I've been taking care of my mother-in-law for going on 3 months. She has had 4 strokes since 2009 her last 2 strokes occurred on March of this yr. This job was basically forced on me because my husband refused to put her in a home & his brother & his wife want nothing to do with it. My husband & I fought over this prior to her coming here after rehab because she needs too much care (24/7) & it would be too much on me with my medical conditions (thoracic outlet syndrome & degenerative disc disease). My husband wanted to take on the responsibility but I told him that he knew it would all be put on me because he works & I don't due to retirement disability. Plus I attend college 2-5 days a week. He promised it wouldn't all be put on me & that I wouldn't have to quit school but after she got here in April he realized that this job was an all day job & after telling me to sign up for my class and me paying $800.00 he asked me to drop it. I told him I will not drop my fall course. She is incapable of doing anything at all & the best & shortest way to describe it is that I'm caring for a 200 lb newborn baby. She has to be lifted out of bed & lifted out of her recliner everytime she says she has to go to the bathroom. I don't think she really knows though because she'll ask me if she went as I'm wiping her & her diaper is so heavily saturated everytime. She urinates so much it goes right through her diaper and even through a 100% waterproof mattress protector (at least it says it's 100% waterproof). I'm washing her bedclothes & night gowns everyday all day & my house now smells like urine. She just sits in a recliner all day calling me for everything. My husband rarely does anything except all the grocery shopping because I can't leave since she can't be left alone. To get her out of bed I have to pull her upper body up at the same time my other arm is wrapped around her legs twisting her lower body to get her legs over the edge of the bed & then would have to lift her up to her feet & it was hurting my back too much. She only has the strength to stand once you lift her to her feet but not on her own. I'm only 5'2 110 lbs (was 120 lbs but lost 10 lbs since she's been here). I now make my husband wake her up & get her out of bed before he leaves for work in the morning which is at 5 am if she's not already up. She's usually up at 3 am screaming our names waking all of us up to go to the bathroom even though she's soaked from urinating all night in bed. She doesn't get into bed until 8pm but doesn't fall asleep until 11pm or later. I can't go to bed until after she falls asleep because she drops the tv remote & calls me, she needs her pillow fixed when she slides down the bed, she needs her private areas scratched (yes I have to do that also) & she blasts the tv so loud that you can't hear any other tv in the house. If you turn your volume up it just turns into a battle of who can get their tv the loudest so I'm only getting 4 hrs sleep and taking care of her 20 hrs a day. Even when my husband is home he just sits there & watches me do it all. When I ask him to do it he gets an attitude. I just don't know what to do. I told him that when he's home he needs to take care of her because this was his decision & he wanted to take on the responsibility not me but he's never home because he works so much now. As bad as her physical health is she knows what's going on & her mental health is not perfect but she is able to make her own decisions just not care for herself. She does forget things but she knows what she's doing. My whole day consists of waiting on her hand & foot all day just sitting here waiting for my name to be called. I can't go out & cut my grass or even play with my 11 yr old son in the pool like every summer prior. I can't even talk on the phone without having to hang right up because she needs something. I'm lucky to eat 3 meals a week because I pretty much gave up on eating since every single time she'll call me to go to the bathroom while I'm in the middle of eating & it takes 8 minutes just to get her 10 ft to the bathroom so the whole bathroom fiasco takes 20 minutes & by then I lose my appetite. She slid out of her chair and sat on the floor when I was trying to take her to the bathroom & laughed. I tried 3 times to lift her but she wouldn't even try to help. I hurt my ribs, back, & tore something in my right breast & have a big lump now with pain shooting through it & because of this my son missed his school bus & I couldn't leave to take him so he missed school altogether. After 3 attempts I had to call 911 to come pick her up & they did then left. Just the other day she fell off the transfer chair in the bath while I was trying to get her out & again my husband wasn't here so I had to lift her out. I'm miserable. My house is no longer my home. I'm just a slave in my own home. I just don't know what to do.
It really doesn't sound like Misery.
If MIL has all of those money issues and she ran thru a $600,000 inheritance, she definitely has some level of incompetence that would be easily identifiable in an evaluation. Issues with money are an indicator or listed criteria of several mental health diagnoses that would render a person of MIL’s age incapable of making her own decisions and being declared incompetent.
Children of any age, do need a “safe space”. PJ and I both tell our adult sons and grandchildren of all ages that our home will always be a safe space for them to come if they are confused or have a problem. Not to shirk their adult responsibilities or break the law, but a safe place to think, ask for advice, etc.
CountryMouse, Linda22 and Xenajada good answers. Actually many good, thoughtful responses from many posters.
If they can cooperate on writing a post together, perhaps they can also come to an agreement that having MIL live with them isn't the best for Mil.
And that consultation with an eldercare attorney who can guide them is a good use for MIL's money.
Misery, I'd be relieved if you can just let us know that you're okay.
And Misery's husband, if indeed you're listening, it is one thing to volunteer yourself for a courageous project. It's another to volunteer somebody else.
There have been times in the past (on other threads), where I have suggested that the OP share their question they posted and the responses they have received here with their spouse, to get them to see other's ideas and suggestions, and even the OP's frustration level, to see if it might help them to come together and find a common ground, and a way to work together, but I guess that if the husband (if this was the case) saw and read the THREAD, he might have taken offense to her reaching out for Help, and responded (as her), to get her to stop airing their "dirty laundry".
But isn't that exactly what this site is for, to share the nitty-gritty, and to get idea's and suggestions on how to deal with these issues? If this is the case, and hubby came across Misery's post, either from her sharing or by accident and did not like her participating here, I could see him being angry, if that is his nature, and wanting her to put a stop to it, as some people are very private. I only hope that she is safe, and he isnt somehow taking his anger out on her! It is Sad, as she was only reaching out for Help, and I thought, getting some very good suggestions!
But again, if that angry reply (now deleted by the AC Administrator's) Was from MISERYINMD herself, then she sure did change her tune, from appreciating and accepting advice from the caring folks here, to feeling Angry and picked on, and lashing out on those very people. She and everybody must understand, that people can only respond to what is written and interpreted. It is not always clear, which is why more information is often requested, to get a clearer picture of the situation, and from that, better idea's and suggestions do follow.
I hope it is the latter, and she will soon come to the realization that the responses that she did receive were all for the most part, from people who have experience, have been in her shoes, or something simular and were only trying to help!
I guess that sometimes, honest truths are hard to take, however I do hope she is OK!
Please use her money and get a Hill-Rom total care bed (that tilts in all directions). This will save your back in repositioning her. I've seen several ranging from $500 - $1,000. Some even have the air mattress which helps prevent pressure sores. You say she is able to stand with assistance. Get a Sit-to-Stand or Stand-Assist lift. If she cannot stand, get a regular lift. Again, save your back.
Get a daily routine down that has her clean, fed, diapered, meds taken and sitting up in a chair. Then so what you need to do for yourself for a couple of hours. There is a difference between needs and wants. If her needs have been met, let her "want" for an hour or two. Commit to playing in the pool with your son for an hour. This will relieve some stress and give you some exercise and fun time.
Do NOT let her interrupt your meals with a bathroom trip! She can wait 30 minutes. I guarantee you she is sitting there just waiting for you to fix your plate and have your first bite before she starts screaming to go. It is just like a toddler wanting attention.
Just because a person has medical issues does not give them the RIGHT to treat you badly, especially when you are the caregiver and trying your best to take care of them.
When I first came on here I was in the middle of total dysfunction with my Mom and bad brother. I had a couple of responses that were disconcerting, but the majority were helpful. They gave me the confidence to do what I knew I
had to do. I was packed up and moved within a month or six weeks. My decision was not popular with many relatives and a few friend’s. I would not go back and change anything.
I think sometimes it easier to listen to those who are on the outside of one’s problem than someone too close to the situation.
She lost it! What the h*ll is odd? Then you guys continue to TROLL her thread.... H*ll, someone even copied her last response, and earlier comments and ran them through a comparison program!!!!??? WTF.....??? Get a grip ppl.
"Anyway again thanks for everything. I appreciate everyone's bluntness and no offense was taken. I've always been a true believer in telling it like it is and being honest even if people aren't going to like it. So again thank you all."
Still appreciative and thankful for the suggestions. So it did seem to me that perhaps her husband was responding as her.
I have reread all of the posts, and feel that Misery has been Very forthright with her information and concerns, reaching out to to find solutions, and she has received some very good suggestions. My concern is that now she may be getting grief at home for reaching out, and can only hope that everything is OK for her now.
So much put upon her, and all of a sudden too! MISERY, if you are still reading, I do hope that things have settle down, and that you will come back and let us know that you are doing alright! Nobody will be angry that you had a little meltdown, you are entitled and I can see where your feelings may have been hurt, and that folks were a little hard on you, but do know that the people on this forum do care about you, and only want the best for you! You take Care!
There have been a lot of angry posts, and threads that don't seem genuine. Hopefully it is a passing thing, as I come to this forum for the comraderie and because sincerely care about the folks who helped me through some very difficult times, and also to try to give back, where I feel like I can be of some service to others.
I do believe that the OP had some serious issues and wanted help, but her tone did change in the past few days. Understandably, she is under an extreme amount of pressure, and has legitimate concerns, I only hope that she can find a way to make her life more manageable, as it sounds like H*ll to me! I did think she got some very sage advice!
That was not meant as a dig. It IS unsafe to leave a group of 10-12 year-olds unsupervised in a pool. (And camera surveillance does no good if one isn't contstantly in front of the monitor. What happens when she's attending MIL?)
I understand that there are places where children swim in lakes, pools and rivers unsupervised and have done for millennia. There are always drownings that happen in those settings.
It's fine if you think that your kid is a strong swimmer, never gets a cramp, never hits his head on the side of the pool or the like. If you're okay with exposing your child to that danger and will accept s/he might drown, that's your absolute right.
It's ANOTHER thing for you to have neighbor or friend's kids in your pool unsupervised. The liability exposure is enormous.
I never mean to be unkind. If I'm coming across that way, I'll have to re-think what I'm doing here.
All posters have the right to express their opinions on the forum in a respectful and non offensive manner. There is nothing in the guidelines that states that posters have to have posted a certain number of times to have the right to comment. I find value in many posts from both experienced and newbie posters. Everyone has a different perspective on a situation and should be treated in a kind and respectful manner. I don’t comment on things that I know nothing about. Ex. I know very little about hands-on caring for someone with Alzheimer’s. I only know what I’ve read and what I learned from working with the Alzheimer’s Association which is limited.
CTTN, while it's ok for everyone to say these are written words void of the true sentiment and/or emotion, why can't people Understand when they are told they come across seemingly nasty or superior? The woman's not an idiot.
It came across to more then just me that way....remember I have a PM too.
This woman did not ask anyone to critique her parenting! She was simply trying to explain what she does for her son in this time of turmoil in their home. People know their kids, mine were maniacs, with absolutely no fear nor thought of consequence. They had to always be monitored. Maybe her kid doesn't.
And even now, AFTER her last comment, where she said she had cameras, that method was still found to be insufficient.
Don't you think she just might have felt like she was being talked down to. Like she was dumb? There's potential dangers everywhere for kids. We just do our best to protect them as we see fit. Everyone, everywhere will not always agree.
If we could just stay on topic and think before commenting, that would be nice. This is supposed to be about the poster. But nice job, she left feeling, ridiculed, belittled and attacked.
Somebody doesn't always have to be wrong, for someone else to be right.
It doesn't matter how sweetly we write it....it's slamming her parenting.