Mom not enjoying Assisted Living, wants OUT. Any thoughts?
It's been a long saga with my parents. Dad had been in a memory care home for 3 years and died a few weeks ago. In his absence from their house, mom has done nothing but sit in self-pity and drink and pop pills, while her health keeps deteriorating. We are at the point where falls are frequent and she's had multiple broken bones in the past year. Oh, and lucky me, her house is 3 doors down from me.
Mom's drinking & falling have resulted in multiple 911 calls, hospital stays, and now 5 stays in a mental health hospital since mid-2018. She recently spent 3 weeks in the mental hospital, had two severe falls, lots of confusion, etc. The hospital directors called me in for a meeting and we all agreed she is no longer safe at home and they said they would only discharge her somewhere safe with their own direct transport. I was 100% in agreement.
Off I go to tour ALs. I found the absolute Taj Mahal, $6,000/month, in a wing where she will get more structure than regular AL but not rising to the level of MC. I picked a beautiful little apartment with a view of a city dog park. Spent a day decorating and getting it all ready.
Now she says I've dumped her there to die and she wants to be released. She is in a wheelchair and needs medication management. I am an only child, work 6-7 days a week. There is no other family and my mom has no friends. I told her she has destroyed my life but she does not believe it. My parents' decline has been an ongoing saga for 8-9 years now, continually getting worse, and I am left as a shell of a person, trying to hang on to what I have left. I start seeing a therapist next month to deal with my issues.
Anybody have any thoughts on her rights to demand to come back to her home? I am in new territory. When I placed dad in MC, of course he did not want to stay, but his cognitive situation overrode his ability to make his own decisions. If my mom comes home I'm afraid it's going to be the end of me.
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She will never stop tearing you down, you have to step back and let her cope with her new reality.
Don't engage or listen to the garbage she is spewing to guilt you into giving her what she wants. She is missing her highs right now and that makes her mad. When she starts in, you hang up, walk away and live to fight another day.
You know that she is in the best place possible for her needs. Her wants no longer concern you.
I would honestly take a month break and regain the balance that you lost when your dad passed and she started all her crap. She will be okay, she will be mad but what is new.
Upstream you have given her so much and she has taken all she can, you matter in this and it doesn't matter that she doesn't have any other children to spew her venom on, that doesn't mean that you just have to buck up and take it. Great big hug! Step back before you die from the stress. She is fine with only the staff to chew on.
Live your life. Her fate is her own.
As to "not liking it" I would tell her that you understand that there are many end of life situations that will not be to her liking and that you are very sorry about that, and that you will continue to do all you can to help her adapt and adjust, but that much of her ongoing life is in her hands, and will result from her basic attitude. She has not been happy at home, either. So you are not looking at anything new here.
You have my admiration for all you have done for your parents. There is nothing that could be done better. Hugs out to you. I think you will not be able to "fix" her behavior or her attitude, but do consult with her MD about withdrawal during the time.
Remind her that the doctor is the one who said she has to be in the AL. You cannot go against the doctor's wishes.
I am glad you are seeking therapy, it does help, but it also takes time.
You are allowed to hung up the phone or leave if you are visiting the moment she starts into you. She will never understand or accept that she has caused you any harm. So it is your job to protect yourself against any further harm.
This is all a game with her, manipulation, to get what she wants, don't fall for it. She hasn't been there long enough to settle in and you are her go to complaint department.
It is no longer about her wants, it is about her needs...she needs to be where she is. You can tell her when you get a letter from her doctor(s) saying she can be sent home, you will take it under consideration. It won't happen.
Practice some new language to start using:
Gee mom, that's unfortunate.
I'm sorry to hear you feel that way.
How do you plan to handle that situation, mom?
There are plenty of other seniors in her ALF that she can talk and complain with every day, plenty of activities to enjoy, lots of meals and snacks to complain about, if she so chooses. Otherwise, she may choose to sit in her apartment and sulk all day. It's up to her.
In any event, she's no longer your problem, so figure out how to cut down your interactions with her and allow her to form her OWN life over there.
Best of luck!
If mom can manage to arrange her own release and get herself back home, leave her be and allow her to self destruct. Do NOT let her take you down with her.
I'm so sorry its come to this. ((((Hugs)))))
You have done more than most kids would do and put up with more than most also--and done it w/o support, it sounds like.
Block your mom's number from your phone. At least for now, and for as long as you and your therapist agree is appropriate.
This is called going 'grey rock' where you don't cut them off completely, but rather control the amount of time and energy you give them.
As an only child, you don't have the support of sibs--but believe me, they are not always "supportive' and can actually be a blockade to doing the right thing for an aging parent.
I have not spoken to my mother since I told her I had cancer, 8+ months ago. Her response was "Oh, your daddy will be so glad to see you" (daddy's been dead 15 years.) What kind of mother DOES that? It crushed me, but also made me realize she TRULY does not care about me, so I cut ties with her---and haven't spoken to her for 8 months. She is getting a group Christmas gift that I organized but I am not taking it to her nor do I have any desire to ever see her again.
Maybe in time the broken heart will heal. The cancer did. But I had to preserve myself, and dealing with her (she has not been dxed with any kind of cognitive disorder)….really made me sicker.
Believe me, although I was sick as a dog for months, NOT talking to or dealing with her has been so peaceful.
In time, she may find some peace in the lovely place that you lovingly found for her. If she doesn't, it's NOT YOUR FAULT!
Let her settle in and limit contact. You are not responsible for her happiness and you are not obliged to assist her in an ill-advised move back to her home.
There is no law, civil or moral, that says that you must destroy your life in order to aid and abet a parent who is in pursuit of self-destruction.
Big Hug. You made it this far. Let the staff take care of things. Visit once a week. Mainly just be her advocate. But don't worry to much what she wants, just what she needs.
Live your life. You are doing what you can. Take care of You too
She is not free to move into your house without your invitation.
She is not free to insist that you do the work of moving her.
You have no legal or moral duty to carry out any preparations for her to move back home.
So... I'd say "let her try it." How far do you think she'd get without your active co-operation?
If that hasn’t happened yet, you may want to have one done, using her resources to get it.
Then consider the fact that having had so many falls and being a substance abuser, she needs a SAFER environment than is (or can be?) provided in her home.
But I’ve spent MANY years as responsible party for people in residential care, and have yet to hear a single person cheerfully exclaim about how happy they were to be there, except one woman who thought my mother was her personal maid, hired by her son for his mother’s comfort.
What I HAVE observed is that people who complain loudly can sometimes be the happiest residents after a couple years. The other aspect important in the “going home” quandary can also be that “home” means where they lived as children or in college or as young marrieds, NOT the place they left before entering residential care.
Final thought, tragically “what she says” is not in her best interests. Not even close.
You have a very strong tool with the hospital recommendation. Do you have written documentation regarding what you were told so explicitly?
Whether you “dumped her there to die” or didn’t makes absolutely no difference in the way this whole thing should or does play out.
You have done FINE with what you've described, and there is no reason for you to question or second guess your decision making. Stop talking to her as though logic will work. It won’t.
Relax and enjoy the life you’re making for yourself.
let staff know you are monitoring her care. This will give you a well deserved break and ease your mind, too. Momma may even make a new friend in the process. (((Hugs)))
Do you have financial POA document? If so, bring it to her bank--they just scan it, email the scan to their legal department, get it approved, and you take back the original--takes about an hour. Establish a relationship with one the people at the bank branch--they may work with you a bit more than you expect, once you explain the situation. It would be good if they would alert you if she calls the bank and orders more checks sent to her at the facility.
Not sure of this is the case in all states--secure facility legally required to provide access to a phone and must provide envelopes and postage, must mail letters for resident. BUT you can ask the facility to mail all of mom's outgoing mail to YOU, and they will do it.
Sounds like she's not at secure wing yet, but from your description, that's the next step.
PS: Taj Mahal facility in suburban Maryland costs $9,000 per month.
Most elderly people want to remain in their own homes and will do anything in their power to guilt their carers into allowing it. That is understandable, and sounds like your mother is super-successful in that department. Even when they no longer remember what home is, or where it is, they still want to go there. You call it the Taj Mahal that your mother is not satisfied with. With my mother, we say it would be Buckingham Palace and she still would not change her mind about the lovely facility she now lives in.
It is what it is. Steel yourself to ignore it. Come to think of it, steel yourself to ignore all her jibes, accusations, and any other negativity she can use to manipulate you. A therapist will help you to find the strength, and the pathway to negotiate this minefield you find yourself inhabiting. Your mother's carers and medical professionals have responsibility for her welfare from here on in. You are 'just' family and not responsible for your mother's happiness.
Let her rant and you don’t even have to listen to it if you don’t want to. You know that this is best for both of you.
You have gone above and beyond what is called for. You went out of your way to find a lovely place and it would be wonderful if she showed some appreciation instead of complaining about living in a place that is not only attractive but where she will receive good care.
I’m afraid you may have to emotionally and perhaps physically detach from her. She will receive care from the staff. Even if it’s temporary. Take a break! You need it! You can check with the staff on her progress without seeing your mom. I’m in the same boat as MidKid. I no longer have a relationship with my mom. It is what it is. I’m in therapy and doing what I have to do in order to cope.
She is expecting entirely too much from you and I feel like you are totally aware of that. You do not wish to be manipulated by her demands and I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do.
Honestly, she has set you up for resentment so how can she complain about any backlash that she has received by you.
Truly, the only backlash that she has received is your expressing your feelings on feeling as if she has ruined your life and you had a right to tell her how you felt.
You have dedicated more than many others would have to her so you have nothing to feel guilty about. You know that you made the correct choice to move forward in your life by finding suitable living arrangements for her. I am only confirming what you already know. This is long overdue!
Resume your life. I am glad you are tending to your emotional well being by seeing a therapist soon. I wish you well. You deserve to spend your remaining days happy and at peace.
Sending you a bazillion hugs and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Anyway, I just want to say thank you all very much, it's been horrible doing this all alone and dealing with the emotional sh*t-storm that has come along with it. This forum has been my sounding board and voice of reason since 2014 and I really appreciate you all.
The treatment for Alzheimer's is proper environment for the individual and I am certain being around people who loathe the sight of us is not the place to go through a terrifying and difficult terminal illness.
I took care of my Dad part time, more as needed. We were communicating on his level, knowing he spoke in metaphors, or with his eyes. I did not keep telling him "You already said that!". He was lucky, in his own home, my Mom was reluctantly there. We paid a guy to shower him. I loved that he learned to trust me. Staying at his side while the week he died was one of the most loving experiences of my life. We healed our troubled past during his illness.
I believe the idea we are less than human and deserving of all the insults and ways to cut us off you all found delightful, is why there is no public effort to give everyone with dementia the chance to be away from people who hate the job of support person. It is a living hell for us too, so that should erase some of any guilt anyone ever has about placing us somewhere. But we are toxic and disposable.
Your Mom is thriving away from your distress, good for her, although even when she says "this is fine don't worry" all of you assume she is playing you.
You can't believe we are incompetent and playing mind games. Maybe we are reacting to danger from our gut brains. When you become helpless things come across differently in both speaking and listening, part of illness.
Congratulations to so many of you on success in maintaining your own lives.
Yes, please put us some place we might like (view of dog park was exactly right) and let those who care, lobby for more places that are not $4000+ a month and let us have a place to remain human and give us a gentle end.
Not having the money seems to put a damper on the disgust, a family who has to stay together may be best option, if there is enough support. I found a dog was a great help to my Dad's peace of mind. Everyone abandoned us like they abandoned me when I was diagnosed.
American style dementia care. Merry Christmas.
This forum is not for the patient, it is for caregivers to have a safe place to vent so we can continue to help our unreasonable, selfish parents.
most of us in our lives have thought a person was doing or intending something and later find out we misunderstood. People who feel unwanted and are unable to elicit warmth from others may try to express their needs in unusual ways.
To assume people with dementia are deliberately trying to undermine those we need the most is often misinterpretation of the GOAL of the behavior.
I am hoping some who have suffered from the rants and rages and weird stuff that happens as a brain breaks down will consider it easier on everyone to wonder about the goal of the behavior.
When a brain shrinks, is starved, and connections fail it brings a sense of terror and whatever I say or do in that condition is to just feel safer in some way. Sometimes in my mind I struggle with what is coming across from my tone, words, actions and I can not stop it or change it. Not because I want to keep being misunderstood, or cruel, or to hurt but from desperation to be understood.
The broken brain is forgotten, we are held to account like we have a choice.
My hope is caregivers learn to interpret words and actions from a damaged brain with a perspective that is not punitive.
One day I was very hurt and tired when caring for my dad and I cried. My mother told to Go home! My dad who had dementia came over to me and patted my knee and said to my mom, "some kids on the playground were mean to her." He was so right, there were no kids on a playground but he knew what I felt.
Not understanding difference between a brain malfunction expressing a need and hate or malicious intent will lead to more of same and make it worse, Once you get it, the words and actions are like puzzles to solve.
My dad wanted to drive his car, my mother would fight with him about it. He loved his car, I set us up to wash it in driveway and he was so happy. She still thought he was trying to fight with her and washing the car was to get back at her.
We don't yell at blind people and say "You could see that table if you wanted to! You're just trying to get me to..."
This is why some people do better in assisted living - the care giver is paid and learned to not take offence. They don;t take it personally.
We can feel the tension, it lowers our ability to function.
Our behavior is kind of the like the person who is drowning and waving for help to person on shore, and the person on shore waves back instead of rescuing them because that is what they see.
One can learn to stop taking offense.
Also would like to share that CBD oil (not hemp oil but from a dispensary) calms me incredibly fast, and is being used by thousands of us to great success. I can type, walk further, sometimes cook, within 15 minutes of dose, low THC for day, and dose with THC for night for sleep.
Taking puffs of certain strains also instantly calms me - even if in a rage state (don't have rages since using it). Cheap, no bad side effects, often makes me happy or allows me to be creative.
Life changing.
I've been through this twice when dad moved to AL, which he later loved...and then again with his move to LTC. Which to this day he’s not thrilled with. But hey..I’m not the one who is declining.
I too had to have therapy and even had to stay away from him once for several months until he calmed down. Please do not capitulate to your mom's sulking etc. She doesn’t have the where with all to make decisions that are in her best interests. You have done your best. Time for you to take a break and let mom carry on.
The frequent falls were causing broken bones and it was a safety issue.
If she lives AL and goes back home that she will be on her own and risking another fall or worse.
I would sell the house since she can't live there safely anymore.
No house means she'll have to accept living in the AL.Goodluck