I moved my mother from out of state 1 month ago as her memory changes were quickly deteriorating. I have her on a "cancellation " list for a very good neurologist at UAMS for a dementia evaluation. I am going to have to apply for guardianship after the official diagnosis because my mother thinks she is perfectly fine and is going to fight me tooth and nail on any medical care or placement. My questions are: how am I ever going to get her in the car for the evaluation as she won't leave her apartment and is angry all the time, And question number two is that she is mostly hostile verbally because we have taken away her car. She is so angry about that she calls the police to report it stolen frequently and is on a constant "loop" about the car missing. Every time she calls me and my family members it's about the car and how much she paid for it and how she is calling the law and an attorney. I first tried saying it was broke and that we were having it looked at, we even disabled it but she called a wrecker to take it to a repairmen. I then said her son out of state needed the car but now she calls and harasses him. I've given her reasons why she can't drive even backed it up with DHS and a nurse practitioner saying she can't drive but she does not believe me she doesn't remember them coming to her home and thinks that she is perfectly fine to drive and that I've stolen her car. She cant get past this obsession with her car and that's the only converstion we have. It's hard to visit her because she is angry when I walk in the door and starts in about the car and starts verbally attacking me. Any suggestions for my 2 immediate problems?
You've tried finding a reason she'll accept, and it hasn't worked: she's still arguing and she's still angry; and since the "creative" reasons, so to speak - the car being fixed, your brother needing it - have nothing to do with her incompetence as a driver she would keep arguing, wouldn't she? - 'When am I getting my damandblast car back???!'
So quite honestly you might as well be blunt with her about the fact of the situation, and that it's not negotiable or retrievable. She won't like it, but tough. It's not a choice.
You'll still be on loop, feeling like a broken record, but at least it will a) just be the one record to rehearse and b) be true.
Just wondering: do you ever take her out in her own car, or has it gone for good? My mother was tedious on this subject, but not actively hostile. She'd say "I must get my licence back so that we can share the driving" and I'd sigh and say "yup." Might your mother be less convinced you'd stolen the car if she saw it from time to time?
So those are the two things I'd do. #1 Be blunt. #2 Not expect her to like it.
The driving thing is EXTREMELY hard on all elders who have to give it up, and it is especially hard with the forgetfulness and confusion of dementia.
I don't know a good shortcut through this issue. It is among the most painful and frustrating to deal with.
I just offer empathy. No advice.
There were several long challenging years and in looking back I don't know how we survived them -
I am grateful that while she was able she had POAs executed and even though she has accused me of taking her money and locking her away, there isn't a day that I'm not trying to do the best I can for her
I hope you can get her to the neuro soon, as there may be meds to help with her anger
I always thought that as long as mom knew me and could get to the bathroom then I'd keep her home but with dementia there are so many other behavior issues that make it so difficult
Let us know how things go
It is a long tiring journey and folks here have been through it all
I heard about the car non stop in the first year or so but it eventually tapered down when mom had other things to be mad about - assisted living, reduction in pain meds etc.
You've definitely got my sympathy here - I sooo know what you're going through!