air as the street he lives on his very busy with traffic. You know what I'm rambling right now I'm going to end this post by saying that we are on the verge of getting a diagnosis and I'm crossing my fingers that she's going to comply with the fasting for the blood test. Any comments a questions or suggestions are very much appreciated. I think of you all of you out there that are struggling with elderly parents and I just remember that I'm not alone I'm not the only one that has these problems. Susan
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Hi all, I haven’t posted for a while but as I read through the various posts over the past few months I’m really struck by how much guilt everyone seems to feel for their mothers’ actions and behaviour. For decades I too was the same and it took counselling and CBT to give me permission to turn away from bad behaviour and abuse. I would say to everyone: it is NOT your fault that your mother behaves badly, you are NOT worthless or any of the other horrible things they may say about you, you ARE entitled to a life without abuse and you ARE entitled to your own space and freedoms. During the coronavirus lockdown I’ve spent most of my time making sure my family are safe, healthy and fed, and this extends to my mother too. She has still found time to complain about things and about not being able to go to the shops despite wanting for nothing, lashing out at me as if it was my fault about the virus! I know that nothing I ever do will be enough, but I have learned to accept that, to do as much as I feel happy to do and to be kind to myself during these anxious times (one of the legacies of a toxic mother is anxiety and worry). Please stay safe everyone and put yourselves a little higher up in your priorities.
(11)
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This describes my mother. She never altered, an unpleasant woman all her life, and continues to be so, even in the throes of LBD. I now have a martyr younger sister too, who runs after my mother like a lovesick puppy. My dad was mother's enabler - since he died, my sister has stepped into his enabling shoes. I am quietly losing my sanity with it all😧
(5)
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Hi I feel your pain. My mother has been the same. Dad died early at 48 from a massive heart attack, I was 25 and my brother 23. We immediately felt we had to grow up and look after mum and take dads place. Well in hindsight that was the worst decision ever. Mum ruled my life, and I let her, as I felt sorry for her and loved her. She was different with my brother. My doctor told me to stand up for myself but that only made the situation worse. Anything and everything was never good enough for her. She complained about everything. Picnics were never good enough for birthdays with the children. If our little family went for a pizza for a bday and she wasn’t included (for my husbands sake) she would fight with me for the next week. She had 5 operations in one year. I did everything for her. Paid bills, looked after the house, fed the garden and watered but when I didn’t show her a new lamp I had purchased because I wanted it to be a surprise when she came out for my daughters birthday dinner, she abused hell out of me and fought with me for a week over this bloody lamp. I moved back to her suburb to be closer to look after her and she accused my husband and myself of being snobs as he had just become a Manager and we were able to update our home for our children. Is she kidding? The suburb I moved back to, to care and be close to her! I have suffered so much anxiety and depression . I was told by a counsellor to stop seeing mum so much, cut it down to once a week. Not long after that she had a stroke, had to give up driving and I was left to take up the slack. Pay bills, do her shopping, cooking, the list is endless. I had so much resentment it was making me sick. Something had to change for me to be able to continue to do what I did. I had to learn forgiveness. It has been the only way I could get through life without killing myself. I was so sick. Mum is still alive today. She has just turned 90 and is in a beautiful aged care facility. Her mind is going these days. Doesn’t remember a lot of things but I find I still struggle with my feelings. There has been so much emotional abuse but I am trying to do the best I can but it’s extremely hard. I cry a lot. I am blessed though as I managed to get her and her brother 94(whom I was also looking after) he had no children, into aged care facilities just before the Covid breakout - what a blessing! Well my uncle just passed on Sunday and mum is the last one standing out of 4 children. I must be being punished for something, even though I have always loved her and tried to do my best. The emotional abuse I have suffered has taken its toll though, as I am still trying to get well after all the shit I have endured. Forgiveness is the only way through!

Take care anyone going through similar situations. It takes its toll.

Life is tough
(5)
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I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this. I have the same problem and I’ve dealt with it my whole life. My mother stop talking to me because I told her she needed to speak with someone about her moods and harsh words with people. She never talk to me when I delivered my baby in the hospital and has done terribly mean things to my sisters as well. I’ve learned to grieve for what I would’ve had with my mother and just be as nice as I can be but currently I have blocked her from messages. The best things to do is have your time with your children and if she can’t be pleasant and kind and causes problems have a separate celebration with her.
(5)
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Oh my dear soul sister. I swear ya just wrote about my life 20 years in the future. Please know ya are a great daughter, always have been and always will be. Please quit letting her ruin your life and your children's happy Holidays!! Ya totally HAVE to take care of yourself for your kids' sake. Please know ya are doing nothing wrong. Take care of you!! 💋💜xoxo Tiff
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I realize this is an older post, so I have the feeling that the issue has probably already been resolved.

I just have to say that you're NOT alone and you should not feel selfish or guilty. I'd suggest that you get therapy if you DO feel badly about not wanting to associate yourself with a narcissist, regardless of the relationship.

I had a very similar situation. I invited my mother to come and live with us, made all of the arrangements, my mother moved in for two months, then I had to ask her to leave.

During her stay, I would come home from work, everything would be normal, we would chat for a while. On Saturdays / Sundays we would spend the day together, then as the day would wind down and I"d get up to leave the room, my mother would follow me and accuse me of trying to get away from her.

During this time, her place was for sale. She would make the comment that she just wanted to sell her place and "get out of here" meaning my home. She would talk about how her best friend "probably died" because she (my mother) had begun to refuse to accompany this friend to her various doctor appointments. She accused everyone of theft, my niece, my sister, the caregivers. (With my niece and sister, these accusations began long ago).

My brother says this is the beginning of Alzheimers and this could well be, however, my mother has had these very same propensities toward narcissistic behavior for her entire life. My mother excelled at driving wedges between people, wedges that would last a lifetime.

I felt badly, felt like I needed to explain myself to the caregiver service after my mother returned to her home, but after the agency had spent six months servicing my mother, they went through six different care givers, I think they can now appreciate my dilemma.

The guilt was killing me, too, right after all of this transpired, but after some time I realized that it's all just a matter of self preservation and realizing that if someone constantly acts out toward others, then these sort of negative outcomes are to be expected.
(3)
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Dear One,
Do yourself a favor and get some counseling for yourself. Dr Laura Schlessinger would tell you that you have a shitty mother & there’s nothing you can do about it. In fact, she wrote a book called “Bad Childhood-Good Life” for adults who need to say goodbye to that parent once and for all. Counseling will help you to walk away from this narcissistic mother of yours w/your dignity intact. We are called to honor our parents and sometimes that means the best way to do that is to stay away and check in w/her care givers every once in a while to make sure she’s being cared for. The guilt you’re experiencing is an extension of all the purposeful guilt she caused you as a child. Am I right? It’s time for you to become healthy and independent of her toxic personality.
God gave you a beautiful life to live. I pray you would put yourself first and learn how to get free and live your life w/joy. You can do this!!! ❤️🙏
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@StevanLent
You said things so many others want to, but can’t lol....

Some say move on, protect yourselves but sometimes it’s just not that easy.
I love my mom although these last five years have been hellish.
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I feel you
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You are not alone! I feel the same way! Except my mother is 100 and lives alone in her condo, blames me for all kinds of things. My brother who is now 72 hasn’t spoken to her in 6 years and I am 65 and can’t deal with her anymore. My sister passed away, I am the only one left and she is alienating me too.
my adult children can’t stand her either.
i don’t know what to do anymore. I am so stressed and getting fiscally sic from her.
(4)
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I can Definitely relate to what you are saying and describing. My mom has always been 2 faced,hateful, She complains about everything and everyone talks about everyone behind their back no one is spared. She has never respected my boundaries she has humiliated me devalued me demeaned me but less thing to heart talk she is the victum and I am the one that was mean to her when I stood up for myself after she accused me of things. I know what you are saying about the guilt my counselor advised me to have limited contact since our last argument/she ambushed me out of the blue with terrible accusations. Then smeared me to the rest of my family. Due to my own mental health, I can no longer afford to be around someone so toxic sick and negative! I told my dad I'm there for them if they need something but other than that that's going to be it. Counselor said to set down some strict boundaries. Which of course she doesn't like and is not going to abide by she's been calling and leaving messages about trivial matters that's not what I had in mind and she knows it. It's all about control with her! If you dare to even mention the topic of control that she might have a bit of a problem with it she'll go into a rage. Then she'll tell you that you have always been controlling and they you stabbed both her and her husband in the back and now you're trying to control them. I literally give up I'm 62 and I'm tired of dealing with it I want peace and quiet. Hurry my stepdad love drama chaos and turning people against each other they love to Stir stuff up. It's like they thrive on it. Even the 2 of them are constantly at each other's throats for 56 years now each one has to be the winner get the upper hand have the control. I couldn't live like that and being around with all the bickering and fighting is ridiculous. It's as if when you come over, the curtains open and the show begins.... Sad but true.
(4)
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Get on with your life with no regrets . Life is too short to second guess yourself. She is unappreciative and you can’t change that. So, be done with her to save yourself.
(5)
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This could be my father-in-law. He was a controlling awful man who tried to manipulate everyone he could through threats and downright meanness. My mother-in-law died after 65 years of marriage and he had no one to control so he focused on my husband. Fortunately we lived 120 miles away so my spouse could not drop everything and be there on a moment's notice. My husband's brothers lived hundreds of miles away and they didn't bother to get involved with his care plus they were so intimidated by him that their spouses refused to get involved either. Before she died we moved both of his parents into an assisted living home. The minute she died he hired someone to help him move back home since we refused. Over the space of 6 months he was in and out of the same home three times. We would get calls constantly from him to come see him because of some problem. Fortunately it would go directly to voicemail. Finally the supervisor of the home denied him moving back and said he was a mean spirited controlling man and unwelcome. He hired a homecaregiver someone he could boss around who was recommended and related to his handiman. She took him for thousands of dollars plus a new car. Fortunately for all of us (I know this sounds terrible) he died. After 17 years I still have flashbacks of his awfulness when I see something that reminds me of him. He was truly an awful bastard and that is how he will be remembered and that is his legacy.
(5)
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I think I have the male version of her as my father. I have not been able to figure out a way to deal with him either. I am trying to help him as well. He has burned every bridge and nobody wants anything to do with him.
The only thing I can say is don't call or see her when you are having a hard time with her. Take time for yourself as long as you know she is safe and she has people to care for her then step away for a bit.
Know that you are not alone there are many of us going through it and you can always find someone to talk to. You are not selfish you just expect to be treated like a human being should be treated.
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Beagle, when your mom gets nasty, leave the room or the house. If she asks for something impossible say "I can't possibly do that".

It takes two to engage. Be the Grey Rock.
(9)
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Today is my mom's 84th birthday & it hasn't been a good day!
She lives w/ me & pushes my buttons & challenges me into arguing... & it wears on my mental health. She wants everything her way , entitlement....which i cannot always give. If she doesn't get her way...boy..watch out..she's all over me. I don't know how to handle it as she cannot afford to live any place else.
(3)
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Be grateful you are not like that.
My mom is as evil as evil gets as she always spent the welfare checks on alcohol and cigarettes now she complains about anything or anyone but she has always been This way "entitled" but never worked. Inconsiderate, disrespectful, rude, self centered, self rightous and just plain fake. Her day consist of bad mouthing all her children especially if we stick up for one another always trying to pit one against another. I will not ask for my grandchildren to have to even know her any longer for fear of mental abuse she may instill. Nobody likes her she never had true friends. 12 children and we were only a welfare check. She doesn't take responsibility for her terrible life of drinking and kicking us out at 11 years of age complete denial and living a liein her crazy mind. She's basically a pathetic thing who is not worth knowing.
(3)
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I am 51 and have had a very hateful relationship with my mother, pretty much since birth. She has made it quite clear to me and my sisters that we are worthless and a waste of space. I even stopped talking to her for 4 years. Well, she was diagnosed with Parkinson's so I moved back home to be her full time care giver. It was going great for about 7 months. I had the kind of relationship with my mom that I had hoped for all my life. Then she went down hill fast so we had to put her into a rehab for awhile. I don't know what happened but she turned evil again. She only stayed at the rehab for a few weeks and was back home again. She was absolutely unbearable. She even called the cops on me because I didn't do what she wanted me to and told the police that I was keeping her hostage in her room. We finally put her back into a nursing home and she has gotten worse, attitude wise. I don't even like talking to her anymore because all of our conversations end up with her telling me how much she hates me and that I don't care about her, blah, blah, blah. She treats my step dad like absolute garbage but he just takes it. I don't understand how a "mother" can behave in such a way towards her own children.
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