Please share ONLY positive experiences with long-term care facilities for your mom/dad. It is a hard decision and I read already millions and millions of bad stories, but there should also be good ones....?
In-home care is impossible in our case. It's too expensive and having dementia, mom should be watched 24/7. She was living in my house for 15 years. The last two years were a nightmare before she finally got aspiration pneumonia because of never listening that she should not eat solid food. Now either I should quit my job and completely abandon my kids or she should be in a facility. (90 years old, dementia, dysphagia problems, hypertension). All money that I have will be just for one year living without a job, then what? I will be without insurance being only a year ago a cancer patient.
She is now in rehab and even now I dont have a quiet life, because I am going there every day, checking on her. I have no idea how I can manage all that at home. Her mood is going up and down every day. One day she is alert and nice and another day she is completely out of mind, asking 60 times per minute the same questions... I visited already several NH in my area, some nice, some not. I put her on a waiting list for a good one, but I need some reassurance that nursing homes can be not so bad...Thanks and sorry for a long story. And I am practically an only child. (This is another sad story, as her son does not want to help at all.)
Can I make one suggestion though? Do you need to visit every single day? That’s stressful in itself. If Mom is being well-cared for, let the staff handle it. Give yourself a break.
I had a very good experience with a care facility for both parents. It is a private pay place, a little more staff, less turnover. Mom passed away but Dad is now in the memory care unit at the same place. This is in WV.
I think it can be a real crap shoot. As good as our place is they are still understaffed. All these places are.
But keep in mind, none are perfect, maybe not the care you would do personally, but you can’t do 24/7 memory care without killing your self.
I would try to line up a place and transfer her directly from rehab. If she comes back home it’s just that much harder to move again.
I have worked in several nursing homes over 20+ years in different towns and cities and there are many "GOOD" nursing homes. You need to remember that these are "Institutions" and that they have rules and regulations to follow that you might not agree with, but that you have to accept. And "Yes", understaffing has always been a problem in nursing homes.
I would suggest that you do NOT visit your Mom EVERY DAY in order to give your Mom time to get used to the nursing staff and the facility routine. By not visiting every day, you are also showing the NURSING STAFF THAT YOU TRUST THEM to take care of your Mom. If you ever see a "problem" or have a question, please talk to the nursing staff in a calm, respectful, professional voice with minimal emotion. The nursing staff will most likely respond to the same way. If you go into the facility, with "Guns A-blazing----looking for trouble" then you will find trouble.
Give yourself a break and visit your Mom once or twice a week. Maybe eat supper with her if you work during the day. The cost is usually $6-10/meal for yourself. I think that if you have found a nursing home that you like, then that is where your Mom needs to go. Good Luck.
I don’t have an easy answer for you but don’t quit your job and sacrifice your life for the last bit of your mom’s life. It can be very hard to do but I think we have to find that balance of caring for loved ones and caring for ourselves also.
Wishing you luck......
My grandmother was on medicaid and received good care at this facility. There were a couple of CNAs in particular she adored.
I had guardianship over a relative in 2015. She had Alzheimer's and then was bedridden due to a broken kneecap which needed to be elevated.
The NH was about 5 miles from my house, so it was very convenient. The building was older and a bit shabby looking, however, the staff there took very good care of her. The lady who bathed her and changed her bedding daily was a very kind and giving person. I visited her daily, which I think makes a difference because the staff knows a family member is watching, but I agree with what someone else said about not visiting your mom every single day.
Mom [wheelchair, diabetic, semi-blind, dementia] was in 1 place for over 5 years & I would not have moved her but for the distance from me as she is now 4 minutes away not 40 - I would recommend something close to you - I spend less in 'visitation time' now than before as I only need a short time in stead of 1/2 a day & I now go about 4 to 5 time a week not twice - I spend more time with her but lose less time in the travel - so if I now go & she is sleeping then I just leave & return later or next day - mom interacts with others & is sociable - both places I would recommend to others
Dad [wheelchair, hip replacement worn out, etc] - was 20 minutes away - his care was great - the staff found his skin cancer which was treated successfully - I would do both mom & him which was basically a whole day as I would see dad in AM, go to a pool over their lunch time for my exercise, go see mom in PM or the reverse - he did not interact with other residents but that was his choice - he was there for 15 months before he passed away
I need to add that I live in Ontario where much of nursing home is regulated like each resident gets a bath 2 times a week, how much each type of room costs, what is included - here I pay $2599.00 per month for a private room in a newer facility & that includes nursing, food, room, recreation, depends, cleaning, heat/AC & laundry ... basically everything but clothes, hair, outings & meds [gov't pays most so mom is about $200.00 a tear that is not covered] - because of the regulations there are not as many differences but the atmosphere can be different but all I visited[10+] before mom & dad went into care seemed to be run by truly caring people - one big difference was that there are some run by ethnic groups so that the food is familiar & there are those who can speak their first language as many loose their 2nd language with dementia but they are not limited to only that group so if that is an issue look around
Yes I would do it again - I'm 69 while mom is 92 [dad died last Aug. at 94] so I physically could not do it - I DID NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS & YOU SHOULDN'T EITHER - you also should not visit every day because of several things :
1 - she will be absorbed better into the community & the activities when she has that time free from you
2 - she will be used to you not being there every day so if you get sick, injured, go on vacation or are just too damned tired that day she won't sit there waiting for you
3 - you will need some time to establish your 'new normal' routine in your home
4 - plus some others but you'll find them out yourself
REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ABANDONING HER RATHER YOU ARE MAXIMIZING HER HEALTH & SAFETY FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE - you will become a better visitor & actually talk about things other than what she wants to eat, her BMs, etc so now you can take her back to when she was growing up, things she loved to do so she can relive some good memories - good luck
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