My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

It is hard being there for someone that doesn’t treat you well. I am very sorry that you have had such a rough relationship with your mother- it must be very hard on you. However, remember that without her, you would not be here. If visiting her and seeing her is hurting your own mental health, then do not go visit her. But let your adult children make their own decisions on whether they want to see her. Keep in mind that she is going through a very rough time, which certainly is no excuse for her to be mean, but losing your own mental and physical capacity would be absolutely terrible. Do what is best for you and your own happiness. But remember that these may be her last holidays. Even though you struggle to tolerate her presence, you might just end up missing it when she is gone.

Janny, it's terrible when our elderly are so mean. Many people decline to care for them when they are so awful and ask the state to step in as guardian. The state will appoint and pay (if the person has no money) for this service if the person is deemed incompetent. Then the guardian puts them in the best care setting. The family has no power, so grandma can get mad, but it's easier for the wrath to roll off your back when you have no power to change the situation.

Practical help: Many cell phones allow you to customize the ring for each contact. I put mthr's number on "silent." And I delete certain number's voice mails without listening. It really helps!

I'm sorry. But if someone is telling you that you have to take this bs then ignore them. My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years. His mother is the narcissistic one. She has been physically and mentally abusive her whole life to her kids. My husband uncle told him years ago "you were not put on this earth to be anyone sacrificial lamb". In other words, you don't have to put up with an abusive person. We have tried to help her over the years. Move up near us, we can take care of you. No, I can never leave this house. All irrational reasons why she can't move (her mom loaned them money to buy the house and she promised mom, who has been dead for 50 years, she would never sell it.) We just went through 3 months trying to help her. She won't listen to her son or daughters but will trust the stranger at Wal Mart. She went into the hospital in January and the dr's said she couldn't live alone. Needed 24/7 care. Moved her into a wonderful assisted living facility that even took her 2 dogs (as long as she could care for them). Two weeks later room smells like dog urine and the director is telling her that she has to take them out. They have never been potty trained. Her carpet in her home is so urine filled a normal person cannot be inside for longer than 10 minutes. So, long story short her dogs get kicked out and then she wants to move home. It was a wonderful facility. She was meeting people and enjoy breakfasts with friends but the dogs were her life. So now she is home. (wasted $9k) Her health has taken a turn for the worse and she needs 24/7 care at home. How expensive is that??? She doesn't have the money, we don't either so rich cousin is helping foot the bill. Thank God for him. So, I'm venting. (All this on top of my husband and I caring for my 89yr old dad with dementia. He's in his home with my daughter and SIL who live with him and a hired caregiver who comes M-F. We go down every other weekend except when we have a ton of work to do on dad's acre and with his rental which we are in the process of repairing and cleaning up for new renters 7/1.) I'm 62 and so is hubby. We're both tired. Don't feel guilty. That's what she wants, your guilt making you submit to her will. MIL to my husband "when I get moved back home I never want to speak to you again." Fine with us. She's cussing out her care givers, cussed out the director of the home and told her to her face she was a b***h, cussing out the geratric care manager. But she can turn on the sweetness when she wants to. ugh.

Soooo, you've met my mother? She is 94 and the most hateful, self centered person I have ever met. I only talk to her when I have to, she still lives by herself and refuses to budge, although, this decision has made me and my brothers life pure hell as it is over 800 miles from where we live. We have offered to buy her a place closer to us...nope. She tells us we are useless and that we should go F ourselves, has no friends and none of our relatives talk to her, haven't for 30years. This is a nightmare and I pray that it will end soon.

Dear friend,
It is rare to find someone who in so many ways describes a side of life that so few understand. Your story, short as is, contains more than a plate full. Difficult as things are, you are your mom's son; Therefore this cross is yours to bear, so bear it for the sake of mercy towards her since it sounds like there is no one left to give her that. Do it in such a way where by you do not allow the suffering to go beyond you. In other words try and absorb as much as you can; Not by making yourself a martyr. By no means, for that would be selfish and prideful. Instead Be deliberate in your decision to get on with it. Remember, there is going to come a time when you will be at the head of room filled with family and friends who will be present to bid there final prayer, farewell, or what have you. How do you think it will go if you give up now? In the end, the cross that has been appointed to each and every individual will reflect back something about how each person handled it, whatever it might be; Though, basically, one is either vindicated in life, and so comes a sense of relief and fulfillment unlike anything else. Only tears of sorrow and relief can truly express the heart at that moment. The other is condemnation. Only you can choose. I'll p[ray for you and your family in Jesus name. In the meantime let your family watch as you take hold of that which is for you to do. And pray for perseverance, for yourself and your family. Also place your mom in the care of the LORD thy God and pray that she would receive all that is good, that is coming to her from you and yours. It does take a village at some point.
Kind Regards Henry

I have just joined this group, and the comments I have been reading are my life. My mother has always been a nasty person and very controlling
The last couple of weeks have been the worse. It all started when my dad fell in the driveway. My mom called my son to help him up. My son called the paramedics to have him checked out, my dad refused treatment. My dad had not been feeling well for a couple of weeks, he is 87. A few days later I get a call from my mom that dad is not getting any better and can I come over to check on him. I did and he is sleeping in his chair, hardly aware of what is going on. I call the paramedics, they come and take one look at him and say you ready to go to the hospital now, same ones that helped him up. Meanwhile, my mom is in the kitchen slamming cupboard doors and yelling about how she should never have called me and she knew I was going to do this. She then made cream of wheat and was eating it while the paramedics was there.
I got to the er, didn't take my mom, she can hardly walk and has copd, she is on oxygen all the time. It is very diffulct to take her places, she can't hardly walk out to the car. Anyway my dads oxygen level was very down, and he is having prostate trouble. They took 2 liters of urine out of him and he now has a catheter
I was with him at the er until 3 in the morning, I get a call from my mom around noon, can you go to the store for me, I don't want anyone else to go but you. I was tired and frustrated and yelled at her. I know I should not have, it was like everything came out of me. She said she would drive herself to the store, she can't hardly walk she has no business driving. So I went over there and told her we needed help, I can't do it all. I take them to dr apts, go to the store, and clean, plus she is very demanding. If she calls you, she wants you to drop everything and come over. Anyway my son was there and we was telling her we can't do it all, she gets mad and kicks me out and threatens to call the cops on us. My finally sent me a text and said we might as leave we are making things worse by being there. Later I get a call from a close family friend that she was taking delight in telling people on how she run me out of the house. Actually she didn't, run us out of the house, my son and I was waiting for her to call the cops, I know that is mean, but what can I say.
This is really long, but dad was released from the hospital with oxygen and catheter. I had a nurse, therapist, social worker and home health aid set up to come in and help. I was told they didn't need any help at home, washer and dryer are in the basement. They can't go down the steps. It was all canceled, my dad has taken himself off of the oxygen. He still has the catheter, I don't know how he will get rid of that. The hospital did not recommend he go home right away but go to a nursing home for a couple of weeks to recover. So now I am back to square one.

To "sucker": Unless you this "friend" can sit down and work things out definitely you can stop contact with her. Take care of yourself. Your "friend" sounds like a vampire and a false friend. Do you think you are co-dependent? Find out there: http://coda.org/. Be good to yourself.

I have a friend like that which is what brought me here. I do so much for her and give her so much, yet she is so hateful. I think breaking things off with her is probably easier than for you breaking things off with your mom. I can't understand my need to help her. I'm so tired of it. I need to cut off any contact with her so I don't hear about her problems. I deserve better. I'm sure it's difficult but can you refuse to help her if she doesn't change? Let her decide if she needs help bad enough to be decent. If she desperately needs help she will have to change or live with the consequences

Don’t have her at holidays. She has made her bed and let her lay in it. Stop feeling guilty. Where has that got you?

Let your sister take her for for the holidays. Better yet leave her in the facility. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Why should you not enjoy your children and grandchildren. Your mother is a narcissist person and will never change. You did your part. Time to enjoy whatever time you have left. It is clear that she has not learned this.

@CantDance,
Yes, I know, and I am in danger, having always been the one to easily forgive in the past. I know now that this just enables people, after a while, to keep being cruel. I am still forgiving of the truly repentant, though. I am also the truth teller. Truth is important to me.

My adult son said something, similar, to what you did, here. He said: "Mom, instead of thinking about the family that created you, think about the family you created." He then went on to say how much he appreciated me.

In regard to bitterness. I have been, somewhat. Especially, in response to people being angry with me for limiting contact with my mother (and, by the way, a sister, who is like my mother, on steroids, and highly toxic). However, the biggest issue for me has been the gut wrenching sadness from realizing all of this, and that I can never love them enough to fix our relationships.

DebsDaughter,

I would proceed with caution regarding contact with your Mom. It may be your Mom's dementia has softened her negativity, in which case I can see why you might be tempted to re-establish contact. Going low or no contact takes a great deal out of you, especially at first. I understand your caution, which is wise! There's no right or wrong course of action. Depending on the source of dementia, whether it's LBD, vascular, Alzheimer's whatever, the progress of the disease can be inconsistent. She may be going through a temporary phase.

Let me offer hope. She will never change. You can.

Soooo many of the mothers described here sound like carbon copies of my own. Good grief, it's like a disease that doesn't kill the host, just everyone around it! The negativity, the blaming, the abuse, the toxicity! These women are total killjoys. Love thieves. Noxious Nellies. Debbie Downers. Can you think of any more? It is soooo hard not to be bitter, to have been raised by such a miserable thing! I have to remind myself daily not to allow her negativity to define who I am. One of my favorite affirmations:

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." Carl Jung

My mother, after many, many years of being nasty, bitter, negative, overly controlling, and disrespectful, has very recently been diagnosed with mild dementia. Four years ago, I had finally had it with her abuse. It broke my heart, but I pretty much went no contact with her. I really needed to do so, as it was affecting my own mental health. Now, all of a sudden, within just the last few months, she is so pleasant, quite funny, and even joyful to be around. She is almost 77 now. I have been visiting her again and talking with her on the phone. I hope that she remains pleasant and that this is not an act. It took a looooooooooong time to heal from the abuse. I want to be in her life. Not being in her life made me feel so guilty, but, if this is an act....

CGN8485,
Life is too short to be living this way. What if you died tomorrow?
It’s time to be happy and that won’t happen with your mother there.
Run away from home!

Reading some of your stories has helped me to feel less angry, isolated, and challenged by people who have no idea what it's like to have been raised by a hateful, miserable human being. My 89 year old mother lives with me. Like many of your stories, there was NEVER any pleasing her; she rarely showed any affection or emotions (other than anger/rage). Those who were not raised this way simply cannot fathom the hurt and degradation. She's a miserable human being and seems hell bent on making sure everyone knows and (even better) joins her in her toxic rants. It's very hard to create an emotional and logistical barrier and I'm a mental health counselor!

I currently work six days a week and have a caregiver at the house when I'm gone. She was so hateful to the caregiver last week, she left. I hate my day off because I have her following me around criticizing, complaining, demanding, blaming, deflecting, etc., etc., etc. My heart goes out to all of you who are living the same nightmare and I pray for relief and peace for all. Take care of yourselves.

Kimber, I guess I just felt that as the older sibling it is my responsibility to manage her and try to prevent the behavior that Upstream is talking about or at least shield it from others. I have just begun to distance myself from a pure sanity standpoint. I also have a job and three small children. Also, I don't want to take away from my sister who puts up with it too, she is just a little better at stepping away than me. Upstream, that sounds very familiar. And I do see daughters getting the brunt of most of these stories but in my case....I am her son.

worndown, my mom's behavior at my dad's care facility has been so bad I have received phone calls from staff. She drops the F-bomb there and even yells at my dad to F-off and shut up, stuff like that. Then she expects sympathy....

It seems to me there is a lot of pressure on daughters to drop our careers and lives for this, to the point of ruin. My husband's siblings are all boys, his dad is alone and his dad says he knows his boys are busy with their own lives and careers and he takes care of himself....

worndown - reading your comments - my heart breaks. Why do you put up with it? She is in a nice assisted living. How about not taking her calls or starting to pace your visits? She is abusing you .

Upstream, it is amazing that so many of these posts are so similar, almost as if they are talking about the same person. Sorry to hear about your dad and the situation. When my dad was sick it was awful but of course it was made entirely worse by all the tantrums my mom threw and her not wanting to be responsible for my dad or herself during that time. I feel the same way and really do feel guilty about it but the only way I ever see getting any relief is when she is gone. Hang in there!

worndown, OMG you could almost be writing my story. My mom is also a dark cloud over my life and has been for an extended amount of time. I too did not realize how much my dad buffered her behavior and attitude from me and others. He got dementia (I honestly think she drove him to it!!) and had to be placed in a memory care facility two years ago because she refused to care for him. The last two years she has become an incessant child, always demanding I drop what I'm doing to meet her needs. It's horrible and until she's gone my life is ON HOLD. And that's the plain truth.

I have been stalking this thread for the last four months after finding it randomly while typing in phrases that describe my mom like “nasty, miserable, depressed, hateful, etc.” This thread was started in 2011 and people have been commenting on it every few weeks or months for the past 9 years. That in itself is comforting to know that I am not alone and there are so many people dealing with the same or similar issue. In fact, I swear some of these posts (I have now read almost all of them) sound like they could have been written by me or my sister. My mom has been a black could over my life since the day my dad was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago (he died within a year). I always saw how selfish my mom could be and for lack of better words, she just always acted like a spoiled brat. I never realized how much my dad buffered her from my sister and I until he got sick. Then we saw what happens when she doesn’t get enough attention and how she didn’t expect to be responsible for anything, even her own needs. Fast forward to now. She is an absolute nightmare and has been since my dad died. She is now in her third AL in three years after we relented and let her go back home after a short stay in the first one. All of them have been wonderful but she cries, complains and pitches a fit until we agree to let her go somewhere else because she always hates wherever she is-even her own home after a while. She promised that this last move three weeks ago was going to make her happy (we knew better). She now has a large living room, a kitchenette, a huge bathroom, a private patio and most importantly for her, a washer and dryer. It took my sister and I fourteen hours to move her in. We finished at 11pm. By 8am the next morning she was calling raising hell about the place. She hated it and wished she had never found it. She literally called my sister and I at least 4 times each day screaming and crying about the craziest stuff. We got her the wrong toilet paper and it isn’t soft enough, she can’t find this or that, the dining room is too far to walk to (about 50 yards), she has to wait too long for the water to get hot in the shower, they don’t pick up her trash enough, neither her cell phone (3rd flip phone in a year) or land line work (she leaves it off the hook)-  just on and on. I finally told her last week that I didn’t want to see or talk to her (took these ten years to finally do it). Shortly after my sister did too but mom still calls 3 or four times a day with constant nastiness and complaining. We always let it go to voicemail and don’t call her back but that doesn’t seem to make it any better. We keep in touch with the AL staff just to make sure none of her “problems” are actually serious. They never are. She has been there three weeks and my sister and I have emailed or called the AL at least six times in that period. I am terrified that the AL is going to get sick of her and kick her out. Every time the phone rings I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. I can’t tell which is worse, going no contact (it has only been a week) with the fear that she is bothering someone else or putting up with her nastiness to somewhat appease her and just knowing that at least I don’t have to live with her. And to that point I feel so sorry for all of the people on here that have to take these nasty people into their homes. I would probably be in jail if I had to do that. While I typed this, my sister emailed me that my mom has left her the third message of the day screaming about something she has run out of and “desperately needs.” Thanks to all who continue to share.

I'm so lucky because my Mom is the sweetest person ever, and so was my Dad when he was still here. Now that she has dementia, she has said some pretty hurtful things about me. So unlike her. I can't imagine what it's like to have the opposite kind of parent when I was growing up. With that being said, some people just aren't that nice, even to their own children. And it is what it is. Please don't let another person dominate your life, even if it is your parent. Especially when they don't have your best interest at heart. Put your children, and yourself, first. Some people just aren't willing to do that. My grandmother was like the person you describe. I loved her dearly, and learned just to accept her for who and what she was. I get it that it's not the same thing. But please, guilt has no helpful place in this situation. You can't make another person happy. That comes from within. It's so difficult to let go. But, maybe keep your contact to a bearable level for you? Sounds like she's well taken care of where she is. Do what you feel your need to do, but maybe without suffering yourself.

You aren’t alone. All of mylife I didn’t realize how selfish and narcissistic my mother was. After my father passed away she became so openly mean and rude. I have now held by the NO contact rule. It is an ongoing process and becomes a bit easier as the years go by. I truly believe she will never contact me to show any sorrow or empathy. Actually if she were to contact me I would probably become ill all over again as it has taken much labor to rid myself of her destructive behavior. Again you are not alone. Stay strong and take care of yourself and your family.

Wow. “ We are damaged children of the miserable.” SPOT ON. I was born 13 years after my idolized brother in what I think was a last ditch attempt to save a failing marriage. My parents were married for 65 years. Her life ended the day my brother drove out the driveway to college, the same year I started kindergarten. I had a lifetime of never being good enough, it was never done right, the men in my life never good enough...so I never married and never had children for the terror of repeating the cycle. (I heard her tell someone one day it was a damn good thing that I never had kids because I didn’t have the sense to raise them even though I speak four languages and have a successful professional career.) When she became ill in 2000, I returned home to the same city to help my father care for her, a father with whom I had no relationship really due to my mother’s narcissistic needs for attention. I should have never done it. I’m sitting in a hospital room now with my 96 year old father who I don’t think will make it out of here and I am at peace with that. I have done above and beyond for both of them And after 19 years, I shall be free.

People who decide they can no longer interact with an abusive elderly person are generally not " monsters." Most should be declared martyrs or even saints. My story is an illustration. My mother has been hell to contend with her entire life. I blame her abuse of my dad for his early death at age 48 from a heart attack, for my brother leaving home as a young man and never coming back even to visit, and for my own depression and anxiety disorders. She saw me as her last chance for controlling someone--and she did just that until I rebelled in middle age and married someone she disapproved of. She disowned me. Sixteen years later, my brother convinced me to go and see about her because she had a heart attack (and because he has always dumped the responsibility for our mother on me). WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE. Now in her nineties, the woman is still hell on wheels and totally controlling and very punishing. In the one year I was back in association with her, I had 3 surgeries--one for a complete hysterectomy--and yet I couldn't run fast enough for her. I had her in two hospitals, two rehab, and then a wonderful assisted living. Nothing I did measured up. Finally, I woke up and realized my mother would never love or even like me. I had done enough. I left her in a lovely assisted living with good care. She has friends she likes way better than me coming to visit her. Her darling absentee son calls her and they have a great chance to talk about what a bad daughter I am. I don't care. I am done. Society, my brother, and her friends can say what they want about me. I know the truth of the situation and that I performed a heroic deed just going back to help this woman for one year. Anyone in a situation like mine has my total support and empathy. Find your parent a safe place to live and then decide how much interaction, if any, you can stand. I wish you peace.

Struggling1........I want one of those weird visions in MY head, because I sorely need one! I spent all day Sunday really upset and feeling sorry for myself, again, ruining the day for my poor husband and what FOR? Because I can no longer deal with my mother who is also in better physical condition at 92 than I am at 61! Why? Because she's spent all of those years GIVING out the agida and the heartaches, not taking them ON. As an only child, I'VE taken them on cause I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. As God as my judge, I'm going to start envisioning that box of rocks & rotten eggs and hand the damn thing back to HER, where it belongs, instead of allowing it to fester inside of ME! I need a mouse trap snap, too.

I'm done.

Thank you, dear Lady, for sharing yourself today, it's really helped me.

OMG NO! You are far from alone, and boy, finding this thread is really where you belong. Honest people on this site go thru this thick head of mine.

I wont rant on about the decades of physical, mental, emotion, marriage issues or the financial destruction this SOB mother of mine has caused. Lets just say at 60, I got crap to show for it and she is in better physical shape than me. How or why is she breathing? 91 miserable years! Just like her mother.

The trick to survival, is distance.
I have said this so many times, but here I go again.....
Just when I was about to totally implode I got this weird vision in my head, like a mini movie. I was standing there face to face with her. I had this filthy box, it weighted a ton, it stunk, Cold, heavy, rancid heavy garbage and rock and I could barely hold it up anymore. I said to her, " here this is your, not mine" and I handed it to her. BOOM! I can not tell you honestly what the hell happened but it was instant, like a mouse trap snap.

I was done, I was free, I somehow change my entire mind set right then and there. Granted, I still have to deal with her existence, there are thing I still do, but from a distance, on my schedule, I am never with her for more than an hour on a good day and on a usual rant & rave day, I warn her to get off the subject or I leave, if she doesnt...Im out the door, instantly.

Somehow once I got going, it all started to sink in- stupid things like would you stand in a room full of rotten eggs- letting it take you over? Would you put up with a total stranger ripping you apart for no reason? Would you show up at work every day when they met you at the door ripping you up and down? Dahhhh......and we have, for years, decades! Why because of the word "Mom"? dahhhhhh again. See what I mean? There is no guilt, there is right or wrong, good or bad, healthy or sick and we are 60...tick tick tick! I have a heart problem, 5 surgeries under my belt and I know dam well I dont have decades to go. I have 14K in the bank, there is no retirement in my further, for me, its work until I cant, then the domino effect starts with creditors and I get a front seat to watching that train wreck happen. I dont care if you walk, run or take an Uber....get away from the room of rotten eggs! You got this, if it can get thru my thick skull you can too. Hang in there!

Golden23, God bless & keep you. 106......I shall literally shoot myself if mother lives to that age. She is 92 next month and killing me on a daily basis. I am an only child, which is horribly unfair for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because I bear the entire burden of her physical and financial care. She's in an ALF, thank God, but I still have a million things to do for her. She is chronically miserable, narcissistic and mentally ill along with dementia and the ugliest spirit I've ever seen in a human. A few months ago she decided it was important to tell me why she always hated my father (who died in 2015)and always treated him badly for the 68 years the poor soul was married to her. She wanted to make me hate him too which would never happen. After telling me something totally inappropriate, she felt justified in hating him, and felt that I should now stop being "against her". Instead, I can no longer stand her and what little tolerance I had left for her bullshit is gone. I'm going to start looking out for MYSELF for a change and cut back my exposure to the toxic fumes.
It's incredibly sad what we have to go through with these toxic women. I dearly hope we can detach from them and allow ourselves to live in peace and happiness from now on.

What do you do w/a narcissistic parent like that? Leave them alone, and send them a counselor to go visit them. For the sake of your own sanity, and that of your kids, DO IT. I’m talking out of experience. It’s not a matter of being mean, it’s a matter of setting boundaries for your own self-respect, and the peace, and wellbeing of yourself, your marriage (if you are), and the well-being of your children.

Rocks Paper is exactly correct. I had older relatives who were kind and caring. They were blind and variously homebound in their old age but it was a pleasure to be around them. They enjoyed their lives. They worked hard and had the philosophy that all of us deserves peace and autonomy. They had enough money and good home care.
My selfish old parents would suck the last breath of life out of me if I let them.

They are afraid of death.

We will all die someday and me living in the shadow of their fear and disappointment (they are well looked after and have way more money than I do) is in no way going to improve my lot. The saying goes ”misery loves company”. Maybe me being miserable would make them happy. What kind of parent is that?They have always seen the glass as half empty and l always have the feeling they can’t stand it when I am happy.
Live your life. I guarantee you that making yourself or letting others make you miserable is NOT your purpose on this planet. I am not a religious zealot but I am positive that God’s purpose for us is not to let ourselves be treated badly by miserable people who are afraid to die.
Do not be afraid to live. We will all die some day and that is the level playing field of life.
Go out there and enjoy it while you can. You do not owe your parents the air you breathe. They have their own air. As do we all - just a certain amount and then your number is up.
I truly enjoyed spending time with my late Grandparents and my Aunt. They were warm, wise, funny, loving and caring. They knew neither one of us would live forever. Life has many phases and chapters for each of us. Don’t let your crabby old mother hijack your joy.
I have performed this excersise myself. Simply pretend that your parents are “okay” (assuming they have their basic custodial and material needs met) and act as if you are completely unencumbered by them. And you will stop waiting for the day they die in order to be happy.
Both my parents have all their custodial and material needs met - much more well off than me. If they do not realize it - well I realize it. If they have health maladies me being “sick” isn’t going to make them “well”. I’ve been around sick old people who are still filled with joy. It is their perspective on life.
You see what I mean? Maybe they will catch on and maybe they won’t. You do not need to feel guilty about enjoying your own life. If you have good health that is a gift not to be frittered away.
I am one of amongst many siblings. We are all basically decent people. I remember very vividly one day my old mom, who suffers from a very unusual and difficult neurological problem, said to me “It’s because of you kids that I have this problem!”
My friend’s mom is the exact same age as mine (85) and has just as many children. They are all grown adults. She is in very good health.
My mother’s poor condition is the result of bad luck and probably bad genes. It has nothing to do with anything I or any of my siblings have ever done. I didn’t make it happen and I can’t undo it.
Old age and death will visit each and every one of us. I have seen some take it gracefully and others are just angry about everything.
Live your life in peace. You cannot control your parent’s angry or depressive attitude about the fact that their body is not what it once was and they will not live forever. If they seriously need professional counselling that is better than you turning yourself inside out trying to please them. That would be a full time job and maybe they’ll be fine but you’ll be completely depleted.

My mom was like this for decades. About a year ago something happened that made her much easier to deal with and pleasant to be around. I think it was dementia which she definitely has but I think for that short period of time it made her very nice to be around. Now she doesn't remember most of that year and she is in a nursing home permanently. That aspect of her seems to be gone and the complainer is back. I had been visiting her daily for months until it was too much and until I realize the sweet mom was mostly gone. Yesterday I realized that I may never see that nice version again. now I feel hard pressed to visit her though I know it would be the nice thing to do. She was a meh to bad mom most of her years but I know some of that could be contributed to dementia. Yet, at this moment I just don't care anymore. She is getting excellent care where she is and taking hours out of my day a few times a week for someone who was a crappy mom feels now at this point like something that doesn't make me happy.

I keep going hoping to see sweet mom version but yesterday I got confirmation from a nurse that I don't think sweet mom exists and that she seems to have stabilized enough that her 'normal' personality is there full throttle now. Frankly, I'm pretty much done with her if this is who she will be. She was never really a nice person in decades that I remember and I really have been an amazing daughter to her for the most part helping her through two knee surgeries, helping with things around the house when I could, helping her through the last year in her major decline and visiting her daily for months this summer/fall until I realized it was dragging me down.

She is my mom and I do love her, but I don't really like her. I did adore that sweet version of her that I had for maybe just under a year. In retrospect, I didn't even realize she was this new version for about half of it. I am certain that the dementia had something to do with it. It's like she forgot she was a jerk or something. Knowing that this version of her is gone sort of makes it ten times worse because for a few months there when I realized she was this nicer version, I just felt so comforted by that. I loved spending time with her and did whatever I could to help her. It felt like a gift from the gods. And now that personality is gone and cranky mom is back. Granted she seems to be better than she was previously in that she's not that bad, but there are still aspects of her that remind me of the worse version of her and going to spend time with her in a nursing home at all with her like that is unappealing. And knowing how she was for those few months and what it was like to have what to me felt like a really good supportive loving mom just makes it even sadder now. Even worse, going to visit hoping to see that version or feeling like I NEED to see that version because I didn't have a decent mom and now I am in this weird position of remembering and missing the good mom I had for some months when the not good one is back, it just makes the whole thing suck even more.

And then there's the fact that sometimes I actually like her better now when she has an infection. She seems less hostile or displeased then. There's a kind of underlying displeased attitude that she had for decades. It seems gone when she is ill and for the few months where she was pretty great as a mom. Now I even wonder how the dementia will progress because I suspect it made her the cynical pessimistic paranoid mean spirited jerk she had been for many years. She's definitely not anything that bad right now but I can see shades of it but to a much lesser degree. I decided last night to stop visiting so much because I feel like it's me on a rollercoaster looking for someone who may never return.