I’m just completely overwhelmed trying to keep everyone happy all while watching my mom waste away more each day. I came very close to moving them out but just can't bring myself to do that to my mom. I know she only has months at the most left. But still seeing no end in sight. The guilt, trying to be a good mom to my kids (10, 12) and a good wife, all while working FT. My dad is an ungrateful a**hole whom I can barely look at so I have to literally hide in my own home to avoid him :( I'm so tired and regret having them move in as it has forever changed my relationship with my dad and he will be asked to move after my mom passes. Again - the guilt :( so burnt out. So trapped inside because of Covid worries/precautions. So sad and tired, high blood pressure and pre-diabetes now from completely neglecting myself for years. Sometimes I wonder if modern medicine and longer life expectancies are a gift or curse we’ve put upon ourselves :( I myself have already told my kids that they are under no circumstances allowed to let me or my husband live with them when we are aging. I’ll even put it in writing in case I forget thru dementia later on in life. At least this rant helped me to stop crying for the night. Hugs to all trying to make it thru caregiving. People who don't do it have no idea what its like!
I have no words of wisdom...but want you to know I feel for you...I know what it’s like to have your health go down hill trying to help and keep everyone happy.
I will put you in my prayers and if i were in person i would hug you.
Is hospice involved? They come to your home and can help you with care for your mother and perhaps do respite care which means they will place your mother in a facility for 3 days so you can catch your breath. The social worker can help you organize your life while the CNA's can do physical care for your mother. Caregivers who set no boundaries become ill either during or after the death from multiple stressors such as fatigue, stress, anticipatory grief and so on.
You are not a victim in your caregiver role.
Peace,
Mark
I know with Covid the timing is not ideal , however there are agencies that can provide in home respite care.
You can contact your local Council on aging for assistance.
Maybe you and your family could get away for a long weekend!
Trust me when I tell you that you NEED to take care of yourself!!
I didn't heed the warnings!
Last year I was diagnosed with colon cancer, had a stress fracture in my foot and had to have major spine surgery.
If you're not seeing a therapist, I would highly recommend it. Also talk to your Doctor about medication to help you with depression/ anxiety.
Praying that you find a way to care for yourself! Your hubby and your children want to around!🙏🙏🙏
I have health issues and a son with epilepsy so I have to take some time away from it all and recharge. My MIL was dx with cancer and passed away 4 years ago, I wonder how much the stress of caring for my FIL affected her.
Anyway, every 3rd night or so, I let DH take over. I eat dinner by myself turn on a movie, make a cocktail, and have a good soak in the tub. Every morning I get up an hour before he does and take time to enjoy my coffee, pray and just have me-time. At 9 pm my FIL goes to bed. My DH used to invite him to stay up if we wanted to be up later but I nixed that fast! DH and I need the time alone too.
DH wanted to take FIL on vacation with us, but has since changed his mind (thank God). We all need the break.
Gotta keep a balance. On nice days, I walk, sometimes with my FIL, we both enjoy it and it really lifts our spirits.
anyway, take care of yourself. When it gets too hard for me, I will insist on a live in caregiver at least overnight. And I’m not against memory care if/when he gets to the point his care is too difficult
A caregiving support group might help you find other people who really understand your situation. Given all you are trying to do, an online forum like this one might have to do for now. I can't imagine you have much time for in-person meetings anywhere.
Appreciate whatever time you have left with your mother. Arrange breaks for yourself and family time if you can. While you are still able to work FT, that is at least a break from care taking, and lets you be in a different environment for part of the day. Is your work something you enjoy?
Make choices as wisely as you can about what you are eating, how much you are able to exercise, and what time you spend with your husband and kids. Positive choices even for small things can give you some confidence and hope.
Keep "talking" to us.
My heart goes out to you. I understand all too well how you are feeling. My father is 91 now and has dementia and many other conditions. I'm no spring chicken and the physical work is starting to get to me. I moved in a year ago to help, pre-Covid. My brother already lived with my dad, and won't help with anything to do with my father. I had a breakdown last year and learned a lot from it, the most important being to put myself first.
It was hard to realize at first, but I did realize that what is happening to my dad isn't happening to me. I was letting myself suffer in an effort to ease his, got completely caught up in how I thought things should be, I tried to fix everything, be there in an instant, micro-manage everything, etc. The breakdown awoke in me the realization that I have the opportunity to choose how I am going to respond to everything that I allowed to break me. I take my time doing things now, centre myself when dad calls, to the way that I move; I get there, but it's at my own speed. (My father told a PSW that he likes to push my buttons and aggravate me. He didn't know I overheard. But it sure turned things around for me! :) ) The breakdown also showed me that I needed to clean the slate and start over. Why did I choose to do this in the first place? (A sense of duty? Because my mother told me I had to when I was young? Because it's what we do, my parents took care of me... etc?) To help my dad live in comfort, safety, and dignity at the end of his life. I need to live with comfort, safety, compassion, dignity, too. Do I have to do this? My father needs 24/7 care. I need 24/7 care too! The person who knows what I need at all times is me.
Women are amazing people. We are strong and we are human. We know ourselves the best and it's 100% important to take care of ourselves first, delegate, rest, walk outside, laugh with friends, be compassionate and caring, guilt-free.
So grateful for this forum and to read all your stories. I wish you all the best.
XO
You are a selfless person...obviously and I'm sure your mom appreciates all you are doing and you are setting such a great example for your two children. At 10 and 12 years of age, they see what you are doing and the sacrifices you are making and continue to make. Bless you.
Try to take care of yourself although I know how hard it is. I lost over 18 pounds while caring for my ailing parents who both passed within the last two years. I'm down to 101 pounds but the consolation is I did what I had to do to take care of them as you are doing for your precious mom. I was with both of them the moment they went "Home". It was devastating but I would never, ever trade those two moments when I was there for both of them in their time of need.
Please try to stay positive. You WILL be okay.
I'm here if you need to talk.
Praying for you.
It was lovely to read your elegant, thoughtful response.
It's the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know I am a much better person for it. I will remember it as a positive experience.
Wishing you a lovely day and all the best.
I am dealing with a narcissistic Alzheimer’s mother. I’m in the process of setting boundaries with her and fully expect backlash. My health is suffering as is my marriage and this is where I draw the line. Please don’t let your situation get to this point. I’m fortunate to have a good therapist to help me through this difficult process, and it has been worth every penny.
Hang in there and sending a hug.
Try to make a point to find some time to yourself each day where you aren't doing anything for anyone. It sounds like you've taken on responsibility for too many on your shoulders. Tell the adults how you are feeling overwhelmed, especially your husband. Can your dad and husband help with some things with your mom to lighten your load? Can the kids take over additional chores etc to help. Just a thought.....good luck to you....
Telling them you think your mom needs more comfort care at this stage could be your catalyst in the conversation. I think if you wait until your mom passes, it will be more difficult for you and your dad to get him to move.
All of this stress is not good for your family. Do the right thing for everyone involved...start visiting some AL facilities and see if they can accommodate your parents situation and even if they can't, they may have some suggestions.
1 - Ask your dad to participate in your Mom's daily care - washing her laundry, organizing her clothing, helping her get dressed, etc. Can he do that? Is he along for the ride or just expecting you to do all the work. And certainly, if he's able, don't do a physical thing for him - let him do his own laundry, clean his space, do his own dishes, etc. until he gets the picture that he contributes or he has no benefits. Also - how much is he aware of your Mom's condition? Is he silently grieving without anyone's recognition of that? You didn't say how much care your Mom needs, and if she's terminal, certainly Hospice could be arranged. Financially, can they contribute to hiring an aide for 2 -3 days a week for you Mom's care? Why should all of that fall on you?
2 - Your kids are 10 and 12 - do they have a regular list of chores and things to do around the house? Which one starts dinner while you are at work? Which one does laundry? Which one helps clean the house (common areas, not just their own rooms)? Do they help create a grocery list and shop with you? That can cut down the time spend in a grocery store, or do you have delivery? Your kids can be big helps without sacrificing any relationship with them. Setting expectations and goals are a good way to develop a cohesive family relationship.
3 - What is you husband doing? Working full time, and then "off the clock" for the rest of the time? Why are YOU worried so much about being a good parent and wife and daughter, without getting nothing in return.
4 - Seems to me a family meeting is long over due, and it may just open new doors for others to help. If they don't know how this is making you feel, then the responsibility is on you to bring it to light, because they will never see it. Make a list of what you need, share it with them, and let them know that you are all in this together, but the sharing needs to be more equitable. And learn to say NO - that is the most freeing thing in the world.
I agree with others that hospice should be called in to assess your mom. As long as she is under your roof, your dad has no say in this matter. I also agree getting her into a facility would help you but I can see you aren’t willing to do that.
I suggest a family meeting. Sit down with everyone and do this after you’ve made your list. Tell the children about your feelings and ask them to help out. List the chores they can do to help you out. Your husband needs to pitch in. Your father needs to help. Give everyone "jobs" and take some of the burden off you!! Women are bad at wanting to be people pleasers and as you said make everyone happy. But this is unrealistic and self imposed. Setting boundaries is what you need to do and do it now. If you don’t, you will be causing your mental and physical health to get worse. This letter you wrote is a wake up call to yourself. Only you can change and make the decisions to help yourself get out of this muck. I wish you strength to do so. Keep in touch.