My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

If folks confront youbwith untruths about your behavior, laugh and say "if you believe THAT, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you".

Don't defend yourself. Just laugh and shake your head.

What does it matter what others think?

My mother is 81 and lives 100 yards from me. My dad died 3 years ago and our relationship went down hill from there. My husband and I did everything for my parents for the last 30 years. Like home improvements, digging up their sewer by hand😞, fixing the leaky roof after a tree fell on it, snow removal, mowing. I’m sure you get the idea.
After dad died my sister, who could never be bothered, took over and turned what I thought was a good relationship into a horrendous one. My mother told me on Mother’s Day that she wants no contact.
I have been in therapy trying to deal with all the hatred from my mom and my sisters motives. I’ve been accused of things that are absolutely not true and they are spreading lies to other family members and their friends. How do you deal with that?
I just don’t understand the betrayal when we have always been a close family.
My husband tries to be supportive but I think he is tired of me needing to talk about it. When it hits me I can’t always get into a therapy session right away. It just hurts so bad.
Seeing her ignore me everyday because our houses are so close doesn’t help. Moving isn’t an option right now.
Any advice would be a blessing!

I'm sorry but they thrive on your guilt! No you are not selfish for wanting a wonderful holiday.

HI all....I just happened upon this site and was amazed. I though I or my sister had written these posts!! I have been seeing a therapist for several years on how to handle my controlling and manipulative mother. I am 66 and my sister 67 and a brother at 69 and she is 88, very sharp, a bit fragile due to a bout with cancer last year and chemo. I about fell over when the oncologist said she was cancer free andwill probably live to 100!! I should have been happy. Life is only her way or no way...You don't get to have a voice cuz she's "mother" and your wasting your time trying to state your feelings. Mind you, we all live far away but my sister and I have been there monthly during her treatments. We can't do enough and she constantly wants complete attention and adoration... if topic drifts to one of us about our lives or families she quickly interrupts to get back to her. She has gotten worse since my dad passed 3 years ago but has always had these behaviors. She flies off the handle and is angry at one of us in an instant. We do love her and have smothered her with attention but never enough. We just recently all were visiting with our spouses and it didn't end well. She complains about all of us to one another, whatever you do to make her life easier, (she lives alone) you did it wrong or didn't do enough, she is absolutely impossible to visit more than 3 or 4 days and she has you in tears. We all feel bad as she is alone and lives far away but our visits always end bad. I have a son who lives close to her who she doesn't care to see after years of having to divide my attention , she gets very jealous. He is always there for her when she needs help but she is miserable to be around for any length of time unless she can make you miserable as well, She lives a very luxurious life and had many years of fun and health but now that she's older she is nasty. We all have created boundaries for our own sanity ..were at a loss other than to keep our distance....very sad. Anyone have the magic solution?

Hey all, sad to see I am not alone but at the same time a little relived!

The guilt is the pits and it's passed on from their's I'm sure. I hope you have had some resolve x

I personally am fed up of feeling like s*** when I spend time with my mother or analyse the time spent afterward and the realisation that becomes more apparent each time that my mother is a horrible person that I just do not like and then feeling like crap for feeling like this about her and the dynamic.

Mother in her 70's now lives alone since my fathers passing in their home and does so at a distance of over 150 miles away. On one hand this is great as she had to get on with her life in the location that she chose to be in, but on the other hand it's crap when it comes to the obligation of visiting her as there is no just "popping" in and bailing since it's more of an "occasion" to visit from such a distance.

I know that going forward I need to spend shorter or more focused/activity based time with her as to avoid her moods/comments/emotional drain and so on. But even a shopping trip doesn't stop her entitled boomer comments at high volume.

She has never been happy, I have never made her happy at least that I am aware, but why do you try when you know you won't succeed right!

There is an awful lot to unpack and I would be here forever but in short other family members are/have been responsible for her moods, not her, never her.

It's apparent now that my father is no longer with us that he was the buffer or band aid for her bulls*** and now that he is gone it is ever present. He did everything for her and suffered her crap willingly.

The more I assess the more I am sure that she must be BPD and/or a massive narc, yet even accepting that doesn't really help as I know I will never be able to confront her or raise the subjects that do make me feel uncomfortable. And to raise any subject with an over reactive narc is just not worth the time nor energy.

The issue is that I am the only child of this partnership the others are half/estranged/overseas and do not have to give one d*** about any of this and don't if at all.

So I guess I am just trying to figure out how to make this work going forward, accepting that I do not like my mothers personality and how to "pop" in from over 100 miles away and I can see it only getting worse as time goes on.

HELP! & HUGS x

Jolie, welcome to the Forum. There is plenty of support here, and please feel free to offer advice, as it looks like you have plenty to give. It's great that you have such insight about your mother and her behaviour, even though you are only 30! Many of us didn't reach your level of insight until we hit our 40s, 50s (in my case) or even beyond. Understanding her behaviour and setting boundaries now is saving you decades of confusion and anxiety. Well done you!

I know exactly how this feels. I am already 30, my mom is 66 years old. Despite everything that I did for her, nothing is ever good enough. When I was 18, I was splashed with boiling water while my dad wasn’t around. My mother is a very manipulative and narcissist person that it’s very difficult to even have a normal conversation with her.

People with narcissist mothers like us can never have a normal child-mother relationship like everyone else no matter how much we want it, and I’ve learned that’s the first thing we have to accept when it comes to dealing with rude and mean mothers.

The more you try to please her, the more disappointed you will become eventually. Mothers like them are never satisfied with themselves and are actually unhappy with themselves so they try to make us children feel the same. That’s just how they want to control us.

Sometimes I will cry myself so hard just thinking about why my mother is so mean and cruel to me eventhough all I did was being a good daughter to her. But at some point I realized she is the problem, and because she is unhappy with herself she try to project that unto me.

Nowadays I don’t see and contact her as much as I do before, but everytime I came back to my parents’ house she will make me feel like s***.

My advice, do what makes you happy even if that means you have to leave her alone and let her deal with her own shit. It’s not because you don’t love her, but because our mental health is so much more important than trying to keep an unhappy/narcissist mother happy - which is impossible to attain.

This is what I’m doing now and I feel much better about it.

I believe I know exactly how you feel. Because I couldn’t change my Mother I worked on me. Misery loves company and I got to the point that I will no longer partake. I found a lesson series on DailyOM website titled ‘Healing the Mother Wound’ it helped me a lot. I felt free and had more compassion and understanding of how I continued to allow myself to be manipulated by Mother by trying to please her. My Mother is in my home. I finally told her she had to stop or find somewhere else to live. I drew knew boundary lines, and she finally submitted. I finally met her with my true feelings and I felt liberated. I told her she was losing her grandchildren because they don’t like they you speak to me, their Mother! So far so good! As her caretaker I took back my life! They made their choices. It’s now our turn and we don’t have to feel guilty about it.

Thank you for the boldness of your post! It totally resonated with me.

hugs to you, treading!!

i hope things have improved!!

(i just noticed your post is from 10 years ago. i wonder how you solved things.) (maybe you have advice for the rest of us?)

you wrote:
“she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking”

indeed that’s the trouble with abuse. actually, i don’t call it abuse. i call it, torture.

that’s the trouble with being tortured:
-get depressed
-often put on weight, comfort eating; more depression because of weight gain
-bad sleep
-worry
-miserable day
-etc.

also, getting tortured has all sorts of effects we’re unaware of. you can make a list (that’s effects you’re aware of). how about all the lost time/energy that could have been filled with millions of nice things? how about lost opportunities, because you were busy being tortured?

the trouble is — completely abandoning the torturer (elderly parent) i personally don’t think it’s a good idea.

i disagree a bit that we owe nothing. it’s not about owing. i simply feel, despite the torture, let’s somehow try to find solutions that don’t mean totally abandoning the mean parent.

they never change. they’ll torture us the whole life. it makes them feel good.

try to find good solutions/protect yourself. hug!

bundle of joy :)

You have been groomed to feel guilty and enslaved to her your entire life! But, you know deep down that this behavior is not going to change and it's toxic to anyone who is around her, including your kids! Please don't let this abuse get passed down to your children! It's unhealthy for them! I know you are a good mother or it wouldn't bother you! So, I know you are aware that you need to put your children first! You didn't ask to be born and you wouldn't tolerate this behavior from anybody else, right! So why does she get a pass to behave abusively?!! My advice is this----- you owe her NOTHING! You owe your kids sane, loving holidays! So drop her like she's hot! Actions have consequences! It's her actions that make it necessary to go no contact with her! You are teaching your adult children to stand up for themselves and that bad behavior should not be tolerated! Plus, you are going to regain your self worth! Much love to you and God bless!
✝️😊💓💯

Natbites, welcome to the Forum. We all try to help each other through our various problems, and yours sounds all too familiar. Given your cancer situation you must put yourself first now, especially as others in your family are not supporting you. It sounds like your sisters are happy for you to do everything and have no intention of helping you. Now is the time to change all that. Tell them very clearly that your cancer situation means you can no longer be the main port of call for your parents and that they must step in and help, or they can arrange an alternative. Do not feel you have to explain yourself further - that really is enough. Walk away. Say the same thing to your mother. Walk away. Bar their calls and messages for a week or so while you take some time to think about your own needs right now, noting what you do and just as importantly don't need, moving forward. Do not cave in to dramatic scenes and invented crises during this time. Recognise this as attention seeking behaviour. Focus on yourself, especially as they will not. If you want to be around to enjoy your sons growing into fine young men, ditch the Fear, Obligation, Guilt and give yourself a break. Please keep connecting with this Forum and we will support you.

I just happened on this site just now as I am fed up with looking after my parents and feel guilty about it.
I have been through Cancer treatment end of last year and went through it alone, my boys are in University and I did not want them coming home to look after me through Covid and still it was all about my mother and how she felt. My mum and dad had cancer and I moved in with them to help look after them yet I was basically left to get on with my Cancer alone.
My dad has the start of dementia and I had to sort the carer who was still phoning me while I was in hospital having Chemo and my mother all annoyed with me as I could not get a signal in the hospital to call them back. I have 2 sister who will not have anything to do with any of it and have left it all to me, I am a single mum of two so they think I do not have a life so it is all up to me and I feel guilty when neither of them do.
I feel like I have lost the last 20 years of my life looking after them and I do not want to do it any more. Having Cancer has made me realise you do find out who your friends are but more importantly I found out who my family was and none of them where there for me. My mother goes on about how she got over cancer alone etc and will not have it that I moved in, fed her, carried her to the toilet, took her to hospital and stayed while she had her treatment, had to work part time and look after two little boys as my father would not help either and now I am feeling really resentful and I do not want to do it any more. Mum will phone me 5 6 times a day yet only my sisters once a week, all with poor me this poor me that, poor my life, I am only 49 yet I feel like I have no life. I spent the last 8 months trying desperately to live and for what?
Neither of my parents would look after their parents when they grew old, just like my sisters are now with them so why do I feel guilty.
My mother needs attention constantly, last week she was all upset on the phone
saying my fathers legs were all swollen and red and his toes were going black, when I left work in haste to get there as she would not call or have an ambulance called, he had banged his big toe and had a black toe nail, then lied to my face laughing saying she never said any of that.
My birthday is the day after my mothers also so for all my life we have always celebrated her birthday and not mine and I am now really resentful and have had enough but I do not know what to do about it or my feelings, before I had cancer I just got on with it and the years just went but now I want a man in my life which I have not had also for nearly 20 years, I want to go on holiday without my parents, celebrate my birthday not hers, not have to do the Christmas, Easter, every holiday with them. My boys played rugby so for 10 years I had to take my mothers along to the games, while she got drunk and embarrassing then take her home. I called her my chastity belt as whenever there was a rugby party my mother was always there, drunk.
Now I have opened the flood gates I can not stop it seems, I want a life but I feel I can not and that I am going to me stuck looking after my parents for ever until I will wake up one day and my life will be over.
Now I am sounding so melodramatic but my boys went to University last year and I thought now my work there was done and set them on their road to adulthood so I could then have a life only to be struck down with Cancer and both my parents depending on me. The story she tells my sisters is so different to the dramatic one she tells me. I do not get on with my eldest sister as we fell out over all this and I suppose played right into her selfish little hands as now she doesn't have to listen to what is really goes on and just gets the Mary Poppins version from mum.
Sorry for the rant but felt good typing this actually and all the love with everyone else going through what you are going through too.

I feel this is the direction my mother is taking. If she ever has to be put in a care facility, no one would be able to tolerate her without medicating her. I love her, but she has some of the same traits you are speaking of and did many years ago when I was a child. I'm beginning to think she had a mental problem back then that was never diagnosed. She go on spurts right now being kind to people if she has taken her Xanax, but when they wear off her cruel words to my step-dad and others are hurtful causing depression in all of us. It is scary to see her get worse as she ages. She forgets things that have been said or makes up things she thinks you said and makes accusations that are untrue. I feel I need to be there to help her, but yet I don't want to hear it.

You deserve to have quality time to yourself as you feel necessary to take care of you first! I had a nasty mother that was constantly yelling at me and insulting me and I went no contact with her two months prior to her passing. I have no regrets I had to do this for myself to save my sanity! It’s time to start enforcing really good boundaries. I recently started reading the book discovering the inner mother by Bethany Webster. Her insight and understanding provides a lot of validation to the abuse of childhood and adult criticism I have faced for years.

You deserve to have quality time to yourself as you feel necessary to take care of you first! I had a nasty mother that was constantly yelling at me and insulting me and I went no contact with her two months prior to her passing. I have no regrets I had to do this for myself to save my sanity! It’s time to start enforcing really good boundaries. I recently started reading the book discovering the inner mother by Bethany Webster. Her insight provides a lot of validation to the abuse of childhood and adult criticism I have faced for years.

Hi Leeann, you will find a lot of people on this forum who’ve had similar experiences to yours, so you are not alone! It certainly sounds familiar to me! There is so much mutual support here. There is another post, entitled “caregiving for a narcissistic mother...do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?”. You might find this also helps answer some of your questions about your experiences, along with some good advice on offer. I empathise with your situation.

After a sleepless night and years of trying to win my mother's approval, I wanted to see if anyone else had similar feelings and was brought to this website. In a way it makes a person feel better to know they're not alone, but it's also sad that there are so many of us with toxic mothers. I've taken care of my mother all of my life, felt sorry for her because she divorced my alcoholic father and had to raise two kids on her own on a ballet teacher's salary. She was molested as a child and I think that is at the root of her personality problems. I have financially supported her and tried to be the fence mender between her and family members throughout my 51 years, including my brother who gave up a long time ago and rarely visits or communicates with her. My mother lives alone and seems to tick off neighbors and friends with her "brutal" honesty and insensitive comments. No matter what I say or do, she dismisses me in the same way she did as a child. I, too, feel that if something were to happen to her tomorrow (she's 83) it would be a freeing event for me...how awful for me to say that but my mother is so unpredictable that when I have to go to her house, I feel like that 12 year old girl who tries to say nothing, be as quiet as possible in order to escape the yelling and screaming and telling me how much I owe her for "all that was sacrificed" in order to raise me. But, my husband has been a tremendous help and once told me that she's never going to change and if I just condition myself to expect that, then I won't be let down anymore whenever I think, "Finally, she treats me as an adult worthy of respect." But, she doesn't do that with anyone, has lost friends right and left over the years, doesn't speak to any of her sisters and brother as she has aged, and has the attitude that she can say whatever she wants because of her age. It is a hard truth to accept, but we just have to go on with our lives and accept that nothing we can do will when their approval. But, man, I'm ever so grateful that I won't live my golden years being isolated and miserable and bitter. I refuse to give her that power over me.

dear everyone :),

i’m sending hugs to all of us, suffering, worrying, abused, tortured...

...there are mean people.
...there are incredible, uplifting, encouraging people! :)

i wish us courage in the various difficulties we face.

it would be nice if somehow, by chance, people’s bad/mean treatment of us, by some twist in fate, catapults our lives into an amazing direction.

hugs!!!! to life!

bundle of joy :)

Wow. Reading these posts makes me feel sad and better at the same time. Sad - because we all know that it didn't have to be this way and better. We all want to have a "mother." Better because we are not alone. I am a 55-year-old only child. I was going to write a long message and thought better of it. We each have our own story -- different in details but the same overall theme. I choose to love my parents from afar. And I do love them. And I do wish it was different. At 55, I realized that they would never change. I can't take the pain anymore. I will help them as best I can, although they never gave me the tools to help them (Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy).

It looks like this is a common problem and I am in good company. It is my MIL that I am having issues with. Due to her controlling, manipulative, paranoid and jealous behavior, she is estranged from her siblings, daughter and most of the neighbors so my husband and I are the only ones left to care for her. She smokes constantly which has destroyed her health. She will not quit which is a slap in the face to us. Now that she no longer drives we are expected to do shopping, cleaning, errands, etc. She is somewhat computer-literate but resists learning technology that will help her. We both work full time and have enough stress taking care of our own problems let alone hers. She lies and plays us like a fiddle to get us to come over and do ridiculous tasks for her. When we are there she has a list and follows us around trying to control how we perform these tasks. We have been using 'tough love' on her to force her to use senior transportation programs and other services that will make her life easier, but it has been very stressful. We are moving away soon and I fear what will happen to her. I believe we need to have the hard-conversation of an AL future for her.

It’s comforting to read these comments from people who’ve been through the same thing as me. My mum has been controlling and extremely nasty my whole life. She manipulates people and plays me off against my brother, she lies to family and says nobody helps her with anything. She lies more easily than she breathes, is hypocritical, and desperately unpleasant to be around. She complains about everything and is grateful for nothing. Despite all these things, I feel guilty for not having a better relationship with her and her words can still cut me like a knife. I’m 44 years old and feel like I won’t be free until she has gone. And then I hate myself for thinking that because it’s a terrible thing to say. She’s elderly and sick and lives on her own so I don’t feel that I can cut ties with her completely. Now - for some more positive stuff that I’ve learned the hard way: you must prioritise yourself, you won’t have the strength to help anyone if you don’t look after yourself. I’ve found that physical distance helps, I had to get away from her. If i do see her I try to make it out somewhere or not at her house - if she’s slightly less comfortable in her surroundings then it seems to weaken her power slightly! I’ve tried to set some boundaries, for example if she starts sniping at me on the phone I calmly tell her that it’s not acceptable to talk to me that way and I’m putting the phone down, then I do it. If she starts trying to create drama when I’m visiting then I tell her I’ll rearrange the visit when she behaves herself. I pretend that I’m dealing with a toddler as that seems to be the level of emotional maturity exhibited by my mother. None of these things is a permanent fix but it makes my life a little easier. You are not alone in having an abusing parent, it’s hard for people to understand who haven’t lived through this kind of abuse. That’s why finding forums like this is so important. When you get a bit of distance from your abuser you might find you can look at the whole relationship a bit more objectively. I feel sorry for my mum, for how lonely and bitter she is. I don’t think she’s ever had a meaningful relationship in her life and that is so sad. At the same time, I’ll never forgive her for the way she’s treated me and I don’t like anything about her. Instead I try to be the judge of my own behaviour - she approves of nothing I do for her and is grateful for nothing. So now I just act towards her in a way that I am happy with. I help her as much as I can but I have to keep her at arms length for my own health and sanity. Solidarity to anyone who’s going through this - it’s tough and can make you feel really wretched. I send a massive hug to everyone going through this. Don’t feel bad about prioritising yourself - you’ve already survived an abusive parent so enjoy the life you make when you escape from them.

You, who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so, become yourself
Because the past is just a goodbye
Teach your children well
Their father's hell did slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick's the one you'll know by
Don't you ever ask them, "Why?"
If they told you, you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you
And you (Can you hear?) of tender years (And do you care?)
Can't know the fears (And can you see?)
That your elders grew by (We must be free)
And so, please help (To teach your children)
Them with your youth (What you believe in)
They seek the truth (Make a world)
Before they can die (That we can live in)
And teach your parents well
Their children's hell will slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick's the one you'll know by
Don't you ever ask them, "Why?
If they told you, you will cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you.

It’s amazing how long this thread has gone on. I’m dealing with guilt, a sense of obligation and responsibility for my nearly 86 year old mother. She lies, gaslights, pitted my sister against me, bought our affection, fights with and alienates people when they get to know her, yells over you during a disagreement, is always right, a know-it-all, tries to shut you down by saying “be quiet” or “stop talking”, uses the silent treatment, turns nasty like the flip of a switch, is always the victim never at fault, then self-deprecates to get you on her side, plays favourites when it serves her, has alienated my sister who has not seen her since our father died 4 years ago, makes me feel like I am crazy, and criticizes my son who lived with her for 2.5 years to go to college and to help her. You try to do something nice for her and she turns it around to a problem, and says she can take care of herself. She doesn’t drive, her closest friends are people she has hired to do work for her, gets herself into weird situations with other people, and on and on. I just had another row with her last night after something I tried to do for her health and needed to be done but she turned it into a big issue because at the last minute she decided not to do it. That gave me little time to cancel the appointment which then prevented someone else from taking it. I am a grown woman and moved 3000 miles away from her and still anytime we talk she will bring up her politics knowing we don’t see eye-to-eye. I am the one feeling like I am abandoning her since she lives alone with her dog in her house with no on-going help. I feel stupid, angry and insane sometimes after dealing with her. One conversation will be fine if I can avoid land mines then the next is just awful. I constantly walk on eggshells, and get anxiety from thinking about having a conversation with her. She tells me about the money she sends my son for college after ignoring him when he went away to school for a semester and could have used the help. She won’t fill me in on how to deal with her estate if she gets sick or dies because if I ask her that means I am only after her money. My dad left their affairs a shambles and I never heard the end of it but she is ok with leaving me in the dark as I am the executor (or so she has said. That could have changed like it has before and she made a non family member who helps her on occasion the executor). I have been in therapy, counseling, coaching. It’s fine for a while then after a period that she has frozen me out because of an argument I wave the white flag -the dutiful daughter checks in on her because it’s the kind thing to do -and we are off and running again. I envision her having her house broken into, or the awful woman who helps her occasionally, who cannot be trusted, taking advantage of her. (They fight all the time too and my mother calls me to vent after every fight.) I worry about her falling and being severely injured or dying and what will happen with her poor little dog? She is an elderly woman alone who has some money and people take advantage of that. This has gone on for so long and I left home at a young age because both of my parents were rude, critical and judgmental. But after having my son we started seeing more of each other because of him being their grandchild. Then too much time, familiarity and contact. I have the best husband, most wonderful son, finally a really good relationship with my sister and really close friends. And I still care too much about our abusive mother. Like another poster said my sister and I feel we will never have any real peace until she is gone. What an awful thing to have to admit. My sister and I both have PTSD because of it. So there it is my story for the world to see. Not a pretty one or one I am proud of. Thanks for the read!

Lawson,

There is only one way to handle someone with BPD. You need boundaries with concrete consequences for when they are broken not to change her but to protect you and your daughters. So, she's a young 64. Let her tend for herself. I'm 64 and my wife is 66, but we don't need anyone looking out or checking up on us. Want to be a good example for your daughters in dealing with an abusive person, get a therapist and ask for help in establishing boundaries with a mother whom you think has BPD. Know this, you did not make her this way; you can't fix her, and you can't change her. The best thing to do is to put yourself and your daughters on a healthy path and stay focused on those boundaries in place no matter what your BPD mom does.

I am fairly young, 46, and my mom is young at 64. She has BPD I’m sure of it though not officially diagnosed. She’s been hateful and cruel to me my entire life. She was a single mom and resented me and told me I was dirty, worthless and then she would change and be friendly for very brief periods. I got married and moved many states away from her over twenty years ago thinking the distance would help barricade me from her abuse. It didn’t. She visited less and less and kept me at a distance unless she needed to hurt me by calling me up and shouting venomous words at me. I just listen thinking I’m helping her and I’m the only one who can because she has no one else. She flies for free and refuses to come see us but once every 3 years or so. When she visits it is for a day or two, and then screams at me how I inconvenience her by living so far away. She’s retired and doesn’t work and has struggled to maintain any relationships her whole life. Being locked up in her home during this pandemic with no one to talk to but me and my daughters has made her disease so much worse. I call her every other day just to make sure she is okay and subject myself to her craziness. Most days it’s like having someone scratch nails across a chalkboard right in your ear and I find myself just wanting to hang up. The guilt takes over and I hang on the phone a little while longer until 1) she dives into a bitter angry rant or 2) she manipulates me by saying she knows I don’t want to listen to her and can’t be bothered so to just quit calling her. As an only child, I know it falls on me to take care of her but need to find a way to do this and protect what little sanity I have left. How do I start the planning process of care giving with someone so angry and bitter and hateful towards me. I want to be a good example for my daughters.

Get over it - sorry - this can go on for years. Nothing you all do will make things any better. I know 'cos i've been going through it now for 5 years, you just have to suck it up OR abandon the "old t**ts". There is no other answer it's "you or them". It's up to you to decide which is most important to you. It's ok if you have lovely loving parents who care - but if you have the toxic variety, you're out of luck i'm afraid. No matter what you do will make any difference to their "one dimentional" attitude so just admit defeat and move on. "Grey rock" is the best advice i can give.
I am 59 my mother is 83 and she has tried and succeeded to dominate me and my siblings all our lives. Whete to go from here 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Joanne, yes, it’s that “light bulb” moment, reading other comments and realising it’s not just you, there are loads of us, and there are loads of those NMs! Hope you take strength from this forum. There is a lot of support here.

Actually I have read the other comments - wow - I am not alone , they are shocking mothers by today’s standards , I guess that era created these types of mothers , makes my horrible mother sound normal now , at least they will all have each other in aged care , it’s a duty for me , and my being a good role model for my family , not about her , we constantly remind her, to her “horror “ these days , It’s not about you ? It’s only natural we are the ones googling this topic and finding each other 🤷‍♂️

Mine is the same - narcissism - she has conditioned you to feeling guilty , I have had years of therapy and broke contact for 20 years she is the one who came back and worked her way into my life , she wasn’t missed at all , she has got early onset dementia but independent , I no longer feel guilty or any other emotion she tries to trigger and they do try very hard to trigger negative emotions , it’s deliberate , I can set boundaries , and self care now , No one is going to make you feel bad or guilty for having a year off with your kids ,sounds like my mother who actually gets jealous of her own grandchildren and alienates them , my nephews have cut my mother off, due to horrible hurtful comments she makes to them , my kids don’t really know her, but give me eye contact when she says off Tap things , she can’t hurt them She hasn’t had any influence over them and they don’t understand her emotional abuse they just think she is weird , she doesn’t get the reaction from us she gets from the rest of the family , and My kids just say they understand why I never had anything to do with her for those years , but she is family .

i am just writing this to you , to encourage you to have Christmas with your kids every year without her now from this day forward , and see her Boxing Day , it’s the consequences of her behaviour and a real mum would not want to do this to her daughter in the first place , only a toxic , me me me , would want to do this to her daughter and grandchildren , your overseeing her care and you deserve a medal for that , My mother slammed her door in my face Xmas just past , I called in on my way through Xmas morning to my Xmas plans I had planned 3 months earlier , my sister had planned lunch with mum 3 months earlier , but her kids said NO , nothing to do with me , I was invited out for lunch at friends I hadn’t seen for years as my kids and I do alternate years due to divorce , I was just dropping in to see my mum on my way through as a Xmas courtesy morning visit , and because I wouldn’t change my plans or take her with me , and my sister had cancelled her invitation for Xmas at short notice at her kids request , I got the door slammed in my face when I was leaving and a tantrum 🤷‍♂️ Quite ridiculous and rude and abusive behaviour she did that to keep because I was happy and her intention was to derail me , this is what they do , they suck the soul out of people , stop 🛑 letting your mother rule your life , she is too old to have that control over you , your doing the right thing , it’s time for you and your kids to have your own Xmas 40 years ago , I think you will be feeling guilt no matter what you do , that’s what narcissists do they trigger horrible emotions in every one , I have had so much therapy my mother can’t shake me , to answer your question NO your not horrible, your mother is , and you shouldn’t feel guilty she is in good hands and you and your kids deserve a nice Xmas without your not very nice mother ruining it and you can see her Boxing Day and she can suck the Xmas spirit out of someone else it really won’t matter to her whose Xmas she ruins and she can make you feel guilty on Boxing Day so all good , my mother is just upset my sister has chosen her kids over her , as she had plans for my sister to be her old age beck and call girl and My sister has now stood up to her , now my mother is lining me up , And said some very unkind things about my sister tonight , I said why mum because she needed a Xmas with just her and her kids this year to connect after a bad year , I have Certs in aged care and will make sure everything is ok but I won’t be engaging In her toxicity , set boundaries and self care , and feel guilty Boxing Day , you may actually feel empowered

I think you need to start thinking about yourself. You are 60 and have earned that right. Relationships are give and take and it looks like you have done just about enough giving. You mother is in a safe place and will be looked after. She does not appreciate you anyway. So. For now, give yourself some space. Remember the bad times. Don’t seeth about things though, move on.