Over the past year I have joined my mother in her doctor visits because her memory is declining and she doesn't fully relate any issues or medical care but, does rely on me to help her with it at home. She fully and agreeably relies on my judgement to help. Her doctor is extremely dismissive of me in person. On the first visit, I handed her the FULL DPOA and she immediately told us that means nothing unless mom is incapacitated. I thought that was a regular "springing" POA that worked like that. The last two times she asked mom about her affairs being in order and she was told (by mom) that I am her primary home care and take care of everything for them...bill paying, house cleaning, shopping, cooking, appointments. The second time when mom told her that, she got closer to mom and looked pointedly at her and asked "and the rest of your children know this". I kept silent but was a bit put off. My family is tight and they all support me and are grateful I am able to be there as I am. I have one brother who comes to assist when my father is more incapacitated as his health is in much greater decline. There was a recent episode and mom had a bad morning with dad's care before her visit so she was visibly shaken. The doctor made comments like "How nice of your son to come and stay with you and your daughter is able to "bop in". WTH - I more than "BOP IN". They live next door and I am there 2-3 times each day. I never leave my property without taking them for a ride. I cook for them, clean, yard work, EVERYTHING. I wanted to set her straight but, mom has had her as her doctor for 20 years and she's almost 89. How do I inform this doctor she is overstepping her bounds and that as DPOA that I DO indeed have a say in what goes down. I wished she had just tended to moms' health. Instead she spent the whole visit talking about my fathers and his impending death and what was mom going to do. We have that covered and she has been told that 3 times now. I am a professional who owns my own business and has assigned staff to handle it while I spend my time caring. I do not rely on any income or inheritance from my parents and seek nothing but to help them in their elder years but, this doc is really rubbing me the wrong way.
I suggest you schedule a one-on-one meeting with the doctor and calmly discuss the issues. Take your brother if possible so she knows you are in accord. And ask her what kind of documentation she would like to have that would make her more comfortable including you in the consultations. If your mother likes this doctor and wants to continue to see her you should work it out.
There are a lot of comments now, and responses to them, and all too often people don't read them. Sometimes people don't even fully read the original post and/or misunderstand what was written before responding.
OP's additional comments (there are MANY more, but these are important to read BEFORE you decide to post a comment):
"My mother shows no signs of abuse or neglect and has told this doctor 3 times, I care for her and she relies on me."
"...we signed her office's consent form? Why does she feel unwelcoming of my presence? I know she's not there for ME but, she needs to understand I am there for my MOM."
"My only issue or question is, if she needs my mom to tell her 3 times my role, and she undermines my role in her caregiving - will she work with me as my mother becomes more reliant. Everyone seems to think I am inserting myself when I was just trying to establish the connection now that mom is beginning to need more and ASKED me to be a part of her visits. The problem is, the doctor doesn't seem to recognize it. My DPOA includes medical and financial. IT is NOT a springing POA. I've signed her office's required Consent form. That was all before this last episode of asking whether or not my siblings knew I was taking care of things for her."
NOTA BENE: POA includes medical, POA was provided as a reasonable responsible thing to do, mom consented to having OP present AND they've done the office CONSENT FORM. Also, doctor was informed by mom THREE different times what the relationship is between her and OP. If one has POA documents, doesn't it make more sense to have it on file at the doc office, rather than trying to scramble to find it and provide it in an emergency? Huh, peeps? How is providing legal documents a BAD thing? How is getting them on file suddenly twisted into OP taking control? You ASSUMERs need to get a life and stop assuming.
OP and mom's decision"
"It's okay though as mom and I have decided together on a course of action to speak with her about my role. Coming once more from mom...then we'll see about the next step."
GardenArtist posted this, which IS very important:
"If a doctor doesn't respect the patient's family, would I want to continue with him or her? The answer is no. I think that a doctor who criticizes a family member can w/o realizing it undercut the patient's relationship to that family member, and to me that's inexcusable."
As mom ages, she may become more reliant on OP. Dismissing OP now or not taking her seriously undermines mom's care, We need to know that a LO's doctor can work with the family as well as with the patient. I've dismissed doctors who didn't take me seriously, for my own medical needs, for my kids when young, for my cats and for my mother. I won't tolerate doctors who won't work with us, together, in our journey. In the case of kids and pets, they CAN'T speak for themselves. For aging LOs, they still can speak for themselves, but often don't or forget. It NEVER hurts to have another set of ears to hear the suggestions or instructions and it NEVER hurts to have someone who might be able to provide some enlightenment.
For all those naysayers who are assuming too much and spewing opinionated foolish comments, who spends more time with our kids, pets, aging LOs, the doctor or us? This doc sees mom twice a year for about 10 or 15 minutes and clearly doesn't LISTEN to her. YOU all think you know best? I think not.
If you click on the "D" at the upper right, select Activity from the menu displayed (guessing the letter would correspond to the first letter of your username - since mine is also D, it's a guess, but it makes sense!) Then click the arrow next to All Activity and select Messages.
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The Other Question is has your mother gotten an MPOA which is a Medical Full Power of Attorney. I had both DPOA and MPOA for mother and there was NEVER a question about either. Your mother must have this before being incapacitated. The way I read your problem, this doctor would need to see this before following your mothers requests. Which in all ise really stupid. My Mothers doctors were so glad to have Mom's children involved they nearly did a "Dance".
If this doctor is unwilling to change her attitude, then find a primary care doctor that deals well with seniors and then go from there. Your mother would be required to sign to have records transferred, but that is easy.
Neither you nor your mother have to put up with this doctors attitudes.
Good luck and God Bless
access and input. Otherwise, if doctor does not want to work with you- find another.
REGARDLESS of what the POA says, OP posted this:
"...we signed her office's consent form? Why does she feel unwelcoming of my presence? I know she's not there for ME but, she needs to understand I am there for my MOM."
DOC should have ZERO issues with OP.
I did not see where the poster said her mothers Dr only sees her 2X year. Her mother must be pretty healthy if this is the case. I think I would have a sit-down with the Dr with your mother there, and explain your role as you see it. Have your mother speak up after that and let the Dr know this is what she wants. (Let her use her own words - you might even learn something different than what you believe, but at least the air will be truly cleared.) If the doctor still has an "attitude", I would change doctors. Surely your whole family could back you up and show APS, if they are even involved, that all is as you say it is. Your mother - and you- are definitely blessed to have such a united and supportive family.
July 9, from DTOller reply to TaylorUK:
"Moms doctor sees her 15 minutes, twice a year."
July 11, from DTOller reply to ClaraKate:
"Doc has been with mom for 20 years but for everyone who goes on about keeping "the long term doctor" care needs to understand it's 15 minutes once or twice a year and if the doctor REALLY paid attention to mom, she'd know she had a loving family."
July 9, DTOller post
"Moms doctor sees her 15 minutes, twice a year and she no idea what my family is like."
There, found it for you, also proving I didn't make it up for my comment.
1) Non- springing durable power of attorney (this is for financial decisions, and non springing means that it is active immediately upon signing, and has does not have anything to do with the person's health condition or competency.)
2) Durable power of attorney for health care
3) HIPAA forms
4) Last will and testament
Since, she owned real property, especially in California, she should have had a Trust, but that's not what was set up. In our case, it didn't matter because I ended up selling her house well before she died, and I was already named on all of her bank accounts, so probate never became a requirement.
It was only numbers two and three that her medical providers were interested in.
Correct paperwork AND a new doctor if the attitude and behavior continue.
If your parent had a medical issue, you would want clear communication, not a dr who had a resistant attitude.
Hope a new dr can be found
Next thought - you do have a say and your mother is blessed to have you advocating for her! People with dementia develop many ways to cope and 'hide' their lack of decision-making ability. My mom would say "yes" to all answers because she wanted to be cooperative and not cause trouble. Plus, she was taught and always maintained that what the doctor said was non-negotiable. She thought her doctor was sweet and so she would smile and say Yes or avoid the issue completely by changing the subject! I would listen to her give 'her version of the answer and then I would ask her if I could give the doctor some info too. That way she was still involved and didn't feel I was talking over her and she was appreciative of that. There were times that I had to use the excuse that I had forgotten to get a printout of a prescription refill so she would wait while I went back and talked to the doctor 1:1. You can call the office before an appointment to offer info ahead of time so the doctor will walk in already updated. Then as he/she talks with your mom, her version can be compared to the info you provided. That's one way for the doctor to assess your mom's degree of deficit. If there is a way to send a message to the doctor through an APP for the system he/she works with, that is the best way to communicate directly. Once you have a doctor who respects your mom's decision to name you as her DPOA, you will feel much better about advocating for her and being heard. I had to carefully pass a note to an ER nurse once because she was asking my mom all of the questions and ignoring me and I needed her to know to include me too! The nurse had not even looked at the problem list to see that Alzheimer's Dementia was on there.
I'm a nurse and deal with Durable Power of Attorney documents all of the time. Having experienced being a DPOA personally, it has helped me realize the difficulties family members deal with when professionals (doctors, nurses, etc) do not understand their obligation to comply. It is not easy to fulfill the role you have been asked to take on. Talk to your mom about your concerns and that you will always be looking out for her best interests and that she will get the best medical care possible. Trust works both ways and she will know that when you do speak up, what your intentions are.
Lastly, write everything down or get the doctor to print out all instructions. It will help BOTH you and your mom to keep things straight as she will not remember the instructions as you will.
All my best to you and your mom!
Cindy
Our document is titled Durable POA for Medical and Financial Decisions and HIPAA Release Authorization.
Our attorney also had us sign Guardianship designations. I am my husband's guardian, and my nephew, then niece is my guardian.
POA notwithstanding, If you or your mother are suggesting something she deems MEDICALLY unwise, she is duty-bound not to comply. And she should explain to you, from a MEDICAL standpoint, why. She should consider both reasonable medical practice plus your and your mother's preferences. But she should NOT worry about being legally liable if she follows her best medical instincts.
Would you feel obliged to accept your attorney's recommendation for MEDICAL treatment of your mother?