I have been caring for my boyfriend's mom since May 2022 and I NEVER agreed to do this. In 2019, my boyfriend's mom was in and out of the hospital for back pain. For months they focused on her kidneys. Unfortunately, it was a spinal infection that caused her spine to collapse and now she's a paraplegic. She was in the hospital for a few months and then transferred to the nursing home where she was noncompliant and verbally abusive to the staff. On May 1st, her sister brought her home and then left a week later. We only get a nurse twice a week for an hour and a bath aide twice a week. They stopped physical therapy because she isn't going to be able to meet her goal of being able to transfer. She doesn't have control of her bowels and doesn't have a colostomy, which I feel she needs. We have always had a very strained relationship and she has made it known that she doesn't like me and hasn't for the entirety of the 15 years her son and I have been together. After her sister left, my boyfriend moved into her house, leaving me with our 3 children. He sleeps there at night, but if she needs care through the night, he calls me and I have to walk over and take care of her. Throughout the daytime hours, my boyfriend works and I am with her, so are the kids. I can't leave the house to shop or even allow my children to have extracurricular activities because she can't be left alone. Two weeks into caring for her, the doctor started two IV antibiotics that I became responsible for administering, I have ZERO medical training and I'm extremely uncomfortable with this. I also have a hard time transferring her with the hoyer because it's on carpet. Three weeks ago, she had to go to the hospital and they added in a 24hr IV of Lasik that has to be monitored. I told the hospital that I couldn't take care of her while she was still doing the IVs because it makes me uncomfortable performing that kind of care. I found a suitable nursing home for her for the 6-week duration of the IVs. Problem is, I don't want her to come home. I feel that her disability requires more care than I can provide and her family is unwilling to help, even though they were the ones who brought her home and dumped her on us. It's becoming a financial strain on our family and my children now resent their grandma because they can't have friends over and they can't do extracurricular activities this year. In addition, my relationship with her son is falling apart. How do I gracefully bow out? Is there any way to do so and spare my 15-year relationship? Am I in the wrong for wanting to put myself and my children first? Is putting my mental and physical health first?
Just adding for clarification that I only started caring for her because I was told by the nursing home she was released from that if I didn't take care of her that I could be charged criminally for neglect and abandonment.
l wonder why some home health services are not involved in the home IV situation and extended home care. Her family dumped her when they left so took total advantage of you. So WRONG. In addition, the mother should be paying you for any medical supplies and groceries as that is a financial burden on your family. Son needs to be honest upfront with his mother about that spending IMO.
Sadly, it sounds like this will have a bad ending with an ER visit - but that might make it final for everyone.
Pack up your 3 children and take off for a week; go spend some time at a nice hotel with a pool where the 4 of you can have a well deserved vacation. Then your b/f will find out for himself what all is involved with the care and management of his mother and he'll make a decision in short order w/o YOU having to say ONE word or do ONE thing.
That is my suggestion. You don't have to get all up in his face and issue ultimatums or anything. You are trying to be a decent human being here, is what it boils down to, and not getting anywhere for your trouble. Of course the social workers and hospital people will tell you all lies and that 'things will get better/easier' when we all know they WILL NOT. 65 is not too 'young' to be placed in a nursing home IF the level of care required is at this stage, being a paraplegic! It was a sad thing that happened to her, but it's not your problem to solve, nor is it up to your b/f to care for her either. She belongs in managed care and the best way for her son to realize that is for HIM to be saddled with her care 24/7 for a good long period of time.
Where is your own mother in all of this?
Do you have a relationship with her?
Would it be helpful to you to bring in some of your own family to counsel you, and help you become unstuck from this manipulation by others?
Have your children gone back to school yet?
Do they have other grandparents that they could stay with, away from this oppressive environment?
Can you get a break, so you can take a breath, and start thinking this through?
Have you made any plans to take charge of your situation, or are you still afraid?
I can understand how it is you may have become so stuck during this pandemic, just trying to get through. Just do not stay stuck.
I see. So MIL is holding you & her son hostage to provide her care.
This is a clear example of FOG : Fear Obligation Guilt being used to manipulate.
I think of it as a survival instinct - driven by fear - MIL's fear of a NH & loss of control.
* How to move from servitude to freedom?
* To move from dependant to independent?
OK, you are probably not royal (me neither), but Harry & Megan come to mind... renting elsewhere maybe tough but necessary for your freedom.
This will move you from being MIL's servants to her ADVOCATES.
Go together, BF, kids & you. As a UNITED family. Start looking for a new rental.
Explain you want to go all together - but you WILL go alone (taking the kids) if you have to.
I know it kind of sounds like asking BF to choose between his Mom OR you+kids...
But another way to phrase it, is resetting his *responsibilities*.
His Mom is responsible for her own care, not him. (Not unless he is her legally appointed Guardian. In which case he must *arrange* her care - not provide it with his own hands).
It is time he said "Mom. No".
Soften it with "Mom I love you but I cannot do that" if he wishes.
Look into how long it will take for her to evict you, individually, if you stop paying rent. You never should have used your money to pay her personal bills. If you need a new rental for your family, you will need money for the move, for the deposit, and maybe utility deposits. Withholding rent may be your best chance of recouping your savings for these expenses.
See if you can get access to counseling; for yourself and another for your relationship. It may be salvageable or it may not be; the issues that ruled out marriage are not new.
Use it to move yourself and your children out of this morass.
Stay at a hotel or AirBnB and look for a rental.
No man who allows his family to treat you like this is worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. He is a user.
You are not trained, let alone certified for this most extreme of senior challenges. She could get hurt. You could get hurt. Hey, even your children could get hurt.
This is a huge risk. Your bf cannot risk the physical safety of all including mom because she cries.
There are only two safe choices here.
Mom gets 247 aides from a nursing registry. Or she goes into a nh indefinitely.
"The problem is all inside your head," she said to me
"The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover"
She said, "It's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude"
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover
[Chorus]
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free.
Plus, it could also be used for BF to break up with his Mom!
That way he gets to KEEP his partner & kids 😃.
Some big scissors to cut the apron strings & the will to do it!
Just cut the string, Jim..
ForcedCaregiver, you write: "We have talked about it many times and during those conversations he agrees with me, until he starts telling her that we can't handle it and then she cries and he folds. I know it's because he loves her "
But here's the thing -- he loves her more than he loves you. Period. If this wasn't the case, he would have stopped this ridiculous situation by now.
October 1 is the day you have to work towards to change your situation. Tell me something, though...do you actually think you are going to take a stand and draw a line in the sand? Will you continue to be the caregiving slave after October 1, and even in the middle of the night rush over to change BF's mommy's diapers because BF is too good to do THAT?
I am sensing that you are not going to make any changes. I hope I'm wrong.
The OP, Forced Caregiver, has said this:
"Thank you. I always try to ignore hurtful things but I came here for support and instead I feel like crap. I have never been one to stand up for myself and it's because I don't like confrontation, I think that's how I landed myself in this situation. I have taken some of the advice given to me already and I am so grateful for the supportive comments and even the not so nice ones as well. They made me realize how others see me and now I am going to do what I have to do to take control over my life. I guess saying I'm completely dependent on him is a lie, I have a personal savings and a trust fund as well. I just lack any kind of support system and I thought this community would help with that."
Maybe the OP will be able to make changes. I am aware that some women can be stuck in a toxic domestic relationship and need help to break free.
Maybe if she cannot extricate herself from this toxic mess, she could call CPS (child protective services) and have her children taken out for their own protection? Extreme? Maybe her mothering instinct is about to kick in?
Has anyone mentioned ForcedCaregiver that there may come a day or a week when you are too ill to do any caregiving?
You would not try to use your own children to care give his Mother, would you? Forcing your children to do what you are suffering from doing? Wouldn't that count as child abuse? Leads to calling CPS.
If it is domestic abuse, there are emergency shelters for you and the children.
Is that why Forced Caregiver is stuck?
You ask how to "tactfully" tell your BF that you can't take care of his mother any more....
Obviously tact has been lost on him.
Forget the tactful approach and flat out say..
"I can no longer do this." "Don't ask me to care for her"
Listen Forcedcaregiver. I'm going to tell you straight. Stop lamenting about how hard your situation. A trust-fund baby is not likely to find much sympathy here or anywhere else in the world.
Take your kids and the money that your trust fund pays to you and find a new home for yourself and family. It's not like you have to actually work to pay for any of it.
Or you're a troll who's just on the forum for ***ts and giggles.
Maybe the problem is the aunts. This couple may need to get around the aunts-the boyfriend's mother's sisters who signed papers, and brought her home, then left.
Looking more closely-they signed the papers, brought her home, then left......
The OP is looking into that, I think.
Reading that again, those are the actions that could and should be construed as a criminal negligent action. Her sisters, the sisters of the boyfriend's mother.
His Aunts.
If you are not a troll, OP, please hang in there! Now that you do have some caregivers wanting to look out for you, but they themselves are hard-pressed to stay with this, wondering just how this all came to be, and wondering how all this is continuing.
How do you feel about the false threats by the NH saying that it is you who could be charged with neglect? Do you have an attorney?
They will refuse or will give her papers that contain her signature, forged by the aunts.
The only solution is that OP has another talk with boyfriend and tells him she will no longer help with caring for his mother if she returns home in October. That diaper changes, administering of meds, etc are all on him and he will have to do it all or hire people to come in (paid for by mom of course).
As for not getting married because yoy want to keep your last name since you are the only one left in your family. What happens when you die? The name will die with you so it doesnt really matter. I wonder if the kids have his last name or your last name.
It seems like this is some sort of trap that you've fallen into with this person. Let me see if I understand this situation correctly, you are not married to her son, but you are expected to take care of his mother?
Also, I'm trying to wrap my brain around this nonsense the NH fed you about negligence if you don't assume responsibility for someone you didn't sign out of the NH.
I got railroaded in a situation with my younger disabled sister where I got accused of all sorts of evil things. The people who did the finger pointing did not lift one finger in helping me during those three years I was saddled with this responsibility. My dad went off with his affair partner/ wife and new family while I struggled with this situation with my sister on down to having her placed in a group home.
I had a situation similar to this where I was expected to step in for my older sister. It didn't happen. This woman did absolutely nothing for me.
It's not uncommon in a homecare setting for a family member to be instructed by a visiting nurse or one in the facility if their 'loved one' is in managed care administer a pre-measured injection into an IV. This is taught because the person may need the med at certain times when a visiting nurse isn't available. Families are also taught how to use and clean a feeding tube. How to change ostomy items and keep these areas clean is also taught. I've seen these things taught and done them many times myself.
Believe me and you would know this yourself having done homecare, no one expects the OP or anyone else in the home to put in an IV line for the mother.
The nursing home lie about threatening abandonment and neglect with possible criminal charges is likely true. Though, these threats would have been made to the woman's family not the OP. The OP and the mother are not related. They do not live in the same house. The OP stated that she and her family do not live with the mother. They live (and pay rent) for a house owned by her. So Forcedcaregiver is a tenant.
I believe the family brought the grandmother home and expected the Forcedcaregiver to take care of her because she doesn't work and is nearby. People think if there's an unemployed woman around that she's available if anyone needs child or elder care. Say no and refuse. I did.
The only way Forcedcaregiver could get in any kind of trouble for not doing for the mother, is if she signed paperwork accepting responsibility for her care.
"I have taken some of the advice given to me already and I am so grateful for the supportive comments and even the not so nice ones as well. They made me realize how others see me and now I am going to do what I have to do to take control over my life. I guess saying I'm completely dependent on him is a lie,
I have a personal savings and a trust fund as well.
I just lack any kind of support system and I thought this community would help with that."
She has a trust fund but no one ever taught her how to say " no, I can't possibly do this."
OP, what are you afraid will happen? Take your children. Leave.
Be sure they have your number and let them know they are to call you if anybody tries to volunteer your services and if anyone tries to say that you are going to be the caregiver they need to contact you and verify if this is true because it is not true now and never will be!
I will also add that you are paying rent and paying for her supplies. You are in essence PAYING for the honor to wipe her butt and take care of her! You are slave labor! There are countless threads on this forum of people who have made a deal to be a live-in caregiver for free rent and it is total BS and equates to about a dollar an hour (or less) in wages if anyone does the math.
I promise you if you go get a spinal transplant and stand firm and your BF has to change three sets of depends and wipe her butt three times he will have a change of heart!
Time to get angry!
Time to name & shame!
Then use this anger-energy towards CHANGE!!!
Even polite, peace-keeping, non-confrontational personalities can wield power, oh yes!
Dorothy just clicked her heels didn't she? 👠👠 Had the power all along but just didn't know it...
I wonder if the nursing home told you that you could be charged with abandonment if you didn’t take care of her as an attempt to keep her at the nursing home, WHERE SHE BELONGS!!!!
Hospital and SNF social workers piss me off! It seems their job is to send the patient home at all costs. I cannot tell you how many times hospital social workers have tried to coerce me into taking care of an elderly relative whose son and grandchildren didn’t want to do a damn thing to take care of her.
Putting all the other things aside, you are going to injure your back taking care of this woman!
Forced Caregiver Freed.
Cast:
- 2 Aunts
- The 'Good Son' (BF)
- ForcedCaregiver (the OP)
- Grandmother (MIL, or BF's Mom as you prefer)
Grandmother got old & ill.
The Aunts poked their beaks in & decided NH was out & that The Good Son & OP should do all the hand's on.
** This is NOT their decision to make (& never will be) **
The Aunts may well fear a NH - they may think a son should do all the care. Whatevs to what they think! Their *thoughts* are not summons to be obeyed. Aunts need to stay in their place ie visiting relatives that care.
Grandmother decides to live in her home, not NH. This IS her decision (unless demented). She needs care, day, evening or both. She wants only The Good Son & OP. This is NOT up to her to dictate. That would be slavery. Grandmother needs to face facts. If she needs care - she arranges care from the options available. If that means paid carers at home or a NH, so be it.
The Good Son can offer hands-on care provided by HIMSELF but not for others, including the OP. She is a separate person & has the right to choose for herself. Again, otherwise slavery.
Chapter One:
Selfish.
Let's peel back that onion.
Is the OP selfish? For beginning to get resentful? For wanting to cease this ongoing, increasing task? For trying to put her own children first? For wanting to sleep in her own bed?
Or is this *reasonable*?
Is the BF selfish? For wanting the OP to caregive, lose sleep & wipe etc so he appear as The Good Son? So he can avoid the uncomfortable conversation of saying No to his Mom?
Are the Aunts selfish? For same? Wanting the son to do the caregiving while they appear The Great Caring Sisters. You betcha!
Is Grandmother selfish? For it is appears she cares NOT about the needs of her Son, OP or her own grandchildren as long as she has round the clock care.
Please let this be the takeaway: don't ever put up with being called SELFISH without pulling it apart to examine fully.
That word is weaponised to manipulate.
OK, he could sue for custody but how would he win, visitation yes....but again with all his responsibilities how would he even have time for that? You are making an unpleasant situation into a dire circumstance and quite frankly it isn't. You have the means to easily leave. Either your BF comes with you or he doesn't. What exactly is the problem?
However, there are things op can do.
im assuming after 15 years and 3 kid you love your boyfriend. And all these “LEAVE HIM” comments aren’t helpful
anyone telling you to get a full time job right now has no clue what’s involved in getting 2 kids to/from school, and have them home all summer. They have no clue the cost of childcare (for 2!). Mixin clothes for work, car, gas etc and…well it hard to break even. Lord help you if kids get sick
ok soooo. I totally get being in situations that start to avalanche, and even taking one step is tough
so.
1. Find out who/how/when made you the caregiver on any paperwork. Then revoke it. Don’t need to tell anyone beforehand
2. Tell BF you love him/or you don’t, but you cannot and will not continue. I like suggestion of a deadline
”as of 10/1 (or any date WITHIN 6-8 WEEKS) I’m no longer doing this. It’s ruining my life, health,relationship, kids lives, our money).
DONT BACK DOWN
3. Go WITH him to tell Mom. next steps are up to HIM and HER. Aunties can be told AFTER. By HIM. Don’t leave it for Mom to spin her tale of woe
4. Start looking for somewhere to move. He can go, or not. Tell him she can sell property to use $$ for HER care. Go tour places to live, find out what paperwork is required, rent prepay. Then tell BF he has 30 days then you’re taking step to go. Then start packing to show you mean it
5. Furniture/home goods etc can be found for next to nothing on apps Next Door, Facebook Marketplave, Goodwill, etc. if you can’t afford stuff, don’t be ashamed, stuff is out there.
one step at a time. But you’ve gotta be brave and stand up for yourself. Right. Now.
Isn't this just a different way of telling the OP to "leave him"?
Demand that they show up because you have quit being their patsy.
They have 24 hrs. to show up or take/transport her back to the NH.
It doesn't matter what names they call you.
This situation is destroying you personally, your children, and your relationships.
Then call APS yourself, and report them for neglect.
Wow, I don't even know if this will work, but trying to make a point:
1) You have been talking to the wrong people.
2) The time for talking has passed.