Hello
My mom is 94 years old and has been diagnosed with Dementia. I started taking care of her around 2012 and had the foresight to arrange a Durable Power of Attorney when she was lucid and capable of making sound decisions. As this terrible disease progresses it has caused my mom to behave irrational, suspicious, and many times very angry. I've arranged and managed all her health, financial, and household needs for years without any problem. She is constantly complaining of the littlest thing and says her life is awful. I've gotten her Medicaid which pays for an in-home aide to come to the house five days a week for 7 hours. We have gone through 15 of these home aides due to the abusive treatment my mom gives them. No one should take this kind of abuse, so they always wind up leaving. My mom just makes everyone around her miserable. Lately she has begun to focus her negative thoughts on me. She will tell anyone that comes to the house how I am mistreating her and that she needs help. She has called the Police no less than 8 times (using 911) and when they arrived, they were able to quickly determine that she was not making sense as she wanted me arrested for putting too much salt on her food. I know my mom is ill and that the lapse in her memory is causing her to fill in the gaps with these fantastic stories that seem to always blame me for whatever is going on in her head. It is very difficult to hear her say these hurtful things especially when she also tells them to other people. It is getting more and more difficult to let the things she says roll off my back. How much longer can I ignore her statements of, "I should have never had you" or "You're just as worthless as your father". I am also a gay man, and she has no problem calling me the Q word or the F word. Her ultimate suspicion is that I am making plans to put her in a home. I have made no such plans, but I am starting to believe that I need help otherwise I will lose my mind. I have literally not had a life in over 7 years, and she fails to realize the sacrifices I am making to take care of her. Lately she has been threatening to go to our attorney to remove me from the Durable Power of Attorney and to kick me out of the house of which I help pay for. So far, she has not asked me to take her to our attorney, but I have no doubt that she will want to eventually. Perhaps I am not the best person to take care of her anymore, but there is no one else. We do have a few relatives but due to her very abrasive personality she was estranged from them long ago. Is there some kind of service who will evaluate my mom and help me determine how to care for her? The current situation is not sustainable, and I need to reach out for some support to keep my mom healthy and save my sanity. Thanks to all who respond.
I agree, Mom needs to be medicated for her own good. By own good I mean this is an anxiety thing if she gets all worked up. Not good for her and not good for you. She should be seeing a neurologist and find out at least what type of Dementia she has so the correct meds are given.
There may come a time, you just can't do it anymore and Mom will need to be placed. If she is 94, you are a Senior too. There is only so much u can do and you serve those retirement years.
You have got to place Mom. She has progressed to the point where you alone cannot take care of her anymore. It’s not safe for you or for her. If the money isn’t there, get her on Medicaid.
You need to keep her away from the phone. All these unnecessary calls can result in a big fine or even jail time. Someone could be having a heart attack and don’t get help because EMS had to listen to Mom complaining her food was too salty! Summoning cops or an ambulance when it’s not needed is risking the life of someone who truly needs it.
If she wants to call someone, dial the phone for her and don’t let her out of your sight while she has it.
As a middle-aged mom with an aging parent, I have already told my own children, "Do NOT bring me to live with you. It was my job to raise you and care for you. Find me a nice home, visit me, and focus on your children."
Yes, dementia is a sickness that can turn people incredibly cruel as their filters die and their brain melts away. It's utterly tragic, but it's also a reality. You don't have to live with abuse, no matter what the cause. You've done your best, and you simply don't have more to give. Save yourself. You can't help your mom anymore, but that doesn't mean she can't be safe and cared for somewhere else.
The LAST thing you should do is view this as your failure to be a good child. No parent would want their kid to suffer at their hands, costing them their own health and sanity if they were in their right state of mind. Your life matters. You matter.
Is there a reason why residential care isn’t being considered?
If you haven’t had a formal diagnosis performed, it’s time. Google “geriatric cognitive/affective assessment”. Psychologists, psychiatrists, some social workers, and neurologists can do this.
You are doing JUST FINE. Be sure you’re taking good care of yourself. You’re important too.
you are amazing for giving of yourself to someone who never quite treated you right. She’s your mom, I get that but taking 12 years of abuse is a LOT.
Best of luck to you!!
Thank you for your advice. I think I just needed to put this out there and see if someone would care because at the moment I really don't feel like I'm a good person. I'm sure it has to do with the relationship I had with my mom when I was a child. But even then she was more likely to let me know of my faults and never my qualities. Thank you again
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If I could I would take you out to coffee, give you a big hug, and share our similar stories. I pray that your life will someday be happier and that you will have all the good karma that have earned! We all love you and please know you can always reach out to use. I'm truly sorry about your diagnosis. Keep your chin up Mr. Rogers.
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