She has been with us since Feb. We have had about 6 caregivers and she has lasted longer than any of them. We tried using an agency but had such a bad experience that we decided that private care was more affordable and dependable. I really hate to lose this one and it really isn't the food, it is more that I feel cautious about trusting her now. Mom does not have valuables laying around and I take care of all the financial stuff so the food isn't something I really keep an eye on. Finding another caregiver just fills me with despair.
Or you can give her a cash bonus when she meets certain goals...like keeping the inventory for the freezer up to date.
Or buy a lock for the freezer.
This lady has been working for your mother for five months and you have been very pleased with her reliability and quality of care.
And yet. You cannot bring yourself to believe that she might be completely blameless in this fish matter, can you. You're prepared to "let it go." You're content to feel reassured that at least now she knows that she can't get away with stealing anything else.
For God's sake! Suppose she has never taken and would never take *anything* that did not properly belong to her - which is, I suppose, the basic morality you'd expect of a person you'd call decent?
I think she's right. I think you'd better stick with that inventory idea, and do a stock-take every month or something like that. Otherwise she will be constantly trying to prove a negative - that she hasn't stolen anything - and she won't be able to bear it.
Put yourself in the shoes of an innocent person, and try to imagine how you would feel about what you've written.
If possible keep the food in the freezer at a minimum. If this is a chest freezer or a stand alone freezer they usually have locks on them I would keep it locked.
Put or keep enough in the kitchen freezer for a week or so, do not stockpile stuff.
If you feel comfortable about it have a talk with her and say that you have noticed items missing. Ask if there is a problem. It is possible that while she has this job now her husband may be out of work or hours cut and they are short on cash and they have 3 kids to feed. I would not have a problem giving them a bit of food. I would also let her know that there is a food pantry that I donate to but I would give my donations to her.
On the other hand if there are no problems and she is just taking so that it will cut back on her bills so she can buy an extra case of beer for the weekend I would feel less "generous" and tell her if it happens again she will be looking for other employment.
I was in my father's assisted living apartment and he insisted I take the cash he had in his apartment. At most he would have $70. No, he insisted he had just counted it and it was $15,000. I could not convince him otherwise. Ended up spending a half hour looking for the money to make him happy.
With that said my coworker employed a lot of in home care for her mom. It was difficult just to get people to show up. She said every last one of them came with a LARGE bag and yes things went missing all the time. She had one woman who would shop for her mother. Gave her a grocery card and credit card. Coworker noticed her mom's grocery bills seemed high so she went to the grocery store and had them print out a list of items purchased on her card. There were several items that her mother would not have needed or bought. She alerted the agency and they took the side of the carer. She tried to press charges but prosecutor's office said since it was less than $250 it wasn't worth pursuing.
CharK60
Presenting it in this way will let her know that you know the fish is gone, you know that mom could have given it to her and you are honestly and sincerely trying to avoid any implications of theft by her, now and in the future.
Perhaps clarifying that mom may be giving her things that are not hers to give or that she doesn't know what you had planned, communication is the best policy.
You should never be completely trusting of a worker in your home, you should always just be mindful of what is going on. Not saying don't trust them but you need to know what they are doing for a multitude of reasons. They are only human after all.
A good way to check is to leave out a few coins and see if they disappear. If so, you know there is a problem. If not, perhaps you are right to try to forget about this one instance.
She apparently found too many things that went missing-leading to my brother becoming suspicious that she was behind all the missing stuff hidden away in sock drawers, freezer, under beds and in shoes-
my brother let her go -my mom was distraught for weeks-
the missing ‘stuff’ continued and they found a lot of it because it was still put in the usual places
so be really careful accusing anyone of taking stuff especially from an Alzheimer’s patient
I could see this happening if some time passed between her trying to get you to take it and you having time to move it from her freezer to yours.
Whether it is for this caregiver or the next ones, you may need to clarify your expectations in writing so all three of you are on the same page.
Do they work for you or Mom? You are in charge of hiring, training, and payroll, but ...
Is Mom competent to make small gifts of food or household objects (e.g., fruit from her trees, clutter or donatables)?
Do they eat with Mom if she has a snack or meal during their shift?
Your local library may have online materials or curbside pickup that can help you to handle some of the technicalities you don't want to pay an agency to do.
If you are 100% certain the caregiver is taking food from your mom's freezer and after you talk with her (as most of the other people who have commented here have suggested) and allowing her a chance to give an explanation, maybe you could keep an inventory list. You could even put it on the refrigerator so she knows about it and it would provide some accountability.
Even though my mom is in a facility and has no need for a private caregiver, I do it in my own home just so I know what I have on hand at any given moment and it helps me when I want to go shopping next. Since I buy the usual things, I can just create a template on our computer and print it out adding or deleting as needed and I always leave room in case I want to write something down at the last minute.
It's just a suggestion due to the fact that you find her dependable in every other way and she must be getting along with your mom. Plus the fact you're in despair just thinking about having to find yet another caregiver especially after already having had six other caregivers and a bad experience with an agency.
Good luck in however you decide to handle the situation and give us an update if you can!
-Do you know what happened to the bag of ‘whatever they were’?
it could be as simple as -
-Oh yeah your mom left Them out on the counter and I didn’t know if they were safe so I threw them out
or she might not know-
Give a lot of benefit of doubt when it comes to things missing
my mom threw a lot of things away, gave things away, hid things -
I also like the idea someone said of offering snacks and drinks-it’s thoughtful and will let her know you care about her -those kind of gestures go a long way -you know she’s going through a hard time while caring for your mom so showing her kindness will be appreciated
Secondly, if there is proof, then I would ask you to sit with her and start with the positive. Tell her, "You know............, we have loved having you here. You are one of our best and most trusted caregivers. We would HATE to lose you. I am going to tell you what I know, and then I would like you to tell me your own part, because I cannot believe this would happen unless you felt quite desperate." Then tell her what is missing, how you know it was her. Ask for an explanation. I think in these times we may be missing the forest for the trees. People are very desperate. She may need pointing to resources. She may be the only one in her family working. There may be many mouths to feed.
At the very least you are giving this woman a chance to own this, to try to explain it, to learn from it going forward.
I would speak with her.
If you just "let this go" but leave a cloud hanging over this women's reputation, you are doing her a great injustice.
Give her the benefit of the doubt and see if she gives you a reasonable explanation.
If she is a thief, she's testing the waters and it behooves you to let her know you've noticed.
If she has a hungry family to feed, you can help her get aid, or share some of your abundance and perhaps easier access to good food.
If your mother insisted she take the fish but no longer remembers that, you have an entirely different problem on your hands.
I don't see how you lose by asking.
If you really are sure she took the food from the freezer, have a little talk with her. Let her know that you are willing to help her in any way you can but to please do not take from you or your mom.
I would just keep some snacks and drinks around for the caregiver.
Perhaps your mother offered the bag of fish to her CG, knowing that she was struggling. No way can she be supporting a family on the wages as a CG.
My client would ROUTINELY give me odd things (like a collector's plate with Nixon and Agnew on it)--I ALWAYS checked with family, b/c I KNEW that it could come back to bite me.
Talk honestly with the CG. Maybe you can help her out a little, she sounds, other than a little light fingered, like a good match for mom?
And yes,you need to make a spreadsheet for tax purposes. They aren't hard to do and if you deisgnate her a 1099 (Contract employee) I do not think you have to do the withholding taxes. I worked for a company that just used independent contractors and all I did was keep track of my hours. Employer sent me a year end receit. Up to me to add it in to my taxes.
There were supposedly two bags of frozen fish cutlets in the freezer. Your mother invited you to take them home with you. When you went to the freezer you found only one bag. Any other information?
If not, then if I were to jump to any conclusion from your position, it would probably have been that my mother was mistaken about how many bags were in the freezer to begin with. Yours is that the caregiver, being in straitened financial circumstances, must be a thief.
I hope you are quite certain of your facts. But in any case, would it not be better to ask the lady about this first?
Your headline asserts: caregiver is stealing food from my mother's freezer. In fact, ONE item has gone missing as of yesterday and this has yet to be explained. So ask for an explanation.
A lot of people are suffering and losing livelihoods, homes, savings, and going hungry and such as the virus rages on. Not your problem, but do you believe she will take anything else? Are you able to keep other valuables locked away and install cameras to keep an eye on the situation? I know it’s hard when you lose trust, but I think look at the entire situation before you make a decision on this. Then do what your head tells you to do. I wish you the best, nothing is easy in this year 2020.
great wit mom be careful how to handle that. Good caregivers are hard to find, as you have found.
I am concerned about how you are paying her. I am assuming it is under the table. Did you know that could cause nightmares if you were to try to get mom accepted to Medicaid? The payments would be viewed as a gift and subject to a dollar for dollar penalty, a period of time based on cost of nursing home costs, where mom would not be eligible for medicaid.
Caregiver must be an employee of mom's with appropriate taxes and social security and other withholdings paid. You need a caregiver agreement to do this all legally and without jeopardizing mom's future medicaid benefit. See an elder law attorney for assistance.
What do you mean by "stealing food"?
What has been taken? Is it an isolated occurrence or happening regularly? Have you spoken to her about it?