How do I deal with my selfish elderly parents?

I know what you mean when you say the "all about me" and the drama that goes with it. I have a sister in law that absolutely refuses to help care for her mother but still MIL talks about her like she is the greatest daughter that ever lived. She never talks about my hubby when he was a kid and the accomplishments that he has had over his life, and here we are taking care of her, giving up our lives. I'm sick of hearing about her daughter, if she cared she would be here helping that is why my screen name is where were they..when.
I'm sick of waiting hand and foot on someone that doesn't seem to care about my feelings. OOOH now it's all about me, but it hasn't been about me for at least 5 years and I'm just feeling DONE.

My Mom now lives with us. My husband and I retired after 25 years in the military and our kids are grown (they also now have moved here to be closer to us, not for us but for them really), and we moved where my Mom is to make sure she is cared for, but she is healthy and capable. I suggested that when she gets old she can live with us while we were remodeling our house and she took that and ran with it, turning it into her immediately moving in with us and taking over our house that we hadn't even gotten to live in yet. She is healthy and able to live on her own financially, she lives with us so HER life is easier. She does nothing to help out either with bills or cleaning of any kind and her whole attitude is that somehow she is more entitled to my life then I am now. She literally treats my Husband and I as servants and to make matters worse we now live in the basement of our own home because she insisted on having the master to herself! I regret moving closer to her in our retirement now and that is sad. She was never a good Mom to me as a kid but I really thought all of that was behind us and we could have some good years together now...not gonna happen and I resent the hell out of her more with each passing day. She is not only a real jerk in the way she treats us but she is a huge hypocrite with no reverse gear, and to make matters worse she talks crap about us behind our backs to the rest of the family. She insisted on moving in right away and not waiting until she was older and that should have been a red flag to me, but at the time I thought she is my Mom and if you can't trust your Mom who can you trust right? Well, turns out you can't trust anyone and Mom is a self-centered, shrewish user that it is becoming apparent doesn't even care about me as her kid, I am now just a sucker meal ticket ultimately and that is the saddest part of it all.

Wow, just thinking about all of you -- sending my compassion and my admiration.

My mother just died this summer, leaving behind my father who has Alzheimer's. Now, he is very, very dependent on me. Insisting that I fly 3,000 miles to take him to doctors' appointments when I cannot afford to do so. I have one child in college and another in high school and my husband often travels for his work.

My father has stated that he wants to move in with me, but his rages are entirely too much. He harbors various paranoias about people stealing from him. Though he certainly has means, no one has been misappropriating any funds. But he'll call me on the phone, raging over the $30,000 my mother's funeral cost. "No, Dad, her funeral did not cost $30,000; it cost $10,000." "You're lying to me!" "Dad, I'm telling you the truth! I watched you write the check to the funeral home myself!" Just too much anger and distress and craziness.

My father's grandfather had Alzheimer's and my father always feared that he would end up this way. Just very, very sad for all of us. I pray to God that I never burden my own children in this way. Without abundant resources, the burden on the family is completely unsustainable. It truly becomes impossible to care for children and seniors with dementia at the same time. And I'm not really sure that society can afford to bear this burden through Medicare either. Those who bridge the gap are saintly grown children who are willing to sacrifice their own lives in service of those elderly who are only too willing to take, take, take. Is this really God's plan??? If the answer is yes, I just feel truly distraught.

Caregiver1963, I have to agree with cattails, not just because I think she's awesome either ;-). A little "tough-love" is very necessary here, otherwise you're mother may be attending your funeral next. It's not going to be easy and she's very likely to get worse before she finally starts to understand how it is. You NEED to stand up to her and let her know she can't push you around anymore, because she's only going to end up pushing you away in the end. If you don't, she'll only push you into the ground and that's not fair to you and especially not fair to your children.

Caregiver1963, you cannot control your mother. You can not reform her. You cannot fix her. She is who she is (and it sounds like that is a pretty unpleasant person to be around).

You can, however, control your own actions. And that turns out to be a pretty powerful ability, if you do it with some thought.

You can say, "I am available to take you to appointments between x and y. If you need appointments outside of that window, please make other arrangements." AND STICK TO IT!

You can say, "I am not available for telephone calls between x and y. If you have an emergency, please use your lifeline button." And you can check caller ID and DO NOT ANSWER HER CALLS BETWEEEN THOSE HOURS.

You can leave her alone for a while at a family event. You've already heard all her bowel and pill stories -- let her find a new audience.

You can realize that if she freaks out at your reasonable behavior, if she goes ballistic, if she gets sarcastic, if she is unhappy ... the world as we know it will not end. Her unhappiness is her problem, not yours. (Repeat the "Not My Problem" mantra as needed.) She gets unhappy when you will not take unpaid time off for her benefit? You are in control. You make your decisions. You cannot control her reaction. She doesn't like it? Tough cookies!

You can let her handle her domestic help as she sees fit ... and to suffer the consequences of a very high turnover rate. You can realize that this is Not Your Problem.

Yes, your life is VERY stressful! And as far as I can see, there is only one person who can change that. You! Your autistic child cannot reduce your stress level. Your boss and your banker are unlikely to reduce it. You mother most certainly is not going to care two figs (or even one fig) about your stress level. So if you want less stress, let go of all the MANY things that are Not Your Problem but that you are so fussed over. Set boundaries with your negative mother and ENFORCE them.

What I'm suggesting is a huge change for you, and changes are often very hard. Perhaps some of the time you are going to no longer devoting to your mother's unreasonable demands you could get some counseling to support you in taking charge of your life.

PS ... give your sister's advice serious consideration.

Caregiver1963: It doesn't matter when your mom wants her doc appointments. If you are going to take her then it needs to be at a time when you are available. Otherwise, a caregiver can take her at a time that best suits her.

I know it is hard for you to make changes, but it is the only way anything will get better for you. You have to say no, suggest alternatives and stick by your guns. Your mom's thinking is so screwed up. You are her daughter who has an autistic child and another child with ADHD and you are their soul support. But she thinks that it looks bad if you and not taking care of her. What looks and is bad is that your mom can make other arrangements and give you space to tend your children and keep your sanity, but no that doesn't work for her. Well, that is sick thinking. Please don't buy into it. You know better. No one but you can act on what you know is right. Your choice. Sending you hugs, Cattails

oh Cattails I forgot to mention, I work evenings so it leaves me mornings for appts, even though it does not go over well because it is not a "good time for her", which is another problem, she expects me to make appointments when it is good for her with no consideration to anyone else

Cattails I know you are right, but in the beginning it was enjoyable, however over time her nasty side came out which everyone seems to indicate they encounter after a while...I was fine until she started yelling, swearing, banging her fist and throwing down items....I have to take care of myself or I wont be here, and yes I do feel she could go with a volunteer driver however she is of the mindset everyone must see her family take care of her or what would they think of our family....I have mentioned it to her family doctor who really has no concern since he is not involved in the situation...I just pray I do not turn into her as I get older with my kids....I have been conditioned during my life to put others first so now I have to train myself into another mode of thinking and that can be a difficult thing to do....

Caregiver 1963: You have two choices; Let your selfish mom run you into the ground OR Start saying NO. You have an obligation to care for your children and your self first.

Since your mother is financially set, she can afford to have people do her yard, housework and laundry. If she runs them off, then her yard, housework and laundry will not get done. That's her choice and she can live with it.l

If you want to do her grocery shopping, then you do it once a week when you do your own shopping. She can make a list and give it to you over the phone. One trip per week, that's it. If she wants more than that, then she should hire an agency care giver who will run her errands and do her shopping mid week or as often as she likes. She can pay them for their time.

How is it that you can take her to all her doc appointments without losing time from work? Since she is mentally sharp and there's not much wrong with her at this stage, is it necessary that you be there? Again, a caregiver can take her.

I think you have to tell her that your doctor says that you have your own health issues and you need to put them at the top of your priority list along with your children. Of course, she will not like this because she does not seem to care about you or your well being. Again, that is her problem, not yours. If she says her condition is worse than yours, tell her that your children do not have another mother to care for them, so you have to take care of yourself. Don't debate it with her. Give an honest simple answer and be prepared to stand by it. End of discussion.

I know all of this is easier said that done, but what other choice do you have. None. Set a time on the weekend to come and see her. Stick with that schedule. No more than a 2 hour visit on the weekend. You and your kids have a life and a house to clean and laundry to do and homework that needs to be addressed. Your children need you to see them and participate in their lives.

I'm not saying you can't go over a cook a meal once a month and have a family dinner with her. Maybe you can even get your sister to join all of you if boundaries are firm, but you have to decide what works for your life and stick by it.

In the process, agree with your mom that if she falls and can't get to a phone, then it is likely she will be on the floor for some time without assistance. It would, therefore, be in her best interest to use the life alert system. Again, her choice.

You can throw however much kindness into this as you feel from time to time, but you must make a choice about your life also. Just like your mother, it's your choice. If you can't be an advocate for yourself, then you are doomed because no one else is going to do it for you.

Stop worrying about being a burden to you children and start being part of their lives. I am hoping that you do not have a serious illness, but I can't control that and neither can you. This should be a wake up call to you to enjoy the health you do have and that you must find ways to keep it. That again is your choice.

I know this sound harsh and blunt, but I don't know what else to offer you. If you want change, you have to make it happen. Your mom will be unhappy and angry, but that is nothing new. She can afford to get the help she needs. You have to provide for your children. Maybe you should also consider counseling.

Sending you encouragement and best wishes. Please let us know how things proceed. I hope you can learn to reclaim your life. Hugs, Cattails

I take my mother who is 84 to all her doctors appts, I get her groceries, take out her garbage and my 15-year-old daughter helps her with laundry and housework when she can. I also do her bank deposit runs and whatever mail delivery she has because everything is deemed an urgent emergency. She is of sound mind, and beyond eye sight issues and arthritis, she is fine however her mental wellbeing comes into play...she goes to the doctor and complains because he doesn't do a pelvic exam or have her unbutton her blouse to take her blood pressure...she is a chronic complainer and is constantly watching neighbours, reporting what they are doing, when they are doing it, and what is wrong with what they do....financially she is set for life with no debts or mortgage and lives in her own home, however, she freaks if a loaf of bread is over 2.00...her groceries are never right....too small, wrong colour label, and god help us if the store is out of an item.....I recently ended up feeling really sick finding out I may have cancer so I had to move her regular checkup over 2 weeks while I attend a scan needed to see how sick I really am...the doctor tells me my issue results from too much stress and not taking care of myself....well that went over well and met with sarcasm , as well as her letting me know her condition is worse than mine is...my mother has shown no concern about if I am going to be okay, her only response was to ask who will do her garbage now and until I drop I am expected to continue on regardless of how really sick I am these days..I took her to a family funeral a while back and she freaked at me for leaving her alone for a moment in the crowd while I stopped to speak with someone I had not seen in years, because the funeral home attendant had to show her where the bathroom was....the only time she was okay was when a group of relatives went over and surrounded her to make a fuss and tell her how wonderful she looks....if that doesn't happen, well everyone is horrible and has issues and the event was not carried out well enough....every conversation is centered around the pills she takes, her bowel movements and any other subject outside of those 2 topics is not allowed...I make a low wage and need every dollar I can get, and she is not happy if I cannot afford to take time off work without pay, even though my boss would fire me for doing so, so I can take her on bank runs or appointments...I have noticed when she has gone with me and I mentioned to her how well she navigates with her walker that suddenly she is too weak to go...the walker was a fight because she expects my daughter or son to take her by one arm while she hangs onto mine and we basically carry her in so others can see how elderly and disabled she is....I have carpal tunnel and lack strength so catching her if she falls is a risk...she watches me wince in pain if I try to help her and she tells me to toughen up....she could manage a medical driver if it became absolutely necessary but she refuses....I do not mind helping her, I love her and she is my mother, however, she flips out if she rings my phone and I am not there to answer it because I am at work...I got her lifeline and she refuses to use it, she feels I should be on call 24/7 to drop everything and run as soon as she calls, and even then there are the guilt trips that if she fell or died nobody would find her for days because I am not available enough...phoning her 3-4 times a day to ensure she is okay and so she doesn't get lonely isn't enough and if she doesn't answer it's because she is outside in her backyard, but yet she claims she cannot navigate.....on top of it alI I am also a full time caregiver to an autisic son, an adhd daughter and I work 40 hours a week....I can barely make it through an 8 hour day at work currently, and she expects me to consume my whole weekend with her....all of the people hired to do yard work have walked off and not gone back...she is weak but not too weak to go out and yell at them for doing it wrong, and she has gone through countless people who are hired to do her housework...she wants them on their hands and knees to wash her barely used floor with 2 layers of cleaner and 2 layers of rinse and it has to take 3 hours or it is not done properly....my sister walked away and will not speak to her now with a warning I watch out because the stress of dealing with her would end up making me really ill like it did her....she has announced since she pays people to do yard work and chores she can not do, she has the right to tell them how to do it because she wants it done a certain way but no matter how they do something it always falls short....then there is the poor neighbour whom is "doing drugs"...he ended up putting up a high wood fence and dark shades on his windows when he realized she was watching his yard and looking in his windows....my mother is a nightmare to deal with and the only word to describe her is selfish.....I talk to her brother-in-law often because he knows what she is like and understands...she refused to attend her 11 sibling's funerals and when her last sibling died she deemed it "ridiculous" when her husband of 60 years had a tribute to his wife he loved done and a funeral....my father was the opposite but died way too young and everyone adored him....anyhow, I had to unload because at this point I am thinking a retirement residence is in order, however, unless she agrees we can't force her there....I am a single mother who has no social life or friends and if something happens I do end up really sick short of my teenagers, including the one with autism, I have nobody, so I worry about what a burden I will become for them .

And i forgot to mention the insight "Cattails" offered me- your words too encouraged me to get help...many, many, many thanks for taking the time to help me see I do not need to see the world in such black and white terms.

To Jeanne and Nancy- thank you both so very much for your responses to my post. Timely and thoughtful and so much appreciated.
I can not figure out how to send a private message so I am posting here.
You words of encouragement made me take a second look at what is going on and I am in the process of getting myself help.
Very often the isolation of these situations is dangerous and I have to thank you both again for taking the time to write.
I will figure out how to use this site as I want to know more about other folks challenges so as not to assume I am so alone.
Wayne

Wayne: I'm with Jeanne 100%. Honey, you need to save your life, not end it. It's not unfortunate that you are a gay man. Doesn't mean that you can't have a life partner and find happiness and someone to share it with. Please do not say that your life is a throw away life. It's not. Your sibs have every bit as much responsibility toward their parents as you do. Sexuality has nothing to do with it.
Their personal fulfillment is not more important that yours.

Look, you are a good, compassionate, talented man. You have dug a big hole for yourself and now it is time to start climbing out of that hole. Please call your local Area on Aging and your local Department of Social Services. Find out what resources are available for your folks. You do this, you are a smart, creative, patient man. Get to it.

It's better to meet with people face to face whenever possible. Please start taking some steps to get your parents placed or get them the in-home care that they need.

Start looking for jobs and get back into the world. Life is out there and it is waiting for you to believe in it.

This will be a journey for you to reclaim your life and live it for all it's worth. Don't give in to despair. Please stay in touch. Sending you lots of love and hugs and wishing for your happiness. Cattails

Wayne, I didn't hear you say you were sorry you ever took care of your brother. Or you were sorry for helping your dad. So if you're not sorry that you stepped up to the plate, then you did the right thing. Was it hard? Oh my gosh, of course it was hard, stuff that's worth it usually is right? If your brother died alone with no one to take care of him and your career soared, would you be happy now? Doubtful. You'd probably be riddled with guilt I figure. Reach out to an agency or someone that will help you so you can get yourself out of this funk. You're probably tired and burned out, and in need of help. But please don't get yourself all depressed and suicidal for doing the right thing. You will never look back and say 'I could've helped, but didn't'. Leave that to those who COULD'VE helped, but DIDN'T.

The original post was 2008, I wonder whatever happened to Jett and her situation?

Wayne2848, are you saying that people who don't have a life should sacrifice their non-life to the service of family members?

WHAT?!

In the first place, what on earth do you mean that you don't have a life? You don't have a wife and 2.3 kids and a cocker spaniel so your life doesn't count? Who told you that? That is just crazy.

Twelve years ago you agreed to totally and completely give up your life and business and savings and identity. WHAT?!!

Wow! Where did you get these ideas that your are not a valuable unique individual with a right to a life of your own?

Well, never mind where you got them, because they are WRONG.

I don't know who these people are who expect that you should sacrifice everything for your parents, but believe me, it is NOT "everyone." What kind of parents expect this kind of sacrifice?

Here is the good news, though. You don't need to end it ... you just need to change it. And that will be a LOT OF WORK. Working to change things will be your life, at least for a while. Are you in counselling now? I can't imagine taking on the hard work of turning your life around without help and support.

You may have another 30 or 40 or even 50 more years to discover/build/celebrate your own life. You matter. You count. Your life is important.

Please, please post again and tell us that you are going to start down the hard but rewarding path of reclaiming your life.

Reading your post could not have come at a better time...
My story in a nutshell:
I left my business (was an Architect) and moved back home when my drug addicted brother got cancer and instead of him surviving the 3 to 6 moths the Doctors said, he lived almost 2 years.
I took care of him and made sure he was in want on nothing which kept me from working the whole time and essentially brought my life's savings to ZERO.
Well, after my brother passed my Dad asked I move in with them (my Mom had a stroke in 2000 and is totally unable to take care of herself- paralyzed and in diapers). Although I had spent most every weekend taking care of my Mom to give Dad a break, I was familiar with what he was asking- to totally and completely give up my life and business and savings and identity...
So I did it.
And now I am in a torrent of depression and bankruptcy and close to wanting to end my own life...is this what one owes ones family? Really?
Unfortunately I am a gay man, 49 years old, and everyone expects that since I do not have "a life" or a family of my own I should sacrifice everything for my parents.
Is this what it comes down to?
I am shocked how life has unfolded due my inability to say "no" to my family.
I am ready to end it-

Reading your post could not have come at a better time...
My story in a nutshell:
I left my business (was an Architect) and moved back home when my drug addicted brother got cancer and instead of him surviving the 3 to 6 moths the Doctors said, he lived almost 2 years.
I took care of him and made sure he was in want on nothing which kept me from working the whole time and essentially brought my life's savings to ZERO.
Well, after my brother passed my Dad asked I move in with them (my Mom had a stroke in 2000 and is totally unable to take care of herself- paralyzed and in diapers). Although I had spent most every weekend taking care of my Mom to give Dad a break, I was familiar with what he was asking- to totally and completely give up my life and business and savings and identity...
So I did it.
And now I am in a torrent of depression and bankruptcy and close to wanting to end my own life...is this what one owes ones family? Really?
Unfortunately I am a gay man, 49 years old, and everyone expects that since I do not have "a life" or a family of my own I should sacrifice everything for my parents.
Is this what it comes down to?
I am shocked how life has unfolded due my inability to say "no" to my family.
I am ready to end it-

I noticed that this post from Jett was in 2008 oringinally. I wonder what ever happened?

Tulsa: Don't feel guilty. You have both oars in the water and it's very natural to be offended by another who just wants to suck you dry. Yes, your children are right that many of the traits a person has held life long intensify as their world becomes smaller. They have to control your life in order to feel alive.

If your mom has dementia, then we can give her some slack as it is a real disease and she can't control that as much as she or we would like her too.

Nevertheless, you might be better off spending less time in a setting with her. A pedicure on one day, the oral surgeon on another. Of course you might feel it best to do the marathon and be done with it for the week. Not sure what your daily schedule with your mom is or what you want it to be.

I'm sure you will do the right thing for your mom, but in order to have some peace, you need distance too and time for your family.

In 2009, we visited my cousin in Wales. During one day, her husband received 33 phone calls from his mother. She threatened him that she would call social services if he did not call her back. She had and continues to have dementia. She was 92 when we were there. You can't reach her because her illness prevents it. She was well advised that he would not be available during our visit. She had in home care and meals, but it didn't matter.

Its sad what so many of us have to endure with our parents. You are doing your best so be kind to yourself and appreciate that you are only human and your mom is not in her right mind.

I posted on your wall. Sending love and white light your way. Hugs, Cattails.

I am typing because I spent four hours with my mom today and it was one of the worst days I have had with her. She has always been self-centered, neurotic, drama queen. My abusive father is now a saint. Today she told me that he was never impatient with her. He was the poster child of anger and impatience/ verbal abuse. I spent my childhood as her counselor. I took her to lunch, manicure/pedicure, and to the oral surgeon. I did not think I could get her out of the car fast enough. It is a long story but it boils down to... I asked her to keep the calendar that I gave her on the table so she would not have to call me so much to remind her of appts. etc. She refused to do it because " It looks so depressing on the table." I was so upset when I dropped her off but I could not cry. I have felt guilty ever since. My husband, who is the most patient man I have ever met, had to hang up on her yesterday because she called him three times at work. My children have a theory that you become more of what you were when you get old. Pray that I can do the right thing by my mother but have some peace. It is good to know I am not alone with this struggle.

One thing is many older folks are on much medication for health problems and it does change them into the worst ways sometimes or produces all kinds of problems which many have already touched on here...or the other side of the coin to consider is ......
THE world of NPD, A VERY REAL SITUATION people can find themselves in. Know that you are not alone, that this "sorry you will never please me" malady is real and can be futile to fix or fight! Study up on it to release yourself from that guilt demon. Some guilt is understandable and healthy but the false guilt you have been programed with as control mechanisms is just part of narcissistic personality disorder your parent could have, with in your case plenty of invalidation as a side. Bad side order, send that one back too! Tough love is what you will be forced into here for self survival of your marriage and children. Do what you need to to cover your loved ones, there is a time to reap what has been sown, even for a beloved cantankerous parent.

I have learned or taught myself to feel sorry for those that beat me down and boss me around. As long as someone in my life is trying to knock my halo off, I know that I am an angel. Thank you for reminding me and thank you God for allowing me to be the angel and allowing them to be not me. I'm glad that I am not the one knocking others around and pushing them down. We are all here to support each other and our fellow angels. If you need us, we are here for you and thank you, for being there for us. Sometimes it may seem lonely when we are out there doing our heavenly duties but just close your eyes and remember that we are never more than a thought away. As you think of me, I will be thinking of you and we shall once again, be reminded that we are all one. Let us have pity on those of us that do not see it. For they have fallen asleep at this wheel that we can life. May God bless, for they know not what they do. Ignorance may be bliss, knowledge may be powerful but there is freedom only in Truth.

Lorene, you don't sound terrible. You sound tired. God bless you. Praying for you. What a hero! Can you get some help?

I know how you all feel. I too am taking care of my mother 83 and my stepfather 85. He has a bout with dementia and is always talking about semi's. I get so sick of hearing those stories. My mom sits and hollers at him because he can't hear. He hates when we mention hearing aides. He always says I clean out my own ears and I hear just fine. They are living in mine and my husbands house, but I'm treading on their territory. I know get their pills 4times a day and fix their meals. That is the only time I come out of my room. Today my mom said it wasn't fair, for me and my husband to spend time together in my room. That's how she wanted it. I have cried so many times, simply because they don't listen. I've tried to get my father-in-law to set down when he uses the bathroom, but he refuses. My mom isn't supposed to bend in a 90degree angle, because she broke her hip. If I don't clean it up at night, she does. I'm fit to be tied. My husband supports me in anything I do. He can just walk away like it was nothing. I can't. Believe me I understand what everyone is going through and I hope I don't sound terrible. Thanks for listening. LoriIGUP

Okay, try #2
Anne, I think you hit on a really key point. We are raised with the "honor your mother and father" and we think or believe that it means taking the abuse that is purposely dished out (not by those who can't help it).

I have come to live with I have honored my parents by taking care of them in the assisted living. I could not do what many of you do 24/7, but the emotional drain has stolen enough from me. I have honored them by putting them in a nice facility and not thinking about what I lose financially. Their care is most important to me. I have honored them by protecting them from the nuts in their lives that cause more harm than good. Regardless of what my parent's think of me. I know that I have done everything possible, legally, financially, and emotionally for my mother and father.

We can't think of honoring our parents equating to being a doormat for them. Sometimes tough decisions are made to do what is the best for our parents. It isn't always easy when you hear family or outsiders complain about things, but know that we made choices as well. Choices that regardless of how selfish our mother or father is, we can hold our head high knowing we did what's right regardless of each of our situations.

God bless you all for your daily choices!!

It eats us up. It hurts. And it doesn't seem to bother them a bit. I wish God could just send me a post card and tell me what it is I need to learn from this so we can be done with it, but then I guess I am the one that is sounding selfish now.
Someone in another post mentioned growing up walking on egg shells...I thought that was my house. Those were the words we used.
But going back to the original 'original' thread...no, we are tired, and we don't want to do this anymore. But we need to cope because It isn't going to go away. The good die young and the selfish will watch the sun burn out. and we will be dragged behind them trying to make their lives better, because that is really why we are here, because we want to help. Or we wouldn't. We'd be eyeing their furniture.

mitizipinki, you said a lot well. I wrote a lot about the same subject, but it didn't all print for some reason. To stay on thread, though: I believe selfishiness is not a disease, but plain old sin. Personal choices. And each of us are accountable. There are none immune from selfishness. Back to thread, though, I think we're talking about our parent's selfishness, and the pain we feel because of it.

I am sure that not all realize their own selfishness, at some level. Than you have those with cognitive deficiencies, etc. Illness, stroke, etc., and various other diseases cause it. Take dementia, for instance. That parent literally cannot help themselves. They are rude, demanding, prideful, sharp, bitter, angry, whatever... But it is not always by choice. My Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's. He went through and angry and threatening stage. Now he's only angry if provoked. He doesn't realize what he's doing. He can't help himself. He gets lots of grace and forgiveness and compassion.

My Mom, on the other hand, is Queen Selfish. An only child, coddled by doting parents. ME, me first, I want, is her mantra. My sister and I both suffer. Talk about dysfunctional. And Mom and Dad fought all the time. She wouldn't take care of her husband, and she rarely even went to go visit him when he was close by in a Nursing Home. It outraged me. I lived 200 miles away and saw him more than she did. But whenever she wants something, she expects me to give it to her, because I'm Conservator and Guardian. Her pets, and her this, and her that, and I get the grief. If I don't do what she wants, she yells, "Abuse!" That is pure unadulterated evil selfishness! I hate it.

At the same time, I am required to provide for her needs. Both legally, and by God. Love our "neighbor" as ourselves, and honoring our parents. Now you can argue, "give honor unto whom it's due." But, I was commanded to love, not just the easy ones, but the hard ones, too. I have to be careful to provide for her needs, not wants. Though, sometimes compassion makes me give more. I also have to be careful, because Mom is genius at taking advantage of my compassion.

I struggle. Their financial lives are a mess. Their physical home is a mess. I don't have time to go do it for her, and she makes everything so difficult. Won't let me throw away broken TV's, etc. It's a total nightmare at times. My sister does nothing but criticize me. Talk about selfishness! My mother will not clean up the mess. Someone has to. Yet my sister wants the goodies (inheritance). She wanted to take the seats out of her car and get some furniture when Mom was hospitalized. No one will make my sister help her mother, but they will make me split the estate in half in the end. After all the work I do to help the parents who raised us. It is evil, wicked, selfish, and just plain sin! (How we try to soften it by calling it selfishness.) It separates, divides and destroys. And it hurts.

OK I vented a lot.

mpinki,
Well said and you are correct our frustrations are there in care giving. God never promised life would be easy. Wish he did but that not going to happen. We grow through our trials .I believe he is probably crying with us. Neither, did he say we would be perfectly made. I beleive some times we forget that life can give us these blows. How we handle them is up to us and our choice. God doesn't tell you you or youur parents what path to take he just guides. Which when we look at this way we can then determine what path to take whether frustration , or mad or upset or one day at a time or the servant hood of Jesus .We have those choices to have these feelings and make them what they are. Again, we make those choices. I have a child with special Needs and I tell him you make your chioce not God. He shows the road. Our parents
did not get the way they are over night they too have had pain and frustrastion
through their lives and the way they have handle I beleive materialize in time.We will be tested over many trials. With their attitudes the way they are from there choices they made. Truthfully, in their heart is the only way they can fix it.We can not fix it becuase it is their choice. So these husbands that say don't try to fuel the fire are correct. My mother is ugly to me but she makes that choice. Whether it hurts me she doesn't care she knows she does this and so she lives in the path she takes. Frustrated and mad at the world .So in prospective they are not taking it out on just us but the world around them.
I think the cause of some of this generation to act this way is the paths they took along the way and whether they left the Christian life or not was their choice .Now they try to figure it all out and it is hard to them and they are still frustrated as we are inside in time time maybe God will reach them and maybe not . Hopefully we realize that we don't want to be this way while caring for them. The important thing is we see this in our parents and it hurts truthfully all the way around. We just have to remember we don't want to be in this state when we are their age and continue on the right path now matter what with God by our side.
prayer make life allot more easier and trusting Him. He is all knowing sometime we just have to sit back and watch what he does. Even people who are not Christian have to do this take one day at time and wait. What choice they may is their choice.

Let me try this for the third time.... Let me try to stay on the path of this intended thread. As a Christian myself I think people have a stigma associated with it that come with a wrong set of expectations for how we handle things. Meaning we should have no problems. Wrong answer! The "right path" is only for God to deal with every individual.

I found out a little too late in life that my "good Christian" home was dysfunctional as all hell. Since all this happened, I have had to deal with all these different hurts on all different levels due to mom's disease of selfishness. What makes is worse is the stigma hearing the word "Christian" associated with dealing with these hurts because then the usual "Christian-ese" isn't too far behind. Yes God heals, but anyone one of us still has to get through the pain of this latest mountain of crap to climb. It's a pain in the butt and then to hear how God will heal us. Sometimes God wants to teach us as well, not necessarily heal.

For me personally, what I will say through all this pain, hurt and anger, I have watched God do some miraculous things in the past 6 months. When I can step back and breathe for a minute, I thank God for all His provisions and the lessons learned. It doesn't stop me from getting mad, frustrated, etc, but it helps me grow past all those hurts.

Jesus can heal, but that's for anyone He chooses not just those on the "right path". We, as believers, still have to do our part in forgiveness, letting go, and learning from these miserable of circumstances (whether by our doing or not).

My path looks like its a little more extended, but I can rest assure you that in order to deal with this horrible disease of selfishness, you can't get blood from a stone. Go about getting through this and try and find the forgiveness for those that do hurt us. Find something each day to enjoy. Don't let what has destroyed our parents, destroy us.

In the mean time, I enjoy the vindication that God gives me when it comes. I love the fact that my mom complains of how fat she is when she used to give me grief over my weight gain. It was priceless. When those chubby little cheeks look at me, I just thank God for His justice, not my brand of justice and then I can move on to the next level of healing.

Thanks all for your support!! Anne, I'm always around in some form! Being a realist helps the humor move forward (twisted as it may get)! LOL