How do I tactfully tell my boyfriend that I can't take care of his mother anymore?

How can you be charged with neglect, when you are not even married to this guy? The mom is not your responsibility, she is your boyfriend's (and his family's) responsibility.

Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like a slave?

Get out NOW, or you'll end up stuck there forever.

Do it honestly. Just as you said it here on this forum. Your boyfriend needs to understand this. Or place her in a home. If she is currently in the hospital you can tell them u cant bring her home. You are not equipped to care for her. A social worker at the hospital can guide you. Your boyfriend has to be onboard with this.

I lost everything caring for my Mom. Job, relationship, freedom etc. Its been 8 yrs now. Im her daughter. In the end, I knew I cannot expect anyone else to committ to her care. I also could not place her in a nursing home. I had the opp to do so. Know your limits. Sounds like you do. If he loves you, he will understand that placing her care with you is really his responsibility. Dont feel guilty at all.

Never take her back when she is in the hospital. Block that one. Send her back to the nursing home, where they have TRAINED staff to take care of her. You are not trained in that level of care. You have to get a backbone. Your bf is not caring for her. He sends for you. I would refuse to care for her when he is with her. He is right there, he can do it. You need to get a backbone or you will cont to be walked on.

You have to get a backbone and say enough is enough. You refuse.
And if bf brings her back, it will be the sole responsibility of him. He will hire all staff to care for her 24/7. Period. Your done.
Were you consulted, or just told you are taking care of her? Here she is. You are responsible for not saying no.
Were you trained on a hoyer lift? You can sheer someone's skin off if you don't know what you are doing, and the person is not situated properly in the harness.

You have to turn an elderly person every 2 hours. There are ways to do it using mult pillows, and proper body placement. Who taught you that? Probably no one. Who taught you what to look for on the skin if his mom starts to develop pressure sores? There are things to watch for, and that must be caught early. The skin can look pink, but underneath it can be dying, and blood pooling. And once they start, they need a nurse to treat. Or else they can get worse very fast. Will your bf blame you when she gets pressure sores? And the probability of her getting them, is very high. I'd say I'm not going to be responsible for giving her pressure sores. That is a very serious complication, and a very real probability given her medical condition.
There is increased risk of uti's, and muscle atrophy, blood clots, and contracture. Do you know signs of a uti, or how to stop a contracture? You are not trained on this level of care. I'd say I'm not going to be responsible for that. It's to much.
The sister and bf can not just deposit her in the home, and let you do everything. Say no more. It requires to much skilled nursing care, which you are not trained in! And the stress of not knowing what you are doing, and the constant care is too much.

If your bf didn't discuss this with you, you have a pretty crappy bf.
And bringing in help 2 times a week is not enough. He goes over and sleeps there. Does he turn her every 2 hours, even at night? Sets an alarm and gets up every 2 hours to turn her in the night? I bet he doesnt wake up at all. Sleeps right thru the night.
Why does he call you over if she needs something? He is right there? That is beyond lazy. And you go! So you are responsible. Stop doing that. So he watches TV, eats, and goes to sleep. And he considers that caring for her. It isnt. That isnt caring for someone. That is just checking from a distance. He is also responsible for letting her get bed sores, and uti's bc if he's not changing her at night, he is responsible for skin scald and break down from letting her sit in soiled briefs for 8hrs or more. He cannot say he is caring for her, if he's not doing those things. He is not caring for her and calls you. Refuse to go over there.
You need to get a backbone. Your bf is using you if he didn't consult you on her care. He isn't even caring for her when he is there, and your allowing that. It can only change if you refuse. Sure he will get mad. HE wants you to have 2 full time jobs. He isn't doing any caring. He's relaxing.
You have to put your foot down. He will be very mad, but who cares. He's not a baby and doesn't get his way. And he will be even sorry-er when you 2 are separated, and he gets visitation and he has to do all her caring, AND has the kids. And yea I'd go there if need be. She needs a level of care you are not skilled in. Good luck.

There are so many responses below I just didn’t read them all so if you have engaged more I missed it. I. Going to take the position that while your boyfriend isn’t helping, exactly, he too was kind of thrown into this. It sounds as though his sister is the one who either didn’t have the backbone or understanding of what she was doing by bringing her mother home and then experiencing it dumped it on your family. Probably easier to do since you live next door? Where does the sister live? Are there other siblings involved and has anyone been appointed POA or medical representative, is someone in charge of communication with doctors or is his mother in charge and her children jumping through hoops to do what she demands rather than what she needs and avoid a confrontation with mom? It sounds to me like no one is really talking to each other and planning, getting on the same page, you are all just avoiding the real problem and making due. For you this has to start with you and your boyfriend and while she is in rehab is the time to get this ball rolling because your right she shouldn’t come home unless she has the money for paid full time home care. So if I were you I would find a time, quickly, when the kids are occupied or asleep to just tell him what’s going on with you and the kids. Tell him his children are resenting their grandmother and you don’t want that to be their memory. Tell him her needs are simply more than you can provide, you have been very uncomfortable being responsible for some of the things you are asked to do and terrified of having her life in your hands. It’s hard enough being responsible for her comfort but her life? You simply can’t take care of two households, three kids and an invalid who doesn’t like you to begin with (I assume he knows this) and it isn’t fair to the kids. Her care prevents them from activities, your attention because you are basically watch ing them not being a part of their lives since moms care is the focus of your attention and last but far from least they don’t get any of his focus and time or “family” time. Tell him you know it’s been hard on him too and now with Mom in rehab seems like the time to talk this out and come up with what you all can and can’t provide so that you are all on the same page while discussing the next step options with her medical team (the nursing home). This time you all need to be realistic about how much better she’s going to get and her real care needs, what you can all safely provide and what you can’t. Then present a united front when Mom is included in these meetings and discussions. You need to support each other, back each other up and know that Mom is probably not going to like it and try to manipulate things her way but you need to stick to your guns. The nursing home/rehab can’t let her go home without the proper care and without her family agreeing to provide that she has a problem if she wants to go home. You can agree to help with lots of things just not actually the hands on care or footing any bills for it, make your line in the sand clear and why, don’t deviate. If anyone gives in, like her daughter last time, they take on the sole responsibility no one should do anything they didn’t agree to or agree to anything because someone else put them in that position. That goes for all three of you and you need to support each other on this throughout.

I kind of mixed things together there, have the discussion with your BF first and then together with his sister so you and BF are on the same page when talking to sister and the three of you know where you stand when having these discussions with Mom and the care team. None of these should start with or include accusatory language, what has happened has happened and you each learned from it so you now know what you really can and can’t do. You all want what is best for mom and what works best for your families so go I to it supporting first your BF and then together his sister not blaming. G luck

Dear Forcedcargiver,

My heart goes out to you and your boyfriend. You both have tried your best and to do what you both believe was the "right" thing. I can see how this whole situation all gradually slipped into play and that neither you nor your boyfriend chose for this to happen. Your question was how to tactfully tell your boyfriend that you cannot take care of his mother any longer. You don't deserve anyone to tell you to get married, get a job and take the kids, that wasn't your question.

I hope by now, you realize that you cannot be charged criminally for neglect. Nursing homes say all kind of crazy things, typically for their own interest. I was once told that I could be turned into Adult Protective if I TOOK my mom home. My mom was a sweetheart who would have been private pay. They liked her and would have been thrilled to take her cash! I brought her home and turned the worker into the director who apologized for the idiot. Your boyfriend's momma was probably a pain in the "you know where" for them and they wanted her out. Now things are different, and YOU need HER out, and it sounds like, from what I'm reading, that boyfriend is also realizing this is not working. So NOW is when the two of you need to unite and stand strong so boyfriend doesn't cave again when momma turns on the waterworks once she finds out she cannot go home. Momma needs to begin grieving her own physical loss and stay at the SNF. She sounds like a nasty lady, but, honestly, to be in her shape at age 65 is a very sad thing. Perhaps the facility social worker can help find a therapist who will come in to begin doing some psychotherapy with her.

In my opinion, going in "loaded for bear" when talking to boyfriend isn't the best approach. If he is your partner in life, you need to work as partners. You need to be honest that you cannot do this, and, yes, you WILL not do this. Then you need to stand your ground. With some people, you just need to be "black and white" not "gray" when you talk. You know what to say, but say it in love. Now, I could be reading this all incorrectly, and perhaps you want out of the relationship, if that is the case, disregard what I said! LOL

Also unless she has unlimited financial resources, she will need to private pay until she meets Medicaid resource threshold and then a lien goes on the house. So since you rent your home from her, you need to be prepared for the ramifications of that. You and boyfriend will have to start making some decisions about that.

Finally, it seems very sad to me to think about the kids resenting their grandmother. Her placement in the SNF can improve this relationship. The kiddos need to live their lives, participate in school activities and have the right to live in a home environment free of this turmoil! Hopefully, once she permanently moves in to the nursing home, the kids can visit regularly, along with you folks. Often kids enjoy visiting nursing homes. I used to take my students to a nearby nursing home, and they loved it. It also taught them very valuable life lessons.

Good luck, best wishes, and please let us all know how things work out!

Sounds like she needs nursing home care..personally I would say NO. Talk to the social worker. Sadly if he insists then your choice is do the job or separate from him. It ultimately is his choice. Good Luck.

You got a lot of great advice. Please make sure you stay strong and refuse to let yourself be used and abused by this family. You need to put your kids first and do what is best for them and for yourself.

Keep us posted. This post is getting a lot of attention because I think we all feel a sense of outrage on your behalf.

I know it’s not inexpensive, but you need to consult an elder attorney/estate planning attorney immediately (while she’s in the nursing home) to strategize how to transition into a long term placement and literally never come home. They can also advise how you can use Medicaid for her placement instead of draining your boyfriends funds.

No way someone who needs 24 hour care including iv should be home unless you have the funds for 24 hour nursing.

Never let her come home!!! Please get your ducks in a row while she’s away - attorney!!!!!!!

Like others… I thought only a professional provider can touch an IV.

I think a cholostomy is only done when a person can’t move their bowels, so that might not be possible.

The nursing home can not officially say you can be charged with neglect if you are not related or under a contract to care for her. Your boyfriend and his family… may could be charged. You are not neglecting her if you call APS to evaluate her situation and if need be they will step in to assure her safety and if necessary charge whoever should be responsible.

If you decide to stay in this situation, if it were me I would request having my name on a Healthcare POA so you can be more involved in the decisions… however, this would probably open yourself up for being charged for neglect if true neglect ever happens.

Hello you just let your boyfriend know and his mother you cannot anymore. You don’t need to give them reasons and feel guilty you sacrificed your life there is nothing wrong of wanting to stop being her caregiver. Her son needs to step up to the plate and if you and him go your separate ways then he doesn’t care about your feelings at all.

Forcedcaregiver,

IV management required skilled nursing care. Boyfriend's mother needs to be in a nursing home, and his mother was never your responsibility.

Every bit of this responsibility falls on your boyfriend. That is where you need to begin this conversation....with him. You need to tell him that it is a full time job taking care of his three children and you will not continue to take care of his mom. She needs more care than either of you can offer. You don't give much info on her financial situation, but you did say she has a house. If she goes into a nursing home, the house will need to be sold because it is an asset. That is probably why your boyfriend doesn't want her to go to a nursing home. He wants her to stay home and die in place so he can inherit the house.

The muddy part of this situation in my opinion is that you are not married to the father of your children and you don't have a job to support yourself or the three children. If he is the bread winner and supporting all of you, I fear you don't really have a voice. On top of that, if your boyfriends name is on the house you are living in, and your boyfriend inherits the house his mom is in, you're doing all the work and are entitled to none of it.

I could never be that vulnerable to someone. Is there a reason you never married? That piece of paper would give you some claim to assets. Without it you are just working for free while your boyfriend and his mom own everything.

I guess my suggestion is to have a very blunt conversation with your boyfriend. If he is not willing to protect you and the children with good decisions, then you need to get a job and become self sufficient and leave. He will be forced to hire full time care for her or place her in a nursing home. And he will have to pay child support.

you have got to be kidding - why are you putting up with this situation leave

Your life has been overwhelming and you should be proud of yourself for doing such a good job with everything, thus far. Few people would have been willing to do all that you have for as long as you have. You need to make choices that will bring you happiness for your future.

You asked how you should tell your boyfriend. Why don’t you show him what you posted here? Don’t bother with the answers from all the strangers, all that matters is how you feel. Your boyfriend may be so bogged down with his emotions and pure exhaustion that he hasn’t taken the time to consider the impact on you.

Your boyfriend has taken on the responsibility for his mother and you can walk away if you want. No one could blame you if you have had enough.

There are no wrong answers. This is your life and you only have one.

You are quite susceptible to all manner and kinds of exploitation, allowing yourself to be used by everyone. The answer to your problem is simple. Apply on line and get a job! Dump your boyfriend and his whole family, walk away and don’t ever come back.

Your boyfriend’s mother belongs in a nursing home but that is not your concern. Your goal is self care, gainful employment and a less chaotic life for the three children you bore by a man to whom you are not married. Your children deserve a lot better life than what you have settled for.

I am not sure what country you live in - but here in Australia it is illegal to give IV drips unless you are a registered nurse or Doctor. How on earth could you be charged with criminal neglect or abandonment. Personally - I would probably first of all get LEGAL advice on those things. I would also think VERY CAREFULLY about the situation you are in. Sometimes because we are so madly in love with someone we just want to please them - BUT is your boyfriend REALLY CONSIDERING YOU???? Best wishes to you. Love and hugs.

It is your boyfriends responsibility to take care of his mother. Don't continue doing this if it is such a burden, let him find someone else. If he would leave you because of this, imaybe you are beter off without him.

Your boyfriend's mother needs to be in a nursing facility but instead they are using you. Is anyone cashing in on her social security benefits? That might be one reason they want her to stay in the house. I experienced something similar years ago and it was a terrible situation. My mom needed to be in a facility but one of my siblings fought it because he wanted to cash in on her SS and credit cards by keeping her in a hospital bed at home much of the time lying in her own urine. It was such a relief when she finally passed away. I was forced to take care of her and I wasn't capable. The thing I regret the most is I should have insisted that she be taken care of in a clean facility like the hospice nurses wanted to do. I suggest be assertive! Don't destroy your life and take away the joy of your kid's life by taking care of someone who is not your responsibility

That last statement is BS! She is your BF’s responsibility. It’s one thing for you to help, another to give your life over to it. He’d better hire some help FAST. You are not responsible for her: HE IS!!

I feel really sad if Forced-Caregiver is actually in a Forced-To-Go or not position.

To have to seriously consider moving out, taking the kids, leaving a long term partner due to.. what? Him not saying No to his Mom?

Come on MR.ForcedCaregiver - Man UP!!

Mr, are you really willing to LOSE your family to avoid Mom's tantrum?

Well from your post it looks like BF has already moved in with his mom. Leaving you and the kids alone. And i do agree that your trust may not pay you much.. but it's better than nothing. Move on, and look into services for yourself and the kids, and find a job that pays. There is help for childcare, insurance, etc. I have a friend who put herself through nursing school with the help of social services.

Unfollowing this thread.

If you must keep talking and doing nothing to get help to improve your own situation, call the aunts who took her out of the NH and brought her home.

Demand that they show up because you have quit being their patsy.
They have 24 hrs. to show up or take/transport her back to the NH.

It doesn't matter what names they call you.
This situation is destroying you personally, your children, and your relationships.

Then call APS yourself, and report them for neglect.

Wow, I don't even know if this will work, but trying to make a point:
1) You have been talking to the wrong people.
2) The time for talking has passed.

So many great answers! In a nutshell, remove the word "tactfully" then proceed with telling your boyfriend that you can't take care of his mother anymore. Repeat as needed.

Let’s all take a breath

im assuming after 15 years and 3 kid you love your boyfriend. And all these “LEAVE HIM” comments aren’t helpful

anyone telling you to get a full time job right now has no clue what’s involved in getting 2 kids to/from school, and have them home all summer. They have no clue the cost of childcare (for 2!). Mixin clothes for work, car, gas etc and…well it hard to break even. Lord help you if kids get sick

ok soooo. I totally get being in situations that start to avalanche, and even taking one step is tough

so.
1. Find out who/how/when made you the caregiver on any paperwork. Then revoke it. Don’t need to tell anyone beforehand

2. Tell BF you love him/or you don’t, but you cannot and will not continue. I like suggestion of a deadline
”as of 10/1 (or any date WITHIN 6-8 WEEKS) I’m no longer doing this. It’s ruining my life, health,relationship, kids lives, our money).
DONT BACK DOWN

3. Go WITH him to tell Mom. next steps are up to HIM and HER. Aunties can be told AFTER. By HIM. Don’t leave it for Mom to spin her tale of woe

4. Start looking for somewhere to move. He can go, or not. Tell him she can sell property to use $$ for HER care. Go tour places to live, find out what paperwork is required, rent prepay. Then tell BF he has 30 days then you’re taking step to go. Then start packing to show you mean it

5. Furniture/home goods etc can be found for next to nothing on apps Next Door, Facebook Marketplave, Goodwill, etc. if you can’t afford stuff, don’t be ashamed, stuff is out there.

one step at a time. But you’ve gotta be brave and stand up for yourself. Right. Now.

Ive known trust funds that have disbursed 10k or less in a year. Certainly the presence of one doesn’t mean op is ready to support a family of four.

However, there are things op can do.

After seeing that there is a trust fund I don't see a problem here at all. Find a place that you can move into by October 1. BF can come with you or not. You have the means to support yourself so why are you staying in a miserable situation???

OK, he could sue for custody but how would he win, visitation yes....but again with all his responsibilities how would he even have time for that? You are making an unpleasant situation into a dire circumstance and quite frankly it isn't. You have the means to easily leave. Either your BF comes with you or he doesn't. What exactly is the problem?

The Sequal:
Forced Caregiver Freed.

Cast:
- 2 Aunts
- The 'Good Son' (BF)
- ForcedCaregiver (the OP)
- Grandmother (MIL, or BF's Mom as you prefer)

Grandmother got old & ill.
The Aunts poked their beaks in & decided NH was out & that The Good Son & OP should do all the hand's on.
** This is NOT their decision to make (& never will be) **

The Aunts may well fear a NH - they may think a son should do all the care. Whatevs to what they think! Their *thoughts* are not summons to be obeyed. Aunts need to stay in their place ie visiting relatives that care.

Grandmother decides to live in her home, not NH. This IS her decision (unless demented). She needs care, day, evening or both. She wants only The Good Son & OP. This is NOT up to her to dictate. That would be slavery. Grandmother needs to face facts. If she needs care - she arranges care from the options available. If that means paid carers at home or a NH, so be it.

The Good Son can offer hands-on care provided by HIMSELF but not for others, including the OP. She is a separate person & has the right to choose for herself. Again, otherwise slavery.

Chapter One:
Selfish.

Let's peel back that onion.

Is the OP selfish? For beginning to get resentful? For wanting to cease this ongoing, increasing task? For trying to put her own children first? For wanting to sleep in her own bed?

Or is this *reasonable*?

Is the BF selfish? For wanting the OP to caregive, lose sleep & wipe etc so he appear as The Good Son? So he can avoid the uncomfortable conversation of saying No to his Mom?

Are the Aunts selfish? For same? Wanting the son to do the caregiving while they appear The Great Caring Sisters. You betcha!

Is Grandmother selfish? For it is appears she cares NOT about the needs of her Son, OP or her own grandchildren as long as she has round the clock care.

Please let this be the takeaway: don't ever put up with being called SELFISH without pulling it apart to examine fully.

That word is weaponised to manipulate.

It is easier to arrange for her to REMAIN in the nursing home than it is to send her back to the NH if someone brings her home again.

I wonder if the nursing home told you that you could be charged with abandonment if you didn’t take care of her as an attempt to keep her at the nursing home, WHERE SHE BELONGS!!!!

Hospital and SNF social workers piss me off! It seems their job is to send the patient home at all costs. I cannot tell you how many times hospital social workers have tried to coerce me into taking care of an elderly relative whose son and grandchildren didn’t want to do a damn thing to take care of her.

Putting all the other things aside, you are going to injure your back taking care of this woman!

Do you need to get out of that situation as soon as possible. If something happens, such as the Hoyer flips over and she gets fractured skull and dies, or something happens with the IV that you’re managing which you shouldn’t be because you’re not a nurse, and suppose she gets an infection a blood infection or something at the IV site and dies they’re gonna all blame you it’s all gonna come back on you. I think your boyfriend is extremely selfish and uncaring to put you in the situation to begin with. Take your kids and leave move in with a friend temporally if you have to. Let him send for his mother for a few weeks on his own and see if he can handle it. He will soon have her place trust me it’s not worth it. Quite frankly it sounds like he’s using you for free care. Good luck my hair goes out to you