My mother has been diagnosed with dementia. She is angry and abusive to my father. I know this is a symptom of the disease, as she was never like this before. My father is still active but feels he can’t leave her alone for long, and when he does, she verbally abused him when he gets home. She will also call my sister and I hysterical, calling my dad names and saying she feels abandoned and is going crazy in her house “all alone” whenever my dad leaves. We want to hire a caregiver to come take her out and do whatever she wants to do a few times a week, especially when my dad wants to get out of the house, but she refuses to entertain the idea and my dad is just leaving it up to her to decide if she wants a caregiver. I don’t think it should be entirely up to her. We are all affected by her disease and need help as well. Should we be leaving it up to mom to decide if she wants a caregiver or should we insist. I’m not sure which is the correct way to respond to her refusal. Any advice?
do what is best for your family
Dad will need to adjust his thinking. Try this..
He needs to take the wheel on this one as Mom cannot drive safely.
"I don’t think it should be entirely up to her".
Correct. The help is for BOTH of them. To enable HIM to leave the house with peace of mind. To increase HER safety.
If Mom cannot reason that, has become selfish as they do, explain the help is for HIM.
I keep telling my LO this. Everytime the other cancels the support, attempts to cancel, fusses, tantrums etc.
It seems in my case, a long standing habit prevents the sensible one overruling - he really dislikes seeing her upset.
So. To be blunt... I say he has to toughen up.
The options are;
Option 1
Arrange the Aide.
Mom gets upset.
Dad feels a bit bad.. but Mom is left at home much SAFER.
Option 2.
No Aide.
A tantrum is avoided.
Dad feels slightly better, but then Mom is left home alone, distraught & panicked + left UNsafe. Dad feels bad about that.
Mom gets upset EITHER WAY.
Dad feels bad either way too (well until he understands..) But option 2 is SAFER.
Put those options to your Dad.
PS +1 speak to the Dr about meds for mood
Crass as it sounds, a person with dementia is regressing to a place where they can't make the decisions, much like a young child. A child gets to choose between the red shirt or the blue one, but they don't get a say in whether someone comes to stay with them or where they live.
It's time for the adults to take charge. It's overwhelming for your dad, so perhaps you and your sister can take some of the pressure off by deciding this for both of them.
Agree. The adults who possess good reasoning have to reason for those lacking it.
Good for your dad for getting out. But it sounds like leaving mom alone is NOT a good idea. So, start with a person that is there to clean the house. This could be their real job or just a term to not have her think that they're there to take care of her. She could do some cooking. Laundry, etc, etc. Once mom gets used to her, she can shift into more caregiving and less other things so dad can get a break and do some things that he likes to do.
I would find a companion, introduce her to mom and let them develop a friendship. Then she can visit with mom, regularly and if possible, take her out. Mom doesn't need to know she is a paid companion.
Your dad matters too and you do not want him to become a statistic because he can't get away and take care of himself. 40% of caregivers die before the person they are taking care of.
I would tell my dad that this needs to happen and it needs to be at least once, if not twice weekly.
That's my opinion on the matter.
Edit: he should also have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to get her on some meds to calm her down. It's not good for her to be upset all the time.
Perhaps you can try to reword the term "aide" into something more desirable - and maybe she'll become more receptive.
Wishing you all the best !