My mom (86) was taken to the hospital and has a major bowel blockage. How do we deal with outsiders telling us what we should have done?

For starters it is too late, but the way to avoid this all is to stop giving these folks all the medical information you are giving them. Because now you will get all the "My aunt IRMA was NINETY NINE years old and SHE did just fine with surgery" and so on.
So just say in future "I am sorry. Medical information is private and I am not comfortable discussing Mom's diagnosis, prognosis and choices with you. Please refrain from discussed medical problems with her. She is on hospice and she is actively dying. Please honor her wishes for peace so that I can allow you still to enjoy happy visits and memories with her her".
The end. Full stop. This is not their business, but people are busy-bodies, and that has been true forever.
I am so sorry for this loss. I am so thankful you are honoring your Mom's wishes and that you are at peace and she is being kept comfortable.

I work in an office with a number of passive aggressive people that can't or won't mind their business. In a meeting one time I let the group know that I had a standard physical scheduled and it could take some time because I was due for some routine tests, EKG, etc. and that I would be in ASAP afterward. One of my coworkers wrote in her "daily work chart" ______'s Physical. As we return to working together this behavior has been frowned upon because we have all have to stop this toxic behavior. My supervisor gave me the best advice....... I will share. Look at them, give them a week stupid smile and say in your best slightly irritated voice "What an odd thing for you to ask, say, do, etc" and if they press the matter just stop talking and wait for them to walk off.

I would take a leave of absence and be your mother during this time.

Tell them all to f—- off and leave you alone. At the end of the day it is your mum’s choice and that is all the matters. So your mum is happy with her choice, so tell everyone else to get a life And if they have nothing nice to say then tell them to say nothing at all. Small minded people are not worth worrying about most times.
god bless you your mum and the rest of the family. Love and enjoy every last day with your mum and yes she will be at peace and that is a great thing to have. Sandra.

You don’t owe these outsiders anything. Your mom weighed her options and made her choice. You have been beautifully honoring your mom’s wish for as comfortable and peaceful death as possible.

Recuperating from this surgery would have been horrible and she may have ended up with an colostomy bag. (Maybe ask these outsiders if that would be to their liking if this was happening to them). Too many people are told about surgeries and treatments that overly optimistic doctors recommend. At 86 the odds of other things going wrong are very high. It’s not unusual for people to live longer when they enter hospice. Who are these know- it-alls to presume they know better? They aren’t walking in her shoes.

Thank them for their comments and tell them this was mother's choice and as she is of sound mind it is hers to make and not yours and especially not theirs to tell her what to do. Then turn round and walk away. You have the stress of your mother dying - but she is doing it her way, this is what she wanted and that is a gift you have given her. It is not easy, but don't let your politeness make it harder by listening and giving time to these people, it is not their business and they have no right to interfere or try and make you feel guilty or at fault in any way - be firm and ignore these people - you are doing what Mum wanted and you should feel good that you have been able to support her at this time.

Well, you asked, and I'm a witch who has come across family members, like a sibling who don't like the decisions I've made for myself. F them. And I wouldn't mince words with these people. And to minimize everyone's stress, I'd be very direct, tell them they would want to be treated with the same respect for their own autonomy and if they couldn't respect/understand mom's choice(s) then they were not welcome to call, visit or communicate. As the flight attendants say "buh bye". PLEASE take comfort in knowing you ARE doing the right thing, and many people are aholes. They should be ashamed. ANd can I also add I believe I was misdiagnosed with a bowel obstruction last year. The medical types were only too happy to slice and dice me which I refused, which pissed most of them off. They bullied me, frightened me but I stood my ground. Instead without fully informed consent they tortured me with an NG tube and liquid to soft diet. and I'm here doing just fine...but I am not likely to ever EVER agree to an NG tube again.

Tell them, "Thanks for your opinion, but mom made the decision as to how her last days would be and she chose not to put herself through a risky, painful surgery.  We should all be that lucky at the age of 86 to be able to have a say about the time we have left.  Thank you for being respectful of moms choice."

End of conversation.

You should tell them that the surgery would have been too much for your mom at her age and that your mom in her clear mind made the decision and she has a right to that and she and the family have supported her in the decision and you would appreciate that they do the same thing.

Prayers

I understand this!
I said "I respected my dad's wishes. Thank you, but this is personal, private and not up for discussion."

You can explain to these people that you respected your mother’s wishes. But if you get tired of doing that, or don’t feel they are owed an explanation, you can just say, “Thanl you for sharing your unsolicited opinion!” Or just nod and say, “Mm-hm.”

You did absolutely the right thing by allowing your mother, presumably mentally competent, to exercise her legal self-Agency to determine her medical wishes.

My dad had a blockage (tumor) at age 87. The dr said he could opt for surgery or die from an obstructed bowel (we were told this was a painful way to go). Opting for surgery would probably give him another year of life. He was given the pros and cons and decided to go for the surgery option. It was his decision.

He was already frail, had the surgery, and never regained enough strength to walk again. He lived another 17 months, 3 of those in and out of the hospital and re-hab.

During that time, he was in at-home hospice care, so as his primary caregiver, I enjoyed their daily personal care visits (bathing, shaving, oral care, diapering...great hospice agency!).

He did get to go to church a few times during those final months, two funerals of friends, twice to the cemetery to visit my mom’s grave. Yet, it wasn’t an overall good time those 17 months. He was depressed from my mother’s death just a month before his surgery. He managed with a good spirit just the same, but life never regained the quality it once had for him.

Absolutely, you have peace of mind that you allowed your mom to make the decision for her care with no pressure. Bless you, your mom, and family! You sound like a wonderful family!

Stop telling outsiders your mom’s business. Just ask them to keep her in their prayers. Outsiders always want to give advice. Ninety percent of the time, it’s worthless, as they don’t know the full situation.

Even with advanced Alzheimer's, believe me they have their moments of clarity.
When mom forgot how to eat and drink as a last resort I asked mom if she wanted to go to the hospital. She said yes. She had a very lucid moment. I asked her I'm calling 911 and take you. Is that what you want. She nodded yes. I simply took her off hospice, her Medicare took over, got the feeding tube, and reinstated her hospice afterward, and yes you can do that. I did it. You do not even need a doctor's order to reinstate it, because hospice never rejected her. She was on hospice for 2 years.

Best decision ever. Mom did not have to die slowly of DEHYDRATION and in fact her last days were very comfortable because all her needs were met. Granted the feeding tube was a *LOT* of work to keep clean and patent but she never bothered with it and never had a problem with it. I kept it covered with a "tube top" I got on amazon which was comfortable for her. I was also able to tell when she was actively dying because normally there were no residuals. When she had residuals I knew when to stop feeding her (it was not being absorbed), and called in my brother and she died exactly one week later. Still I was able to administer some comfort medications through the tube although I never did have to give her any psychotropics or narcotics. She died so peacefully -- she just opened her eyes, took two deep breaths and died.

My brother and I were able to organize prepaid funeral. I could not have done that without my brother present.

Mom died almost 2 years ago and I'm still suffering her loss. Less afraid of life though. I mean I don't have to worry about her anymore. I was her sole caregiver so that put a lot of stress on me, but I would cut off my own arm to have her back. Still, that's a selfish thought. Mom is better off where she is. She was eaten up with Alzheimer's. Still, regardless, I kept mom comfortable and surrounded by love and her own home, which was her universe.

Mom was sufficiently hydrated, and her skin was in perfect condition when she died. Ironically Alzheimer's disease did not kill her. She was insulin-dependent diabetes and years and years of insulin and chronic kidney disease (over 10 years of that) and liver disease did it, and she died age 90...that's a long life with all of those chronic diseases. I was her life support for years and years. Of all things she had I was able to keep her sugars in perfect check to the end.

People should be more sensitive about decisions, but tell them it is what she wanted -- but also remember death by bowel obstruction is a painful one. You spared her that. Just as I spared my mom of a slow agonizing death by dehydration. It can take TWO or more weeks to die without fluids.

Death is all of our fates. Mom was very lucky she was well cared for to the end. Not stuck is some freaking nursing home. I centered my total life on mom for years and years and do not regret it. I love mom and I would gladly do anything for her.

Now I have to deal with my own life. Back at work...going to university. But not a day goes by I don't miss mom because I love her so much.

That's the price of love--grief.

tell then thank you for your advice and concern but we got this... People have good intentions. I am a cancer survivor and I can't begin to tell you the outpouring of annoying love from what to eat to do... Meds, foods, can cause constipation

When my Uncle was being treated for Cancer 20+ years ago he knew treatment was just prolonging things. They had told him 6-12 with treatment and a few weeks without. He took treatment for 3mos, they made sure they had everything in order and then when his quality of life was suffering he decided enough was enough. Both he and my Aunt had worked in a Nursing Home and knew what was coming. He wanted to die at home and did not want to be "brought back" if his heart failed. My Aunt said she knew from his breathing the end was near and sat with him until the end. She then waited to call Hospice until morning so that they would pronounce him at home and just move him to the Funeral Home. It was all their decision and they did what they wanted. Years later my Aunt sat with my mother in her last hour, she was a blessing to us during that time.

For someone who had major bowel surgery at age 55, I can honestly say that your mother, even if she survived that kind of surgery would have had a very painful, awfully hard time with recovery and maintenance. I’m talking up 6-7 times a night taking care of things not to mention the struggles during daylight hours! Our bodies have an expiration date and personally at that age best to let it take its course, as long as she can be kept comfortable. God bless you for caring for her during her last days.

nobody can tell you what you shoulda woulda coulda done in such a very personal situation. losing your mom is hard enough....what you do when people question this decision is know that you honored your mothers wish, and THAT is what matters! love and peace to you.

That’s one thing nobody can tell you. If you’re an expert you would have known the signs but that’s the only way.
Frankly it seems like some people aren’t happy unless they are telling others how to run their business. If the shoe was on the other foot they wouldn’t like it.
I’m jumping ahead of myself because I didn’t read the whole comment but it burns me up when people tell others what to do when they aren’t living in the house nor are they the ones taking care of the patients.

As with anything, and I mean anything people have trouble minding there own business.. And that goes for giving unsolicited opinions. Probably everyone is guilty of that from time to time to time. Whether it is what you should plant in your garden to someones choice about how they want to leave this world. Take a few minutes to meditate why their comments rub you the wrong way- is it anger, insecurity, or lack of support and understanding. I wonder if there has been people who have said more supportive things, but you are magnifying the insensitive opinions that differ from the decision that your mother made.
My opinion (unsolicited and truly none of my business)- it was your mothers choice and you respected her autonomy. God bless you and your family.

My 87 years old family member had the same problem . He was rushed to the hospital where he had a really bad blockage that would have killed him with out surgery. They removed part of his bowels he came through it just fine .
he had been in a lot of pain and almost passed out. Thank God I was
there and called my nephew to come fir him.
Maybe your family can convince her your not ready to let her go just because she is afraid of surgery. Maybe she will change her mind. One way she has no chance to live to see her family , spend Holidays celebrate birthdays enjoy grand children . The other way Surgery she at least
has a chance at life .
sirry your going through this it’s a hard situation to be in. But in the long run if she’s of sound mind then it’s all her choice. God Bless you snd your family stay strong in the Lord . 🙏🙏🙏💕

Tell them to mind their own business. Do the best you can.

Well, if no one answered for their opinion you know how dumb and rude they really are! Just tell them that it is your Mom's wish and you are following her wishes and the subject is not open for discussion or opinions. Period

So sorry you are dealing with this and sorry People are so insensitive. I just lost my mother April 3. She was diagnosed with cancer after a bowel blockage, she was 85 years old. Ultimately the blockage is what took her and we also did hospice. We were given a few days and had three wonderful months with my mother. Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes.

Perhaps it's best not to share details with people. Those you know well who can accept what is said and done, fine, the rest, MYOB. Mom made her decision and it's HER decision. Once you share the details, you are likely going to get various feedback. For those who knew my mother and asked about her, I could share various aspects of her condition and care, but got no recriminations. Granted, it was different. My mother's issue was dementia, but no one ever stuck their nose in and suggested other ways to care for her. Well, one exception. YB was INSISTENT that mom would prefer AL, not MC. She'd not want to be in with a "bunch of old farts" is how he looked at it. MC had no more "old farts" than AL, but he didn't see it that way. When I said that wasn't a good idea as AL isn't locked down and residents aren't "monitored", so she could walk out the door at any time, he said she doesn't do that now. Of course not, she's home and isn't at wandering stage, but this won't be home. She will most likely see the door and walk out. I can't recall how many times staff told me that mom said she was going to walk to her mother's place or mine! Her mother had been gone over 40 years and she had no clue where I lived!

Once the "cat is out of the bag", the best response is just this was mom's decision and she made it. End of story. There's no real need to be rude to them, unless they press on. Then just cut them off and say end of discussion.

Your mom is in her right mind and refused a dangerous surgery.
It's her right to decide what she wants and no one else's.
All the people who offer their totally unsolicited two cents about it should just be told:

'It was my mother's decision and what she wanted'.

And let that be the end of it. No one is owed an explanation and certainly none of you have to tolerate anyone saying what you should have done or could have done.

If telling these intrusive, 'do-gooders' that it was your mother's choice is not enough and they continue to carry on, well... God gave us all two middle fingers for a reason. Use them.

When you say “blockage” or cancer? A blockage could be caused by intestinal blockage. My LO had intestinal blockage after colon cancer surgery. He was out of the hospital after 3 days; no restrictions. Unless your mother has other bad issues this is not necessarily a reason to give up and wait to die unless of course you want to

Be tough and be firm. Simply state every single option was explored and discussed but it is the right of the mother to choose what happens and this is what is being respected. Thank them for their interest but tell them it is a closed subject and tell them it will no longer be discussed. It will be hard but this is the ONLY way to handle this. Some people cannot understand someone dying (until it happens to them) and will always interfere.

She may have died from the surgery. You and your Mom did what Mom wanted to do and you most likely had extra time with her because of that decision. Dont let other people bother you. They can be so cruel. Tune them out. They dont deserve your time. Just be with Mom the whole time now holding her hand and talking to her even if you think she cant hear you. She can! Keep saying I love you and giving her kisses on her cheeks and forehead. May God Bless your Mom and you.

I was guilty of this before.
We had a family member who needed a heart transplant. My DH cousin. He wouldn’t go on the list. I was so sad about it. He explained that he didn’t want to spend his last days connected to the heart hospital as when you are on the donor list there is a lot of red tape and you are pretty much tied up with the hospital from then until death. So if it was a success or not, his life would never be free of that stress. He and his brother had heart issues from a very young age. He had lived into his 60s and felt he had been on borrowed time for many years. Both parents died young of heart disease. So he chose to not have the transplant. His brother, 11 months older, chose to have the transplant. They both died before the older brother received his.

In my case, we were friends. He helped me with DH aunt. I really miss him. But I realized after we discussed it that I was out of line to question his decision. He was in a relationship. Had children, grandchildren. Plenty of people closer and more important to him to discuss this with. It was none of my business even though I knew of people who had done well with a transplant.
He didn’t appear to be upset with me but his purpose in letting me know about his decision wasn’t so I could talk him into it. I think it was a way of him dealing with it, of saying good bye and letting me know that his death was not too far off. He was the second nephew of aunts to die that was my #2 on her care team. So there was that as well. He was taking care of business, not asking for advice. I highly respected him and his decision. After I had more time to reflect, I felt embarrassed that I thought I had anything to share that should influence his decision.

I wish you and your mom peace.