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Like Ikdrymom said, its exhausting to take hubby out and he really just wants to stay home, watching tv or sitting out on the porch drinking coffee. He has his nurses and doctor that come in the see him and we have son, DIL, grandson and great grand baby that live across the driveway...and daughter and SIL that live a few blocks over...so he gets interaction at home. And of course he has his wild birds that he has to feed every evening. He seems really happy at home with Meals on Wheels during the week and take out in between home cooked meals. He’s going to be 78 October 15th and we will be in Ensinada enjoying a cruise and eating Lobster.for his birthday dinner. I find it so much easier to take him out and about on the cruise ship. Everything is right there, beginning with an open walkin shower, breakfast omelets on Lido deck and coffee on the back of the boat. Casino, drinks and dinner in the dining room, and broadway shows in the evenings. We even make the midnight big screen movie on lido deck sometimes. Its a truly enjoyable week for both of us, and we go every 3 months. For his birthday, we are flying to California so dear daughter is coming with us as co-caregiver. My advice is just prepare for every occurrence. He stays in depends when we cruise and we are close enough to the room that we can slip away to change with no problem. We also use the laundry service and keep his clothes clean. He is in a wheelchair on the ship, but can use his walker for shore excursions. Its easier to transport with him and give him a seat if he gets tired walking. His blindness is our biggest hurdle but organization and preparation is key. Know your limits and LOs limits and enjoy everyday of your life. I believe that some of the bad behaviors are caused by a lack of understanding. If I tried to take hubby out to senior daycare because I felt he needed more socializing, he would flip out on me!! Maybe Im crazy or in denial, but we are truly very happy and enjoy everything we can, while we can. Thank you for this forum, it has really opened my eyes to what may lie ahead. Prayers and understanding for all my fellow caregivers...its the toughest job out there.

NOTE: We are not wealthy! The cruise was $198 per person and flight was $258 per person round trip. Less than $500 each for 5 days. We splurged for a hotel room in Los Angeles at $198 we’ll share, and the Lobster dinner in Ensinada was $210. This is a little more than we usually spend, but it’s his birthday.
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My dad lives in a memory care ALF and I used to pick him up and take him for car rides and out to basic restaurants (McDonalds, the local pizza shop). At some point it became clear that he wasn't really "experiencing" the outing anymore, so when he became incontinent, I decided our weekly outings should stop. We had family in town 6 months ago and we all took him out to a Mexican restaurant he used to love, and really he just seemed confused by the whole thing.
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Both my in-laws needed all-hands-on-deck care at the same time. They lived 6 miles from us and we had 3 teenaged sons at the time. We enlisted them a lot to help, since stepFIL was 6'5" with Parkinsons and MIL weighed 185 lbs and eventually needed a wheelchair. Once, in my naivety, I tried to take them both to a dental hygiene appointment on a college campus by myself. Ha ha! That took an entire day and I was longing for some laughing gas at the end of it.

Taking them anywhere was a huge undertaking that required all 5 of us. I never felt bad to ask my sons to help (and they never hesitated). It made them feel needed/important and appreciated and it showed them life with all its warts, and helps them to have gratitude and appreciation for their health. Our experiences with this caregiving continues to give me the opportunity to point out that how you treat the elderly and infirmed is how you will want to be treated, and that aging is a normal part of life and to not be "surprised" by it. Today my sons have such an affection for "Q-tips" (as we call all the silver-haired seniors in our family). They rush to help elderly strangers and give up seats on the train for them, etc.

Kimberlitas, I applaud your loving kindness to your mom. Keep taking her out as long as you can. Blessings!
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kimberlitas Sep 2019
Wow Geaton777, you certainly bit off more than you could chew that day! Your sons sound like loving, kind gentlemen. Kuddos to you! I have 2 daughters in their twenties that help when they can and frequently point out to them that we "lead by example".

Thank you for the compliment and advice. Being on this site shows we caregivers, whether up close or from afar, are doing the best we can. I send on the applause to all of you!
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I took my father out in July but I was a nervous wreck the entire time. He wanted to go for coffee at his old coffee shop in hometown. Let me tell you....that took the better part of a day with getting him in the car and driving there and getting him out of the car and trying to navigate the parking lot and up on the curb with his walker and getting the walker over the lip of the doorway and getting him situated in a chair.....you get it. I left the house at 8 am and got home at 2. I was exhausted. All over a freaking cup of coffee! My biggest concern with him is he can no longer take himself to the bathroom alone or that he would fall. I found out the hard way when I hosted him at Christmas. Because of that I decided to just bring him take out on his birthday (92) and not try to take him anywhere. He looked better that day so I did bring him to my home on Easter. I am not sure what to do on Thanksgiving. I can't host and babysit him too. I can't expect anyone else to take him to the bathroom. Son helped me that first time and I felt terrible asking him. I'm not sure how much my father gets out of coming over. I'm sure he enjoys it...for a moment...the rest of the time he is dosing or staring off into space. I don't think that moment is worth all the work involved though.
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kimberlitas Sep 2019
I remember going through some of the same challenges with my dad (also Alzheimer's), the bathroom being the biggest one. There came a time that mom and I stopped taking him out and soon after he went to MC. Writing this reminded me that he was far into the disease and I tried to keep him involved until the risk of falling became to big. Looks like I'm following (somewhat) in my mom's footsteps, she held on to the very end, he was only in MC for 2 months.

Hosting holidays are stressful enough without having to worry about a parent. If your son is comfortable taking grandpa to the bathroom you should accept his help. I know that's easier said than done but I'm working on it too. If I don't accept help it's not good for me and lessens mom's quality of life. I'm lucky to have a SIL that helps with the bathroom and reminding me to let others help.

I agree with your last sentence and know for myself there will come a time when it all becomes too much. Right now it looks like maybe a year or so, I've found a couple of MC that would work for mom.
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I would take her out and enjoy every outing you can.

If someone says anything, tell them that she has some unknown disease and it is highly contagious, so you do apologize for exposing them and you hope they fair as well as your mom. Sorry, I get so bothered with people acting like our seniors, disabled and others that are different are to be hid away, so I like to freak them out a bit.

She is blessed to have you.
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kimberlitas Sep 2019
LOL, can you imagine the look on their faces! Your reply made me realize that I don't have any issues with people that are different so I really shouldn't worry about what others think. Thank you!
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I hadn't thought about it being good for people to see and understand the elderly better by them being out and about doing normal activities. Thank you ArtistDaughter for a new way of looking at it. My mom also enjoys car rides, sometimes we take a drive and get an ice cream (drive thru).
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ArtistDaughter Sep 2019
My mom loves to stop for ice cream too. And I take her up towards a mountain town in the summer and fall months to a cherry cider cafe and we have pie and tea. She gets to look at the mountains and remembers the drives she took with my dad, as he loved to just a drive to see where roads went. The care givers at her assisted living house have started to take her and one other lady along to the library and other shopping excursions. It makes her happy, even though she doesn't remember any of it minutes upon return.
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My mom has started to sing when I take her out or when I take a friend over to visit her. She never sang before. She waves her arms around as she sings in a sort of dance. She mostly just wants to go for rides. She can't go out to eat any longer because noise and motion around her bothers her too much. She used to love shopping. No more. So I think as long as your mom wants to go, take her and never mind the other people. If our elders are just put where we can't see them, people will not understand the old and infirm and discriminate against them even more than already. We understand better what we see and experience.
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You sound like a saint. My mother is in AL. When my children visit we have her over. We try to take her out for a nice meal on holidays and birthdays. The problem with taking her out much is that she has incontinence issues. I know she is very worried about accidents. As soon as we get anywhere she goes to the restroom even if it's right after I pick her up. She wears incontinence briefs,has been tested by a urologist,and takes medication but there is only so much that can be done. She doesn't really ask to go out much. I think she always wants to be near a bathroom. I think all you are doing is great and wouldn't worry about others.
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kimberlitas Sep 2019
Thank you for the compliment Riverdale. I'm certainly no saint, just trying to do right by a mom that was always there for my brothers and me. We have restroom issues also, I posted a few days ago about it. Fortunately she's not incontinent but has urgency issues so there's always at 1-3 restroom stops when we're out. I like your advice on not worrying about what others think and agree with Grandma1954 that most people are only concerned with themselves.
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You never ran into my Husband while I had him out.
He made quite a bit of noise. Most of it a sort of moaning sound and I would have people ask if he was in pain. I would gently tell them that he had Alzheimer's and this was one of his "quirks".
I would kid that it was easy to find him if he wandered off while I went to grab a bunch of bananas!
I would have kids look at him and ask their mom "why is that man crying?" I would jump in with..He is not crying this is just a noise he makes because his brain does not work as well as it used to. I would then ask if they had classmates that had Autism and most of the time I would get a nod of the head. I would ask then..does your classmate make noises sometimes? And again I would get a yes. I would explain it is sort of the same thing. And I would thank them for being so caring.
If you go to the same places to eat lunch or dinner the staff will begin to know your mom and will be extra patient.
There are cards that the Alzheimer's Association has that are something like...Please be patient the person I am with has Alzheimer's and may need a bit more time.

As far as other diners or people in stores...most people are so preoccupied with themselves that they do not notice a bit of extra noise. And with all the noise in most restaurants a little from your mom will not be noticeable.
When you are seated and order, ask for "to-go" containers to be brought with the meal. Just in case she gets agitated you you have to make a quick departure you can pack up while the staff is getting your bill ready.

As far as taking her out..until it becomes unsafe getting her in or out of the car. Or when she is no longer safe walking.
Until she become so agitated that she is no longer enjoying herself.
Or when it becomes frustrating for you. Until then enjoy the outings.
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kimberlitas Sep 2019
Thank you for the great suggestions Grandma1954. Humor is wonderful way to handle many aspects of this disease. I especially liked the suggestion on getting the food to go boxes at the beginning of the meal. When she's ready to go, she's ready!
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