Guilty thoughts about wanting it to end??

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Guilty thoughts about wanting it to end??

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No you are not alone. I know it can make us feel guilty. ❤️❤️😘

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It is important to remember that this is NOT your mother's fault! You can get in-home care to help out. There are programs available that will help you with the expense too. Programs like IRIS in Wisconsin can offer assistance financially and give you resources.

Also, there are many cures now being found to help people. Do not give up hope! God will see you through this.

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That could have been written by me!! My sister passed away almost 5 years ago and I immediately became caregiver to my mum who moved in with me. It's ruined me, my health and my life and I want it over too. I feel bitter every day. So no, you are not alone. Take care. X

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Find ways to reduce your stress ASAP without eating. Try to avoid medication.

If your mom passes away, there will be a whole new set of stressors that will hit you like a brick.

Find some outlets: meditation, reading, music, yoga, working out, long walks, researching an interest, support groups. Diversify your interests to protect yourself from depression.

Hold yourself accountable for your happiness and future.

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You say your mother was not a good mother in many ways. So you are feeling what I think is normal. You were put into a situation that was not fair to you - I doubt anyone but you does anything at all, right? If this is overwhelming you and harming you, STOP AT ONCE. Immediately make the sister do her share and if she refuses, and she will, then YOU must find a way to remove your mother and place her. You have a right to a decent life and with her there, you will never have peace.

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Hard to have a deceased sister do her share. Please reread original post

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You are most definitely not alone, as demonstrated in these responses. There are support resources out there. Daughterhood.org is a great forum to connect with others in your situation. Your county's Agency on Aging or Senior Services should be able to hook you up with support groups and other resources, too. Please - take care of yourself. I know people say that and it seems impossible to actually do, but find a way. Caregiver burnout has sent me into a dangerous, self-medicating downward spiral twice now in the three years I've been caring for my Mom. Both times, my family was completely in the dark about how desperate I was. I was that good at hiding it, and it happened very quickly each time. You need community and a safety net. If you want to talk, you can contact me.

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I read a lot of these messages, but rarely answer - this one I was compelled to write a quick response.

I run a small home healthcare agency in the Fort Lauderdale, FL area. I frequently get calls from the adult children wanting me to "make their mother go away" - they don't want anything to do with her - usually, it's just because they are too busy watching their "shows" to be bothered. I turn down a lot of those cases because I always want to be working with a family that has their parent's best interest at heart.

You Ms. Scully are not horrible - you are a hero!!! You obviously have love and compassion for your mother - even if she wasn't the best mother. (I promise you she was the perfect mother for you, but that's a different conversation.)

Here's my advice: Take a few minutes and stand quietly in front of a mirror. Let yourself breathe for a minute and "be" with the "woman in the mirror". Then honor that woman for the love, caring, compassion, strength, confidence, and everything else you provide for your mother. Honor yourself for your sacrifice and honor yourself for the contribution you are to your mother. The world needs more daughters like you!

You may also want to have a local home healthcare agency to spend 4-6 hours a day with your mom a day to two a week - respite care - so you can have a break!

What they say on airplanes is true... put your oxygen mask on before you help the person next to you. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your mother!

Breathe... you and your mom are both blessed!

Brad

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No you are not a bad person. I frequently have those thoughts. And if you read through this forum, you find many others with the same feelings. My mother has no quality of life with her advanced dementia and she is constantly anxious, angry and paranoid. My mother was not a good mother - she was abusive. I do not do any hands on care at all - I knew my boundaries with that plus she needs too much oversight for any one person to handle. But even managing her finances and other affairs makes me anxious. I am an only child so there is no other family. I am sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain.

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You are not alone! My sister and father died and left mom to me. I understand the thought of what if mom and husband, who has major problems, died. If you are like me, you feel tired down to your bones. I am trying to find some me time. Covid was great for me. Don't get me wrong, I hate that people got sick and died. But it gave me a chance to slow down. I had a built in excuse not to go all the time. Now, normal is starting again. I'm trying to put limits on how much time I spend on others. I'm also trying to make sure I read each day. Notice I said trying. I know I will feel quilty after they are gone but . . .

You have helped me. Thank you. We need to take care of ourselves because no one else will. We need to find a happy place we can escape to. We need some me time. We need to allow ourselves to have these thoughts and not feel quilty!

Take care. I hope life gets better.

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Those thoughts are normal. I had them, I suspect most do. There is no need for guilt. Give yourself a break, mentally and physically. Seek help if you need it. Working and caregiving is incredibly difficult.

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Don't feel guilty I have been taking care of my husband with early onset alzheimers for 7 years , I am broken. H e has destroyed our house with holes in the wall , slamming doors, broken faucets , moving furniture and lifting the counter tops so they are cracked. Now he is acting like a child and will not get dressed or take a shower today I was to bring him in for a ekg and blood work but he won't get dressed or take a shower and if he is forced he will hit you. I am in the process of putting him in a home for my own sanity. He is only 62 and extremely strong. I to wish he would die.

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I’m replying late you you post but dear friend, that is no way to live. I know how scaring and dehumanizing it can be to be dealing with someone like that. My dad exhibited the same behavior toward my mom for 2 years until we finally got her to agree to place him in a nursing home. The important thing was that his facility had 2 male and 1 female CNA who were all stronger than him and able to handle his violent physical outbursts. He was kicked out of the first place we put him after taking a swing at another patient.
I wish you peace and safely going forward.

(3)

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NO. Get help. As much as you can afford. It makes life worth living again.

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Your thoughts are normal. IT has taken me a few years to realize that. I have been caring for my Mom for 6 yrs now. She has Alzheimer's. A while back I had gone mad for a few seconds and told her, Would you please just die and release me of this madness. Of this daily insanity. After I said that out loud to her, I cried for her. I realized, I was making the madness worse for both of us as she has no clue to the madness that was happening in her life. She has no control over it. It's the card she was dealt. She was a great Mom. She raised 7 of us rug rats. She was patient, fun , kind etc. I had to make changes for her and me. I did. Now, the days are quieted, more loving and enjoyable. When she does go, I will miss her immensely and always feel guilty for what I said to her and how I did treat her at times I thought I couldn't do it anymore.

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You are NOT alone, ScullyRed1. I am so sorry for your pain.

I watched my mother suffer in hospice (despite their promise to make "her comfortable). She was unconscious but screaming in pain...every single day and night! It was horrific.

One morning, I witnessed her choking at 3:16 a.m. and ran to the nurse's station. While running back to my mom's room I was scared to death she was dead and another part of me was scared to death she wasn't. I just couldn't bare to see her suffer anymore. It's a totally helpless feeling and I do understand your situation.

If I can do anything to help you, please let me know.

In the meantime, my prayers are going out to you and your family.

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You are not a horrible person and you are definitely not alone. All you need is support and an outlet - and on this site you will find it. We are here to listen, advise, and offer our experience to you. How old is Mom? What are her needs? Is she living with you? Do you still work? Do you have social contact with friends?Please continue to reach out, and give us the specifics on your current situation.

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There were some ways I wanted my parents to pass away, but it was related to their own misery dealing with such tiresome, overwhelming medical conditions. I knew they both wanted life here to end. You’re in no way horrible for your thoughts. It’s being exhausted and knowing it won’t be easy to change things any other way than your mom dying. What you’re doing is too much for any one person to sustain, at least without severe consequences to your own well being. I encourage you to choose you, take whatever steps are needed to change the situation, rely on others, take time away, whatever will prioritize you. A burned out, stressed out caregiver isn’t a good one, no judgment there, it’s just a fact and very understandable. You only get this one life, take steps now to enjoy it again

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Don't feel guilty....you are only human and the effects of the stress slowly rob you of vitality. Eventually, if the stress continues, and gets worse--it wins. You can't take of yourself [to thine own self be true] and others if you are worn down and resentful.

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With a diagnosis of dementia she would probably be better in Memory Care rather than AL.
That would take a LOT of pressure off.
MC staff are well versed in the ways to handle dementia residents.
If you truly do not want to handle any of her care the facility can arrange visits to doctor appointments.
The thoughts you have about wanting it to end are normal. Understandable.
Have you talked to a therapist? You do not go into detail about your sister but is it remotely possible that your sister had the same thought and her suicide was the way she handled the "wanting it to end"?

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Someone else's answer mentions that your mother is in an AL facility. If this is true, what is it you are having to do? Is your mother placed at a level of care appropriate to her needs? If she is being kept clean, safe and adequately fed, what are her demands on you? Does she have complaints or additional requests she expects you to satisfy?
If her physical well-being is secure, you can decide how much of your time and attention your mother gets. You do not need to respond instantly to her every whim.

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no

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You are overwhelmed with stress and have a complete lack of support.
You really need to put her in a nursing home.

Caregiving gets worse as they decline -- the more they will depend on you, which includes eating, drinking, toiletings, diapering, bathing, etc.

Caregivers who cannot manage their stress and lack social support are at high risk of committing elder abuse.

If you depend on her for your income, when she dies you will be without a job and the bills keep on coming in. The longer you stay out of the work force, the harder it will be to get a job and age discrimination happens all the time.

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You are not alone, Often times I have the same thoughts, and for me it is frustration, that no matter what I do, or say or spend it will not change. At times it becomes so overwhelming I have to go for a run to step away from the situation and reduce my stress. Running helps me clear my head, it forces me to concentrate on breathing and allows me to forget even if only temporarily about everything else and focus on myself.

so no, do not feel guilty; my dad took care of his mom, 6 years later took care of my mom thus I do believe it is a family tradition of sorts. 🤪 That tradition stops with me, lol as my husband and I have no children.

please find something you enjoy doing, something that gives you pleasure and when you get to that point stop, call a trusted friend or a neighbor or a sibling ask them to parent sitting for 15 - 30 minutes and walk away as to give you time to refocus. A mani / pedi, yoga, running, a punch bag in the basement whatever it takes.

best wishes and remember you are not alone in this no winner situation.

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This is my wish every morning, I have been my Mother’s caregiver now 4 years of total caregiving, but she has lived under my roof 31 years now. So I have been caring for her in some capacity for years. Now she is bed bound I diaper, dress, feed I do have a home health aide bathe her weekly. She is a godsend. But You are not alone with your thoughts.

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I wouldn't call your thoughts horrible. I would call them natural. No one wants to be responsible for another person's needs, especially if they are wants and not necessarily needs ... and even more especially if the person you're giving your life to doesn't necessarily deserve all you're doing for them. I'm in the same position as you. No one else will take care of my mother who is self serving, inconsiderate and ungrateful and who demands constant attention. But for me it's not about who she is, it's about the responsibility (call it a job) that God's given me to do. We are called to care for our parents...in fact the last earthly thing Jesus did when He was dying on the cross was to look out for His mother by asking John to take care of her. So I know I'm doing the right thing no matter how she acts. Yes I get frustrated, angry, upset and even bitter towards my sister who helps very little and is free to live her own life while I'm tied to Mom...and then the inevitable guilt over experiencing those reactions.Those are natural human emotions just like you're experiencing. But what we do with those emotions, whether we give in to them and let them control us, is up to us. You don't need to feel guilty about being human. Just realize what a truly amazing person you are for overcoming them and doing what needs to be done.

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Absolutely not. You're human and have feelings. Plus you wrote here showing you have a conscience. Give yourself a break for your thoughts. That's all they are: thoughts. Your thoughts are not you - the person who stepped up to care for another, even when that other was not so good to you. That says what you can think about yourself in this situation.

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No you are not a bad person, however, it sounds like you are getting deeply depressed. IF you are not POA of your mother, then contact Office of Aging to get help in finding somewhere to place your mother or how to get someone else to be the caregiver for her. I did not read your profile so I don't know what is wrong with your mother that she needs taking care of. If she has no funds for a NH, then get in touch with an Elder attorney to get things started for Medicaid which will pay for your mothers care. And if that option is not available, then the Office of Aging can also help with the medicaid process. Either way...........get some help for yourself. If your mother does not need 24/7 care, then when you are not with her........take a walk, meditate, do some yoga.......anything to help deal with the stress. And if you really don't want to or can't handle it anymore, contact office of aging on how to place your mother and let them know that there "is no one that can care for her and she cannot be left alone". I wish you luck.

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Why do you need to do anything for Mom if she's in Assisted Living? Let the facility employees assist with her living.

The facility is being well financed for her living there.

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I didn't see the part about mother living in AL. If mother IS in an AL, then you right, what is the poster feeling so compelled to do?

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I did caregiver for 2 years, so it's not 5 years. In the 2 years I never felt that way. Dad & I had differences over a lifetime, but I never thought of it as bad parent. And in the end, the 2 years at the end are what I remember most, not that there weren't childhood and other memories along the way. I realize that with Mom, he was very capable there and took care of her decline and ultimate passing. As he was declining in the milder stages, there was always his own self-doubt of him beating himself up over what more he could've done for Mom, even on the middle of the night that she had her stroke. 3 years aftr Dad's passing, I find myself with the occasional self doubt that there was something more I could've done. I lost 96+ yo Dad & his 18+ yo dog within 21 days. That was devastating, neither would eat. The dog couldn't communicate, but Dad, he had mentioned several times that he just didn't want it anymore. And that's where I tried to even encourage him to stay with us longer. I think it had to do with the pain & suffering that he himself was experiencing, I have to believe the dog was in a similar geriatric state of pain & suffering.

He never became a burden really. As I reflect back, he was there from birth to 18+, he wasn't perfect, neither was I, but he worked with me. Had been there and only intended the best. Even when it seemed it wasn't. If I could I'd give from the time bank I have left in this life if it meant that all three would get to the finish line together. Unfortunately, life isn't like that.

And just my perspective on it, parents were there for all of it really, the rest of the human race, not so much. In that regard, you probably see it in your students. There are going to be one's that will never respect what you do or did for them.

Stay strong, because when she's finally gone, what you're going thru today may seem like a burden to bear, but the aftermath of when she crosses over, that's gone, the finality of that. I'm probably the only one that ever visits the cemetery to tidy up, but after all I am the only one that really pulled caregiver duty, I'm also the only one of 3 siblings that shoveled the dirt, for Mom, dog & Dad in that order, at that site too.

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Not sure if you are forgetting a word when you say "parents were there for all of it really, the rest of the human race, not so much." If you mean your parents, then fine. If you mean ALL parents, you're mistaken. Some of us had parents who were never there for us - not food, not shelter, not needed medical or dental care, etc etc when we were children, nor there for us when we were adults.

The fallacy that anyone who gives birth or sires a child is loving and caring needs to end or abuse will always continue for the less fortunate children.

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Do Not feel guilty about your thoughts. I have them too. But I dont feel guilty. I just don't. I am doing what I can for my mother the rest is up to God. If there are days she gets the minimum amount of my energy, the basics, food, heat or a.c., liquids, sleep, medicine, shower then that is all I can give that day. You have to survive too. Get outside help if that is possible but don't feel guilty. It is your life too. Also sounds as if you might be a bit depressed. You should see a doctor. Losing the abilities such as organization, crying all the time and other things you stated are signs of depression. Please see a doctor.

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CM: "You say that your sister's death five years ago made you instantly your mother's caregiver. So - your sister was then your mother's primary caregiver, yes? And your mother was then only 73 which, these days, is barely senior. So - why?"

You state that your sister's caregiver role was a stressor. What was the caregiver situation like before she died? Was your M moved into AL after that?

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