We live in NJ and are retired. Anita is a 68 year old previous work friend of mine who I socialized with over the last several years who lives in CT. She is an independent single person who lives alone. She lives near her best friend, an older woman who she asked to be her primary POA. Anita has asked me to be her "back up POA" but I am leery about taking this on. Anita pays all her bills by mail and has nothing set up on a computer and despite being her "friend" we have been the ones who always entertained her which we didn't mind, but we have never been invited to her apartment. Previously when driving from NJ to Cape Cod we couldn't even drop by for a pit stop. Weird. She has some relatives in CT who she says she does not see often. When dealing with my mother's affairs I saw how even with a POA it was difficult to manage another person's affairs (ie social security not accepting POA's) How can I tell her I don't want to take on this responsibility, especially at a distance without offending her?
"If" this woman is a friend of yours, the foundation of friendship is being honest and clear. You do not need to give her any reasons or excuses. Thank her for considering you and say:
"I need to decline and appreciate the trust you've placed in me."
Period end of conversation. "IF" you continue to talk and give reasons, it will open a[n unnecessary] can of worms and reflect some level of guilt or discomfort on your part -- Although you could say,
"I have too much on my plate now and can't take anything else on. Thanks though for thinking of me. "
P.S. I did turn down a friend who asked me. It was way too much responsibility for my comfort level. Friends - friendship = personal integrity and honesty. If you are not accustom to this way of 'being,' with others, it is a good opportunity to practice . . . practice believing in yourself and how you feel as being okay. More than okay.
When it all hit the fan, she could not manage his affairs from out of state. So she resigned as trustee and POA and my spouse who lives in WI assumed the duties.
There was a LOT of work and time needed to perform the duties: banking, investments, health care decisions, housing and other arrangements that needed attention as his health deteriorated.
So it came time for my dad to set up general durable POA/health care POAs, as well as a personal representative for the estate. He named me since I had a career in finance, was the oldest and most trusted child.
However, the estate includes a family owned and run business, and a valuable commercial rental property. I would have had to manage all that, plus time spent with the health care issues, which was a lot. Knowing how much time and trouble my spouse had with managing his dad's affairs, I resigned all those powers and my younger brother and sister assumed the duties. So I think it's only fair that the two who will inherit the assets do the work related to that.
Assuming POA and/trusteeship and later, personal representative for an estate is a lot of work, and being out of state, the distance is a problem as well. I'd tell the friend that you cannot assume those responsibilities. She should look to a bank or trust company to manage the financial piece and a nearby friend or relative to manage the health care POA.
I write from the patients point of view. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ 4 1/2 yrs ago. I was diagnosed when my DW and I were doing Estate Planning for our family. My DW has both my Medical & Financial POA's our adult children are the backups. There is a lot of work to do with both of these powers. Should the current POA decide they don't want to accept the responsibility and they default to you, you are taking on a Second World of Work. I once agreed to be a POA for a co-worker, who was in bad financial straits, and no family, I had to walk away from it and let the Govt take over. I was too young and too irresponsible for all of the duties that were attached to it. My impression from reading your post, is to say, I'm sorry, I am no longer able to serve in the position you wish me to take on. This will then give them time to find another alternate, that lives in the same state that they do. I wish you good luck, and I'll send some prayers up for you.
As for the POA....it is sad when there are so many people with no one to do this, but there must be other ways if no one wants to take on that responsibility. I will be facing this most likely some day.
Unless you have a 100% free time to devote to this, you are computer and legal savy, you don't mind no upside, you don't mind be legally responsible if something goes wrong. Run as fast as you can away from this... I am speaking from experience........
Sorry, that was a little off topic, but I was trying to imply the strangenesses.
Don't even agree to be secondary. I was secondary POA for my parents, my very closest friend, and her husband, and secondary for their impaired daughter's trust and health. My father, my friend, and her husband all died within months of each other and I was left settling three estates and caring for two individuals with multiple health problems and dementia. You never know how the future will unfold. Please listen to the excellent advice you are seeing here and say no. And keep saying no.
“I’m so sorry I just can’t take this on. I wish you the best.
and then shut up.
don’t give any excuse as an excuse is something she can pick apart. Then you’re set up to defend your position.
Keep saying I just can’t.
if she really pushes you against your will, she’s not really a friend.
then you can logically say that you just don’t want to.
good luck!
Of course, with my response below, dementia must be considered and responded to accordingly. i.e., a person with dementia cannot process hearing "NO" as a person w/o dementia can. Learn how to communicate in this (often) new language. If the person cannot comprehend, they need to figure out, perhaps with social services and/or family how to proceed.
Too many people are too afraid (conditioned) to not assert themselves, to not believe that how they feel is okay (to share) with another person. Self respect, self-love IS telling another how you feel, with clarity and conviction.
As I just read (Katie, a spiritual leader said) "It isn't your business to like me, that's mine."
Whatever the question or request it, it is up to the person asking to handle and deal with their own needs and it is up to the person being asked to take care of their self and do what they want/can/ feel inclined to do in same way (i.e., sharing a responsibility or finding a win-win).
Most important, it is up to the person requesting to deal with the answer they receive and decide how to handle it; it is not up to the person declining (whatever is asked) to take on the responsibility for how the person handles it, feels about it, etc. How they feel is their business. Do not take responsibility for someone else's responsibilities. This seems to be how so many are indoctrinated; perhaps it is based on religious beliefs. Whatever or however this happens, it is up to each of us to put our self first so we CAN function - then we take on what we can and want to. Don't let yourself you go with a sinking ship. We are here for each other. gena
Not every friend is able. They might be willing, but not have the foggiest notion what you need. You want a POA who will make wise decisions, one who has good business judgement and/or knows credible professionals to consult when needed.
Don't be upset if a friend declines your request. They may be a good friend but just be uncomfortable with the responsibility. Hopefully you'll be able to choose someone with some qualifications, and with whom you are on good or friendly terms, even if not your closest friend.
That's all you really need to say.