Even before the pandemic, an older male relative did not like to go to the doctor whether sick or for an annual physical. The last time they went, I had to schedule the appointment and he made me feel guilty for pushing him to go. He has taken me to the doctor on occasion (still drives) and part of the excuse for him not going is "you go too much". I have a few health issues but also am very religious about preventive care like colonoscopies and mammograms.
Now it has been more than three years since he had a physical. He says "don't nag me" but I and other relatives go for annual physicals regularly and try to convince him to go too. He has never had a colonoscopy and is well past 50. It's so frustrating, he's a very intelligent man!
I am not noticing any issues except regular alcohol use (1 or 2 drinks per day, most days) and he gets very little sleep (4 - 5 hours per night). Should I notch it up to individuality or is there a way to convince someone to start seeing a doctor regularly and get preventive care?
I will pray that your older relative can change and be proactive about his health.
Anyone refusing to undergo screenings and testings are selfish...they don't think of the possibilities that someone in their family may have to be the caregiver.
Be blunt with him...if you turn out to have colon cancer, I am putting you in a home where they will change your diapers.
Kindness and compassion in this kind of situation is not being helpful but being enabling.
Welcome back. I have not seen your post for awhile now. It is so nice to see you on the site again.
* Realize you can only do so much.
* Then let go. This may take practice as you likely are used to trying, trying, trying. Or/and feeling you care so much, you don't want to give up. However, this attitude will back-fire on you, depleting your energy and draining you. And, 99.9% likely won't change him. He's in his own little world.
* Everyone, unless diagnosed to have dementia and legally unable legally to make their own decision, can and will. This DOESN'T mean it is a good idea or even safe for a person to do so, it means they can.
* He is likely depressed; an alcoholic or using alcohol to lessen the pain he feels.
* I believe the only behavior you can do is support him where he is and not argue. Do you ask him how he feels?
Explore this?
Don't agree or disagree. Acknowledge what he says. "I understand you feel xxx"
"It must be difficult for you to feel xxx"
Ask open ended questions.
* Be aware to set boundaries on your time. Know it is okay for you to do what you feel is helpful for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour - or whatever and then stop, leave and feel good about yourself for caring and showing concern / love for this person. We can all go in circles if we let that happen. This often is a intense and quick(ly needed) learning curve - to set boundaries, realize you can, to feel good about what you do or change what you do if you don't feel good about it.
I've been doing this work for 6-7 years (direct service) and off-and-on for 15-20 years. Each person and situation is a learning experience.
* While we / I get better at it, we/I are always learning how to manage / handle these difficult / challenging situations with someone aging and/or w dementia.
* I highly recommend you visit Teepa Snow's website. It is invaluable information for everything to do with dementia/elder care and care providers.
Gena / Touch Matters
You won't change his mind. He already told you that you go too often, so you know what he thinks about annual exams and other regular testing. Let it go.
Mom: No. If it is cancer I won't do chemo so what good would knowing it do me?
Doc: Explains improvements in cancer care, and again offers the referral to a specialist.
Mom: I have lived a long life. I am going to die of something. If it is cancer, so be it. I don't need to stress every minute of the life I have left thinking of the cancer cells in me.
Doc: Many of my patients feel this way. (Remember that she is a geriatrician.) It is totally your decision. The offer of a referral is always available, if you change your mind.
Doc looks at me. (I haven't said anything so far.)
Doc: Are you OK with this?
Me: It is completely up to Mother. I see her point and I will support her decision. If she changes her mind, I will support that.
I loved that doctor, but she is in high demand and isn't taking new patients now.