How do I cope with the unexpected arrival of my 90-year-old father-in-law?

I don’t know how you gather strength, but if your marriage is rocky: the last thing your husband should do is bring in his father & then dump it all on you. You should not tolerate this. The old gentleman needs care & love, I understand. But this is his father, not yours, & he should either help or pay for some professional help! His family might step in also?? Put your foot down: realize what you can do & let the entire family know this is what you can manage, period! It’s hard to be strong about who does what for needy family members - but don’t learn the hard way that one person cannot do it all!

hopefully you will get him into assisted-living quickly, but make sure you get him in a facility that also has skilled nursing for when that day arrives. If he runs out of money, you need to make sure you're in a facility that will then continue to care for him under Medicaid. Some facilities will just boot him out when he can't pay anymore and they don't accept Medicaid. Do your research and get advice from one of the state run programs Some facilities will just boot him out when he can't pay anymore and they don't accept Medicaid. Do your research and get advice from one of the state run programs For elder care

Since he is your father-in-law and you're not happy with your marriage, if I were you, I would move away, maybe closer to your children. If you're not around, your husband would have to change his lifestyle to take care of his own father. It sounds to me even if he did get into AL, you would still not be happy there. I don't know how old you are, but I know change is hard and scary. I hope it all works out for the best for all of you.

What has happened to your FIL's application for a care facilitu? Rather than hiding in your room, from the chaos and inyrusion of your FIL's sudden arrival, get involved in helping him choose a residential facility to help speed things up.

You mentioned that your FIL was applying to move to assisted living. Why don't you help him with the research and also take him to visit the places. Get connected with a local social worker and caregiving groups that might also be able to advise him on his options. Hopefully your husband and his father will go along with this.

Wow! I feel like there are 2 victims here, you and your father in law. I cannot imagine being 90 years old, and thrown out of your living situation! This is nothing short of cruel. There is definitely no excuse to do this to a human being, even if he was being a pain in the rump.
Your sis in law has every right to want to move him somewhere else, but to dump him is inexcusable. All I can say is karma is a b****.

As for your situation, allowing this man to live with you is very, very kind of you. God bless your loving heart! This does not allow a carte blanc free for all for his family to visit any time, any day. You deserve to continue with your life as close to normal as possible while having someone else live in your home. The time has come to set boundaries.

There needs to be a clearly defined visitation schedule that fits YOUR schedule. Figure it out, and inform the family. If it does not work for them, they can take over his care. Please do not allow yourself to forget that you are in charge.

Today! Set out on search for assisted living facilities in your area. Just go by yourself, in person. Bring back literature and give it to father-in-law. Tell him he has 30 days left at your house, and you are helping him find the right place. Tomorrow. Do the same thing. Tell him he has 29 days...

How long ago did your parents pass? You mentioned that the situation is bringing back those feelings. Is there a counselor that you can talk to? If you can sort through the grief, then the trapped feelings associated with FIL and rural living, perhaps your outlook on marriage will change. Through my own chaos I've learned that not everything is as it first appears, perspective changes a lot, and I can only change me. I hope that teasing through your life with a trained counselor helps you find your joy.

First tell all family they will call first, and you will decide if and when they can visit. I'd limit them to 2 days a week 1 hr. It is too taxing after that. If they overstay deliberately call the police. Next lock your door!!!!! Stop letting them come and go at random. IT IS YOUR HOUSE. PERIOD! If they still show up uninvited, door stays locked. I wouldn't look out the window, or answer the door, nor answer the phone, or texts. Dont care if the phone rang off the hook. They will get the message. If they have keys, get locks changed.
If you cave on this 1 thing, you have lost everything.
My sister demand to be let into my house after I told her to leave after >2 months. She left, then 1030 at night demanded to be let in. She called the cops. She had to learn the hard way. Stand your ground. Cops can't demand you let anyone in your house, they can remove them tho. Narcs will take it that far. Far more to that story, but you must take a stand or you will be forever everyone's door mat.

2nd why is your husband totally out of the picture on this? He is complicit. Is he hiding by working long hours? Did he tell family ok bring him over? Thinking he would saddle you with this? Who drove him over? After all your an expert at caregiving, and not working. Lots of free time. Did he think he would give you something to do, and save the family $$? You need to set that straight. Pronto. And for those that think how awful you won't help family. This situation was dumped in her lap. She was never asked. Therefore they didn't ever consider her feelings, or her life. Narcs do that. Interesting how the FIL knew exactly which relative's house to go to. I think he was told to show up there. But that's me. I've been around too many narcs. Your feelings/life don't matter. And until you stand up for yourself, no one will. Not even your husband. It also showing children, this is how you treat females. Not a good role model.

Nothing wrong with helping FIL. But family never considered your feelings. They never gave you the opportunity to say I'm willing to do this or that. There is a difference.

3rd you are now charging POA for his caregiving, and living situation. Do not give them a cut in price. 25 an hour x 24 a day. Because they will look at that as a better cheaper option than assisted living. Don't cave on that or you will be 24/7 caregiver. What happens if they say they ran out of money?

Do not waffle on that. You want to make it uncomfortable for the family. You must log everything. How much water, electric, food etc went up. So if you have to take them to small claims court you have it documented. Even if you would never do that, tell them that anyway. It is to scare them into get him to assisted living. You made it so easy and comfortable for them as it is.

Find out who POA is and tell them he's got 2 months to find a place or he will be driven to next of kin's house in an uber. You want to be kept abreast of how things are going on that front. They can update you every 3 days. If they don't, they get a phone call at 8am asking where is he going to live. And a countdown of days. Do this without fail. I'd start filling out info online, and have it sent to their house.

I notice on here the people that don't stand up for themselves are always the ones getting the elderly person deposited with them. So you have got to get a backbone. No one will do it for you. You were told it is temporary, and it will be temporary. They will do their best to intimidate, befriend, ignore, or whatever it takes, to keep him there. It is very convenient for them. They don't care if it turned your life upside down.

Funny, they all came out of the woodwork to visit, after he was safety deposited in your home. Where were they before that???

Sounds like this was planned. And saving $ on his care. They have a built in FREEEEEEE caregiver. YOU.
You need to give a deadline and stick to it. Go visit daughter.

Sharon, you say FIL has house sitting vacant between you and the SIL who brought him to your doorstep. Hire a sleep attendant/caregiver who can spend the night with him. Sometimes one of the aides at local NH or hospital are interested in this kind of arrangement. Or as you suggest, rotating family schedule. Have the lights on a timer or leave a lamp or two on at night, and put in Lots of night lights. Leave the radio on a nice calming station 24/7. Have a big security light installed outside the house and leave it on. He has a phone and he knows how to work it. Sometimes a landline is best. Keep it simple. Call him often and on a schedule. AM and PM. Would he do well with a small pet, like a cat or dog? If you and SIL can see his house from yours, doesn't that offer him some peace of mind? Can you leave a light on at your house that he can see? You can put in the cameras as many have suggested but sometimes the real issue is he needs some companionship. All of these people, family and others who are traipsing through your house can traipse through his. Visitors can Bring him groceries, take him grocery shopping, bring him a meal, or meals delivered to door as it was at SIL, take him out of eat once in a while, take him with to go pick up his meds, or have meds home home delivery, home health care PT, care aide for assistance with bathing and housekeeping 2-3 times per week, pick up his laundry/drop the clean laundry off, the fact that he is close by makes that easier but he is not in your home 24/7, family (grandkid or son or SIL) takes care of his yard on a schedule so that is taken care of. That plus family drop ins can make for a nice schedule of visitors and "company." Is it ideal, no. Does it cover every minute of the day, no. But it sounds better than a NH unless he absolutely needs one. I have some experience with the rural set up and challenges.

do you get along with your father in law - that's the first question? maybe you could tell him it's temporary, bc you did say he was looking into facilities. if you don't see any change in living arrangements, then you will have to speak to your husband and tell him that you will be leaving. you did say you wanted to move away, you also said your marriage was in trouble before all this. you are not being mean, but i year you. enuf is enuf - you will have burnout and everyone else will be around for years! it depends on how much you really want to leave the marriage, then your husband would have to make choices - not you!

@Sharon - as I'm reading through the update you provided in your response to Sendhelp - as gently as I can say this - it feels like your DH threw you under the bus to the family a little bit. You say he sent them all a message explaining why it's not going to work - and then everything after that was why it wouldn't work for you.

Is he onboard with taking over the care of his father and expected you to be the caregiver and just didn't talk to you about it? Or did he just maybe not share his thoughts very eloquently in talking to his family and not mean to make it seem like it's your fault that your family can't take care of his father? Because every bit of that sounds like "Hey *I'd* be more than happy to take care of dad but *Sharon* is not happy you sprung this on her and is not happy about the lack of privacy now". And we all know it would be you taking care of his father, so it wouldn't be that much of a change for him if you were to take care of his father.

So, while its good that things have moved forward, I would watch things very carefully and continue on the path you have started to look for the job and take care of yourself. I feel like this was a good step forward but I would beware of obstacles that may be in the way from 'flying monkeys' intent on his father staying in your home. Even from him. Crossing my fingers for you that they have this meeting and it swings in your favor.

I really hope this doesn't sound harsh, I certainly don't mean to. I just read your response and all I could hear was him saying how things weren't working for you, I didn't hear anything about how they weren't working for him or the kids.

you say you were planning on moving away, is this with out without your husband? I mean if you were planning on moving without him..do it. They can sort the mess. If not, stand your ground, lock doors as others have mentioned. If they kick up a fuss so be it, maybe then your husband will take notice on what is going on. Things will come to a head one way or another.

Tell your husband to take control of his father situation. It’s not your problem and don’t deal with it. Your husband can find his dad a place to live and handle all the siblings. Stay out of it.

Sharonb098: You should establish boundaries. The in laws cannot nor should not be allowed to just walk right into your residence. Just because your FIL's daughter instructed him to leave does not place the responsibility on you. Seek an elder law attorney if need be.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6B0tAn0nrJY&feature=youtu.be

first ..hmm coincidental that sil brought dad to your home after she knew your parents who you had cared for had passed and you were unemployed ..I think not.
next ..do you actually have room for your fil without sacrificing room for your own family? When I was young my grandmother moved in with us , rather than several aunts and uncles who had grown children no longer in their homes . Supposedly she could help with us, but we def did NOT need her. We had a three bedroom ranch and six kids ..so four in one bedroom , my older bro slept on a sofa in finished basement area and my younger bro in a rollaway in my parents room..she had her own room. She was also abusive and constantly yelled at us kids and was derogatory towards our mom. It doesn’t sound like this is the case with your fil.
it sounds like he is self are except for getting some meals delivered. Does he require any actual caregiving , even just transportation for appts? Does he belong to any groups ?
for Your children if it is negatively affecting their lives ..such as having friends over , it is important . Also something to consider if you plan to leave husband or to move away..would your children be okay with that ? I’m not saying their needs are more important but it does need to be considered.
perhaps the largest issue is that he is in main living area of home all day , plus wit all the visitors you are not getting privacy . Make firm rules. One thing ..don’t leave door unlocked ..doesn’t make sense that he can’t stay at his own home due to worry about breakin but can leave your door open for anyone to enter. If your home is big enough you could establish a separate area for him and his visitors or one for yourself ..whichever is best. Also if he does need transport he should be paying costs and extra for time ..your older kids might earn money this way.
are there Senior centers with activities ?.or have in-laws take him to their places instead ..I’d hate to think he would be deprived of socialization . My area is rural but except for Covid there are senior places to go ..plus your could check for churches worh breakfasts or bingo etc. if he is still with it enough he might be able to do volunteer work still.
wondering also..did fil give daughter that land due to an agreement that she was keeping him ..cuz then this should be changed if it has not gone through at least..or his will changed in that regard.
you don’t need to keep him but if you decide to do so..which might be best for him , and only of not disrupting your own family. Also consider that perhaps once you habe this taken care of , perhaps your and husband could have counseling and work out your issues.

Don't answer the door when the doorbell rings.