Is there a way to get my Mom to talk about something other than all the things that are wrong?

Well, sometimes this can seem like a negative retort, but you could always change the subject to some disaster or other somewhere in the world. Comments such as, "but aren't you glad you aren't living in a country where there's constant fighting - you wouldn't even be able to see a doctor." Or "I just read that there are still people in Nepal who haven't been located after the massive earthquake." Or something similar....change the subject, redirect, and if you have to, babble on for awhile, with other topics of change in the back of your mind if the complaining starts again.

It could also be that she's angry at her state in life now and just wants to vent. But it is an energy drainer.

HelpMeMom, sounds like your Mom needs to be around people of her own age group.... she is bored, so she complains to get attention. Any Senior Centers that are nearby? Any chance of her moving to Assisted Living. Look at all the things she could complain about there, like the children never come to visit, the food is terrible, but it would be to the other residents ;)

She is wanting you to fill the void and do everything for her because she is depressed as hell and does not feel up to it herself. That does not mean you actually try to do it all for her, but just take the perspective that she has become seriously depressed and needs treated for that and act accordingly. Depression is a very debilitating disease, and she probably was mildly chronically depressed before losing your dad and now its blossomed into what you are seeing now. I suspect that as things stand she has no more capacity to see her way out of this negative thinking and the box she has put herself in than the man in the moon.

She probably didn't drive the car because she couldn't, not because she didn't want to. Maye antidepressants would help. Ask her Dr, take her there, and insist that she go. You mother sounds like she is in a very dark place.You need to help her.

Maybe a geriatric psychiatrist could help.

I have noticed that the ego is the last thing to go.

You might want to ask her about things that she did well. "Hey, mom, how did you do this or that?" It doesn't matter whether you care about the answer particularly, but it can get her off on a topic that she does feel good about. I often ask my mom about her childhood (hundreds of stories) and that occupies her without negativity for quite while.

And, of course, I always have to suggest medication. My mom was an impossible nuisance untill she got on the right meds. Have you had her evaluated? Trust me on this one: it is worth it. The right meds can turn things around overnight.

My mom goes from one extreme to the other complains about her friends, the lawn service, the doctor, says she's foggy, weak (she's sharper and more energetic then me, she uses a walker but she runs with it. Then she'll start talking about how blessed she is and how she knows God takes care of everything and goes off on long religious conversations that even though I share her beliefs bore me to death.
She escalates every twinge she may feel to be a serious health issue.

Perhaps she needs understanding, sympathy and empathy instead of being shot down every time she complains. She is most likely depressed and anxious because you all stay away from her which only makes it worse. Then you took her only mode of transportation away. She has a right to complain with uncaring, unsupportive people shunning her all the time. Perhaps your father was passive aggressive and gave her the silent treatment every time she had a valid complaint. (Look up passive aggressive men) Perhaps you need to look into whether her complaints are valid or not. Take her seriously and then find out what she use to enjoy doing and help her to find herself once again.

Does sound like she is depressed from missing your father, old age, loneliness and a predisposition, if at al possible ask if the doctors will see her about that condition. There may be some help with taking a mild antidepressant. Don't forget old people react strongly to medication so don't let her get over medicated, but just the right dose would take the edge off, not solve everything but definitely give more energy and take off the worst of the edge.

Hi, I know exactly how you are feeling and my visits have come to a stop to give myself some breathing space! But if she is in her own home without care, it is so difficult, my mum is in a care home, and with all the 24 hr care still wants or tries to emotionally blackmail me, is there anyone you could employ to take her out to give you a break!.? I so understand where you are coming from, as I feel exactly the same, my mums old neighbours no longer visit because she keeps saying "She wants to die etc, and this is why my visits have now stopped! For now, I hope you can get some respite from this. ; )

I could've written this myself! My mom has been a complainer for as long as I can remember, constantly complaining about my dad, sister, brother, in-laws, mailman, neighbors, ducks, plants. You get the idea. I have come to realize that's the only way she knows how to communicate. I try to change the topic, tell her more about my own day, or just cut the visit or phone call short. Sometimes I feel guilty because I can't wait to get away from her. She has me with a full-time job, my retired sister who lives 500 miles away and visits twice a year, and a very kind aide 2 hours/week who she also detests. She never had a lot of friends or nurtured relationships, instead picking at their imagined faults. It's a lot of pressure, guilt, sadness, responsibility for me without the complaints. I have learned to shut out the complaints/demands and just do what I can.

My mom is a lot like this. She is 88, with dementia and living in an AL facility. She complains about being bored, nobody comes to visit, she has a terrible cold, the other residents aren't friendly. I know that the staff takes her to an activity two or three times each day, other residents are chatting in the community areas, she does not have a cold, and the sad truth is that except for me and my children, there is no one left to visit her. Her friends, who are as old or older than she is, are homebound or in care facilities. When I ask who she would like to have visit, she often mentions friends who have been dead for as long as 20 years!

She is in a very good facility, and on an antidepressant. I visit once or twice each week and take her to appointments. She makes no effort to get out of her apartment on her own to visit with the other residents or to entertain herself. After several years of this, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot change her, I can only change the way I react to her. As a result, I keep my visits and phone calls short. If she starts complaining, I make up a reason why I need to hang up. Listening to a long litany of complaints is exhausting and stressful.

Dear Helpmemom, sorry you are dealing with this stress. There are a lot of comments suggesting that you could do more to help your mom, but I am guessing you are doing a ton. It does sound like she is depressed but it could also just be her personality for whatever complex reasons. I am dealing with a similar situation and it is overwhelming to me. I am an only child and want to help my mom be happy but it seems futile at times. She refuses to take anti-depressants but I am probably going to need them soon. Good luck to you. Check out some of the posts on narcissism and see if they apply.

The negativity is very common. I try to redirect when she does or even when she brings up the same topic over and over. Mom is still living with me at the moment but on a waiting list for a care facility. It is exhausting and challenges me to the core. I too have come to the conclusion that I cannot change her or her illness. But I need to release myself from the guilt.

Excellent topic and I find comfort in knowing this issue seems more common than I thought in the beginning. Not sure why I expected anything different as my Mom has always been a glass half empty person. That said, our roles are now reversed and I want to be able to live with myself after she is gone. So I use techniques to keep myself whole as a top priority. First, acceptance of this current life situation. We can't change their behavior. We can change our reaction and our personal emotional state. Yoga, meditation and breathing exercises keeps my own personal resilience in check. Being able to flip the switch in my head back to a positive state is totally up to me. I find talking about the good times helps to change the subject. Bringing her flowers, bring a good movie DVD to watch while visiting. What I have learned is a bad visit can't drain me unless I let it. My Mom and stepdad have their own home 2 miles away. She would have me their all day every day. We talk on the phone multiple times a day and I visit every other day.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. Or in this case, misery. If she has always been this way, I doubt if she'll change now, as she ages. I feel badly that you have to listen to her. Put on the car radio when she is with you. Read when you are at her doctor's. At her house, do little chores, that take you in and out of whatever room she's in.it doesnt sound like you can just sit and talk with her.

SO understand all of you who have either stopped visiting or limited visits. If I didn't I'd have to change my name to GetnWeak. : ) Interestingly, I spent last evening going through cards which I'd saved from my aunts (her sisters) who were in ALFs as she is, or at home but in bad shape. Yes, they spoke of their infirmities, but talked about all the things to do at the ALF, etc. They accepted the changes brought by old age. Mother accepts nothing. She is nearly blind and deaf, but there are so many worse off than her, who are still pleasant and sociable.
All her frustration and anger is directed at me, and it sucks the life out of me, so I pull back. At my age (soon to be 73) I feel I have a right to enjoy my own old age, and pray that when my time comes, I can be gracious like my aunts, not bitter and angry like my mother. Meanwhile, I do what she needs, but leave when she starts to put me down, or my children. She has driven them away, and then complains that she never hears from them. So sad, and when she dies, I think I will cry for the relationship we never had, not for her death.

I feel your pain. My father is the same way. I never hear anything good. He watches CNN (all bad news) or baseball (if his team is losing, he turns it off). Says there is nothing else on tv when I tell him there are other things to watch. He wants no social interaction with "people his age" or anyone really. Yes, he is depressed, but decided to stop taking his antidepressant because he can't swallow them fast enough so they dissolve a little and burn his throat. Then he has that to complain about. I am reading the answers here. We all seem to be in good company.

Do you ever incorporate a lunch when you do take your mother to a Dr appt? Give her something to look forward to? Have you looked into any senior centers in your area you could take her to? Do you ever try and talk to your mother about her life as a young woman?

Granted no one wants to hear negativity, but if you were a elderly widow who has no way to get out of the house you would be negative to.

Your mother doesn't need see someone like a psychiatrist, I love people who immediatedly suggest that without looking at the situation or putting themselves into the person's shoes.

I think most of us would be depressed/negative is if the only time we get to leave the house is to go to the doctor. Try adding lunch or maybe even a movie after the Dr. appt.

Irishboy,I know you weren't responding to me..but I would love to take my dad to lunch, but his idea of lunch is McDonalds drive thru. Doesn't want to eat in public at a real restaurant. My sons have tried to talk to him about his army days and he won't talk about it. All his memories and knowledge will be lost. Won't go to a senior center either. Those are great suggestions. I hope they help someone. And I agree, taking someone to see a psychiatrist is tough. These folks grew up in an age where seeing a "shrink" was a stigma. Maybe it still is...

My mother is the same way, and it is annoying, but I understand it. And I'll tell you why.

My mother will be 87 in October. All of her siblings are dead. Most of her friends are dead too. My father died in 1992. She lives with me. She is in good medical health for her age, she still drives to church, to the bank, to the grocery store, to get her hair done. She has almost all of her marbles (although her memory is pretty bad). She has no hobbies or friends to do things with. She is hard of hearing, sometimes wears her hearing aids & sometimes she doesn't. She doesn't owe a penny to anyone, has excellent health insurance, has a good pension from my father & social security every month, and wants for nothing. She has severe spinal stenosis, for which she had a procedure done in December that eradicated almost 100% of the pain. She had very early stage 1 colon cancer in 2009 that she had a colon resection for & did not need radiation or chemo, so she got away lucky with that one. I buy most of the groceries in the house, as well as things for improvements & fixing stuff. I'm good like that, LOL.

Why does she complain & why is she so negative?

Because what else does she have in her life except other elderly people's health problems, other elderly people dying, her back pain gradually coming back, the fear of cancer coming back, etc. She's lucky I live with her, or else she'd have no one to talk to on a daily basis. I have 2 brothers, but they don't really come to see her & call her every now & then. I get it. I don't enjoy it, but I get it. When you're closer to death than you are to birth, I think mortality is always on your mind. Every ache & pain makes you think it's the end.

When I hear people say they want to live to be 100 years old, I laugh. Do those people realize that by that time, all of your friends will be dead, if you're the youngest all of your siblings will be dead, your spouse will probably be dead, you most likely won't be able to live by yourself or drive a car or make your own meals or take a shower/bath by yourself, you'll be deaf, etc? People think when they say they'd like to live to be 100 years old that they'll be in the same shape they were in when they were 50 years old, and that's not the case. The human body is like a car---when you're born, you're like a brand new, shiny car being driven off the lot. As you get older, just like a car, things start to break & need fixing & replacing, the paint starts to peel & rust begins to appear, the tires lost their tread, there are little dents & dings & scratches, and if you manage to keep the car for 30 years, other cars have come along with much better technology so the other cars that would have been 30 years old become obsolete & you don't see them on the road anymore. You're the only 30 year old car left on the road. Who wants to drive a 30 year old car that has rust, dents, bald tires, no radio or air conditioning, broken radio, torn up seats? The owner of the 30 year old car would be complaining about all of those things, just like an elderly person complains about everything in their life.

As I said, my mother complains & is negative-----and I don't like it & it is annoying & frustrating, but I get where she's coming from. I try to keep that in mind, but sometimes I do have to distance myself from her or I'll end up the same way.

I can't add anything helpful as everyone else has covered it.
i will just add that my hubby is totally negative with remarks like'It's the govt spying on us" The Internet provider has changed all my password the govt is tracking me" we have to prepare for what's coming" "Cash in your 401K and buy gold" other than that he is reading medical journals to research real and imagined diseases. now he has been loaned an anchant book from the 1700s written by a Dr of that time describing approaches to treatment like the use of leeches and treating patients with hyrophobia by blood letting till they died or suffocating them between two matresses. the author is forward thinking enough to disagree with many of these practices and way ahead of his time in some of his treatments.

Veronica, does your husband watch those survivalist programs in which people retreat into bunkers and stockpile for an Armageddon? I was surprised how many people have adopted this approach and see the federal government as a usurper of democracy as well as just a menace. Some of those people are so paranoid it's frightening.

As I've read these posts about dementia and the various ways it presents in different people, I keep wondering if it narrows one's focus so much that people resort to basic survival concepts - i.e., protecting oneself from the government, focusing on the negative, developing unreasonable fears... just a thought.

I think we are missing your mom's point she can't drive she would like to see a doctor for this or that she's dropping you big hits that she needs your help and you are missing the point of her talk hey I am not her age but I don't like to go to doctors alone and they make good excuses to spend the day with you after shopping or eating out or just sitting in a park rather then in her yard or house not knocking you your a wonderful girl but take her out to stuff o rt call make her doctor appointment and drive her then tell her your plans to have a coffee with her on the way back and we'll the senior center is OK but I belong to one and old or young they have cicks groups of men and lady's who treat you like outsiders so unless she has friends who go it is best you go with here to help her get in with a few feindy ones I am an open person with a who cares addatued so I am not bothered by the littlegroup minded people iI greet everyone with love but she may feel out of place with those people unless you are there to make her at easy and companions are welcome in these senior groups its not like dropping a kid in school and even they have a hard time I want you to know the same snobby kids don't grow old and become nice with age they just get old and nothing is diffent

As I've been reading the responses here, I kept remembering two women I worked with at my last job. One was somewhat morose, always seemed to be if not unhappy, just not happy; she never smiled. I know part of the situation was our mutual boss, but we both had choices and could leave (which we both did eventally).

Another was worse - I never once saw her smile; she always had a scowl on her face. Her boss was different than ours - he was personable (hot, too!), she didn't have a difficult workload, but just was a sourpuss.

After her brother had a heart attack, I asked a few days later how he was doing. She snapped at me with a retort something to the effect of "how do you THINK he's doing??!!". I said I was sorry to have disturbed her and never bothered to speak to her again unless it was just a good morning.

Now I'm wondering how many of the elders being discussed here were like this 20, 30 and 40 years ago? I know some of their dissatisfaction is age related as well as their current conditions, but I can't help wondering if these are personality traits that manifest more intensely as life gets worse.

yikes.. 85 and all alone!? im sure she suffering from depression and being very lonely! this wouldn't be good for anyone. can you get her in a nice senior living apt. those are awesome....great meals are served in nice dining rooms, and lots of activities for seniors!

cjbailey, that must be tough with your dad. You and your sons clearly try to get your dad interested, but he has no interest.

But in the case of the OP we don't hear about any attempt to do this. If she is just showing up to take her mother to the doctor and nothing else, well that would put anyone in a bad mood.

Too Young for This, I think you hit the nail on the head. It must be very difficult to see everyone who is your peer die or be sick.

Lifeexperience, that sounds nice. But that costs $$$$$. You're looking at easily $4k a month for that, and more in some parts of the country. You make it sound like it's so easy. $4K * 12 = $48K a year.

I see myself in everyone's response. I catch myself only speaking
of negative things with my health. Not to justify, but picture their side.
I have spent 5 days alone with no visits or phone calls and I have great
children. However, they have lives of their own nod families also. I luckily
can still do most of my own care taking. But find myself telling my family
about the things I can't do and sometimes I only have negative things to
talk about. I do try not to ask if I can possibly do something on my own.
I have ask my family to remind me when I get on the downside so I can
change subject. Sometimes it works when they bring it to my attention. I have no one to talk to either positive or negative and it's hard being alone.

If I start to focus on conspiracy theories or that the gov't is after me, I use my mind to correct my thinking, and remind myself that I am just not that important. I have a friend and we discuss these things, but we always follow with, what is positive that day. We both hate it that our adult children just say: 'that was in the past; that is just a conspiracy theory; or, that is just negative'. The problem is to have anything we say devalued and not listened to, just to be shut up. I guess it would take a caring and intelligent person to distract an ill person's focus, especially when the focus is delusional.
You can start the conversation by saying what is good.

In defense of "helpmemom," I would ask some to re-read her post. This is not merely a reaction to a new situation, it has been on-going for a very, very long time, decades, and is now just getting worse. It is very easy to imagine that others are withholding understanding, sympathy, and empathy, until we offer those things for decades to no avail. I know many children and grandchildren in the US and in Germany who have simply been worn down to a sort of "survival state" by this negativity.

Hang in and get some help. Look into a geriatric doctor and the right meds. You may be surprised.