My mother recently updated her will and power of attorney, and named my siblings as executors and POA. Why am I being left in the dark?

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My mother recently updated her will and power of attorney, and named my siblings as executors and POA. Why am I being left in the dark?

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I am the oldest of 3 and unlike my siblings, I have lived close to our parents my whole life. As I got older, we became friends and were involved in each others lives and shared good times and bad. Now they are physically and mentally declining and my sister has moved close to help care for them. Things changed once she returned and now she has been assigned both power of attorney and executor of their wills. My brother is second. None of this was discussed beforehand and I only found out when I saw the documents. They were upset that I wanted to read them and ask questions. I feel that I should not have been excluded from the discussions and being aware of the plans for their future. I don't understand the secrecy and defensiveness on this issue. Everything is to be divided up equally among us 3. I am quite sure she's shared all this information with my sister. I understand that each of us have different capabilities and qualities that assign us to different responsibilities. What I don't understand is why I'm left in the dark. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Need advice and thoughts on how to deal with this.

Elder Law Family Caregiver Relationships

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Your mother really wasn’t obligated to discuss her will with anyone. And as far as the POA, she wasn’t obligated to discuss that with anyone except those she wanted to designate as her POA. Wills and POA are both things that don’t require a family discussion & should be done by your mother’s own free will. I understand you feel left out but your mother didn’t do anything wrong, she doesn’t have to discuss these with anyone. There is only an issue here if your mother isn’t in her right mind. And if that’s the case, she shouldn’t be changing anything.

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The person to ask is your Mother. She may have her reasons and be perfectly willing to discuss them with you. She may have chosen the person she feels best understands her wishes for end of life care; she may have chosen a person she feels is more competent to handle keeping records and such. We all have our special talents. I don't understand the secrecy either, but I am not the one to ask about it. I would simply say "Mom, I don't understand the secrecy around choosing your POA and executor and just not discussing it with me as one of the siblings. It hurt me to be so out of the loop." Asking is usually the best solution to getting an answer. I did this stuff and it isn't easy and it isn't fun, and I wish I had had another sibling to do it in all truth, but I didn't. I learned a lot, but as I said, it wasn't fun stuff.

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My father @ 70 is in the process of doing this. He has all the basics done.

he asked us 3 sisters what part we wanted or if he had any material things we wanted. Separately , but then we the sisters talk be hind his back about him ( yes he knows, we tease him about plotting for him and against😂 him)

when he finally made up his mind of whom he wanted to do what he called the middle sister to set up a conference call, so he could go over all of it, to make sure it was ok with us. He did it logically and thoughtful to are personal strengths.

I thanked him for doing it and his answer was my father never did this for me and it was a painful mess to go through, I don’t want that to happen to the sisters( yeah he started calling us the sisters after moms stroke)

anyways if your mother is of sound mind this was a thoughtful thing she did, she just screwed up the delivery, forgive her and be thankful it’s done.

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My parents never discussed their decision to make my brother (middle child; I'm the eldest) their POA and executor. All three of us were on their HC proxies.

This is your parents' decision to make and they owe NO one an explanation.

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I agree they don't owe anyone an explanation but without one, you could end up damaging the sibling relationships. I doubt that is a legacy anyone really hopes for.

Without a discussion it really comes across as "I love and trust your sibling more than I do you." Sometimes the information about who is executor or trustee is given to people as they are grieving the loss- so it is processed in a very emotional manner.

My children know who is doing what and why. My husband's parents changed their choices so often it clearly was a matter "who is the favorite".
It blew the family up.

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Your guess is as good as anyone else as to why parents do what they do.

It’s done. You can’t change how she arranged it. It may be disturbing to you.

You may be questioning it but I am afraid that you must accept that these are her decisions and you have no other choice but to go along with it.

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Are you concerned that your sister will pay herself for helping to take care of your parents, which you have been apparently been doing since before you sister moved closer? And what about your brother. How does HE help?

Is there a chance that you are going to be the main caregiver with no compensation? Your mother wants to split everything three ways, but does she also feel that way about caregiving? She should. Or else the one(s) who are doing the caregiving should get compensated, when they are doing it.

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Count your blessings and let them have it all. You are finally free.

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My thoughts exactly. I was named executor because I am the eldest and my brother because he is the only boy and at the time lived locally. No POA was named and we now are working on that. After a year+ of being primary caregiver, I’d be happy to give up ANY of these responsibilities!!! This may be a blessing in disguise!

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Imediately stop helping mom out. If siblings ask you, tell them yo need to be paid. Or they can hire someone else

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If this is done immediately, it conveys the message "I'm angry and not happy" particularly if the mother has not been asked as to the reasons. It might be better to do this gradually, perhaps simply by not being as available. If anyone tries to pin the OP down as to why no more help is being given, the answer could be that the siblings now have most of the relevant details about their mother's situation and affairs, so they would be in a better position to help. This way the OP gets out of the work, etc. without offending anyone, particularly because it's not known whether the mother or siblings did anything that was deliberately inconsiderate or offensive. Getting to the other side of the creek without burning the bridge is the best way to get the advantages without creating disadvantages.

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I write this with the intent of explanation, not of criticism or to add to your concerns.   But the fact that you do feel you should be involved may be the very reason why your mother chose not to involve you.

There may be other reasons that we or you may never know, but they may relate to confidence in your ability to handle the tasks, or to keep them private, or to interact well with your siblings.

Or perhaps it's exactly the opposite: your parents may feel that you've extended yourself over the years, and want to give you an opportunity to enjoy them now and after they pass w/o having to deal with the end of life and legal issues.

Try instead to focus on the fact that she's taken care of end of life situations, and be happy that she's presumably found a solution to address them.   And cherish her for what and who she is; these times will never be repeated, you'll never have another chance, so focus on maximizing the positive aspects of your parents' remaining time and the fact that the siblings are involved, even if they haven't been for years.

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Such a good point. Parent either believes she cannot handle or that she should not HAVE to do more. Best thing in my book is to ask. We seem always to ask questions "around" our elders and our affected loved ones, instead of speaking to them directly. Doesn't mean they will answer, but I would think it more likely they would than not.

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If you are not designated POA or executor, it may feel as though you were denied some benefit or honor that the designees have gotten and you have not.

Not so in my situation. As one of two independent POAs with equal “power” the other took whatever he valued from the family homestead and moved 1,000 miles away.

As luck would have it, I love our care recipient dearly and do what I can to offer her a peaceful and safe level of care. The other POA writes a check once a month and otherwise ignores her.

No “honor” here.

Unless there are hidden assets, let it go. It is by no means worth feeling bad in any way about.

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I agree with Ann, there is a lot involved in being the POA and an Executor. Be glad you have not been given the tasks. And I would not be the Caregiver if I didn't have the POA for Medical and Financial. There are stories on this forum when one child is doing the Caregiving and the POA will not release enough money to care for the parent. Or the POA has taken all the parents money to better themselves and made it hard to get Medicaid when needed.

Please, do not take on the Caregiving fulltime without some guarantees in writing drawn up by a lawyer. Best thing if ever asked to be a Caregiver fulltime , is to say " Sorry, I can not take care of anyone without having a POA. Its not fair to ask me to do a job without having the ability to get to finances or deal with things involving them when needed or be able to talk to Doctors when I am doing the caring."

There are many reasons why your siblings did this. One, is to protect their inheritance. Seems that siblings get closer when a parent starts showing signs of decline. And parents just go with what they say. Just want to control that money. Well, it will go fast if Mom needs 24/7 in an AL or NH. Don't you become that 24/7 care because u will be used.

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Don't assume your parents are being underhanded nor your siblings. My mom divided up responsibilities among myself and my 2 sisters: I get medical POA, sister emotionally closest to mom got financial POA, and most emotionally distant sister got executor of will. I'll end up being caregiver since mom moved close to me unless a sister moves from Illinois to Florida. Your siblings may feel weird that you don't have these or are concerned about being left out of decisions and this may the the "thing" mom hopes will bring everybody together.

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Be thankful you got out of doing any of this. I was POA for mom and am now executor. For several years I took care of her finances. I set up online stuff to automatically come out of her account but the odd expenses would sometimes not get paid on time because she got the mail in and would forget to give them to me. After a while she realized that she could not do it any longer and gave me all the mail. I hired and fired caregivers, made all doctors appointments and took her, monitored her medical records and made sure she ate. This is what the POA will be doing. When she died, I got the task of executor. Her estate had to go to probate and that has been the huge pain. Due to Covid, it is harder to make appointments to do anything. Most of the stuff requires an in person appointment. There has been huge amounts of paperwork and lots of waiting for things to come in by mail. Notifying the heirs has even been challenging. My sister died a few years ago and two of her children are living in RV's traveling the country and do not have permanent addresses. Be glad you get to sit back and collect inheritance but offer to help sort through stuff when the time comes. I spent multiple days just going through her papers to find what I needed.

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This is not a bad thing. My 94 year old mom has decided to make my only sib and me co-executors and it is going to be a nightmare after she passes. I am prepared to walk away from my inheritance, as my sibling is an all out thief and pirate. Arghhhhh.....

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My experience exactly.

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My parents were very old fashioned in their approach to their will. 3 boys, 3 girls--and the executors and POA's have always been the boys. OB died about 8 years ago, so the job falls to the YB's. There are 2 girls older than these brothers, but mother and dad felt that girls weren't capable of doing the job.

I didn't and don't take it personally. Mother has told me for years that her will is an open book, which it is and a boring one to boot. My 'inheritance' is so small, it's not worth mentioning. I'll probably gift it to the YB who has housed her for the last 22 years for no pay whatsoever.

My DH and I could not come to a decision about who should be our executor--in fact, I knew it should be our oldest daughter b/c she is level headed, smart, organized and unemotional. Our son is an attorney who lives in another state and is not the least bit interested in our lives. He is a hot head and if he were 'in charge' as it were, it would fracture my family.

I wanted my daughter, my DH wanted my son to do this, and I am so dang stubborn, I just held out for literally YEARS. He finally caved and now that all is said and done, he sees that the choice of our OD being the executrix is smart and wise.

Yup, Son is upset, but I don't care.

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I want to thank all of you for all your advice and support. I appreciate all the different opinions and suggestions. I want to add to this discussion, that, no, I do not trust my sister nor do I think she will do the right thing. She is greedy and selfish and doesn't really care about our parents. I, on the other hand, am loving and caring and very selfless. I put others needs before my own. I am sensitive and sentimental but I am also very strong. So, I'm worried and terrified of the future and what is going to happen.

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I have come to the conclusion that there isn't a lot of value in fighting over who loves whom best. If your mom and dad are still competent, you should raise your concerns about their future directly with them. If they want, they can set up a trust with an attorney as "protector of the trust". Any discussions about the proper use of funds could be decided by the attorney.

But if your parents are competent and they have chosen your sister to have complete control- knowing that there are tensions between you- I am sorry to hear it. That's very hurtful.

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My parents have revised their wills 4 times since 2000. Three of the 4 have happened since 2016, 2017, 2019. I knew what was being said in 2016, my parents asked me to read and make sure the documents said/expressed their wishes-I was POA for HC as I was and had been taking parents to nearly all medical visits-they don't drive now-and been thru many surgeries for both over the years. 2017, the papers changed again-my son became seriously ill, Mom thought I was going to disappear from their life. I have actually done more for my parents in the last 3 years than the 5 years before that. I was removed from all papers. GD was now the health care POA along with other sibling that lives out of state. -she has never been involved with health issues on any level. I was shocked and hurt when I found this out-no discussion no nothing about them planning to make big changes. The estate is no longer going to be divided evenly. House going to lazy brother in addition to his part of whatever is left. Mom seems to have forgotten all this-as she keeps telling me I will be doing XYZ when needed-No not my job any more. Frankly I do not want to be their HC POA. I am for my sister with dementia in a nursing home. I did a lot back in the day before covid for her and as much as I can by phone now. I am still helping my parents but more limits on what they can expect from me. My attitude is not a reflection of the changes they made-my mother was driving me crazy with her abuse and expectation that i do anything she wanted all the time. I do not want to be their POA I do not want to be making painful decisions on their behalf at the end of life. Right now GD will have to do it instead.

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How did you come to see the documents?

How do you generally get on with your sister? Are the two of you on reasonably good terms, ever had any "issues" with one another?

All things being equal, nobody having any particular problem with any other family member, I agree that you might have expected to be included in this discussion. So the question is why weren't you? And the absolutely vital thing is NOT to jump to any conclusions.

The answer is probably along the lines of it was easier, we didn't want to upset you, we wanted to keep it simple, blah blah blah. And you are - aren't you? - satisfied that there is nothing underhand or improper about what has been done. All the same, this is not a good precedent to set when it comes to ongoing communication among the three of you as your parents' care needs increase, and for that reason alone the problem wants nipping in the bud.

So, to repeat - how well do you get on with this sister?

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Think about changing your perspective. Being POA and executor is alot of work and it sounds like you have already done your share of caregiving. Maybe it was to finally relieve you of so much responsibility for them.

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If it's secrecy and wanting to kerp you in the dark then it is deffiently MONEY!
You should ask your parents about it and if they would mind if you looked over everything. Your Sister is probably now or will start paying herself a certain amount to be Executrix and Power of Attorney.
I hope you get to read everything and maybe even ask if you can be put on both as Executrix and Power of Attorney sharing the responsibility with your sister.
Even if everything is suppose to be divided up between the 3 of you, you may end up with nothing if it's all spent.

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Unless a POA addresses payment you can not get paid for POA duties.

You can get paid as a caregiver though.

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I think if your gut feeling is telling you something is not right then it isn't. The helpful thing is to get the reason as to why and I think tackling it head on is good, but try not to look like the bad guy to your parents, as that could end up being used against you.
Unfortunately this stage of life is ripe for manipulation! It is why my Will is categorically an equal split between my children and if I CAN I am cutting myself off at the pass BEFORE care is needed or fought over

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I have never been in this situation. My parents appointed my brother POA and I knew about that before they passed. And there was never any problems. But I think you should have been told and I cannot understand why you weren't. Being the oldest, I am also surprised you are not POA. I would talk to my siblings about this. You deserve to know why. Good luck.

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I can relate. For some reason I have seen this sort of thing happen quite often over the years. My reaction is that most of us don't know much about legal stuff and it might even be that the average POA possessor may believe that he/she is "not supposed" to discuss anything about their role as POA, or is frightened that someone might ask a question about the POA document that they may not be able to answer...

Of comfort for me if I were one of the siblings in your situation is the stipulation that the estate is to be divide equally among the siblings.

May I ask if you have approached the POA/executor and said something like, "I would like it if you would explain what is in the POA and last will and testament?"

In any event, you know how the estate is being divided.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

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There is a reason. It can only be because she is changing the terms and conditions. Perhaps there is something you aren’t telling us about how your mother’s attitude toward you has changed? So far as I know, you aren’t entitled to see the will if your mother doesn’t want you to. Ask your mother what is going on in a non-panicked, non threatening way.

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The only way to know for sure is to ask, but do you really want to? I would try to trust their decision and not hold it against them or your siblings.

The reason they did not assign those tasks to you does not have to be a negative one and it may in fact have been a very loving decision.

My guess is that they feel very close to you. They know that for the last several years you have done the most for them while living the closest while your two siblings have done much less in that they have (until now - sister) lived further away.

Why give you even more to do when you have already done more? Maybe they have decided to try to ‘even up’ the responsibilities amongst the three of you by making your siblings the Executor and POA.

I hope you can find peace.

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That's what I'm thinking.

Maybe they kept you in the dark because they thought you might want to take it on when you've done and are doing so much already. Maybe your mom had to strong arm your siblings into doing their part and knew she couldn't do that with you present.

The only answe can come from your mom though.

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My parents' POAs used to be split between my brother & me. Several years after my dad died, mom relocated near my brother & me. At that time she re-did her POAs, giving him all the responsibility--without explanation. I felt offended & hurt. It's now been 12 years. Until recently I've been mostly left out of the loop regarding her issues a she has declined physically & mentally. Excluded, really. At the same time I've learned about the stuff my bro & his wife must deal with via forums like this. You can't know how much I appreciate not having that responsibility! All I've had to do is try to keep on civil terms with my difficult mother. This distance from the issues probably can't last forever. If you can trust your sibs, consider yourself lucky.

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Of course, you should not have been excluded! First, have a nonconfrontational conversation with your parents regarding their choices. If they are unable, meet with with your siblings. I would recommend you request a copy of all notarized documents for both parents, assuming they have been appropriately filed. If they are unwilling, consult an attorney. It is only reasonable that you and siblings equally share information. You have no way of knowing who will outlive your parents. Your situation does not sound above board. Get it all clarified now to avoid conflict when parents pass. In my situation, I was the oldest surviving of 7, provided housing for my mother and a disabled brother without any compensation or assist from 3 younger siblings. After she passed, found out her will was canceled and youngest brother had control of what little money she had. Mother had cashed in all stocks to help the same brother not lose his home to foreclosure. I paid for funeral arrangements that exceeded her insurance. Its not the money that breaks up families, not the obvious lifelong preference to a sibling, but secrecy and deception. People who are conducting affairs honestly and respectful of others involved have no reason to be defensive.

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I agree with your comments. A meeting of the minds (friendly) should happen with parents and siblings to ask why she was excluded. If you have copies of any document it will have attorney that prepared them so you might be able to contact them to get all papers.

Also you can amend the POA, etc if your parents want to through the attorney.

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Hi.. ya know, I feel as tho your feelings are hurt? & we don't know the family dynamics,
At all..
I was POA. I was forced. My sister was chosen. But she cried & said "no I can't do it!"
I said, ok i'll do it. I had to...
Oh my God, hardest thing ever. No one trusted me. I have 9 siblings.
I say, YOU'RE LUCKY!!!
but go ask your folks. We can't tell you why this happened. They can.
Bless your heart.

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Very little, if any mention of potential elder abuse. Do you think your mother may have been encouraged (coerced) to make the changes?

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OMG its like your living my life now with POA being 5 states away middle favorite middle son.older son who embezzled from other two brothers. After 20 years coming out of the woodwork to call and see if his mom has a will. She has bad dementia so she says no ( but she does) so he kept on trying to get his daughters to take her to a attorney. Because he would have 14 day quarantine, Lie saying taking clothes shopping. Only found out because attorney called here to talk to her. She said no will but her youngest son and i live with her and heard what was going on.. Disgusting. We live with her 8 year. Lived closest for 30 years of our marriage. I her DIL only caregiver have become engulfed in only her and the brothers that don't do s*** and haven't for like ever. It's so aggravating when you have doing everything for years and now her other 2 sons in nc who haven't come in 6 month covid. The middle son POA and named also on checks. And called the bank 4 month ago to get the statement..they say no but he transferred money out of checking to the point of can't pay bills this month..and so story goes on and on. I feel your frustration. Because I feel we were here and they know nothing what she likes to eat or do daily. It hurts ! Why should it be split equal there is a 15 year difference between my husband and middle POA son. Even when they owned there business he was taken advantage of all I can say is he is lucking to have me ( really his mom is) but I regress family's are messed up. Join the fun. And vent here often. I do. Thank you for not making me feel like I am not the only one that is stuck being a stepping stone. Stay in there but it would bother me if my siblings did anything behide my back and my mom didn't mind.

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WOW... nurserygirl, your brother-in-laws must be related to my half brother (and I use the word “brother” loosely). I have never had a relationship with this guy as he is 15 years older then me. When I was growing up he was gone. He has never really been any type of family member my whole life. Sure he would call my mom maybe twice a year (if that). My dad died about 9 years ago and my other brother (full) passed away 6 years ago I’m now her caregiver and my half brother is pissed because she gave me POA and exec to the estate. She has had to move in with me and wife due to the fact she has breast cancer and recently suffered a heart attack. HE has gotten word of this and now has called several times and ask if she has a will. I then intervene and tell him yes she has a will. If you would like to continue this conversation, here is her attorney’s name and number. My mother does not need the stress in her life right now. HE did call me and ask what she is going to do with her “stuff”...really. Not, how is mom doing or anything like that. I gave him a few chose words and hung up the phone.... I will NOT play his game. He know he is not in charge and it pisses him off.

My mother made out a will and did not want to leave him anything. She explained to her attorney why and the attorney said you should leave him something or this will wind up in court. She then told her that she can leave him something but to make me a joint owner on her account with survivorship. That way it will be up to me if I want to split anything with him. Since joint owner with survivorship does not go through probate there is nothing in her estate to divvy out if I see fit.

let him call me names like he has in the past. Just keep it up bro!!!!

thanks for letting me vent...😀😀

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My mother recently updated her will and power of attorney, and named my siblings as executors and POA. Why am I being left in the dark?

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