Mom lives with me, she's fine physically, some dementia, but very capable. It was financial, she could not afford to pay live on her own any more. She wants more of my time and attention than I want to or can give. If she needed me to for tasks or care, I can handle that, it is the emotional demand I cannot handle. She wants us to let her know when we are leaving and coming home. She wants my kids to come back to her two rooms and see her, instead of just coming out to our living room and seeing them. They are busy with homes and lives of their own.
She thinks she has to help financially around the house. Focus should be on paying her bills and her needs, not ours. On my birthday, my husband was taking all of us out to eat...she had the waiter bring her the bill. She cannot afford it...I was livid.
Does anyone else have these same kind of issues?
I'm sorry, she is still my mother and as a daughter, we do tend to expect more from our mothers than other people in life or we were not close to begin with. My mother and I have ALWAYS been very close, just like my daughter and I - who by the way tells me when I get on her nerves and we just go on.
Well, if nothing else, we have been brought together for some reason. Keep me posted and I will you. :)
You are very welcome!
Gosh the more I read your e-mails the more I feel we have in commin. I also have a brother who has alcohol and drug problems. That I know has tore my mother up for years over him. Neither her or my Dad were ever drinkers. The most I ever saw them drink was at my wedding and that may have been 2-3 glasses of wine.
He is such a peace of work and when I think of the h-ll he has put her through over the years, I get so angry to think of the pain in the family he has caused and he'll just sit back like he is clueless and act like what I have I done? He also smokes like freight train. But you can't say a thing against him to my Mom and I understand the unconditional love a Mother has for her child. I am not tryng to take a thing from her on that issue, but when she wants to bring him into my home, then I do have a problem with that!! We've had many discussions on this. Even on a short stay. He lives in another state, and this is what I have told her! He can come to see her but he must stay at a motel and he can visit with her and take her out dinner and then go back to a motel!
But when he does come, she sets him up right here against my better wishes!! I feel like at that point she is disrespecting me and my home and that creates even more tension between us!!
So that is why, among what I am already dealing with, I am at this point seeking some help for assisted living for her.
I like you know I can't change her at this point in her life. Alls I was asking for in return from her, for all the years I gave back to her in caring for her (18yrs) was to respect me and my wishes. I know she has always been there for me through my younger years and the support she gave when I needed it, and I appreciated her being there for me and I still do to today when I think back on it. But the key thing is and was, I showed her back the repect I felt she deserved as a Mom for being there for me.
And now I feel that is not asking to much from me to her to just respect MY wishes now and stop hovering, stop trying to be so controlling and to stop bringing things onto me that I don't to happen in my life, like my brother staying here, instead of in a motel.
So that is why I am at this point.
It is just really nice when she goes and does her things and I can go and do mine. It's just getting her back into the groove of going and doing when she returns from my brothers house.
Yes, there are many sacrifices and I would not have it any other way. She always sacrificed so much for me. She did say the other day that now she knew how her mother felt after she moved in with mom and dad. :)
Your e-mail to sbil was nothing but a sarcastic lecture, that I was even taken back by it when I read it!!!
Apparently you have never been a caretaker of an elderly parent and if so well then alls I can say is I am glad it wasn't me you were taking care of with that uncompationate razor sharp attitude. People don't come here for that! We come here to support on another, not tear down one another!!!
So on that note Ms Insensative I think you should do one of two things, either get off this site or appologize to sbil for this horable act of such unkindness.
I will not validate your analyzation of me with any further discussion due to your lack of knowledge of my personal circumstances or family dynamics. I know that I am relationship challenged and should truly listen to you considering I have been married a total of one time for 30 years to the same man (who totally supports my mother living with us) and my children and grandchildren live so close and come to visit so often. As for my happienss, I have not been any happier in my life than I am at this very moment.
You say the feedback here is not helping you. What do you want to hear? To me, that comment means you already have an idea of what you want to do and are looking for someone here to confirm it for you. Is that correct?
I understand what you mean when you say that. You want someone to HEAR your frustration, really LISTEN to you, and then give you the RIGHT ANSWER.
"Feelings that cause frustration or guilt are not of our own doing"--yes, they are.
YOU decide to feel guilty or frustrated, just as not taking action to change your situation with your Mother is your doing, as well. You may love her, but you have much resentment of her. It comes through in your words. You are creating more guilt and frustration for YOURSELF in the FUTURE by treating her the way you are. After she is gone, you will remember the snippy comments you made to her, and wonder how she might have felt when you "ignored her knocks on your door".
Do something to make yourself happy and provide her with a better place to live so you can have enjoyable visits a couple of times a week, instead of resenting her and stressing yourself perhaps to some illness in the future.
Does this feedback help you at all? Most people who reply are thinking of their own situation, and that triggers their own frustration, which leads to them to NOT giving you the feedback YOU want. I have already done it, so I have no further frustration and am happy with my decision. I hope you will do the same.
Looking back, though, I could have been more assertive about going out and doing my own activities, in a kind way. So that's what I'm working on now, carving out some time for myself and making new friends. I want to make friends with others who are doing the caregiving thing like I am, so we'll have that in common.
I have finally given up on worrying about her finances. She overdrafts about $250 every month, pays $50 for mini-storage for her junk she has not seen for two years. Tried to help, then found my brother tried when she was living on her own. He even footed her bills for one month and she was angered and could not live on a budget, it is not worth it. It still drives me nuts when she tries to pay for everything, buying groceries - many times the wrong things so they just sit around or rot; or when we take her with us to eat out and we know she cannot afford it but still tries to pay, I just get tired of the lengthy debate about her not paying every time...I hate inviting her now.
I go out to take my horse to the vet....she asks which horse...we have 9 and the names are nothing she remembers...the one I was taking is named for one of my granddaughters (we have one named for each of our two girls)....OMG....I finally told her it does not matter which one...I'm just taking one to the vet and left. REALLY....did she need to know which one? She has no clue as to which one is which.
She keeps talking about looking for somewhere else to live, I tell her I will go and pack her things and head off to do so...she backs down. She was telling my brother the same thing in Texas, he started telling everyone that she was moving and she kept arguing that she was just thinking about it...he said it got her to stop talking about it. Thus, it is all attention seeking and we just aren't playing along. I know now why my parents argued all the time. My dad was just dealing with her all the time, I also know why they had separate checking accounts as well.
The feedback everyone leaves does not provide an answer, even the answers are not answers for her, but I DO appreciate and I know others do as well, that we are not in this alone and the feelings that cause frustration or guilt are not of our own doing.
Obviously I love her or she would not be living with me, I have just learned to ignore her annoying behaviors and respond when it is a sensible concern or request she is making. How annoying when she knocks on our bedroom door to make sure everyone is home....OMG...that's another story! :)
She also cannot afford to live on her own, is also however in very good health for her age. She can do for herself and does.
She like your Mom hovers over me to much and has for along time and I have come to resent it. It's gone on way to long and it is time now for it to stop!! I have had the care for her since I was 48 and I am now 65. I have gotten past my husbands death and now I would like to know how it would feel to have a life of my own?
She like your Mom watches every move I make who I talk to, and what we talk about. If I don't answer her or tell her geeezzzzzzzz! Mom can I be entiled to some privacy here!! Then she'll rant and rave and carry on about all she has done for me and been through all the thick and thin with me. Then for me to speak back to her in that tone of voice and on and on!! Ya know the putting of guilt back to me.
Now keep in mind I pay all the bills here, I don't ask anything from her financialy, because I know she "is" on a very limited income so her money goes for essentials and things "she" needs. Plus this is my home. She lives with me I don't live with her!
I did finally meet a very nice guy, whom now and then we go out to dinner or a movie together. I consider him to be just a good friend to hang out with, laugh with and share Grandchildren stories with.
But she is resentful as all get out over this and we only get together a couple of times a month, because we both are still working!!
I just say some days WOW!! How much more can I take?? This is just one of many of my stories.
But I do wish you well with your journey as a caretaker also with your Mom!
She can't afford much, but must pull her own weight around the house. After all, she stopped being your guest after 3 days. Although there's some dementia that has to be taken into consideration, it shouldn't be used as a crutch by her or as an excuse by others to justify her a behavior that's quite common. My mother wasn't diagnosed with dementia, but behaved the same way and wasn't just needy. She was overly dramatic. In retrospect, I questioned my own sanity for allowing something like this to go on for three years. But there comes a point when enough is enough; and when you don't honk your own horn people won't know you're coming.
Good luck my friend.
-- ED
My middle brother and myself were adopted at birth, (she wanted a daughter and could have no more children) he became an alcoholic..knew the tendency was there. My daughter became pregnant her Sr. year and was abused by the father of the baby...now doing great, but she endured that. My niece is truly testing her now - poor mother figure, but since they live in Dallas, it is not as bad.
She wants to be needed...hearing other posts...I am really being humbled and appreciating her more and more.
Secret, I totally agree. Everything wrong with my relationship with mom makes me want all other relationships to be right. I consider it my duty to eradicate that ugliness. The love and joy taught to me by my sweet father is what I want to share. Thanks to the good Lord, I had one good parent.
frustrated2010, know what you mean about the dr. appts. Mom always acted like it was a social event. Never mattered to her that I had to take time off from work, make up my time, etc. She knew better but being selfish, she thought I owed her. I asked her one time if she could come be with me (we lived 200mi apart) when my 14 yr old daughter had emergency surgery, it was touch and go, and her reply was . . . drum roll, please . . . "it's just not convenient for me at this time". She didn't tell my dad or believe me, they'd have been at my house within hours.
This topic has so many different perspectives. It is a blessing for all of us to come here and share.
Just made cookies with my nine year old son for some new neighbors who just moved in. We were wonderful friends with the lady before, who brought a plate of cookies to us 10 years ago when we first moved in. She has since gone home to be with the Lord, but left behind a loving legacy, which we plan to continue. Wish my own mother knew something about that. She is missing out on more than one blessing, and she doesn't even know. Still, I can teach my son to be a blessing to others, including my mother, whether they "deserve" it or not. Isn't that what the Good Samaritan would do?
I know about feeling frustrated, alone, and even hurt and angry. But, I choose to be a blessing to others, forgetting about those things. Yes, they use and sometimes abuse us, but I have made a choice to serve, anyway. Call it "random acts of kindness," or whatever you want, I want to live with no regrets. Sadness, but no despair. I want to be an encouragement to others (even those who don't appreciate it), for that's not my motivation. Guess that's the heart of caregiving.
SecretSister, some others on this site and I have moms who have gone way beyond wanting to know our comings and goings. They've reached in and tried to take our soul. They thrive on hurting and demeaning us, their own children, and in my case the grandkids too. It's sad and ugly but it does happen.