She has advanced dementia and is VERY needy. She has lot of anxiety, some hallucinations, and is very confused. She cries a lot of the day. “I miss my mother but she’s passed away.” “There’s people that are going to hurt me. Let’s go.” "I’m having some real problems.” These are all things she says. I know they’re pretty typical. So far she’s been clingy with staff and other residents.
I wanted to see what other people thought of being advised to not visit for two months. The head nurse said it might be sooner but that they would continue to update me and let me know when they thought it would be good time to start regular visits. They obviously said I could do whatever I want, but this is what they recommend. I understand there’s a need for Mom to adjust, but it seems really long. Thoughts?
My mom did not have advanced dementia and I was still advised to leave her there for a bit before I came to visit. I knew my mom would feel like she had been dumped there if I had agreed to that. So I visited immediately and regularly. Your mom may feel differently but only you can know that. They can't.
That's my opinion for what it's worth. Take it or leave it.
I know that the recommendation is often not to visit at first. We wouldn't have been able to do that.
If you feel you need to go, go and accompany her to activities. Go for a set amount of time. Listen to her complaints and say "I'll take care of that, mom". Don't feed into her delusions; listen, but don't share her awfulizing or drama.
Talk to senior staff about her/your concerns. Asking the aides or med techs won't get you action or solutions. Find the DON and make her an ally.
Thank you for the answer :)
Personally I would never leave my LO for weeks anywhere without at least a "monitoring" visit. I did monitor my father where I didn't interact with him but came by the facility and watched him for a few minutes on a monitor. Dad was very angry with me for gaining guardianship and forcing him into MC so my visits were usually somewhat upsetting at that time. I did an in person visit at least once a week.
I believe that even in a good facility, patients get better treatment when the staff knows someone is going to be showing up. Years ago when my grandfather's aunt was in a NH, he got a call from the nurse letting us know his aunt was complaining of eye pain and the NH didn't have the staff to get her to the eye doctor before the weekend. Grandpa and I picked her up an hour later and took her to the doctor.
So what worked for me was to pull back gradually, I had to be around the place moving stuff and fixing up the room which I’d do while they were eating. Then I’d stop by the dining room, mom would always yell JUST WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? I’d tell her I was fixing a leak/furnace/light whatever at the house.
After a couple of days I would watch them in the dining room from the lobby where they couldn’t see me. I had to fight the impulse to run in and cut up moms food for her and help out. But they had to figure this out on their own.
They sorta settled in eventually, never really happy but accepted their fate. My presence just reminded them of all things HOME and stirred them up. Mom was so mad at me I had to even quit calling for a couple of weeks.
Use your own judgement on this. Few elders are ever happy when they go to care but they usually adjust. Good luck.
I can not stress enough about following up daily with her care. You don't have to let her see you going there if that is their rule, but I would make sure of how her care is being administrated and that you are very visiable.
I am not trying to bash Nursing Homes, but it is what it is. Our loved ones need care and we want it done. I found out that my brother wasn't getting showered or shaved because they came in the afternoon to do it. He is no good after 2... so he refused for WEEKS. Even being in advanced stage of dementia they let him make that decision not to shave, shower or brush his teeth. The solution was simple - I asked them to do his hygiene in the early morning. It worked, but had I not advocated he would probably have fleas!!!
If you have questions about this maybe seek advice from a senior therapist or her neurologist. Good luck. You have tons of support.
I feel thought 3 weeks to two months is long. I feel they are like children. You were their everything and now they may feel abandoned.
I never visited in the morning. Too hectic, with getting the residents up and dressed for breakfast, med passes and before u know it, its time for lunch. Mom never napped so I would go in the afternoon sometime. She was not able to carry on a conversation so I didn't stay long. Just so I knew she was OK. Never in the evenings because again, they r getting residents ready for the evening.
I may give them a week. Then call and see how Mom is adjusting. I may go 2 weeks but not longer than that. I would learn the routine. You really need to adjust to the facilities way of doing things. When I started visiting, I would not make it more than an hour. And let the aids do their jobs. If Mom needs changing, have them do it. Change of clothes, let them do it. Show Mom that these people care for her, not you. You just visit. This is now Moms home. She is a resident not a patient.
Maybe make a list of Moms likes and dislikes. My Mom was allergic to deodorant. At the NH I found an aide had used their brand of deodorant on Mom. Made me mad since her box of toiletries was right there next to her bed with the deodorant we found she could use. With a note on it. Took the tube out to the head nurse and told her it was on the list I gave them what Mom was allergic too. The aides needed to use the items I provided. If she had broke out, it would have taken a while to clear up.
So, you do need to be present and 2 months is a long time to let a facility have complete control. Thats my opinion.
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