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Lenebob, I'm not sure how much this will help, but the accusations of stealing are VERY common in some kinds of dementia. As the world makes less and less sense the person with dementia tends to become paranoid. They misplace something and then conclude that someone has stolen it. So they start hiding things to keep them safe, and forget not only where they've hidden them but even that they hid them at all. The whole thing becomes a dreadful cycle. This paranoia phase doesn't last forever -- it eventually moves on to something else.
I know that this accusation phase is very, very hurtful. For me it was the worst stage of my husband's dementia. He wasn't deliberately "abusing" me, but, gosh it felt awful just the same.
Trying to convince your mom that she hid the items is futile. She has dementia. Her brain is broken. Reasoning with her just isn't going to work. Something along these lines is often more helpful, and at least doesn't escalate the problem: "Your casserole dish with the brown stripes is missing? I'm so sorry to hear that -- it is a great dish! I don't think I've used it for a long time, but you know my memory isn't perfect. Maybe I misplaced it. Let me have a look around and see if I can locate it."
When my husband would accuse me of stealing his money, I'd say I certainly hadn't deliberately taken money, but maybe I screwed up with the bookkeeping. Here is our bank statement -- see if you can find where the problem is. He'd look it over (sometimes upside down) until he got bored and drop the subject for a while.
Just got to learn to egnore it. Redirecting might work on some for a while but they almost always come back to it, they might even get Mader to the point of exhaustion. I have two husband and wife if you redirect one, the other is sure to remind them. Some times it is a cry for attention, it gives them something to talk to others about who might come, it might go on till they get what they want if possible, or days if they don't. Company helps sometimes for me. But one thing I think onething most caregivers have learned is that what works great for one doesn't work for you. Every case is different. Try what you can to calm them, find there lost object if you can, even set it up with a friend or relative and if there complaint is about someone, doctor, relative .or other and you know for sure it is unfounded, tell your charge you will call them and complain then call your helper and give them all there complaints and tell them not to do it anymore. That works sometimes. Caregivers are almost always on the verge of burn out so you have to do what you have to or the pent up emotions, will come out on your cared for one,your family, are even members of this forum or others. But sometimes verbal abuse just has to be let in one ear and out the other easer said then done I know. Physical abuse should never be tolerated at all and changes should be made immediately.
My moms dementia is getting worse. Every day I get her accusing me of stealing. Little things casserole dishes her iPad. She hides things. Also I'm dealing with my Dad on hospice hesca quad after a stroke. I have 4 other siblings that do nothing. So hard to have to deal with your own mom accusing you. Then shecyellsxwhen I say no mom your hiding them. When I find them she says I hid them.
What type of abuse are you dealing with? I dealt with emotional abuse with my mom. It was incredibly difficult at first. Learn about the disease, take some classes or join a support group - that was incredibly helpful for me.
A support group will be very beneficial - they will help you on how to deal with difficult behaviors. It was a life saver for me.
Personally, as much as possible, ignore these tantrums. If it gets really bad, consider either hiring a caretaker so you don't have contact or place them somewhere. You, as the caretaker, and being kind to do this, should NEVER, EVER be subjected to abuse of any kind, physical or mental, regardless of WHY they are acting out. It will eventually destroy YOU and you cannot let that happen to you.
Good answers. I find that they show frustration when they want your attention now..& your not giving it to them w a smile. I know we think they should know we can't come to every Beck & call but their brain doesn't allow them to think that way. I find giving the moment to them makes our lives much calmer. It's a whole new world for both of us. We have to step into their world. Theirs will never being able to learn but we step into our world where we constantly are learning. May God guide you.
doxiegirl is right on. Also In the later stages with good medical people medication can be tailored to help them. It's an art to medicate so they are mellow but not overly sedated. Good hospice people seem to have a handle on this but even they have to keep tweaking to find the sweet spot between non-combative and sleeping all the time. It is often a roller-coaster process but you don't want a caregiver or another person to get hurt.
There is verbal abuse too. Being criticized for every thing you do for them or being belittled and criticized for who you are or who you aren't is hard to take. Tuning it out works sometimes. Remembering this is not the fully functioning person you once knew can help. The biggest help is to limit the amount of time you are exposed to such behavior. This is why respite care is so important. Constant bombardment with abuse wares on the soul so please take time for you so you are in a good mental and physical condition.
Physical abuse is probably the one that you are speaking of? My father is in a memory care. He gets very agitated if he doesn't want to do something they want him to do. He might start to throw his arms and hands at the caregiver because sadly they just cannot speak and can't tell you what they are feeling so they act out in a physical way, much like a toddler that is throwing a fit. Always remember they are regressing so you will need to go back to the days of you child rearing. When this happens try not to force them to do anything but use a lot of redirecting. Nothing in very quick and you have to have a lot of patience. My dad does not like his diaper changed and gets very angry and he doesn't like to shower. I assume it's because of feeling vulnerable. When he was younger he was the type of person that wanted to be in control of the situation so if your parent was very strong headed, they will "morph" back into that memory they had. Just remember, redirecting is the main thing to do with Alzheimer's patients.
I'm so sorry, I know its not easy. Whether its emotional, physical or verbal abuse, I would try and see out as many resources as possible in the community. There are so many support groups that could help you understand what options are available. Depending on your situation maybe moving your parent into a nursing home that specializes in patients with dementia might be an option to consider.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I know that this accusation phase is very, very hurtful. For me it was the worst stage of my husband's dementia. He wasn't deliberately "abusing" me, but, gosh it felt awful just the same.
Trying to convince your mom that she hid the items is futile. She has dementia. Her brain is broken. Reasoning with her just isn't going to work. Something along these lines is often more helpful, and at least doesn't escalate the problem: "Your casserole dish with the brown stripes is missing? I'm so sorry to hear that -- it is a great dish! I don't think I've used it for a long time, but you know my memory isn't perfect. Maybe I misplaced it. Let me have a look around and see if I can locate it."
When my husband would accuse me of stealing his money, I'd say I certainly hadn't deliberately taken money, but maybe I screwed up with the bookkeeping. Here is our bank statement -- see if you can find where the problem is. He'd look it over (sometimes upside down) until he got bored and drop the subject for a while.
A support group will be very beneficial - they will help you on how to deal with difficult behaviors. It was a life saver for me.
There is verbal abuse too. Being criticized for every thing you do for them or being belittled and criticized for who you are or who you aren't is hard to take. Tuning it out works sometimes. Remembering this is not the fully functioning person you once knew can help. The biggest help is to limit the amount of time you are exposed to such behavior. This is why respite care is so important. Constant bombardment with abuse wares on the soul so please take time for you so you are in a good mental and physical condition.
I'm so sorry, I know its not easy. Whether its emotional, physical or verbal abuse, I would try and see out as many resources as possible in the community. There are so many support groups that could help you understand what options are available. Depending on your situation maybe moving your parent into a nursing home that specializes in patients with dementia might be an option to consider.