Quarterly update: narcissist miserable anxious mother with no permanent home by choice continues insanity.
sum: seen her 10x in 20 years. She left my father. She traveled world for 15 years in fancy places but on budget through demands. She is now 77. 100k in bank. We fund 35k. Social security 10k. 2-5 emails a day for this year with:
”are you going to let me die”
“if you think I am going to get on with my life you are in a fantasyland.”
”I’m not going to make it.”
”You want to buy me a house and you expect me to live alone?”
”the prices of houses have doubled - even if you are paying for it; now I have less money from you.”
”I don’t want you to buy me a house.”
”nobody does this alone.”
now, for the past year, rabbis, psychiatrists, my stepmother of all people and us have tried to come up
with solutions.
now she is begging us to “make a deal” that she can come to see us for 2 weeks and just get some love. We held our ground and said no. She said, let me come and then you can decide whether to buy me a house in California or put me in a home.
for background, she did not sacrifice for me. She divorced my father when I was 13, he raised me. She never paid a nickel for college or bought me anything. She was never there emotionally. Ever. She sent one email from 2014 where she showed that I thanked her for her ideas about a mosquito
problem. Her problems are worse, but she ignores my ocd saying it isn’t her fault. I recently had an incident where I lost feeling in my leg and my husband told her and she can’t see it. Even people with cancer have it better than her because they have family. My mil can’t walk, but she has a house. When we offer her a house, she says it’s different because my mil has been in her house. I know it is insane and I should just stop reading the emails. My husband has taken over and she bombards him. He’s ready to cut ties completely but we still want to monitor where she is and need to send her funds. There is still a nagging sadness that she isn’t welcomed by any family - but she was - she just abused everyone to a point of no contact by everyone. I’m not supposed to judge as I’m not g-d but it has deeply affected my family and it’s not ending.
"Thanks. Yes, trying to detach now. yes, my husband lost his job in 2018 and she still made it about her. She was cut back in funds to 30k. She claims this was the third time she lost her money. It took my husband 4 years to get a decent job. We also sold at the bottom of the markets as we couldn't stand losing more money when not working. We tried. Nothing works. No concern as she only sees how it affects her. We even asked her to help with his annuity business than he tried to start but she wouldn't do one hour a week. Yes, we have our little fibs - but they don't work as she sees us losing a job as her loss not ours! And...the idea that she would move somewhere was a one email thing - we would LOVE that as an investment. Much cheaper to buy vs. rent in the long-run. But, she doesn't want to settle anywhere. Thank you for your time!"
OcdTrauma, go to www.bogleheads.org.
You SOLD in 2018?
Geez. Has no one ever told you that "Time IN the market beats TIMING the market every time"?
Read any of John Bogle's books. And find a psychiatrist.
Stop giving your mother money.
Stop giving your mother money.
Stop giving your mother money.
Stop giving your mother money.
You don't have to answer the door.
You don't have to answer the door.
Cut off all communication.
Cut off all commumication.
I doubt that she even has a plane ticket to California.
How many times has she visited you? She’s been practically a stranger in your life except for accepting your money!
She hasn’t followed through with her suicide threats either. She is the little boy who cried wolf.
Give her the least amount of money if you must so there would be no money left over to buy a plane ticket.
YOU paid for that flight if she even has a ticket!
Enough already! Resume your life with your family. You and your family deserve to have peace and happiness.
I am curious about how you view yourself. Others see you as you view yourself. Do you realize this?
If a person continually views themselves as fearful, that is the image that you are presenting to them. What example do you wish to teach your son? He is observing your behavior.
So, we view you as this woman who is riddled with fear and anxiety. We do not see a strong confident woman who is capable of handling challenging situations.
Would you be willing to ‘role play’ with a therapist or even someone else who can be objective and see things from a different perspective than you.?
In other words, if someone else was in your situation, what would you say to them?
Would you advise them to do what you have been doing for all of these years with your mom?
Or would you think they were totally out of touch with reality if they followed your example?
Just think about that for awhile. Anyone in your situation who truly desired to solve the family drama that you have would not be doing what you are currently doing.
Others would handle this situation very differently. Don’t you realize that you are prolonging your agony by enabling your mother to emotionally and financially abuse you and your family?
I married my husband because he is a confident man. He isn’t arrogant. He knows who he is. I personally find that extremely attractive in my husband. This is why I fell in love with him.
Who do you want your husband to see as his wife? I know that he loves you. I don’t doubt that for a minute. The man is a saint in my book! Wouldn’t you like him to see a woman who is sure of herself and can stand up to her domineering mother?
End these shenanigans and live in peace with your family. All of you deserve that. Take that first step. Don’t stop until this mess is behind you and one day it will only be ancient history.
I hope that you and your family find peace and joy very soon. You’ve lived through enough heartache.
When will the lot of you learn to stop acknowedging this troll and supporting her (or possibly his, who knows?) nonsense story?
For God's sake stop pouring gasoline on what is very obviously an already blazing dumpster fire.
OCD:
If your story is true shut down your mother's access to you. Have no contact with her. Get a restraining if you have to. Change your phone number and email address. Move somewhere else if needs be.
Your mother is not going to change. She is never going to respect or ever put your needs or anyone else's before her own.
If your story is real, then this is your truth.
"https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mothers-constant-misery-is-destructive-she-wont-live-anywhere-any-advice-476776.htm"
I am with Burnt here. There's an expression my Mom used to say "either s**t or get off the pot" which means "you should either act now or accept that you will never do something"
I am sure ur therapist said "it will only get worse" but also said "until you do something about it" Your therapist needs to teach you the tools needed to deal with this woman. Your therapist needs to help you find out why you feel you must give this women what she wants. Why your frightened this woman will come to your front door. Why you feel she can blackmail you. Why you are probably looking for love that has never been there. I think u probably have abandoment issues. But you need to realize you owe this woman nothing. There is no law that says you must support her. She has visions of grandeur that you cannot support. Again, this therapist needs to give you the tools to be able to cut this woman off. To help you find out why you even feel obligated. She has not been a Mom to you since she walked out the door when she left her family.
I really don't think as a forum we can give you any more suggestions than we have. Its now up to you and your therapist to figure out how this woman should be handled. I say, continue to block her. Delete those phone calls before you even read them. Same with texts. Your therapist can lead u in the right direction.
Do come back and update us on your progress and how you finally get rid if this women. There are others like you that may get comfort knowing someone has successfully walked away from abuse.
I was also puzzled by the ocd part of her screen name. I certainly get the trauma part.
I think she did explain that she developed ocd behavior from all of this but has since been able to control the ocd behavior.
It’s not exactly clear to me though. For me, the ocd connection is more about her being compulsive in continuing to communicate with her mom and giving her so much money!
Ok, well that’s illegal for moms to do, but turning their kid over to the state is not. If I were you, I’d tell her that’s what you would have preferred frankly.
Lets stop the ocd thought that she’d be instantly homeless or it’s your fault. Your mom gets social security and Medicare as is, and has 100k to spend.