Nurturbynature Asked January 2022
Imminent sibling estrangement due to lack of concern and money. How could someone dishonor their parent and live with themselves?
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I certainly understand your enormous frustration and anger. On some level, I might feel as if the effort I put into caring wasn't fully acknowledged, in that failure to update the distribution of the insurance.
I must add, I am always rankled when I see commenters instructing an inquirer, e.g., "let it go." The dilemma is yours to work out, in your own time, in your own way. When others try to control, and issue commands - well, as the saying goes, "Unsolicited advice is criticism."
On the other hand, personal experience is helpful. "Don't tell me what to do, only God (however you might define) can do that; tell me what *you* did."
I had the reverse situation with my brother 25 years ago: I received the $10K insurance. I immediately wrote him a check for half. I've been financially hard up since that time, but he has never offered to help. Oh, well.
My practice is always to try to talk through misunderstanding and conflict. Most people, though, I find, much prefer to avoid confrontation, and are happy to live with whatever scenarios dance in their imagination. But I'm very curious by nature, so I tend to want to reality-check my assumptions, I want to know what the other person is actually thinking. And I want my thoughts heard. It's important for me to speak my truth, regardless whether the other person hears and understands. The point is (1) to make the effort to connect with another human being (especially a family member), and (2) to affirm you have a reasonable complaint, and a constructive desire to resolve the problem.
There is so much estrangement in previous generations of my family; I've had to work hard to keep conversations going to prevent more estrangement in this generation. I learned a rule of thumb: (1) say what you mean, (2) mean what you say, and (3) don't say it mean. LOL
I'll add, my brother is very troubled, and has very little capacity for discussion. For the sake of staying connected, I don't challenge him to discuss much. I really don't like pretending all's well when all's not well, but there are some desperate people who are so limited. I don't know where your sib falls on the continuum of mental health.
Just a creative idea: have you thought of putting on paper an accounting of the value of the time, energy and actual dollars you spent caring for your mother? First, I think you would be astounded at the number (and, I daresay, you could take pride in the incredible service it shows you rendered!). Then, too, you could present the calculation to the sibling who has inherited the insurance, as support for your request for reasonable reimbursement.
As I said, my family is rife with estrangements in the previous generation, which have had a very destructive impact on this generation. No good faith attempt to communicate and try to resolve a misunderstanding or conflict has ever left me or the other person poorer for the effort.
Only you know the many variables of your situation; you decide the next steps.
Best of luck to you, and PEACE!
Feeling anger towards someone does NOTHING to them, does nothing to change the situation. All it will do is build up more hurt, anger and frustration in you.
Why let your sibling live in your heart and brain rent free?
Move on.
If there is anger all around, after all the money was to be used by 1 to help others out I am sure the one sibling that got the insurance money will feel barbs of anger not just from you but from the other.
Legally you haven't a leg to stand on, as you recognise; but also morally - what dishonour? Your mother may just have forgotten about the policy but doesn't at any point seem to have given a general instruction requiring absolute equality among the three of you either.
It's a difficult topic for you or other sibling to raise because however tactfully you might phrase something like "I think we can be pretty certain that mother would expect you to share this, don't you" it's going to look (and in fact be) self-interested. Is there a neutral party you might confide in, who could have a gentle word with the sibling about it if necessary?