My mother was alert and talking in the hospital. She had heart and kidney issues. They mention sending her to hospice house. I know her time was coming. We went there. Day one she was alert still. I stayed the night with her. We held hands and talked some. Then next day my sister and I were sitting in room with mom. They came in to give her medication. She wasn't in pain or anything. It made her sleepy. Then few hours later they came again to give her more. We asked what it was. Was told like moriphine and plus some adavan to help her relax. I dont understand this but all I know is it put her like in a coma. We had no conversations with her after this point. Why was this pushed on her? We could see if she was suffering but she wasnt. There was no suffering from her before hand. I'm trying to understand this but feel they rushed her last days with us. Anyone else feel this way with hospice? I'm feeling extremely guily for putting her in there when I thought we were doing the right thing. Mom only lasted 2 days and passed on.
I'm so sorry about your mom passing away and that this was the type of experience you had with your particular hospice company.
I agree with what "Isthisrealyreal" said - "hospices are not all created equal."
I used hospice for the first time for my dad in 2004 and they were one of the largest, not-for profit hospice companies in our state. They were wonderful.
Sixteen years later in May of this year I brought the same hospice company on board after my mom nearly died of severe dehydration and COVID after hospitalization, rehab and placing her in a new facility. Things can change in 16 years. After the facility told them my mom was somewhat aggressive, they wanted to put her on a low dose of morphine. I said "no" - I knew she wasn't in the type of situation where it was necessary. They went with my wishes and put her on a low dose medication to help her sleep. Turns out that was all she needed. She wasn't sleeping well for a long time and after going through all she'd been through at the age of 95 naturally she would be somewhat agitated and aggressive. I did have them give morphine to my dad because he had Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer and was in pain. My mom was not in pain other than some arthritis in her lower back so we decided on a higher dose of Tylenol. Since that time, I hired a different hospice company for a different reason where I felt a change was needed based on the facility's recommendation.
Sometimes I think when we are working with any type of "professionals" and I do mean "any type" whether it's a doctor, banker, lawyer etc. we think they have all knowledge, don't question them sometimes when we probably should have and feel like we are bound to them when in fact if something doesn't seem right, we need to find someone else.
Once again, I can only imagine the pain and guilt you must be feeling and I know everyone will have their own personal opinion on "hospice care" as the experiences seem to vary quite a bit from each person's situation.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers - that God will be with you during your time of grief and as you work through the guilt. Guilt is one of the stages of grief in and of itself regardless of what's causing it and is normal.
Hospices are not all created equal and I am so sorry for anyone that feels like their loved ones death was hastened by hospice.
May God give you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time. May you find peace and the answers that you seek.
Great big warm hug, losing a parent is never easy.
Giving pills to family members who did not present any pain, breathing difficulty or anxiety issues.
The next time he was put in to get his pain under control. I was told he would be there for a week or so, as they had to monitor the new pain pump. Well about 5 days into his stay, the Hospice Dr. came in one morning and told me that my husband would not be coming home again and that he was in fact dying. Well apparently my husband wasn't aware of that, and when I tried to tell what the Dr. said, he said nope, he was going home, and home I took him, where he lived another year after that in his own home. In the last 6 weeks of his dying process, he was in a lot of uncontrolled pain, and his nurses kept reminding me that I could have him brought back to their facility to die and have his pain better controlled. When I mentioned it to my husband, he always said no, that he wanted to die at home. I do know that if I would have had him brought to the Hospice facility that he would have died weeks before he actually did die, because of the strong medications that they do give their patients there. Medications that I was told all along they could only give in their facility and not in the home.
So while your mom may have had a few weeks or so before she actually did die, the fact remains that she was dying. So take comfort in the fact that she didn't have to suffer, and that she is now with God and at peace. May God grant you His peace and comfort during your grieving process.
Even if the answer is no on both counts, it does NOT mean that your mother's life was cut short. It certainly does not mean that you made the wrong decision in agreeing to her admission to the hospice.
End stage heart and kidney disease can become extremely distressing, and the drugs you mention would be appropriate in relieving symptoms. But I second Alva's recommendation that you ask the hospice people for a clear explanation of what took place and why your mother was given these medications, to set your mind at rest. And if they don't routinely ASK patients if they want their meds - they should! As long as the patient is able to communicate, of course.
Also - do you know if your mother was given these drugs in hospital? The only reason I ask is that if she was (she may well have been) it will reassure you that pain relief and freedom from anxiety don't have to mean knocking somebody out, and if she was being treated there you'll have seen that for yourself.
I am so sorry you had to go through that, it is not right and we need to speak out about it. Whole healthcare system sucks, it is just about the money and the insurance companies not wanting to pay for healthcare for the seniors!! So sad this world that we will in..that the people who gave us life lose their life because of GREED!
I am so sorry.
I have heard many people tell the same story about their family member in hospice.
It is sad.
I would ask why too.
My brother was on hospice too. He was dying. Your mom was dying. They were not going to recover.
My brother was alert too for awhile. The nurses see everything. Were you there around the clock? I wasn’t. So I relied on the professional opinions of the nurses.
The nurses can see everything that is going on at all times. Just because your mom wasn’t in any discomfort when you were there doesn’t mean that she didn’t have discomfort at other times.
I asked the nurse if I should speak to my brother while he was in a coma. She told me yes and that she believed that he could hear me. I did not feel that he needed to respond to my conversation.
I did not want my brother to be in pain at the end. I am grateful for drugs that can ease the transition into crossing over.
I do not feel as if hospice speeds up death. It is a specific type of care for the terminally ill. I have nothing but good things to say about the care my brother received from the nurses that cared for him.
You are grieving. You may have questions. I understand this. It’s hard. I wish you peace.
Your mom would want you to be at peace. Take comfort that she was relaxed and there was no discomfort during her final hours. You were with her. She knew that you loved her.
Hospice has clergy and social workers. I took advantage of this. You may want to as well.
From that perspective, I hope you take this advice to heart and consider it: Attorneys have little desire to handle a case like this, especially since you yourself apparently knew the purpose of, and I'm assuming didn't challenge, placement of your father in a hospice facility for care.
Beyond that, there would be the mandatory issue in malpractice litigation of your father's status, his potential life duration if he had lived, and the quality of that life.
An attorney won't invest in expenditures and time for a case such as this. It's sad, but they're working to earn a living too, and don't want to pursue a case such as this.
It's always distressing to read a post such as yours, and I know that words can't comfort you in your loss. But I hope that time helps heal these wounds that are now so deep.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. Most likely, her time her on earth was up and God was ready for her and that's why she passed when she did, no other reason. Try not to second guess things too much since that will only worsen your suffering & grief. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.