i.e. bad doctors, bad gardeners, etc?
Every time I see my mother all she talks about is negative stuff, it is so hard for me to listen to. There is never, and I mean never anything good that she talks about. The adult grandchildren really don't see her, because of this. My father died about 6 years ago, she was negative then but now it is terrible. She mostly sits at home all day, she is 85 years old. She keeps talking about all the doctor appointment she needs, eye doctor, skin doctor, etc, but never makes the appointments - we finally got rid of her car this year, and she still talks about how she wishes she had the car, which she hadn't driven in over a year, and even then maybe once or twice. I drive her to all her appointments, with a full time job.
Our personality traits manifest more intensely as we age. Anything we have been hiding behind a mask become more difficult to hide and it comes out.
This is why making any adjustments need to be made early to ourselves if we are aware soon enough that we need to change. Otherwise, we are who we are.
If perspectives can change, I would think personality traits could as well, especially if someone makes a sincere and dedicated effort.
I respect your opinion but don't necessarily think that we're products of what we were when younger. And I do think that caregiving, as well as financial constraints, change people - but not everyone changes for better or for worse. It depends on the individual.
I would also argue that traumatic events can cause psychological changes well beyond anything anticipated - military service in combat zones, for example.
I did mention that we can make adjustments if we see the need which some people don't and even among those who do like my SIL, the change involves more pain than they want to work through.
I didn't mean to sound deterministic.
Much does depend on how the person chooses to respond to things which for some their family of origin makes it more difficult to chose a healthy way to respond verses an unhealthy.
I guess I should have said that with various exceptions, we tend to be basically who we were unless we make a valiant effort to change and the older we get, the less open to change we tend to be.
Many caregivers here seem to often be stuck in family of origin issues that is making it very difficult to deal with aging parents who were difficult when the person was a child. To rule out recent changes, I almost always ask if this is how their parent always has been or if this is a recent change and go from there.
Basically much of the outcome depends on how we respond and our responses don't take place in a vacuum. There are also various social, psychological and other factors in play.
I'm glad that I'm not totally the product of my childhood, but although I have made choices along the way , my childhood did impact me and even impacted how I responded to things in the wrong way before I got into therapy.
What you can do is focus on how you might better cope and protect yourself from her negativity. That could mean a number of things because what works for one does not work for us all. Counseling and or support groups are good for this. Best of luck to you.
It might look a bit different in different people.
Some need a target they can accuse and vent at.
Some complain of how rotten their lives are.
Others just can't say anything nice.
"Depression" is not the only trigger:
---old behavior patterns
---illnesses
---nutritional deficiencies
---brain injuries [includes strokes and dementias]
All these can cause a person to develop negative conversation patterns.
It can be VERY off-putting.
It sucks the life out of other people, particularly if those lack the ability to recognize what it is, and set realistic boundaries/limits on the elder's use of them. LOTS of people learned as children, that we're supposed to "be there" for our elders, and allow them to behave like that was OK--only it's not!
We got to the point it was safe to only allow contact via mail or email, when otherwise trying to set realistic limits on Mom's use of us, failed.
Only you can take into consideration what your elder's life has been like, what might contribute to the present behaviors, and if there might be an illness or deficiency contributing to the behaviors....
If you suspect something like that, it needs brought to the Doc's attention; be sure to explain Why you think there might be infection, nutritional deficiency, or possible brain injury.
Docs generally do not look for nutritional issues--they simply lack training, and what tiny bit they got in school, was largely erroneous. But they should easily be able to determine if there might be infections or brain injuries, and sort that from dementia.
The building blocks we learn as children--those foundational lessons every child must learn, to whatever proficiency they learn them, become foundations for everything we build upon those later over our lifetimes.
That's why early childhood development is so very important to get it right.
The wonkier the foundations, the crooked-er the building, so-to-speak.
To which I added in response.
"Although the truth can set one free, few people are comfortable with the honest truth and that's why there are so many living with so many secrets plus truths that they know but will not deal with either because it is too painful or because of fear."
Negative people are draining because as someone said somewhere on this site that they often outsource their problems instead of owning them, dealing with them and I would add instead of getting professional help when needed.
People will sympathize to a point, but if you aren't dealing with things and reaching out for the help that they can't give but they hope you will get, they get worn out and leave for their own emotional self-protection. I think that others sacrifice themselves thinking people are going to change who are not going to change which is unrealistic and presumptuous, plus they were emotionally groomed to be so sacrificial.