My in laws have moved in with us, because it became apparent to their daughters that they could not care for themselves. I am OK with taking care of them. But it is frustrating at times because they rely on me for everything. Even things they did for themselves when they lived on their own..(hanging up their phone, looking up phone numbers for them, shopping online for gifts for other family members, finding her a new watch, calling their bank, finding things they have misplaced, etc.) I understand that, but they expect me to drop everything. I am setting boundaries and working through the frustration. The problem is that I was trying to discuss it with my husband (their son), and vent while at the same time state my issues out loud so I can find a solution.. He became so angry and 'threatened' to tell them its not working. He was angry with me!! Of course that made me angry and I said, 'clearly you have no idea the work that goes into this.' He got even angrier. What the hell?? I didn't respond after that. I'm curious as to why he is not superbly grateful that I have agreed to let his parents move in, and I made their space lovely. I cook a beautiful meal for all of us every night. My mother in law is gluten free so that is even more work. I'm confused by his outburst, and by the fact that he 'threatened' to tell them they had to find other arrangements.. Does he think he's doing me a favor by having them here? Did he think I was going to back down and say, "oh please don't do that!" They are not my parents and I've been kind enough to treat them with loving care, and patience. I have worked very hard to make them comfortable and he yells at me? I don't want to cuss but I am feeling like a *&^%$ secretary, cook, house keeper, chauffeur, therapist, and social committee all at once. And to boot, after I was discussing our day, before he freaked out, he said, "just so you know, Im going sailing on Sunday. And I want you to take pictures." EXCUSE ME?????? (And it's Valentines day) #$%@&^*
You: Girls weekend: with your sisters or girlfriends *out of town* with phone off.
Him: Taking care of his parents.
You have worked really hard but you weren’t ready to throw in the towel. You just wanted him to sympathize, to lend an ear if not a hand, That it was too hard for you etc. he didn’t want to listen. Fine for them to be there if you took care of everything but if you wanted anything from him, then let’s get them on their way.
Frustrated, it’s all on you. You are making it all to easy for all three of them to not notice the heavy load they have settled squarely on your shoulders.
Time to take stock. If you don’t want this as your life then put the brakes on.
“ Here’s the camera Hon, Take pictures of me packing my bags and be sure to get me as I drive away for a long weekend.. Be sure to text those over to the sisters to give them a heads up”.
Thank you for the understanding and support!!!!
It sounds to me as though he is stressed by all the work that you are having to do to make life easy for his parents.
I would accept his offer and say "yes, you're right, this is too much work; we need to get our life back."
Find them a lovely Assisted Living facility where they will have numerous staff members to assist them.
You guys can go back to being loving kids and advocates for them.
Believe me when I say thay THAT is a lot of work!
Not that I am advocating for you to take care of them, unless that is something you want to do, deep down. I am referring to your relationship with your husband.
You said your son died. That is dreadful, and I am so sorry for your horrific loss. I can't imagine any pain worse than that of a parent losing a child. It is unnatural for your children to predecease you. Have you and your husband even had a chance to grieve together? Did you end up be the defacto caregivers because people *thought* it would take your minds off your loss? Has your husband always been this selfish, or is he just running from pain that he cannot process or understand?
There is a lot of underlying anger in your posts (and if anyone has the right to be angry, it's you), both on your side and your husband's. His reaction to your complaints about his parents seems to me over the top for the circumstances. It just makes me wonder how long it has been since your son passed. Running away from the pain, trying to ignore it or keep yourself busy enough to not have to deal with it only postpones the healing process. But you have to grieve to get to the healing. If this is misplaced anger on both of your parts to avoid the grief, I really think you need to seek grief counseling - both of you, either together, apart, or both - before you make any major decisions.
I am so sorry you have to go through this, and my prayers are with you and your entire family.
And, yes. This is NOT working for you. Caregiving has to work for ALL parties. YOU are important, too.
Everyone here knows your story all too well. So many of us have pretty much become slaves to an elder care situation. Your husband does not understand this. Based on what you've written here, it sounds to me like he doesn't do any of the caregiving for his parents and thinks that what you're doing isn't hard and that you're just being selfish and complaining. Please put him onto this group. Maybe seeing all of our stories will better explain to him what your life (or should I say lack of) has become because of his elderly parents because so many of us are living in the same situation.
In anger he says he's going to tell his parents they have to make other living and care arrangements. This is supposed to be some kind of threat to you so you'll maintain the status quo in your house of being a slave to his parents in silence? Please. That's ridiculous. When he makes that threat tell him to go right ahead and that you'll come with him.
As for the parents refusing to do even the most basic tasks for themselves. That's something entirely different to be sure. I always say that being a caregiver to family (especially for elderly) must be done on the caregiver's terms. Not the recipients of the care. Otherwise it will always fail.
You allowed the situation to cross over from what was originally supposed to be assisting the elderly parents in a shared home, to an all-inclusive vacation scenario for them where they don't have to be responsible for themselves or any part of their life even though they're able. You home isn't a luxury resort in the Hawaii with hundreds of staff to wait on them hand and foot. This happens all the time. They say with age comes wisdom, and this is true. Elderly folks are masters at manipulation, guilt-tripping, and making a caregiver look like the worst person in the world if every demand and whim they have isn't met immediately by their caregiver, and that caregiver better do it with a smile and be more than happy to do it.
You can change it though. You see the parents every day because they live in your house so you can get an idea of how capable they are at doing for themselves and what they're not capable of anymore.
Then STOP WAITING ON THEM! I can't stress this enough. Make them do for themselves where they can, and most importantly, make them learn to wait. Don't drop what you're doing because mom can't find her watch or because they want the you to call their bank immediately when they want it done. Stop fixing all kinds of special meals for them that you serve up with a smile and fetching them anything they want the second they want it. Most importantly, make them learn to wait or do without if it's a ridiculous demand. That's not helping and taking care of their needs that they can take care of themselves anymore. That is spoiling and you're paying the price for it now.
Elderly often have a lot in common with children and have to be dealt with in much the same way. When you wait in a child hand and foot and cater to their every whim they turn into spoiled, ingrate, entitled brats who think the whole world owes them. The same applies to many elderly as well.
Make them do for themselves where they're able to by refusing to do it for them. Make them help out in the house as well (where they are able to). Give them chores like cleaning up after themselves, folding the own laundry or washing the dishes after dinner if they can. Make mom look for her own watch for a while before you step up and help her. If they or your husband don't like it, then too bad.
Maybe you should book yourself a week at that luxury resort in Hawaii I mentioned. Tell your husband you're going on vacation.
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