I'm lost and don't know who to turn to. Does anyone have advice for a stressed spouse?

Both our house. When I told my husband that I wanted a divorce in 2014, he said he would do anything to change...ANYTHING. Well, you know that never happens. I told him, that he could be an absolute angel now, and I still would want a divorce, because I can't forget all the stuff you did to me over the years. How you treated me. Even though in order to survive each day, I forgave him, I can never forget.

Do I really hate him? When he just sits there and doesn't say anything, I look at him and I think, what a handsome man you are, even at 83 years old. What a real "he man" you are, even at 83 years old. I look at him and see an intelligent man. Who is a firm believer in hard work, who has been loyal to me and who I feel comfortable with because I've been with him all these years. Then....he talks. The things that come out of this man's mouth would blow your mind.

Dealing with someone who has EXTREME PARANOIA, means you need to always be prepared for the shocking things that they will do or say. Him thinking doctors killed his wife, thinking I've been kidnapped by black people if I am gone too long. That if you can't read something in the newspaper it is because they want you to buy glasses because they are in connection with the eye doctors. That the doctors are trying to kill him. That Jews deserved to get what they got. Every ethnic group as a slang name, and these are just a few things.  Can you image living with someone like this day in and day out for 20 years?

And then, there is the EXTREME BI-POLAR. Depression and then the highs and the lows.

And then..THE NARCISSISM. All day long he talks about HIMSELF. Every photo he has in his bedroom/office is of HIMSELF.  (He has none of me)  He is like Gaston in the Movie Beauty and The Beast who looks in the mirror and sings about how wonderful and handsome he is. LOL.

I could move and sue him for the half the house. I told him that. Or he can just let me go without any drama, I told him. It's hard to leave because of the drama. The begging and the pleading.

I know I'm at the end of the road now where I need to either do it now or stop complaining. Munchie is a hold back for me. Not having as much money in my savings is a hold back for me. I have to be logical. I have a lot of people lives and animals lives at stake here.

I'm about up to 80% of leaving now. Preparing a plan. But because I am Co-Dependent (with lots of dysfunctions myself)  who knows whether it's all talk and no action.

Deeply thinking about everything though.

You're not materialistic or bothered about money for its own sake, I get that. But your husband essentially destroyed your sense of security, and that's a different thing.

You want the house. You want the animals to live out their lives well cared-for. You want not to be bound to a person you no longer feel any warmth towards (it's the being bound to someone you don't want to be with, I suspect, rather than the man himself that you hate).

So... whose house actually is it, anyway?

Well his visit to the Cardiovascular Surgeon yesterday gave him a good bill of health. And I really truly feel glad for my husband. His December appointment is in regards to his Prostate Cancer and every report I've read says that men very rarely die of Prostate Cancer, even with Stage IV M1a.

And all report say that a person can live with an Ejection Fraction of even 20% for a very long time.

So...a big SO.....I need to do something.

Now I realize that God must feel that I can't move yet. There is something that needs to be done first. Perhaps save more money? Become more compassionate and understanding? He knows the future and not Me.

However, the thought of renting an apartment for two years or three at the most, (I absolutely will not have any more money left after 2 1/2 years, so I would desperately need to qualify for assistance somewhere at that point or else I'm going to be a little old lady sleeping in her van) sounds more appealing to me everyday now. 

I also have been viewing a lot of YouTube videos about people, like myself (senior citizens with very small social security payments of $1,000 or less)  who live in their cars or vans.

I've looked at these RV Vans and they are quite nice. However, I would become a "Nomad", which is okay. And there are a lot of FREE CAMPSITES, but I would need to move to a warmer climate of course. Just a thought if things got worse and I had no where to live, I believe I could do that. 

But the apartment in the city that I'd like to move to, about an hour away from where I live now, I think would be perfect. And I think I would be able to get into the senior apartments  within a couple of years. (Especially since they would know I would be running out of funds by that time.  They'd probably make an effort to move me at the top of the list). Plus, if I rent the apartment at normal rent of $456.00 a month now, there would be no waiting time.  I could go right now. 

Nine years ago, my husband and I were quite well off financially. We owned lots of property. In 2006 when the housing market crashed I tried to tell my husband to sell. But he wouldn't do it. Our CPA tried to tell him to sell, but he wouldn't do it. Our hard money lender told him to sell, but he wouldn't do it, and so we went broke. We lost EVERYTHING. I told my husband that when this day came, he would accuse me of bankrupting him, and I was right. In 2009 he accused me of just that.

Thank goodness we were able to pay cash for a Foreclosure home that we live in now. So we got it pretty cheap. And I paid off all our bills and now we only live off of our Social Security Checks and his pension, which doesn't add up to much.

My husband refused to take out life insurance on us, and because he wouldn't sign or even talk about a policy, I knew I was doomed and worried for many years how I would live once he passed away.   But the money I saved during those years, did end up paying cash for the house we live in now, so I was happy I began saving money at that time.  

When tenants left, some of them left behind their animals, and so we rescued them. We took them in. But when I knew that we were losing everything I told my husband we could not rescue any more animals because we just couldn't afford to take of them, especially since we are old now. We would have to out live these animals. But he wouldn't listen and so now we have one dog, named Munchie and one cat named Lulu left.   But they are old now and they may not be with us in a few years, but still, since I won't money if I leave my husband now, I wouldn't be able to take the animals with me.   

So my husband blames everybody but himself for being broke and for us not having money to spend like we did when we had money.  It's always everyone else fault for everything in his life. 

I have never been one to buy furs or diamonds. I don't even wear jewelry, so being broke doesn't bother me at bit. I am truly a simple country gal and always have been.  So I don't mind not having money.  The only problem I have now about not having much money, is that it's tough to life on just a few bucks a month.  Emergencies, all those unexpected repairs etc. 

So, for me to live in a small 422 sq ft senior apartment won't bother me at all.  As a matter of fact, my entire life with my husband was me living in a smaller section of our house, which entailed 3 bedrooms and a bathroom, nothing more.  I made one bedroom, my bedroom, and one bedroom my office, and one bedroom my arts and craft room.  That's it.  My bedroom was also my living room.  He had the big portion of the house.  The big living room, the kitchen, bedrooms, dining room, etc.  But I was willing to live in the smaller portion of the house in order to keep my distance from him.  And, too, I like small places.  That's why I could live in a van.  I don't nee much at all, really to make me happy.  Just peace and little bit of love and a private space where I can be alone to think.  (My husband is a talker.  Non stop.  And of course, it is always about himself and how wonderful he is and how everyone else is so stupid)

But, now, that I know my husband is well enough really to take care of himself, (yes he's sick, but he legally can take care of himself, (heck I'm going to have to do that in the future, myself. I have no one to take care of me even now) so he will do okay. And, this makes me seriously want to apply for the apartment complex today,  at a regular rental rate,  and hope that I can get some assistance for my rent etc, within the two year waiting period.  I'd be close enough to take care of Munchie (keep an eye on her) and still have my Freedom.

I wish it was just a simple case of my spouse being sick and I'm having to take care of him and having it just be the normal caregiver issues that I have to deal with (which are bad enough when you love someone)  How I wish it hadn't got to the point that my feeling for him has turned into such hatred, and a desperate need to get away. It shouldn't be this way as people grow old together.  But because we never had a husband and wife relationship, that bond that we should have together, right now, doesn't exist.  He never wanted that.  So I can I really say I love this man until death do us part and be kind to him and caring for him emotionally, when he denied me any type of love or affection, or kindness? The truth of the matter is all I can say now, is I  loved you until I got to know you.  

So that's it for today.

Thanks again for your support.

First off...people will hire you. Secondly...what does your counselor say? Or a minister? I think you have answered your question in regards to leaving. You would have already, you said. Please continue to post to us. You have all my thots this eve. Love and hugs x

I stopped posting because I felt embarrassed at what I wrote. I felt ashamed. But, I have to tell you, I haven't been treated this kind by anyone in 20 years. You have made me laugh and you have made me cry, and your love and support for me has truly touched me deeply.

My reasons I believe for not leaving is this in a nut shell. I WANT THE HOUSE !!

I don't make enough money per month to live on my own, and trying to get assistance, housing, anything, you need to now be placed on a "waiting list", which I understand is a 2 year waiting list all around the country.

However, I do have enough money saved up to rent a small apartment for two years, and that will take care of the 2 year waiting period, and deplete my savings. However, I WANT THE HOUSE !! If I leave, the house may be destroyed and not worth as much if his kids get their hands on it.

The second reason I don't leave is because of our dog Munchie. She is a rescued animal and she is 10 years old. I love her dearly. But I don't know if I would have enough money to take care of her vet bills until. If I had the house and sold the house I would have enough proceeds form the sale of the house to live decently the rest of my life and take care of her as well.

The third reason I'm holding off is to see what the doctors say today about his heart, and then in December about his cancer. I really believe that in 2018 I will make my decision.

Everything that I have read about people who start going down hill have a 5 year survival rate. Meaning my husband began his first heart attack in 2014, then in 2015 he was diagnosed with cancer. Then in 2016 he had an Aortic Abdominal Aneurysm and in 2017 his PSA is climbing meaning his cancer is spreading. In 2018 it will be 5 years. And he is getting weaker and weaker.

As a human being and someone who believes in God I have compassion for him as he is not well. I am having a hard time dealing with leaving a dying man due to my faith. However, I know that God doesn't want me to live this way either.

And it is because of my faith and the appreciation for human life, that I sought out a Counselor because it goes against my principles and faith to wish for anyone to die, let alone my husband. To me wishing for someone to die is the same as you doing the deed. I'm having a hard time living with that emotion.

So there you have it my sweet caring loving new friend on here. I love your support, your humor (Chief Wimp: going to buy a tag right now) and your sharing your own stories and experience with me.

For you not condemning me for speaking out how I feel and you understood, knowing that I am in conflict with my emotions. What truly is the right thing to do? Morally !

I will keep you posted. Please know that when you answer, you are making a difference in someone's life. Every word, every emotion and thought you write down on this forum is taken in. I may not be able to be strong enough to do what I know I need to do, at this moment. But just knowing that all of you (as well as my family) believe the right thing to do is to GET OUT (and I do too) it's just hard to do it !!! Why? It is just hard to do it !!!! Even though he is awful.

I'll keep you posted.

Just pack your bags and leave. Leave somewhere, anywhere.....atleast, you'll have your dignity. But, I suspect you might not leave your husband, until he leaves you. Your husband knows that too. That's part of the reason, he mistreats you and gets away with it. So, stop wallowing in self-pity and fear and make the best of the rest of your life. Immerse yourself in activities that you love. Acquaint yourself with new people. Spend more time outside the house. Your spouse will be mad. Just ignore him and go on about what makes you happy.

Don't tell him or his sons what you are doing! Figure out how to get out of there while keeping as much as possible for yourself, whether it's by moving out and staying married or by getting divorced and taking your half before medicaid or whoever gets it. Would he have stuck around for you if the situation were reversed? Nope, he'd have been gone, and probably to another woman, at the first sign of trouble from you. Run!

Get out while you can. A lot of his behavior sounds like he is getting dementia. Once he is diagnosed you won't be able to get a divorce. I am stuck in that situation myself, like you I kept staying because he had surgeries, then diagnosed with Parkinson's and now he has dementia. 
He is only going to get worse and you are going to end up with issues yourself because you will resent him even more making your life miserable.

I don't know if he's always been like this, but if he has you never should've married him in the first place. Going into a relationship with someone you know is toxic means that you failed to see the red flags from the start but now live and learn from experience. I think you're going to want to do your homework on the narcissistic trait as well as the severe bipolar and any other problems he's having because it sounds like you're in a big mess. Hopefully he's not on your bank account because narcs are notorious for taking financial advantage of their victims when they gain access to their bank accounts. I knew a narc who did just that to his live in girlfriend but I never knew anything was really going on until after he evicted from his girlfriend's apartment. I thought it was in both of their names not knowing it was just in hers. I found out through her and her family what was really going on after they moved in behind him moving out. What was revealed is he spent all of his Social Security check on tobacco then lived very large at his girlfriend's expense, she was also on Social Security. Had I known what was really going on I would've told Social Security to report the narc for fraud, because he was also taking financial advantage of others and some of them happened to also be on Social Security. When he sold stuff he justified his prices and when anyone bought anything from him, he went behind the customers' backs and bragged about ripping them off and I guess how he convince them to pay the price for the item. This particular narc since died as he was a chain smoker who happened to have had a heart attack just like your narc did and the narc I know you had stents installed after his heart attack. He planned to quit smoking but that never happened. He claimed his doctor took him off the nebulizer, but I later found out his girlfriend actually made him quit using it since he wouldn't quit smoking and the medication wouldn't help him anyway, smoking was only defeating the purpose of the nebulizer medication. He eventually moved in with a new supply who happened to be doing street drugs and I think he got a hold of some of those drugs because they died only days apart.

If your narc is on your bank account, you really need to call Social Security (if you're on it) and have your check moved to a new bank account. What I would do is go take a certain amount you need from your current account if he's on your account and go open a new bank account in the bank of your choice and tell that bank what's going on when you make the withdrawal. Banks are mandatory reporters and at your age they can definitely help you. Definitely get your money separated from his if he's on your bank account because I'll bet you a nickel he probably is. I've dealt with narcs before I know a little bit about them and how they are especially over a money. They hate your stuff and they are laughing at you and this man being narc never look really loved you since they're not really able to love. They hate your stuff and I know for a fact because I found out that all the stuff that was sold out of the house, most of it belonged to his victim, his live-in girlfriend. If you see things go missing, broken, etc. this is a clue knowing what you know now. You may also notice he may have also acted as someone he's really not such as a small child because these narcs are really childish and very greedy, self-centered and don't care about others or their needs. They don't really care about anyone but themselves and what they can get from others. What I would do in your particular case is if the home is in his name I would take what belongs to me and I would leave and find a new place ASAP. I wouldn't tell him about moving your check to a new account, let him find out the hard way when you're gone. Don't be surprised if after you're gone he tries to get you back, this is called hoovering when they try to convince you to give them another chance and that they're "sorry". They're not really "sorry", just "sorry" they were caught. The best thing to do in this particular case is go "no contact". Don't let him know where you are, stay under the radar and stay low-key. Change your number if he has it or just block his or maybe do both. If you guys are on Facebook together, unfriend him and even block him. I hope you didn't let him know any of your login info such as user names and passwords since they can do stuff within your online accounts. Change all of your passwords and if possible, your username and any profile pics. On moving day, I get a support network around you to help you since you really don't want to do this alone. There's power in numbers and you want the narc outnumbered by your support network. If you have any assets, you want to secure them and get an eldercare lawyer to help you because it sounds like you're probably going to want to divorce him. 

* One clue you mentioned is how he now physically abuses you and another clue is how he isolates you since he wants no relationship with his children, just you. Huge red flags there!

Where I would start is either speak to an eldercare lawyer, the APS or both because you definitely need help to protect yourself and see to your safety. If you're a victim, action should be expedited if the victim comes forward and speaks to the APS or an eldercare lawyer and even the cops. You really need to make a police report that this man has been abusing you for quite some time and you really need to be immediately taken to a safe place

You have to do what is best for you Nancy. It is sad you and even your husband are going through this. His behavior may be partly due to all the medical conditions he has had. As some other members have posted, try to get his sons involved. If this is successful, leave and don't look back.

I would enlist the help of his sons, who you said want to be a part of his life. Tell him you are exhausted and need their help. Have a family meeting and discuss options. With just you to lean on, he has more power over you.

I think my biggest question is why do you feel as if staying with an abusive, narcissistic, bi-polar & paranoid man is something you MUST DO? I have a feeling that you are exactly the type of person a narcissistic, bi-polar, antisocial person pursues. You have a problem with feeling guilt over leaving a sick man, even though he is abusive, both mentally & physically.

You must think logically about this. You are 70 years old. He is 83. Granted he has some health issues, but an ejection fraction of 30 to 35% isn't terrible. How long are you going to stick around, allow him to abuse you (and I say "allow" because that is exactly what you are doing by staying"), make you miserable & steal whatever life you have left? You say that we go through tough times in order to appreciate the peace that will come afterward, the freedom----WHAT? The way you're going, your husband is going to be the one at peace & free because he will outlive you. Our responsibility in life is to ourselves---maybe to our kids when they are young---and to maintain our own health & sanity. You owe NOTHING to this man.

You don't have to secretly plan anything---tell your husband you're leaving, and then leave.

Nancy, dear one, hugemom is right on the money. I hope you're following her advice and have set things in forward motion to get out of this situation. As uncomfortable as that change may be for a while, it's a change for something better. I'm sure I'm not the only one lifting you up in prayer right now. You go, girl!

Nancy, Your husband sounds like my dad, who was an intelligent and educated sociopath with explosive personality disorder. He was also alcoholic and began to develop Alzheimer's at a young age, which eventually killed him at 87 years old. (These mean personality-disordered people are known for long lives). He was simply an awful man and just growing up with him and (trying to) maintain a connection with him was trauma, so I know what you must be going through.

Not sure I understand your financial situation, but you might consider putting your husband into assisted living and then moving into a van for awhile. Many people these days are living in vans to save money and get their bearings, and many are older women. There are articles on the web and You Tube videos about this lifestyle. No one would even have to know how you living unless you want them to.

Please keep us posted. Good luck.

Addressing some of the other issues you brought up. Some professionals just don't have a clue to real life, they might be book smart, but it ends there! Sure thing just run out there and get s job. In the real world a paying job may not be the answer. Depending on your interests maybe a little volunteer job, or something as simple a just doing things you like. Before we had bipolar husbands we had a life, think back to what you enjoyed then.

As to the wanting him dead comment, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Many a wife has said this at one time or the other. Those married to an aggressive bipolar, even more so. Heck, when the hospice socal worker first came in the door and asked how things were going... I just smiled and said, "Haven't killed him yet."

Don't feel guilty about dreaming about freedom! It's a dream you have had for a long time. We give it our all, until at times we are maxed out, then give a little more. That does take a toll.

All of this comes with mixed feelings. For me, I'm using the mind frame of yes I will miss him, yes I will enjoy the freedom. For him and I'm sure yours it isn't easy for them either. Their whole life has been living to the beat of a different drum. The anger, the depression, and those darn manic times don't make for a happy person. Sometimes death can be a blessing.

I would also like to say that I see so much advice about putting the person you are caring for into a nursing facility at some point, and that is certainly an option that should, sadly, be considered-unless, I'd course, you have not the financial resources to do it. The costs are so high, much more than we earn in a month, so for so many folks that is not an option. After seeking some free legal advice, I was told that in some ways the only hope is that the patient has a fall or other medical emergency and once hospitalized that I find a facility that is Medicaid certified, because once the patient is admitted, after the maximum of Medicare is used,  things are much easier to deal with. I don't fully understand this, or if it depends on the state you live in, or if someone out there has better information, please post.

First, let me tell you that I am so very sorry for you and your situation and yes, for him too. The best advice I can give you is to have an exit plan for yourself. Call Adult Protective Services and talk,to someone immediately. Also ask them about and counseling services available, just to help you cope right now. And know that you are not alone, though I know that it must feel like that, especially in the dark early morning hours. That is the worst time for me-when I know I should be resting in order to face the coming day, but my heart is so heavy. Do you have a Power of Attorney, both medical and durable, in place? If not you need legal advice. In CA we have a non-profit -Del Oro Resource Center. This is a journey that you did not sign up for. If I can think of anything more helpful, I will post again. But you need to look to your own physical and emotional needs. Do not lose yourself!

Nancy, I had to chuckle. It many it would appear out of place, but anyone that has married to a bipolar, knows a good sense of humor sometimes is all you have to get you through the rough patches. I've been married to one for just over 20 years and now doing in home hospice, because of cancer. Heck the bipolar hid the fact he had a tumor on the brain. Mood swings and all that other stuff that goes with it can be rough when things are good, then you toss in cancer... well I'm a few years younger than you and the social workers were worried it might be too much for me to handle. I'm doing it, but it isn't easy. Then doctor did add one medication to go with the sequel to calm him down, and that does help. YOU AREN'T ALONE! There isn't an easy right or wrong answer either, what works for one, may not with the other.

Nancy, I'd put him in a nursing home or assisted care facility right away. You're going through h*ll and it's only going to worsen. The stress could make you die before your husband does. He'll get more consistent care living in a professional situation and you can get back your life.

With regard to finding a job, I'm 61 and having a terrible time finding a job after moving to a major metropolitan area to be near my 90 year old mother. I also have a good education and years of good experience, but I get interviews and not job offers. After researching this problem, I learn that once you turn 50 it's really, really hard to find a job, even if you are well educated with lots of experience. So your counselor's suggestion to get a job isn't realistic.

Please take care of yourself above anyone else. Best to you.

If you really need a job I know you would make a wonderful paid caregiver. Age doesn't matter. In fact older is better as companion. My heart goes out to you. Is your husband a Veteran? Call VA if he is. Free help is available w them. Go to a Retirement home & talk w them. Go to several & enjoy the lunch they give you & talk w all. If money is an issue medicaid may be in order. They shld be able to help or lead you to help. You at the least need a time away from him to help clear your mind & body. Also if abused Cal 911. Call out to God for guidance. We love you & care about you. Keep us posted.

Nancy, you can come hear for compassion, to "hear yourself think", for support and encouragement. This is a soft spot in which to settle for a bit. Continue to use this space for your needs.

I want you out, but you have a lot to consider and prepare for your future. You have spent two decades in this marriage. You need to consult with an attorney. Do you know what is in the will? Have you been in charge of paying bills and are you confident that you are aware of all financial assets? Would he hide assets from you? Is it possible that there are accounts/funds of which you are unaware? Does it all go to you upon his death? Is your name on the deed to the house? Does he receive a pension? If so will it continue to you after he passes? You need to understand the financial implications of divorce vs. his passing naturally.

If you decide to wait for the December test results and they indicate that he has limited time and you decide to stay, that does not mean things need to continue as they are now. It is time for you to renew your friendships. You need a break desperately. You need to vent, you need to laugh. You need to remember what it feels like to feel good. Start going out to meet friends, be The Chief Wimp.

If he truly needs someone to stay home with him call and hire someone from one of the numerous home care companies. He will try to guilt you, but calmly explain that your needs are different than his and while you have seen to his needs, you have sacrificed your own for as long as you can. You can arrange to have someone come the same day(s) every week. If you don't have friends to get together with, go out to lunch, go to a movie, get your nails and/or hair done, shop for a new outfit. But take that time every week. Then when December comes you can re-evaluate what you want and need for yourself.

I am not saying stay until December. But if you decide that you must, make changes that make it more bearable. If he ever raises a hand to you, it is time to leave. Get your plan in place now should you need to leave quickly. You have sacrificed enough, it is time some good came your way.

Nancy you say you have lived in separate parts of the house since you married.
Kind of makes me think he married you just to have a housekeeper and someone to dump on.
Time to move on he has no respect for you at all.
Go see the lawyer and move on . As we age we begin to realize time is running out
and we need to be happy with ourselves.
No more taking abuse from anyone..
Take care of yourself now..

I understand. Been there, done that. I knew I needed to leave but just couldn't get myself to do it. It was easier to stay than to leave. Finally, he did something that made me realize I needed out, even if it meant living in my car. It still took me four months after that to tell him I wanted our 28-year marriage to end. He died of lung cancer (I didn't realize he was sick) 5 1/2 months after our divorce. He ended up taking out a policy that paid off all our credit cards if he should die. That saved me. The feeling of relief that went through me the day the divorce was final is indescribable. I wish that for you. My advice is to either leave or move him to a nursing home. Realize you don't owe him a thing. Stop waiting. Do it now.

Nancy, you have shared much and received good suggestions. Just reading your own words has given you insightful strength. You have also received caring thoughts and suggestions. That's the beauty of this site. We can pour out our deepest concerns and receive compassionate and objective responses. Good for you for reaching out here.
I agree that you have done your time and need to put yourself first as you create a better future for yourself.
You can do this.

Nancy, you've got some great answers and support here. I'd pipe in: 1. You only need to get him into care, and yourself living in that house alone or somewhere else, does it need to be a divorce? More of married in-name-only, you can still help make decisions for his care (provided by *othet people*) which I think he'd be lucky to have, and I'm sorry but also so you get any benefits that would be coming to you when he passes. 2. Be sure you have documented all these instances of (yes, as we see it) physical threats or mental abuse. 3. I'd tell the counselor what your real goals are, now, and enlist her to help you plan and execute steps... she should also be able to find names of services to call for this or that. Typically part of a mental health professional's toolkit. I think now she's being passive because you are conflicted. Try to make a declaration and a plan, with her - you've already got a great helper if you use her differently. Good luck and god bless, you can do this!

Do you have POA for health and financial? You need this. Ask the doctor to approve a wheelchair and file claim with insurance. If he is more mobile he may not be as crabby. Falls are a serious risk factor with age and not walking well. Tis the season for bipolar so diet, activities need to be looked into. Fire your counselor who would tell a 70 year young woman to get a job. Best of luck to you.

For starters, you have to feel a little relief just venting here. I do. Second, your foot is for more than walking. Put your foot down. My mother is exactly the same. We are entering her bipolar season. I remind her of her conditions. That I chose to take care of her in my home. You have to learn to ignore the behavior. He can't walk well so what's he gonna do, chase you? Stop taking him out in public if he won't mind his actions and words. Get the doctor to approve a wheelchair and get one. If he can't walk are you supporting his body weight? Who is taking care of you? Your counselor overstepped telling you to leave and get a job. Who is hiring a 70 year young woman, you asked even yourself. I have a portable commode next to my mother's bed. This is next to her door which has a shoe rack hanging for pull ups, disposable chucks, baby wipes, etc. I have worked at making her as independent as I can and making it easy on me. The transferable wheelchair has 4 small wheels and she can get in it, roll around the house and protect against falls which should be a major concern at his age then a nursing home isn't a choice. Good luck to you.

Stage IV prostate cancer with now rising PSA readings.
Heart function at roughly half of normal.
Strokes, aneurysms.

This may not be a problem for very much longer.

However, it would be immoral to hope for that anyway, and besides Nancy clearly is a loyal and staunch woman who wishes her husband well. All she wants is not necessarily to be stuck in the same house as he is, at the very least not all the dam' time.

Nancy, reading through I have the impression that you have just one bad habit. You agree with your husband too much. He says he needs you - on a whole series of occasions - and you agree, and stay. He says friends are for wimps, so you stop seeing your friends. He says he's not abusive, so you ignore verbal and physical behaviours which are borderline *at best*.

It is hard to leave a dying man, you're right. And after all the care and love you've invested in this (I won't add an adjective) man, there is something to be said for seeing the journey through.

So what to do?

Stop agreeing with him. Make your decisions based on *your* judgement, not his.

For example. You stay because he needs you. But he doesn't, objectively speaking, need you. All of his needs are quite capable of being supplied by other people, at home or in another setting. No harm would come to him purely by reason of your not being there. No one is indispensable. So if you choose to stay, stay because you choose to support him. He doesn't "need" you.

Friends are for wimps, are they? On the contrary: friends are for well-adjusted adults who recognise the value of human interaction. If you feel you can't invite friends to your house because they would be made unwelcome, then go out and see them. You don't need your husband's permission. You could even get yourself a badge reading "Wimp In Chief" if you like - his opinion on this is ridiculous, so laugh at it.

And plan an exit route. If you begin to feel really threatened or if God forbid your husband does physically assault you, you need to be able to leave the house at once. So have in mind somewhere to go and a way of getting there. There is nothing in the world that justifies a spouse staying with a violent partner, not even his mental or physical illness. You do not stay in range of something that will hurt you, it's that simple.

Most of all, be in charge of what you do. You know your husband is wrong, sometimes. Don't comply with points of view you know are wrong. Trust yourself to make good decisions based on valid reasoning.

Nancy, I hope writing it all out was therapeutic for you. No one here can judge you as we are not in your shoes, and the posters on this site are very caring.
I would think about what Hugemom wrote above. You have a therapist to talk with and were able to make that decision on your own - too bad the first one had the empathy of a stone asking the sort of question that he did and the awful assumption he recited back to you.
I would next see a lawyer and discuss your options.
Hang in there. The emotions you are having are yours & you have a right to feel that way, but my real concern is that you may be at great risk of physical harm right now - with your husband and his dog now that I read that.
Keep a personal journal of these episodes of abuse - verbal, emotional & physical. When any man touches a woman in anger, as Hugemom said, that is physical abuse.
He can live for a long time, or not. He even guilts you in the doctor’s office (emotional abuse).
If you find yourself in immediate harm again, get out. Go to a homeless shelter if you must, but leave.
You have a lot of living to do. He has many complex issues.
Please consider seeing an attorney next.
Good luck and don’t feel bad coming here to vent.

Nancy, we all wish you the best. Post any time you need to. I will keep you close in my thoughts and prayers.