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Heart-felt empathy from me to everyone with abusive parents.

I need to vent!

I’ve been totally depressed for a day, not really understanding why — until I realized again, it’s because I was yelled at all day yesterday by my abusive elderly mother.

I was helping her. It was necessary help.

When I get depressed I sleep (to try to escape). I eat bad food all day. It’s like I self-destruct. I guess the junk food is comforting.

I need to scream.

(I’m very calm, friendly when I speak to her).

My mother has been abusive to me my whole life. And like many adult children, suddenly we’re helping our abusive parent.

This will go on for years.

It’s destroying my mind (stress). And I can’t work properly, because after helping her, I have to recover from the abuse.

I know many people are in exactly the same situation as me.

She’ll continue forever.

She treats my brother very well. He does nothing to help. I know it’s a common scenario.

All of us with good hearts, wanting to be kind to our parents (even when they’re abusive)…

I need to find a way to stop being attacked.

Dear Bundleofjoy,

Below you wrote:

“difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost”

That’s exactly how I feel.
I must find a way out.
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Do not feel guilty. I would imagine she was like that all through your childhood.
I know mine was. She has no regard for others. I truly understand your anger your frustration and your hurt. Yes it hurts a lot...
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No you are not alone. Your story is very familiar.
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adding to my comment below :)

and please be careful:

we all know it, but we must remind ourselves.

difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress

----time lost, having to move like a ninja through all the attacks

----opportunities you don't EVEN REALIZE you've lost, because you're very busy dealing with attacks.

hug!!
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just a general comment here for people dealing with difficult/impossible elderly LOs (sound mind).

it’s unfortunate because:

it’s already so stressful (the emergency/whatever you’re dealing with)

…and then there’s the additional, totally unnecessary stress from difficult LOs on top of that.

i wonder if almost 100% of difficult LOs (sound mind) never took care of their own elderly parents (because they died young/whatever reason).

and,
unfortunately,

these difficult LOs feel good when they dump stress on you — so from their point of view it’s “necessary” to dump it on you.

very unkind.
totally undeserved.

i send compassion AND i hope anyone in this situation has a lot of luck in finding good solutions.

hug!!!

wishing us all a great weekend!!! :) :)

bundle of joy :)
(5)
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More guilt for no reason.
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dear veez,

hug!!
unfortunate you feel at home here.

sending big hugs to you, with all you’re going through!

bundle of joy
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Wow, I feel at home here.
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Is your Mom, my Mom?! LOL. It is truly bc of this forum that I have been able to put boundaries in place. You are not alone! <3 My Father just passed. He was not allowed to pass at home. Leading up to the Holidays, I set in place that we would celebrate Holidays with her during the Holiday season, so I could protect the actual day for my grown Kids & their other relatives. I will probs forever feel guilty for implementing this, but I must preserve my sanity. Smartest thing I ever did. Spent 1 day, every 5 days with her month of Dec. Years of her Alcoholism during my MS & HS yrs, replaced by mental illnesses: manic years followed by NPD & either BP or Borderline...coupled w/pathological lying. I will continue to be there for her every week until the end of time (2 hrs away) but boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...... Hard enough as is. I do not have her to my home, anymore. I see life as glass 1/2 full to overflowing. She is the complete opposite. Yells non stop. Criticizes non stop... YOU are entitled to have life for yourself & with your children & other family & friends. Hold firm & change it up for future holidays, etc... Glad you posted. Seriously, I could have written this.
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87 year old mom is a narcissist. I moved her into a memory care but she is still verbally abusive to other patients and the staff. It is so difficult to visit her because she is so mean and nasty. Before my sister died I was no contact but I am all the family she has now. Just the thought of a short visit causes anxiety and nauseousness.
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I was blessed with the best parents and never had this issue. I am curious to know if anyone has ever tried to get your mom to see how her negativity is affecting those around her, like when she was a younger mother.? How did your father hold up? Did she have siblings? Do you know anything about her childhood and her mother?
I ask these things because the answer would depend on knowing these things. We are a product of our "perception" of our experiences. Yet we as adults have choices,no matter what experiences we have. You have all the right in the world to choose to disconnect from your mother. I suspect she would not miss you much because she has plenty around to abuse.Your kids and the grands deserve the best life and it sounds like everyone will carry emotional scars due to her tyrancy. You can always just go visit her, bring a gift, stay 10 minutes, if that eases any guilt and any other family member that has a need to see her can do the same. No need bringing her to the family. Let anyone that needs to, go visit her.. She has made her own bed she can sleep in it by herself. ~God Bless
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Tammyslancione,

Get out of there! If your mom is telling her that God is not pleased with your care of her, that is a lie. God is not your problem. Stand up for yourself, leave and ask God for help and strength. Sounds like your mom groomed you perfectly for this abuse and even used God to shut her case closed. Break out! Leave! Let her sleep in the bed she has made!
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My mom same way. It pushes me away and i feel guilty as hell. Nothing i mean nothing is good enough. She never says Thank you. She tries to treat me like a child. She knows everything and me nothing. She lies drinks and smokes pot. I do not like the person she has become and cant stand to go around her anymore, but i have to because my siblings wont do anything. She really wasn't the best mom as a child. I had a real messed up childhood, but i stuck by her all the way. I cant no more and i know God is not pleased in any way and i have a real hard time dealing with that. I am lost sad and confused
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OMG I feel your pain!
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I think we need a club for the unfortunate children of the narcissists out there - it 's a pretty big club. Sadly, I am now 66 years old and my mother is now looking for me and my husband to take care of her!
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my mother was kicked out of a nursing home (really? yes)
I hate the sight or sound of her. It makes me feel like such a very bad person, but how else could I feel about her? and this makes me feel like such a piece of s*** human being as I am her spawn .... :(
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My mom is similar. I pray every day she does not get kicked out of eldercare. I only realized 18 months ago my mom is a narcissist, I'm 65 now. Lots of info on line. All of us kids have stepped back, way back. Since my dad's death 3 years ago mom started takin all her wrath out on me. Thankfully her dementia is to the point that she can easily call me. I feel no guilt what so ever about not being at her beck and call now that I understand.
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Given who and what she is/was, why on earth would YOU feel any guilt regarding her. She should feel guilty. People may have your blood but if they behave in ways that hurt and harm others, no one owes them anything - NOTHING. Immediately totally remove her from anything involving you or your family - she will destroy it all. Tell her there are boundaries and they are effective at once and you will do whatever it takes to put a stop to the problems she causes. Stay away from her and no matter how hard it is, find a way to place her or get a caretaker - DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH HER IN ANY WAY. Live your life so it makes you happy and just forget about her. People like this are NOT worth it and you must move on. NOW.
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Admins: Imho, perhaps this discussion should be closed for comments as it's over a decade old.
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I feel your “pain.” My sibling and I are in the same position but with our father.
Whats worked best for us is to limit our visits to once or twice a month. Dad lives in a AL 3 hours away. He refuses to move to be closer to my brother and I and then tells anyone who will listen we are terrible kids who only want his money and to control his life (and that’s the nicer of the things he tells people). I call him once a week and when the conversation ultimately goes awry I tell him it’s time for me to go. At this point there isn’t any hope of changing them or their personality. Guilt is an emotion you have to work through but you can limit the time
you spend feeling guilty. Focus on the people and things that make you happy and spend your time with them. You will NEVER make her happy. She has mastered the art of manipulating you and it’s up to you to stop it and preserve your own happiness ( I know…Easier said than done but not impossible).
BIG HUGS to you. 💕
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You are not alone. I so understand how you feel, particularly about how your children try so hard to help you in an impossible situation. Many people will say to you "oh she is old, it's just her age". Just know that many of us understand that she was always that way. If you can find a way to shake off the guilt, do it. You have done your part. I know it isn't easy. Just know that there are many of us who feel as you do. xxx
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Guilt has been defined as good intentions we never had. What makes you feel obligated to invite her to holiday celebrations when it results in you and your children becoming miserable? You have provided your mom with a quality assisted living facility; that meets your obligation to her. Now attend to your obligations to yourself and your children. Without telling her why you’re putting some distance between you and your mom - such a discussion will only result in a fruitless argument- just gradually decrease your visits and stop ruining holidays by inviting her. This may not change her behavior but will show your children that their happiness is a priority. And your happiness, too.
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First rule is protect yourself. You are no good to anyone in this world if she destroys you and your joy.
It took me 50 years of marriage to a covert narcissist to come to the conclusion that I could not teach him how to love by loving him. Quite to the contrary, the more I loved him the worse he treated me. I was trained by my mother who was very similar to him, so my whole life I have been destroyed by jealous people. The more they tortured me, the more I needs validation, so I threw myself into my work, and my hobbies. As a result, I became more successful which only made things worse. I waited the 50 years of marriage for my husband to "get it". And now, he has Parkinson's and the perfect excuse to control everyone. He makes it look like he can not care for himself (I do not believe this is true). He started falling down the steps (due to abuse of painkillers I found out after the fact). As a result, as a temporary solution I hired 24/7 caregivers (very expensive). I realized at that point, if I accepted responsibility for him, he still will never "get it", and I have sentenced myself to the rest of my life as his slave. I filed for divorce because he is going to keep caregivers, refuses to go to Assisted Living, until he uses up all his savings. At that point, I realize his wife (me) would have to pay his expenses, thus using up all my savings, leaving me with nothing for when I can no longer care for myself. My kids see only the fake dad, the perfect one, making me look like the evil person. I have lost them, we still see each other, but it is very strained. My advice to you, go no contact. She will destroy you. You deserve better. You will feel the weight is lifted off of you. Don't feel guilty. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. Send cards, and call. Don't go. It is easy to hang up (for the doorbell, or any other excuse) and cards are no contact. Take care of YOU. Someone told me, this is your only life, it is not a dress rehearsal. That is very profound. You only get one life, make it count!
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If she's in assisted living, that is her home now. I had an aunt in Assisted Living, and the staff had planned parties etc...
Let her find some friends or companions to keep her company. Send her cards and letters to brighten her day (without you being present). That will alleviate your guilt.
I've always heard that an empty glass can't pour water. Give your self rest, know that you mother has to receive what good people give her, and she doesn't. That's on her.
You are my age and we were raised to love everybody and turn the other cheek. A careful study of the scriptures showed me this (through a good friend). If being around her causes you to sin, then you have to guard your heart. God tells us if something makes us weak, then to avoid it, and in that way, keep peace. Send sweet cards, call now and then, and hang up.
For me, I will never forgetthe day I hung up with my stepmother (like your mom - she used to write me long letters telling me what a rotton mother I was), and I was crying or agitated. My husband noticed. I told him, I love her, but I refuse to let her control me anymore. I forgive her (which releases me), but that doesn't mean I have to be responsible for making her happy. It's very freeing.
At the end of the day, you have honored her the best you could, and you should sleep well at night knowing that. God bless you, and it's hard. But, you can do it.
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Hatred and the subsequent guilt are feelings you don’t have to act on or explain.
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I don’t think you should feel guilty at all. I do think your mom should get a short visit on Christmas Day where she lives and an honest reason why you aren’t taking her to your home. Your family has tolerated this long enough.
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@TChamp Funny that the child could not disqualify from the hateful, abusive mother.
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Of no help to you, but after putting my mother in a lovely LTC facility and after dealing with her constant arguing & yelling that she didn't belong there (this after letting my brother die and living with his corpse for 3 days), want to know what happened next?

Pandemic Quarantine!!!

I could not visit her, which meant I did not have to visit her.
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Walk away and don’t look back. Free yourself or the negative energy she obviously exudes. If she’s in a facility then at least she’s safe. You and your family deserve to make your own wonderful happy memories without the guilt or shadow of hate and unhappiness your mother ladens you with. I had a similar situation with my own family member, once I walked away, I felt free and happy. Do it; at 60 yo, you need to free yourself for the sake of your family. Start making new memories today! Best wishes.
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Then why visit. She's in AL and as you describe in a good place. You have the same experience I had with my so-called dad. He died in a NH age 64, I was 23. After I helped get him into a NH (strokes from being a life long drunk and abusing his body), I never went to visit once he was settled in. After taking his abuse from as early as I could remember, I felt like I did what was expected of me and I was done with it. I attended his funeral to be with my Mother and for no other reason. We had made arrangements for his funeral/burial. If my Mom hadn't been able to attend for some reason, I wouldn't have bothered with the 3 hour drive to attend. Reap what you sow, its a fact. I did what was expected of family and it was done. Can you relate? You have fulfilled your obligation as family and at age 60, its time to move on from lifetime of bad memories. Make final arrangements for when the time comes. Its more than a lot of people get for their exit.
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