So my mother-in-law moved in in Dec. She is demanding, bossy. Expects all meals to be served to her and snacks. She walks, talks and can do things on her own but refuses to. She says that she deserves to be waited on because she worked so many years and is old. She is 86. Living with me has caused me a lot of stress. My husband is gone all week and only comes home on the weekends. I try to talk to him about my feelings and some of the stuff his mom has done or says. For instance, I said to him, If I leave for 30 mins to get coffee down the road and she says, Where were you? Why did it take so long? He says, she probably thinks you’re cheating on me! What!
When I try to talk to him anything about his mom good or bad he tells me Stop I don’t want to hear it! He spends no time with her and doesn’t call her during the week as he promised. He also promised to take her out to breakfast and shopping on Sunday so I can have some time to myself .
I am at my wits' ends! I have had enough! He will not get anyone to help and he does nothing to help. I feel as if I am in jail.
Like telling her, when she says she deserves to be waited on, yeah MIL, maybe you do but, it ain't gonna be me doing it. Get it yourself, get to the table and eat or go hungry.
You are the mistress of this household, you need to make it clear that she lives by your rules or moves to a facility, period, end of discussion.
Let her say whatever she wants, doesn't change the fact that you are NOT her personal slave.
For starters, I'd take the credit card & move into the above mentioned hotel yourself for a couple of weeks and leave DH saddled with his mother! He needs to see how it feels to do what YOU are doing on his OWN! When you get back, THEN he may be quite willing to sit down and have a REAL conversation about this entire 'mother matter' and what to do about it. If not, you'll have to consider your options at that time. I would not continue living under those circumstances myself. You'll have to decide if you do, and what your self-respect is worth. You should not be forced into indentured servitude to someone ELSE'S mother, against your wishes, under any circumstances. Especially considering she's entitled, not needy.
Good luck!
Stand up for yourself because no one else will do it as you know. Be strong and please let us know how things are going. WE care!
I'm sick of men using their spouses, GF, daughter's and sister's to get out of their responsibilities. We've got to make it clear to them we refuse to be used any longer. Once I got back from my vacation, he'd sent her to assisted living. She loved it because she met new people, made friends, had her meals cooked, laundry done etc. It was wonderful. That's when I knew he still loved me and wanted our relationship to work. He just had to prove it. Good luck to you!
I sympathize with the need; I simply couldn't live with another person. From what I have read on Forum alone it is clear to me that once you take someone else into your own home you CAN BE virtually a prisoner on your own home, as you say. Moreover, it is IMPOSSIBLE to dislodge that person even if all in the household agree it should be done.
From what you say of your husband's reactions to YOUR reactions it sounds to me as though you may have marital problems also, to the extent that he presupposes that Mom thinks you are cheating, and to the extent you are not "allowed" to open your mouth. It sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Yes, I agree, you are in a kind of jail. And your warden just stuck a very unpleasant prisoner into your cell as your roommate.
I would be out searching for a job and a room yesterday. That's about all I can say. Perhaps when hubby and Mom are alone all will go well for them.
It seems to me you have, quite honestly, no other choice.
Suggest family counseling. If that is denied (and it almost certainly WILL be, you know, you are on your own.
You may be much happier alone working two shifts a day and falling into your own bed exhausted, with a good murder mystery than you are right now. I sure would be.
I wish you the best.
If he promised to help on weekends, make him do it by making plans for yourself. On Sunday am, advise that you have plans for yourself, and leave. Your husband needs to see how demanding care can be, and step up to the plate or HIRE someone to come in and help you. In fact, you might also start interviewing home care personnel (after searching, finding, and validating agencies.)
It's easy to feel encumbered and obligated, but standing up for yourself is absolutely mandatory.
Meals are made at specific times and served in the Kitchen or Dining room (wherever you chose).
If she makes it to the table for the meal, great if not she can heat up leftovers that are put away after the meal.
Snacks, leave out a basket of fruit, if she wants something other than that she can get it herself.
As long as she is safe by herself go about your business on a daily basis. Why stay home to cater to her?
By the way if she can do her own laundry she should be,
If she has a bathroom of her own that she is using she should be the one to clean it.
If she complains to her son let him take over.
And I agree that you should plan a weekend away. (a week would be better if you can do it)
You don't nee to be angry, or to complain to your husband. Just stop.
He treats you as a servant and has delegated (or outsourced) your services to his mama. Is that a role you chose? i keep thinking about Downton Abbey, and you went from the kitchen to Lady's maid.
Put your foot down, woman, the situation is untenable.
He doesn't get to plug his ears when you're talking about his mother who moved in with you. Doesn't work that way. I'd lay down your law with him, get angry until things start changing. I'm angry on your behalf!