Does anybody else’s parents make them feel guilty for not doing enough. She lives by herself and can do things independently. She has Parkinson’s and arthritis and my dad died 21 years ago.
I go up 3 times a week and stay there all day. Not including if she wants anything dropped off. She tells me not to go up but if I don’t go up she is constantly saying she is by herself all of the time and does everything by herself.
She asks me to book hairdressing appointments then says her hair is too short so she doesn’t want to go then she complains that I never take her to the hairdressers.
She won’t go out by herself and I literally do everything I can for her even though I have my own family and work nightshift. I can’t share any joy with her as she says she wishes she could do that and that she doesn’t have the opportunity. I ask her all of the time if she wants to go out does she need anything, shall I hoover, do you want me to iron all I get is no but then she complains that I don’t do anything. I have an older sister and brother they go up maybe once a month and once a fortnight but when they go they are the best.
I'm just so tired and it’s really affecting my mental health. Just wondering if I’m alone in this or does this happen quite regularly.
Do you have DPoA? If not, this is a very important legal step to take. I would take your mother to a certified elder law attorney who can explain the importance of having a legally assigned PoA, an Adance Healthcare Directive, Will, etc. The attorney will interview your mother privately to decide whether she comprehends what assigning a PoA means for her. If she seems competent to understand it, then the attorney will move forward if your mother desires it. This is actually should have priority over the medical diagnosis, especially if you have siblings who might create a fuss over who has PoA, etc.
Your Mother is not really independent at all. If she is having cognitive and memory decline, this means she is losing her ability to work from reason, logic and empathy. So, arguing with her (or even trying to reason with her) will be exhausting and unproductive.
You need to decide how much involvement you want in doing her hands-on care, and then maybe consult with an estate planner or her financial advisor about how far her savings and SS will take her each month. This will determine if she stays in her home with outside paid care, or some other arrangement.
If you are thinking about having her live with you, please think very deeply about this since her decliine is only just beginning and her care will become more and more intense as she becomes less and less able to care for herself -- especially if you have a spouse and children.
You are certainly not alone in this dilemma. Keep coming to this forum to research or ask questions about caregiving. It is probably the most emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually challenging thing anyone will ever do. I wish you much clarity and wisdom as you make decisions going forward.
I picture them as three wise men/ladies in long robes... Waving from a train... 😆
As I sing "they took the last train to the coast."
Have family members they left - one has them there but started packing 😜
No, your r not the only one. There are many posters in the same situation. Parents treats them awful and the other siblings get all the glory. I would not go as often to visit or stay as long.
There will be no joy with her, only stress. Start pulling back, there are senior centers she can go to if she is bored, you are not her entertainer.
Get on living your life, you are entitled to do that, let the other two siblings visit more often, seems that she enjoys their company more than yours.
Ask mother to call YOU when she needs something next time and you'll check your schedule to see if you can fit her in. 3x a week all day long is WAYYYYYYY too much time to be devoting to someone who's treating you like dirt. Let her see and feel what it's like to have a daughter who "does nothing" and maybe next time you do something nice for her, she won't be so quick to complain and cut you down.
Good luck to you
My parents would drive 50 miles to check in on my grandmother once a week. She acted like she never saw them. But her other son, who lived 3 miles away and rarely visited was golden because he would buy her something occasionally.
All the other answers have to be right. You are ‘disabling’ your mother by doing so much for her that she doesn’t do what she can do for herself. You are acting like a doormat in letting her run you down – it really is abuse. You should make some boundaries and some conditions – she simply must go out on her own (to some sort of activity – there will be at least one if you look), as well as wanting your company. When she’s miserable, you walk out and say that you’ll see her when she’s feeling better.
But as well as all that, find an activity for yourself, and make it a substitute for two half days that you currently spend with her. If you feel worried about it, find an excuse – ‘doctor’s orders’ usually helps, even if you make it up. Fake dialysis springs to mind?
You think it's your duty to help her, ensure she copes, has all her needs met. We must care for our Mothers afterall!
You feel guilty when you can't meet all her needs.
So you help. But where is the edge? The stopping point? The finish line?
Resentment starts to grow.
More & more you seem to be living Mother's life with her...
What happens to your own life? Your own needs?
Is this kinda right? Or am I on the wrong track?
As others said, why do you go so much? If you're not appreciated, back it down to the frequency of the visits of your siblings. Once a month? Once a fortnight? Why are YOU going THREE days a week?
I’m trying unsuccessfully to think of ANYONE I’VE EVER COME ACROSS in a caregiving situation who who doesn’t deal with EXACTLY what you’re talking about.
So consider- SHE doesn’t “make” you feel guilty. YOU have create the thoughts of guilt in your mind, then continued thinking them until they’ve become your life pattern.
YOU NEED to break the pattern. She has no reason that I can see to do that, and trust me, SHE WON’T.
Can you offer her a set period of time that allows you to get off the three day a week merry go round, and promise yourself to stick to it?
Try “Mom, I have a (whatever reason) this week and I can’t come to take you to the hairdresser. I will see you on (whatever day is CONVENIENT FOR YOU). Then
stick to your guns.
Will she TRY to manipulate your feelings? Most likely. But you have major responsibilities in your own home, and you are also important enough to have a life for yourself too.
FIGHT THE GUILT. It serves NO GOOD PURPOSE, shows no love whether given or received, doesn’t pay any bills, never makes anyone happy. Not even your mom.
Repeating- most if not all of us have dealt in some way or another with guilt. Youare not alone with this!
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