I find myself so annoyed and irritated with my mom... and it seems like for no valid reason. She’s not demanding or super needy— she really just sits there and watches TV. She can’t really take care of herself with a broken shoulder and being a huge fall risk, so she does need some assistance... but I find myself getting so upset and angry with her. Mainly when I’m asking questions about how to handle her past due bills or what’s going on with this account or her house payments... and it’s like she’s not even worried about it. And it’s like she’s either not listening or can’t follow what I’m talking about. I’ll ask a question and she’ll respond but it’s like she didn’t understand what I asked or when I tell her she needs to find out something she instantly say “I don’t know “... I know you don’t know, I’m saying I need you to find out”. At this point I’m infuriated and I catch myself raising my voice... it’s like dealing with a toddler some days. It’s not every day but still.... And I don’t know how to handle it!! Why am I so angry and hateful?? and annoyed?? Why do I not understand that she’s 71 and aging?? What’s wrong with me???
I have a family member who will default to this whenever she feels pressured or backed into a corner; it can be a way to buy time or a way to disagree without actually coming out and saying so, a way to deflect confrontation.
If you think your mother isn't dealing with her bills competently then rather than trying to force her to do so you can either shrug your shoulders - que sera - or you can step in and take over. "Mom, is it OK if I contact the power company about this bill? I'll need you to sign this form giving me permission if it is" (as you hand her the pen....).
I burned out and I don’t even think I recognized it completely or even saw it coming. I kept thinking that I could handle everything.
It wasn’t until I was away from caregiving that I saw the true destruction that it caused in my life.
I am relieved it’s over and working with a therapist to settle things in my head and heart.
It’s like she automatically gets lazy as soon as I show up and she expects me to do everything but when I am not around, she can handle things with ease. It can be very frustrating.
I have ave a couple of suggestions. It sounds like you may need some help. I’m sure you thought you could get through this temporary situation with the broken shoulder. But, you discovered all these other financial issues and it is overwhelming of how much needs to be done. Others have provided good recommendations on POA’s and just getting your Mom to sign versus asking her things that may be beyond her now.
It it sounds like your Mom has some Demetria. Is she taking any pain medication for her arm? Even mild medication can really take the elderly to another world. Has your Mom been checked for a UTI? Now that she is less mobile, she may have an infection and not be aware. They can cause confusion. Whatever the cause of Mom’s dementia, it sounds like this has been a big shock to you. Before the accident, I’m sure you talked with her and checked in on her. Early dementia is easy to hide in everyday conversations. But, you weren’t asking her to make decisions or give you answers on finances. So, it may take a moment for you to accept that Mom’s mental ability has changed and you didn’t realize it.
Third, I pray every day for patience, strength, and guidance. If I have a bad day and raise my voice at my husband, I say that prayer from my knees.
Its hard. It’s all hard. Cut yourself some slack. Make a plan and just handle it one step at a time. I don’t make progress on my plan everyday, but having the list helps keep me focused.
Good luck!!!
Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist?
Back before we had any inkling that anything was "wrong" with my mom, she was panicking about all sorts of stuff....storms that were no where near her location, burned out light bulbs...stuff that she used to take in stride. We brought in some help in the form of "visiting angels" and mom couldn't stand that--they'd break the washing machine, she felt she was entertaining a guest. It was getting exhausting and very annoying to have to constantly to respond to her non emergencies. My brother started blowing up at her and telling her to stop the "pity party".
We finally ended up moving her to a facility, because we couldn't physically keep up what we were doing. Once there, the geriatrics doc on staff referred her to a geriatric psychiatrist who insisted on a full neuro-psych workup.
Mom was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment (it was also discovered that she'd had stroke that none of us knew about) and the testing showed that she had the reasoning ability of a 6 year old. I should point out that mom continued to get perfect scores on those mini-mental tests that they do in doctor's offices (her memory remained sharp until her death) but her REASONING ability was gone. MCI progressed to vascular dementia after another stroke.
So, her regular PCP might say that she's just fine. My mother's regular doctor certainly thought so. He was SO very wrong.
Thanks for explaining this so well. Sometimes there are things that are wrong and we simply don’t realize what is going on because as you say they pass the simple cognitive tests. A more detailed test is in order when behavior changes.
Her brain just has lost its ability to understand the impact of what she is or is not doing. And it will probably get worse for her and you.
If you can, I woud suggest that you take charge of of reding and planning on how to pay her bills. Develope a plan and try writing the checks and have her sign them.
You may eventually have to do the same thing with her shopping, dressing and bathing.
My experience with the TV and sitting was that she is engrossed with the animation of the TV. Everything else is sitting still except the TV.
If she is still capable of signing a POA for fianancial and medical, get it now. After she reaches a certain point you may have to take over everything for her.
And when concidering the POA be sure to visit her bank and find out just what they may require. some will not accept a POA unless it is on their forms and conditions.
Start looking into social security about being designated payee or whatever they call it.
Just remember that there is help and information available here whenever you may need it. Even if it just to blow off steam.
I would suggest that you begin now to plan for the future. Just about anything you can think of may happen.
This will include planning time for yourself. so start looking into companion care for her so you can take a break for yourself.
Finally we could tailor our responses if you could provide more information about what has been diagnosed with? What are her needs and how do you handle them?
Have you inquired about how to help her without injuring yourself?
There is just so much to learn and here is the best starting point.
Good luck and keep us up to date.
But honestly, I'm really trying. I'm not a patient person to being with, but I'm trying.
We're all human struggling with these challenging situations. I think a bit of forgiveness should be expected on all sides.