My husband and I just got married less than a year ago. We are talking about buying our first house, starting a family, and all the exciting steps of a newly married couple. His mother is 74, divorced, and is suffering from depression and anxiety that has gotten much worse during COVID-19. She had a horrible fall last year that cause a traumatic leg injury, but thankfully she is still pretty mobile, but is starting to forget some things. He's asked that we look for homes large enough where she could have a MIL suite or her own live-in area. I'm worried our marriage will suffer if I say yes. I'm worried our marriage will suffer if I say no. Any advice???
It was a JOINT plan with her husband where they BOTH agreed the circumstances & outcome. BOTH are providing the care & supervision. It was AGREED it was short term (after a hospital stay). It has a purpose - to give her the best chance at returning home alone before AL or NH placement. There is a set TIME-FRAME. If going home alone is unsuitable they have a PLAN, respite care then long term care.
I very much admire this lady for keeping her heart open & providing this care, but also her eyes wide open. She is doing this from her own judgement & values, not from obligation or guilt.
THIS is the only way I would proceed - with a proper plan, as above, with clear goals, time-frames, expectations & an out stragegy.
Otherwise it is a NO.
So to the original poster -DON'T DO IT!!!!!
By the way, the only thing I have ever learned from MIL - how to be a great mother in-law. I would never inflict this on my kids and had my husband EVER done anything close to what his sperm donor did, let's just say you'd never find the body.
In the meantime, FIND A PLACE FOR MOM NEAR YOU. SHE NEEDS TO BE MINUTES, DRIVING TIME - NOT FARTHER AWAY... Take tours of facility, see what they offer, activities, etc. Assisted living, nursing homes, 6 packs etc. What is the shortest lease, and all the other pertininent information needed. small steps, start here with phone calls, tours of the grounds, etc. "staying in place measures...."
NO NO NO!
Even with her being in an assisted living it will be a stressor but not a constant one.
Ya’ll have your lives ahead to finish out....she’s had hers. It’s sad.
I’m there now. Mine is in assisted living WITH two alternating day caregivers.
Mary
These are treatable conditions. She is not disabled.
No, not disabled. But dependant, depressed, anxious, entitled & miserable. Unable or unwilling to change her thinking.
Her son & DIL chose to be a part of her life, as cheery visitors & advocates, but not let her move in. Not let her life become their whole existance. They could see her misery was internal - went wherever she went.
The other factors were that old people died sooner, particularly with no heart drugs, that illnesses were less curable, and that this all happened in cultures where the expectations had been set in concrete over very long periods of time. Our generation’s expectations, financial independence, and the medical and care options, have all changed. Now it probably takes a very special combination of personalities for it all to work.
If the marriage is new, it's better for the couple to have their own space, to build a strong relationship. After some years, they can decide about moving someone in.
It's also depends on the kind of person. Nice or mean. Don't bring a mean person, just a nice one.
Tell ur husband you see he is between a rock and a hard place but her living with you has been tried and didn't work. His first responsibility is to you and his kids, which she has made life miserable for when she lives with you. Explain that you will not care for her. That means aides if he works. You will not bathe or toilet her. You will not cater to her. He will need to set boundries and remember its your house not hers.
I find that's its hard for men to understand that two adult women cannot live together especially when the home belongs to one of the women.