Has anyone felt like the time is coming to the end for their parent?

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Has anyone felt like the time is coming to the end for their parent?

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Background: I live with my 76 yr old mother. She has VaD and Afib along with CHF. She sleeps a lot which is pretty normal for her. However, in the last two wks she has felt really weak, dizzy, gets out of breath easier than normal, doesn't want to eat, but still drinks water and tea. She gets sweaty and feels very cold as in her skin is cold. She keeps telling me she doesn't feel good, but refuses to go to the hospital. Most of this is normal for having Afib & CHF, but she tells me she is ready to go. She is done with this life! She doesn't even try to get her cats in at night anymore.

For the last 2 nights as I sit in my living room I get the feeling like...how do I want to say this...like I am not alone, also like...her time is coming! I know I sound crazy, but I just can't shake this feeling. I am scared! Of what? I am not sure of. Has anyone felt like this before a LO passed?

Thank you in advance!

End of Life Fear of Death Grief Parents

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Shell - I understand your feeling towards your mother. No, you're not mean or heartless. Trust me, you're not alone. Many of us feel that way after years of caregiving. We get tired and burn out and wonder when we get to live our lives. I know I feel that way and my mom is no where near as bad as your mother.

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Thank you Polarbear:)

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Oh yes Polarbear, I made sugar cookings and she ate 6 of them. How can this be? Now, she wants her Shrimp and Ham for Christmas. Plus, I found a half eaten chocolate cake in her room! I was ready to let her go, but she now seems find! This is not a death rally. Maybe I miss judge the situation or maybe I am now miss judging this situation! I am starting to think she will never die!!!

I do love my mother, but I can't say I like her as a person! I am just so tired! And sorry if I seem...well...mean and heartless...But I am tired of her games, lies, stealing and all the other crap she says and done. I just am ready, but I guess she's not (ready) as much as she says she is!

Any ideas would be most helpful! I don't understand!

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Hi Shell. Any update on your mom's condition? How are you holding up?

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My mom just passed and had started asking for her mom and saying that her sisters were there - somewhere in the house. She said the other day - Jesus Now - and I thought she meant Jesus with her then to help her with pain, but she was meaning that she was ready to BE with Jesus then. She seemed to get to where it appeared that she was not seeing anything. She was sleeping more but was up at night and we could hear her calling for people. She would sing hymns at night. When she started having severe pain and we knew that she would be knocked out with painkillers, I finally told her that her mom really was waiting. I felt that it would make her feel that it was ok because we knew she was tired and was wanting to see her mom and sisters. One interesting thing was about four days before she took a turn for the worse, she said, ' there's that man sitting there again - I wish he would stop looking at me.' The main regret I have is that I had so much to do to look after her and the house, that it took time away from just BEING with her. I know it sounds weird, but I am still hearing her, and I am finding little notes that she left to me all over the house, which is very nice.

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I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story!

Hugs!!

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Shell - I'm sorry you're going through this. The end of the journey is so tough. Your mother's body sounds so broken and she is ready to leave it behind. I hope she will go peacefully and when she's gone, so will the dark spirit. We're here for you.

When my dad was near his end, our dog never left his side, always stayed right next to him. Animals are amazing. They can sense what humans can't.

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You know, probably THE hardest thing to do is to sit back and allow a loved one to pass on HER terms. Without intervention. Without imposing doctors, medications, or thrusting heroic measures on them. We are living in a society which INSISTS we do just that: force people to live past their expiration date, no matter WHAT.

My mother is 93 in January, living in Memory Care with dementia, AFIB, CHF, wheelchair bound, chronic depression, vertigo, incontinence.........the list is endless. She's gained a lot of weight and is now about 190 lbs. Her feet/ankles/calves are swollen so the doc thinks it could be a DVT (one side is more pronounced than the other). Well, the treatment for DVT is blood thinners. Had to take her OFF blood thinners last year due to horrendous nose bleeds (many) which brought us to the ER over and again for treatment. She's already had a stroke as a result. She also has an IVF umbrella installed in her vena cava in 2011. So....if she has a DVT, I CANNOT put her back on blood thinners! So it could be the CHF and diuretics don't seem to be working. So doc says let's do PT. Again. However, when she walks is when the VERTIGO gets ramped up!

Action A creates consequence B and we've now reached the point where medical intervention CANNOT happen anymore!! Nature MUST be allowed to take it's course.

Yet I have to push aside guilt every day; as if there is something I 'should' be doing or 'could' be doing that I'm NOT doing. Because hey, western medicine trained me that way.

Allow your mother to pass on HER terms. Give her the privilege to die with dignity and grace, the way she wants to, not the way someone else tells you is the 'right' way to die.

As far as feeling a presence goes, it's very common to have the spirits of deceased loved ones around when death is imminent. Maybe don't think of it as a 'dark' presence but as a loving, benevolent presence that's come to be with you and your mom as her time approaches.

Sending you hugs and a bunch of prayers that your beloved mom passes with no pain and surrounded by only love.

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I am going to let her go on her terms. The dark presence is not a love one...it is something else...something that I have never felt before!

My mother is in bad shape as well. Her Dr wanted her on blood thinners but she is a bleeder so I told him no. She also has COPD and she is almost deaf and losing her eye sight. She can hardly get up and down the stairs without taking her breath and arthritis in her knees. It is just sad!

And your right, this is one of the hardest thing I ever had to do! We are taught to use everything western medicine has to offer!

Thank you for your understanding and your support!

Hugs back to you!

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(((((((shell))))) It does sound like your mum is winding down. Mine started eating less and sleeping more about 6 months before she passed. And that continued until one day she stopped eating and drinking and passed a couple of days after that. She had VaD but otherwise was good.

It's interesting about the cats. I think they know.

You don't sound crazy at all. The doctor said mother could live another few years I knew she wouldn't. I could see the signs. Do you have a visiting nurse or anyone you can call in to be with you as your mum declines more? It may be hard being alone at this time.

Please let us know how you and she are.

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I was thinking that maybe the cats do know. My mother doesn't want a nurse or anybody for that matter. I just let her be as she wants it. She is still drinking chicken broth. Thank you for sharing your story about your mom it made me feel better. Like I know this is normal!

Thank you for your support and I will keep you and others updated! Thank you!

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Well, my mother has stop eating. It looks as though she has given up. I have offer to see if she can get on hospice but she refuses and says she is fine. But she lies...she thinks I don't see that she is not eating or that she sleeps about 20 hrs a day. I feel like any day she will be gone and I don't know how to feel about it! Her cat Little sticks by her side as the rest of the cats stay clear of her. In fact, most of the cats hide out in the basement! This is not normal for them!

I still feel that dark spirit every now and then. But nothing really has change.

I know people can live for sometime without food. I guess, now it is just a wanting game!

Thanks for reading!

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I think even people who are not sensitive have a sense of when they will die. My dad started apologizing to me about things from years before. He wanted to make sure he apologized for everything, even though I told him that he already apologized a long time before.

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Hi Shell, I know how you feel, worried that you are not doing enough but also trying to honor your mother’s wishes. My mom has end stage COPD she also will not let me call an ambulance or take her to ER. She has breathing “spells” where O2 drops significantly. Very scary. She also is ready to go and tells me everyday. I feel I’m doing my best, have been considering contacting hospice but I haven’t brought it up to her yet. Didn’t know if this was suggested for you? They can offer “comfort” care and help for you as a caregiver. Best wishes 💗

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Thank you for your reply. My mother is in no pain nor is she uncomfortable. Yes others here have stated about taking her to the hospital or call hopice, but she refuses for any help. Therefore no medical personal can treatment (Tx) or even touch her and she knows this; therefore there is no point! I just have to wait!!

Again thank you!

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Hi Shell - It is so hard when you can't do anything to help. It seems like for your mom it's the waiting game now. Does your mom have the 6th sense gift like you do? Maybe she knows more than she tells you.

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Yes she does! When we were kids and the phone rang she would tells us to answer and know who it was on the other end and we had a lot of friends calling here.

When I was 16 I was in a car accident with 3 of my friends and a guy who my parents helped raise. Anyways we rolled the car over and I guess I screamed mom and my mother was a sleep and she said that she heard me. She went to the ER and asked if they had a (name) there and they said no. But she refuse to leave telling them they were going to have (name) there. Well, 30 mins later I was at the hospital and there was my mother waiting!! It was rare for me or my brother to get away with anything without her knowing. My dad use to say she was a witch. Of course, I always thought he was joking...but maybe that was his way of being able to explain how she just knew things.

Maybe she really knows her time is coming and isn't telling me the whole truth. I feel like she is holding back on me!

Polarbear, thank you so much for your support and understanding. You have no idea how much it means to me.💗

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Update; Well my mother has fallen a few times nothing broke. Once I did catch her and ease her to the floor. Now, she is barely getting out of bed at all. She complains that she feels light headed and dizzy and I know she is not getting enough O2, but she still refuses to go to the hospital! I guess, I just feel helpless and a bad person for not doing more. It is in my nature to do something! How do I help her...I can't, not when she doesn't want help or Tx.

She tells me that she will only live until November! How does she know this? Can some people know when they are going to die? Perhaps it is wishful thinking on her part!

My hands are tight--I can't help someone who won't help themselves! I guess she really is done!!!

As for the dark spirit it comes and goes...maybe it is just my fears...I don't know anymore...I feel like I have went 10 rounds with Rocky!!!

Thanks for reading...

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I’m so sorry, Shell. I hear the pure exhaustion in your message. You deserve more cooperation. How can you help someone that refuses to be helped? Awful place to be in.

Kind of surprises me when we are able to catch them at times. It feels like divine intervention because I always say to myself afterwards, “how did that just happen?”

What makes me crazy too, is when we do EVERYTHING for them and they try to lay a guilt trip on us. I started walking away when this happens. I hope your mom will start listening to you.

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Right now I have a weird feeling too. Sometimes I get this feeling late at night,when I'm alone, and I pray that everything will turn out okay and to hold myself together for another day. Then I don't feel alone, and sometimes feel peaceful and calm. But I don't feel watched either(like a person is watching me from somewhere).
If you feel the latter, maybe camera's would be a good investment for self-protection.

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Its weird...like it is waiting! It is not from a person because no can see inside my house at night! We have very heavy curtains because our house is old and drafty. When I don't feel alone I feel uneasy--very uneasy!! Just can't explain it!!

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Shell- you're right. He's a lowlife. You mentioned earlier than he may have case against you mom. I certainly hope not. You should check with an attorney to get an opinion. I always hear the first consultation is free. At least, it'll put your mind at ease or prepare you for what can happen.

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Thank you Polarbear. I did and turns out that my brother doesn't have a case and that he is just running his mouth because he wants my parents house and he wants me to move my mother, my sig other and myself out of this house! He thinks that everybody owes him. He doesn't even think my mother has a right to live here...it really doesn't make any sense...he is on drugs and has been for yrs! It is sad when you want to throw your 76 yr old sick mother out on the street! He has no shame!

He just wants to stress me out and cause problems as if I don't have enough to deal with!(

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Update: Did get the results of my mother's bloodwork & urin. No infection and no UTI. She is Anemia.
Called her Cardiologist and he manage to talk my mother to come into his office for a Echocardiogram and an examination she has an artery that is blocked almost 75%. Plus she has Tachycardia (fast heart rhythm). She refuse treatment (Tx) and/or surgery.

If things couldn't get any worst, my low life brother has it in his head that he can sue my mother for her house, which makes no sense. His low life friends can talk him into anything and always could. So now, he is telling me that if I don't give him what he wants he will take the house from my mother and me...some people just don't have the sense that God gave them. He doesn't seem to understand that our mother is sick & dying and you can't reason with stupid. And no, I will not meet his demands!! It is just one more problem in a stressful situation.

My mother is still saying she is ready to go and she is just waiting.

The dark spirit seems to come and go!!

*Thank you everybody that has given me advice, support, and prayers! It means the world the!

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Grammer correction: It means the world to me!☺

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Shell,

Thinking about you. I realize I don’t have any words that can make you feel better. Just offering you support and many hugs.

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NHWM, and I appreciate your support and your hugs.

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Please do not use the ER for routine care of your mother. Hospitals are no place for someone who is not in an emergency. Is her A-fib controlled? Does she take diuretics for her CHF?

Your mother is very ill with chronic diseases that probably make her tired and diminish her quality of life. If she tells you she's ready to go, I would believe her. It's not your life to live - it's hers - and not for you to decide to prolong her life. No one really knows what's going on inside our loved ones, dementia or no dementia.

You don't sound crazy; I have felt "not alone" twice before, and had a strange feeling that a loved one was near death. Palliative care may help her and you with quality of life. Peace.

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NY, I say this with all repect to you. But 1) I would never use the ER for a routine check. My mother has great insurance and a good Dr. 2) My mother has refuse any and all treatment. She is refusing to go to her Dr, the hospital even when I had a Dr here twice. Therefore no medical personnel can touch her. She has stated many times that she is done with this life. No her afid is not under control and she wishes it to stay that way. So yes you are right it is her life and not mind and I am doing the best I can with what SHE wants!!! I am all to aware of her rights to refuse Tx. She doesn't want hospice or palliative care. Now that I have said that, I did draw her blood and got a urin sample to have them tested. My Dr friend was over today although he can't do much, but I did...she isn't going to sue me or get me for assault. I need to get an idea of what is going on with her, however I will not make her get any Tx that she doesn't want.

But thank you for sharing about not feeling alone when a LO is near death.

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My thoughts are with you, Shell. These times are so hard. You have been a blessing in your mom’s life and continue to be on hand for her.

You’re genuine and I appreciate that. How many people offer to help with others and it’s nothing more than ‘lip service.’ You have done the heavy lifting.

When her time comes, you will not second guess that you didn’t do all that you could have for her. She knows it too. We have all witnessed from your caring words that your actions truly define the word, ‘caregiver.’

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Thank you NHWM, but I am not sure if that is true!

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Gosh, sorry mom not eating again. Also, my mistake about the feeling you had earlier on... (I didn't realize it was a dark spirit.) Sorry about that. (Sent u a PM).

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My dad was a very strong man. He smoked too many cigarettes & eventually, it caused heart & lung disease. He went from a nursing home, to a hospital & ended up on a machine. I was literally watching him dying. I couldn't bear it. The hopeless feeling that there was nothing I could do to keep him a live haunts me to this very day. Life is so empty without him. Your feelings shell are perfectly normal.Maybe, you are afraid of living life without your mother. That thought gave me the willies. Life without him, by my side is difficult to say the least!

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My mother and I never had much of a good relationship. It was my dad that I was close to and he passed in 2014. To tell truth I have no idea how I feel!

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Update: Even though this was to be more about the feeling of something watching me. I feel I should say what is going on with my mother's health.

I thought my mother was getting better, well she took a turn for the worst sometime yesterday. She has no fever and back to not wanting to eat. BP in a little low but nothing to much to worry about. Nonetheless, my Dr friend is coming tomorrow to check on her. He will bring everything I will need to do a blood draw and to get a urin sample. I figure I can at least have her blood tested and besides what will she do sue me? Call the police on me? However, I will remain to respect her wishes. Giving her antibiotics is one thing, but anything beyond that I will not force her!

As for the dark spirit, I didn't feel it last night. Maybe it is gone!!!

Thank you everybody for your prayers and warm words. Bless all of you.

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You’re a wonderful daughter Shell. My thoughts are with you and your Mom.

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You have the hard part right now, friend Shell. Mom is comfortable in bed at home, (which she loves cuz she wants to be near you), & she isn't disturbed like she would be in a hosp. So far so good. It's wonderful that she's not in great pain. It's really much harder on you now, just watching & waiting. For sure mom appreciates what you're doing 4 her🌷. (Will be checking up on you:)

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You are overwhelmed as anyone in your situation would be. This is normal. I don't know what the abbreviations stand for in terms of medical issues - please write them out so we understand. She is ill and she knows time is growing short. You are scared and uncertain as this is not something that happens to us every single day. She and others facing death DO SEE OTHERS - I do not know how but they do - and I have seen this happen more than once. They are letting them know they will be coming and it gives them peace. You don't know how and when she will die so be as prepared as you can knowing she won't suffer and will be at peace. Enlist the help of people who are familiar with this process and can tell you more about it so you can find some peace.

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Afib Atrial Fibulation otherwise known as irregular heartbeat.
BP Blood Pressure
VaD Vascular Dementia
CHF Congestive Heart Failure

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Shell: Praying for you.🌻🌻🌻🌻

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UPDATE:

All I can say to all of you...is Thank You.
My Dr friend came today and my mother was not happy. But she did go along with another IV fluid 100ml. He said she was dehydrated. However she would not allow a blood draw. She doesn't have any weight gain but she does get out of breath easy. Her heart is not beating at a normal rhythm but it hasn't for some time now. (Afib)
After many hrs she asked me to make her one egg. This is the most she has eaten in 4 days. I will get her hydrated. The Dr will be back in a few days! I will wait and see!

He did tell her she should go to the hospital but she refuse and because she was able to answer his questions he consider that she was able to make the decision to refuse his offer.

And I can't drag her to the hospital.

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Shell,

Are things any better? I hope so. Hugs!

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Yes a little. My mother did eat one egg.

Thank you NHWM. Hugs back to you!

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How are you today Shell38314? It will turn out okay....🌈.

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I believe that things will turn out the way they are suppose too. I am tried but good, if that makes any sense!☺

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When my mother was getting ready to pass from this life, she had people in the room that I could not see, for about 3 days. I didn't feel their presence, but I respected their being there for my mother. I hope you can derive comfort from them and if you need someone you can see, please call on someone to sit with you. You seem to be a smart, caring, intelligent soul. My ((Hugs)) go out to you.

I know when the time comes and I am done with the prodding and testing, I hope my children honor my wishes as you are honoring your mother's. tried to read all the posts but I didn't notice if you have called Hospice or not. if not, you might do that, they have given many comfort in these times.

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Mary, Thank you for sharing your experience and for your support. You understand how important it is to me to honour my mother's wishes. I did have a Dr who is a friend of mine today and he gave her some fluids. I would like to be able to have her tested for infection.

And thank you for staying on the subject! ☺

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Get her weight every day to see if it is heavier. It may be that her CHF is worse and she has a fluid overload. Other causes could be a UTI, imbalance in her electrolytes, depression...Take her to the doctor for a check-up and let him/her know your concerns.

Even if she is "worn out", she - and you - should be comfortable and cared for. Doctors can help with hospice if her prognosis is 6 months more or less.

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Thank you for your reply. I have an understanding how hospice works but I am not sure we are there yet. Thank you!☺

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Has anyone felt like the time is coming to the end for their parent?

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