My mom had her hip revision surgery last week. This is her second hip surgery because with the first one she grew an extra bone. My dad and I have been helping her since she came home. She has nurses and physical therapists that come out to provide services. Tonight she starts crying when she had to get up and walk. She only walked and exercised when she had her physical therapy session today. My dad and I become frustrated with the situation. She then says we don't have empathy for her when she's in pain like she has empathy for us when we are dealing with something. The other night she stayed up before she said she felt upset that she couldn't do anything for herself and felt like a burden. She has had quite a few surgeries since I was 9 years old (I'm now 31). I had to assume some caregiving responsibilities over the years (even more now it seems). Sometimes she'll demand that she needs several things to be done or given to her. In all we are feeling burnt out and sometimes we do react negativity towards her. What do we do?
Hopefully the surgery is planned ahead. I can arrange to have sandwiches, paper plates, convenience foods and the phone (for actual emergencies or long political discussions) within easy reach. I'll stock up on non-alcoholic beverages. I'll open a path to the toilet, the bed, my chair and I'll practice pre-op how to get there. If you want to visit, I have a door key hidden and I'll give you directions how to find it. You are welcome to come see me. I'll enjoy your company and will gladly regale you with all the gory details...just please empty the trash on your way out (and offer to replenish the refreshments).
I forget that a huge number of regular contributors here have been victims of self-centered, manipulative mothers who have left them
emotionally scarred and embittered. If you are one of those (I know you said she had multiple surgeries while you were young) then I apologize. I was fortunate not to have had one of those moms. I cared for my mother through some difficult times. She didn't always respond as the doctors nor I wanted her to, but she survived and so did I. Thus I tend to see most situations as more or less typical. Under normal circumstances my mother an I, while never close friends, had a good relationship.
Several have said that post surgery for the hip the worst of the pain is relieved. I had cervical spine surgery and it was the same for me. Five+ years of ever worsening agonizing pain was gone overnight! The second one I had done did make for more problems, as they went through the back of my neck as well and THAT was painful, making it difficult to get up! But, eventually if you work on it and become more active as allowable, it does go away.
If at all possible, try to be "unavailable" during parts of the day, when she might most need a drink or to use the bathroom. If she asks/demands something, unless it is absolutely critical, make her wait. Set the table for meals, but let her get to the table herself. Initially she would have to use a walker, or have a "hand" up, but provide less and less support, so that you just have your hand on her, but you aren't supporting her weight.
Maybe hiring someone who can work with mom post PT sessions could help. If you find the right person, they might be able to motivate her, where she is resisting you and your dad. Call it doctor's orders! Sometimes they do work better with a non-family member.
If this doesn't work, then explain how NOT using her body/legs will lead to total disability and NH. It sounds cruel, but my mother harped at my dad to either use it or lose it. He didn't have surgery, he was just sitting too much. He did become unable to walk and ended up in a NH. Later when mom moved to MC, she was spending way too much time sitting, reading the paper, magazines, whatever. This actually started when she was still living in her condo. I reminded her what she said to dad, and she laughed and said yeah, but did nothing about it. Staff tried to encourage light exercise (she refused - Oh I done that for years, I don't need that now!), suggested walking with the others after meals, etc. She moved into MC totally mobile. Eventually she became so weak/fearful of falling, she refused to stand or walk unassisted and ended up in a wheelchair. It took a few years - at about year 2 she started using a rollator, but maybe a year later (or less) was the wheelchair.
If she isn't willing to make any effort to get up and moving, she will lose the ability. That's sad. It's the whole point to getting the surgery - to relieve pain and be more active again! The only choices then are for your dad to hire aides to assist her or AL.
You need to back off and resume some semblance of normal life. Maybe not right away (it's only been a week), but if you are staying to help dad, maybe go back to your own place and only come over to assist now and then. Slowly reduce the amount of time you do spend there.
Sounds like mom was doing pretty well, but then tonight, a meltdown. Having had surgery quite a few times I understand how it can be...therapy hurts, but you tough it out. Getting up to do anything hurts, but you know you have to do it. Sometimes pain pills help, sometimes not so much. You don't like asking people for so much, but you ask anyway, try to smile. Then suddenly, one day, it is all too MUCH. You lash out! Family is there, so they are the target. It's not entirely reasonable and down deep you know it.
But you can't stand the frustration for another minute!
If I were you, I would try to not take her criticism too much to heart. Don't be too hard on yourself if you cannot please her. Sounds like you are absolutely doing your best and I doubt she honestly thinks YOU are really at fault for anything major. (If she does, that's a mental problem you already know about) Of course, you haven't always been supportive. Who ever has? Kids aren't there to make their parents feel better. But I suspect with her medical history, you've often taken that job on.
Just consider her reaction a result of frequent pain and frustration. If what she asks of you is unreasonable or impossible, tell her so...nicely, if you can. (if not nicely...oh, well, we all have our limits).
Things should get better. Her condition should get better. Remind yourself of that. Best of luck to you and your Dad.
As far as the 'after surgery' PT--well, as long as the hunky PT guy was coming 3-4x's a week, she was oh so compliant. The last visit, I walked him out to his car and asked if he thought she was ready to be w/o in home care, would she continue on her own. He kind of chuckled and said "Those exercise bands will sit and rot on her kitchen counter. She'll never do a single thing."
Sadly, he was spot on. She stopped getting 'better' and eventually had the other knee done and one hip. She's 90+ and wants the 2nd hip done "just to jump the gun"--no reputable Dr. will touch her. She walks with a walker and grunts and groans every step she takes.
There was absolutely NOTHING any of us could do to encourage her to be more mobile. I know that a certain level of diminished movement could be expected, but we all hoped the 1st knee replacement would have given her relief/increased mobility. All it did was set the stage for the 2nd one and then hip replacement. Add in to that multiple back surgeries and pins, rods, etc., along with that, many falls, infections, dizzy spells, pretty much everything under the sun.
As far as pain--I myself have chronic back pain and no amount of PT or walking really makes a HUGE difference, but I have hopes. This year I am going back to PT to work on pain control and strengthening.
Pain is individual. You cannot measure someone else's pain. BUT--hip and knee replacements are famous for giving much needed relief for those who have worn out their joints. I have MANY friends who have had knees and hips done and I watch them slowly (or quickly!) rehab from them, it makes me wonder why mother got slowly worse and worse.
Sadly, for mom, since she lives with YB, it took him blowing up at her to get her to minimally stop complaining about the pain 24/7. And to stop begging for yet another surgical consult. She knows now that a hip replacement at age 90 will assure she moves into a NH for the rest of her life.
If she simply DOES NOT want to be compliant, then she is choosing a stunted life, and maybe that is what she wants! People are very intriguing, mentally. I remember ONE DAY in my childhood where she did not complain of an excruciating migraine. ONE DAY. There may have been others, but just one stands out.
Isn't that sad?
Take care of yourself. During my bout of cancer throughout last year, I couldn't even visit with mother. She acted like I had done something to HER, getting cancer. I had to self-preserve to stay strong. It's not a bad thing to do. (But it's hard, for sure).
We all learned to hope for the best, but expect the worst.
But she can't understand when the "sympathy" wears out and others are left exhausted and disillusioned.
You have done a masterful job in overcoming much of the damage done to your own sense of self-worth. You've developed a perspective on suffering that not everyone has. So glad you shared.
Medical advice and assistance is also essential, but you may find that doctors and nurses and physical therapists interpret your mother's situation differently. Then you and your dad will have to decide how best to proceed, hopefully with some constructive input from your mother. This can take some time--it could be a marathon, rather than a sprint. That makes it all the more important to meet your own needs.
Prayers and hope for the future.
she NEEDS to participate in rehab and continue when PT is "officially" over for the day. If she doesn't one or more of the following may happen.
1) She will end up using a walker much sooner
2) She will remain in pain
3) You can not spend your life caring for her and dad may not be able to manage by himself. And if not that would require hiring caregivers and possibly a move to Assisted Living.
Start by not catering to her. If you KNOW she can get up to get a glass of water, a cup of coffee then let her do it. If you KNOW she can safely get to the bathroom, bedroom without your help then let her.
She can throw a Pity Party, you do not have to accept the invitation.
In the past year I have had two of my hips replaced and I am 68. Actually the pain was not as bad as I would have thought, but if she isn’t getting up and walking around the house she is not doing herself any favors.
yes...I was dependent on my husband for many things at first and you do feel a bit of a burden. But I realized that this is just how it is. By week 3 I was on a cane. And by week 4, no cane and driving. But I used a grabber to help me dress and an aid to put on socks. I am pretty tough and independent so I am sure I am more highly motivated than she is.
if she doesn’t walk it will take longer to get back her stamina and mobility. Also she needs to be doing her exercises as many times a day as the PT tells her to. She needs to be icing and elevating several times a day.
if she isn’t doing these things then she in sabotaging her recovery.
you could call her home health agency and ask to speak to her nurse or physical therapist and explain what protocol your mother is following. They would then be able to level with her when they come out.
your dad might want to talk to her about doing the exercises, set a time for them and do them with her. It won’t hurt him. Sometimes we need encouragement. Also remember that just the trauma of surgery and the anesthesia can play with our emotions and there will be tears at times. Also healing isn’t linear...it is up and then down. So try to find ways to help and encourage her and please engage the confidence of the professionals treating her.
So your mother has been in poor health since she was 45, is that about right? And your family has been supporting her one way or another for pretty much all of your conscious life.
What's different this time that has recently frayed your and your father's patience with her, do you think?
Is there any scope for hiring additional support for her so that you and your father don't have to help her so much with transfers, personal care, toileting for example?
The burnout is bad for all of you, and my heart sinks for all of you. She IS in pain, and probably very tired physically and emotionally as well. But it IS frustrating, and your and your father's stress are painful too. It's much easier for outsiders to deal with - we only have to be sympathetic for an hour at most, and we're licensed to say "we're sorry it hurts, but it'll be worth it, and you can do it!"
And, I agree with the comments to keep reporting any pain or mobility issues that don't seem what you'd expect. As there are nurses and PTs on the scene this should be under control but you know best what is normal for your mother.
When my sister is less able, people around her will do more. She can be very independent, but also can be very dependant letting others do everything.
What is necessary help & what is not?
I try to reward good efforts. If more fussing & attention surrounds being helpless, it could create a monster.
1- she has already had a failed surgery, this could be happening again.
2 - she could have contracted an infection in the surgery site and the pain is the indication that not all is well.
3- she could be very use to private servants and she has no intention of giving them up.
You are not her slave, you can quit propping her up without being sold.
I think that anyone not willing to participate in living their life should be put in a facility and they can pay others to do their stepping and fetching.
Does your mom have an addiction to pain medication? My mom developed one from multiple surgeries over decades and she will never do what it takes to be better because she would lose her dope.
Besides whining, what’s the most pleasurable and entertaining and amusing activity in her life? What can you entice her to do that only she can do for herself?
She’s at a tough age for trying new things, especially if she’s never been imaginative or creative, and it sounds as though she’s never been very self motivated, you’ve definitely got your work cut out for you.
As another thought, would she address holiday cards, fold laundry (the old standby), make shopping lists, organize drawers, ANYTHING that can help herself by helping you and your father?
Painting lessons, music lessons, sewing lessons, learning a second language, tutoring neighborhood children?
Could you get an exercise coach to come in and do movement with her, on her level, between therapy sessions? She sounds as though she’s depended on you and your dad for so long that she might do better with a stranger.
Hoping something clicks for you all.
Perhaps a very simple treat for mother when she does her PT three days in a row, could work along the same lines. It’s easy to try.
Pain wise, the pain I had from bone-on-bone grinding was way worse BEFORE the surgery than afterward. I had very little pain afterward, and nothing that the pain medication didn't handle.
Your mother should not be much of a burden after the first week. If she is, she's likely milking you and the situation to her advantage and having a pity party for herself. Either that, or she's not healing properly and the doctor should be consulted for his/her opinion in the matter.
As far as empathy is concerned, some people are professional victims. We have only SO much empathy for them before the well runs dry. Let your mother know you'll do ABC& D for her every day, and then she's on her own. I used a grabber tool during recovery so I didn't have to hound anyone for anything 24/7:
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Drive-Medical-Hand-Held-Reacher-Non-Folding-26-5/20960193?wmlspartner=wlpa
Best of luck!
While it is normal & understandable to be overwhelmed at this early stage, she has to be realistic too. She won't be running around the park yet but this does not mean failure!
If your Mother can then take the responsibility of being part of her own recovery she will become proud of her growing strength & progress. Celebrate the little wins with her.
My mom didn't say I had no empathy but I could tell that's what she was thinking. I was very upset that she wouldn't exercise, wouldn't drink enough water, etc. She answered by question of "what are you thinking" to try to get her to engage with "you don't want to know what I'm thinking". I know that means "Boohoo you're so mean to me and don't understand all the pain I'm in, etc".
The real problem is they don't seem to care or understand that they really need to do the work in order to get better.
So maybe you and your dad can try to figure out what she really can do for herself at this point. And make her do it. Need a glass of water? Get up and get it. Dinner time? Come to the table and eat with the family. These are just examples and may not be possible but there must be some things she can be pushed to do to help herself and become independent thereby taking some of the stress off of you and dad.
Maybe talk with the caregivers and therapists coming to the house for advice on how to resolve issues. They're usually pretty smart and have dealt with these issues in the past.
You say she said that “she felt upset that she couldn't do anything for herself and felt like a burden.” Yes of course she’s a burden at the moment. Perhaps you could both have a blunt discussion with her about what she could do to be less of a burden – what you reasonably expect from her in return for the care you are giving her now (like co-operating about PT). It may not go down too well to start with, but it’s a very positive practical approach. If it results in yelling, blaming, refusal to discuss, that’s a clear sign that it really is necessary.
Do you still have access to a social worker from the hospital? Or an aged care service? Sometimes a third person with experience can help you and Dad sort out how to handle this, and be a useful third person in the discussion with M. Perhaps you just cope with it for another week or two, but don’t let it get to be the new norm. You and D both need to look to the future. Many other posters have gone down this path to 30 years of slavery.