Hi its Nazdrovia again
I probably sound like a broken record. My 85 yo father is frequently making rude and inappropriate comments. He's always had opinions on people but had a bit more discretion. But now he is worse and its sometimes about people I care about, more and more, where its getting to the point that I dread going out in public with him or even having a conversation with him. He comments on how fat a person is, or how someone's nostrils are too big or someone has tattoos esp on women which he hates. He points at them and its very embarrassing. If I don't agree with him or get annoyed at his comments he lashes out at me and turns it around so I'm the bad person. I just end up hating being with him. This is the same person who preaches religion constantly. When will it end????
Is this dementia related or he is just two faced and a nasty old man?
I should have written it all down. I remember a great deal of it though.
While I don't know when these situations happen, if he is around others you know, tell them in advance what may (likely) happen and they can decide whether to be around him or not.
Take him to the park where there is a lot of space so whoever he points to / makes comments will not be noticed.
Read TEEPA SNOW's website to learn about different dementias and how different parts of the brains work or no longer work and how the behavior changes.
Yes, I believe this is brain chemistry changing and he may not be able to stop as parts of the brain that would normally work are no longer working.
He might have dementia + his values and judgments are coming out due to no brain filters. I wouldn't say a nasty old man.
In other words, he could have felt this way 'all his life' although he was able to [control] keep his thoughts / opinions / insults to himself [as he then knew better than to blurt these offensive behaviors out loud.]
They are truly delusional! Once I told a woman who frequently complained about her adult children that they never went to church, that if I were one of her children I would certainly be agnostic and more than likely an atheist.
There are wonderfully loving and moral atheist people that are pleasant to be near and nasty ‘so called’ Christian people, like the woman I know that sadly, no one enjoys being near.
Why? Because she painted God out to be a big ‘bully’ in the sky. She would point her finger up to heaven and constantly tell her kids how God saw all of their actions and was going to punish them and they would go to hell.
Her kids never heard about God’s love, mercy or forgiveness. Such a shame that they grew up with fear and intimidation from her.
When they grew up, they resented their mom terribly and rarely speak to her because she is extremely negative.
I must admit that I barely speak to her as well because who in the world wants to be preached to constantly? Not me!
She needs to give it a rest! Speak about God’s love and mercy to encourage instead of only speaking about hell, fire and damnation.
Gets old quickly! So utterly counterproductive too!
He really was pretty racist (which, after the fact was pretty funny since we did DNA testing on DH's side of the family and there was about 10% of their genetic makeup from Africa--his ancestors had been slaveholders in VA for years. Not something we ever talked about, my kids are mortified)
ANYWAY--he finally stopped referring to anyone of color by the 'n' word and chose 'colored' instead which still made my toes curl.
The last stay in the hospital for him, he praised the 'little colored nurse' who cared for him. I got snarky and said "So what color IS she dad?" I guess I was just so tired of his bigotry.
I had such a hard time with this aspect of his otherwise sweet personality.
On a more cynical side if he is truly us rational and can follow a conversation...you could ask him, "is that what Jesus would say?" Or, I thought you were a Christian?
Just saying.
I remember taking my father to my daughter's softball game well before his mind started to go. He would point at a little girl and say "what a fattie". I don't think he meant it as an insult but it was. I was mortified. And yes I stopped inviting him to games. His mother was the same way, she would point out 'defects' as she saw them in others...and she was trying to be mean.
Prior to the pandemic, I attended several support groups through the Alzheimer's Association. They passed out a card which I laminated that had their logo at the top and said: "My loved one has Alzheimer's disease (memory loss) and is sometimes confused. Thank you for your patience and understanding."
Most of the time I used it whenever we went to restaurants and doctor's offices. I would hand it to the wait staff when they approached the table and when I walked up to a receptionist's desk. That way it helped from having to explain things over and over and there was no awkwardness for either them or myself and not a word had to be exchanged in front of my mom.
Although it wouldn't help in circumstances that are spontaneous, it might be helpful in the situations I mentioned above. I'm sure it's so embarrassing for you. I just worry about one day something being said to the wrong kind of person and creating a scene.
The only thing I can think of is to have a doctor prescribe a medication (if he isn't already on one) to calm him down. I know when my mom was in rehab for three weeks after being in the hospital with COVID she was transferred to a new facility in their MC wing. She was combative and the staff told hospice and hospice let me know. I agreed to have her put on a low dose of an anti- anxiety/depression medication as long as she wouldn't be in la la land. Never had that type of problem again and she just gets it before bedtime. It helps her sleep much better and therefore her mood is better. She still has good days and bad days but not like when she arrived in May.
I hope you can find something to help for both your sakes and everyone else's!