Continual falls... Any advice?
Mom is an alcoholic and has taken prescription Benzos for decades. Benzos are known to cause balance/fall issues. She takes them daily and is physically dependent upon them. She lives alone down the street from me. I have witnessed self-destructive/careless behavior from her since she was in her late 60s, which is around the time her strange falls began. The first serious fall was in 2010-2011 when she broke her hand severely, and then refused the surgeon's physical therapy because she said she was old and "would not live much longer" (she was only 68-69). As a result her hand is now minimally functional. Last year she had a broken shoulder, broken part of spine, and two weeks ago she took two more serious falls and thinks we now need to go back to the spinal doctor. Her knees are often swollen and bruised, her arms are often bruised and there have been two black eyes.
Because of her behaviors over the last decade, I cannot/will not live with her. My husband says he will move out if I move her in (I have a very happy marriage that I will NOT sacrifice). It seemed ideal to have her living down the street and I would be able to watch over her. She is a hermit, no friends and there are no other relatives (I am an only child). I am 52 and still work more than full-time. She refuses to discuss any other living arrangements for her. We live in the Orlando, FL area where there are quite a few senior-type apartments, but she will not hear of it. I believe she belongs in assisted living, but any mention of that to her results in a threat to commit suicide. I feel she is making her own decisions and she has the ability to damage my life, so I keep her at arms-length. Any advice from the Forum???
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You already have your father's care on your plate. That's enough.
Odd things can happen when you are a presumed caretaker especially to a narcissistic parent. There was a woman and her daughter who moved in with the mother/grandmother who was unable to care for herself. When the woman laid down on the floor one day and refused to get up they called the EMS and police who said they could not force her to get up. They got her a pillow and blanket and kept trying to get her up. She would not even allow them to clean her up. Several calls to EMS and always the same - she is of sound mind legally and we can't force her to move. The woman died there on the floor. The daughter and granddaughter are now in jail for 5 yrs for elder abuse/neglect because they didn't do enough. Had they left the home, they still would have been found guilty because according to the state they didn't try hard enough (though no one in court could say what they should have done). I spoke for them in court because I worked with the woman who I knew to be horribly inept at self care and extremely demanding and narcissistic. I am sad I could not help more but it was a warning loud and clear. When my own mother suffered a spontaneous break of her dominant hand as she leaned on her walker to get up not one of us was willing to take on moving in with her (she was much like your mother but not with the meds, just the attitude). We took that opportunity to have her brought to the ER and from there made it clear to the nurses she had no where to go and no one to move in with her or to take responsibility. She was put in the care of a social worker who tried to get her to have a caretaker move into her home but when she refused living with someone she was packed off to a nursing home. In this case your smartest move is to legally absent yourself from her life. With people like this it's either you are all out, or all in.
She he needs to be in a facility where her needs are met....and NOT your home.
they will try to get you to agree to be her caregiver while she continues living in the same place...make it clear to them that she has been hospitalized over and over because she is t safe in the place.
leave her on their hands......
Finally mom ended up in the hospital after a fall. I had checked out the local assisted living facilities and had one lined up. She was transferred directly from the hospital to assisted living. This was not as easy as ABC, it was a couple weeks of hell but that’s what we’d come to.
I had gone through the same crap you did a couple times previously, hospital sending her home when she couldn’t even sit up and dad with moderate dementia trying to care for her.
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/189/alcohol-abuse
2) even if she refuses to buy alcohol, mom can still get it!
3) OP says "...They have sent her home with transport..."
4) OP said: "...the hospital forced me to take her home while she was still drunk & beligerent..."
It isn't that simple to just leave someone at the hospital and refuse to let them go home. Clearly the hospital sent her home. As long as she is deemed competent, she CAN demand to be sent home. The only think OP can do is not let them deliver mom to her (OP's) address!
As for the booze - if they *really* want it, they WILL get it. My grandmother loved her wine (a tad too much - she didn't know when to say when!) When she still lived in her own house, but couldn't drive, she hired a taxi to go pick it up for her. Where there's a will, there's a way...
Mom has been hospitalized for either falls or Benzo withdrawl/overdose 5-6 times since March 2018. She always has excessive alcohol in her system. She's been Baker-Acted at least twice, and has done four rounds of stays at a mental health facility. In June 2018 the hospital forced me to take her home while she was still drunk & beligerent, so I learned my lesson then not to show my face when she is admitted.
I've tried to let the "system" intervene but they keep releasing her and then we just do it all over again. My fear is that if I force the issue of moving into some type of facility and she is kicked out, then I am stuck with her because her house will have been sold. She can be extremely nasty, dropping the "F" bomb all over and I've had to apologize for her behavior in public several times.
This morning I drove by the cemetery where my parents purchased their plot, and I thought to myself that when they are (finally) gone, I will NEVER set foot in that cemetery. I will not be the somber visitor bringing flowers, I will only feel relief that I got my life back. Both parents have been a mess for a decade now, both abused alcohol, Benzos, and brought all of their drama to my doorstep. I want to run away :(