Has anyone here ended up with permanent disability/illness as a result of being forced to care for elderly parents?

It's not always that easy megan2014. I saw a counselor for a year and he was getting exasperated with me for not following his advice to put Mom in a home when it was obviously taking such a toll on me. I am 66 but my mom has guilted me and manipulated me for so many years it's a very hard habit to break. She would cry and say she didn't want to go to a home, then remind me how much she had done for us. She never learned to drive so I have done plenty for her and taken care of her for years after my dad passed away while she was still able to live in her own home. Then you have friends and acquaintances telling you that it's your job as a daughter to do this and you should be happy for the extra time you are getting to spend with her. They are not the ones getting up all hours, constantly worrying about her falling, playing silly mind games, waiting on her hand and foot so they have no idea what they are talking about. It sounds so simple to say it's your choice and I would have said the same thing maybe - before I was put in this position. Parental guilt can be a HUGE millstone around your neck.

Everyone..Would YOU have been any different? Do you think that your mother/father wanted to accept that she/he was at his/her end? Of course not. If she was conservative with what she had left that would be great. But, if she wanted to travel or do HER THING for what time she had left, would YOU have done anything different with your own life? We keep telling our parents what to do. But, we forget to look at the future and say to ourselves, if this is what I have and this is how many years I may only have,,, what would I do? She may have not wanted to face the end decisions. Unfortunately, for our Seniors, our government has not made it easy. In Germany, Seniors are encouraged to travel and live. The government even pays for trips. They recognize the end days. People have been through so much and have worked so hard and had to make so many tough decisions in their lives. What they want for their end days is no more than what we would want. If the kids cannot afford to let them have it, then the family needs to put their funds together to help them. REMEMBER, you will be old and who will YOU depend on? How would you want to live your last years? Would you want your children to understand what you want and to comply with it?

Here in Australia, you can't put your parents in a nursing home without first getting an ACAT Assessment. You can't get your parents assessed unless they consent no matter how bad their dementia is. And if the family doctor won't get involved because of the demented parents' wishes, then there is nothing you can do.

When anyone says ro me " your morher took care of you when you were young" I tell them a morher takes care of us, but we grow up, get maeeied, have jobs and raise our own children. We have mile stones for our parents to be proud of. Taking care of elderly sick parents we get burned out, physically and emotionally sick, tired, sad and mad. They are not the mile stones our parents had with us.

We took my mom to Colorado with us for her 80th birthday and also for her 81st. She is now 93 and it wouldn't matter who paid for a trip, there is no possible way she could go. Mom has had a good, long very active life and it was heartbreaking for us to see her health decline to this level - so much so that we might have endangered her by refusing to believe for so long she needed more care than we could give her. She had fallen at my sister's and came very close to falling here. At the nursing home, she received therapy we had no idea how to give. Her knees are bone on bone and she has a very hard time getting up from her lift chair. The staff know how to lift her correctly. My sisters and I wrenched our backs more than once trying to lift her. I don't know where I will be when God willing, I get really old. But I will never allow my children to turn their lives and homes inside out to accommodate me because I made the choice to bring them into this world. I would want them to check out homes and find me the best one and come to visit but I would not want to infringe on their lives and lifestyle to that degree. I want them to be able to enjoy grandkids and relaxing and going on trips after having raised their children, not be tied down taking care of me 24/7. Our family does not have funds to put together for the kind of long term care she needs. We are in the position right now of having to pay back some money Mom gave us because we never dreamed we would have to put her in a home. One of my sister's is not married but trying to save for her retirement. The other sister is married but they are tight on money and worried about their own retirement. My husband wants to retire soon and is also worried about us having enough money to live on, so it isn't possible to demand family come up with that kind of money. The nursing home where Mom is costs over $5000 a month and we have to wait until January for Medicaid to kick in because they penalized her benefits.

Yes, my mum actually gets much better care than I can give. First, she became aggressive with the other residents in the home - they had to isolate her - imagine if I were still dealing, alone with mum - now that I have become mobility impaired and need to be in the semi-assisted living centre I've had to move too. Also, mum has been falling a lot, but the nursing home staff are properly trained in manual handling and safe lifting techniques. Just imagine me, with my wonky paralyzed left leg trying to lift mum off the floor - also shopping and cooking for two!

"That is the very reason why i turned my back on God - he tortured me"; "magically and supernaturally arranged the circumstances that i was forced to endure"; "I, out of desperation, rebelled against God by praying to the devil for help"

Bast, I understand that you are a tortured soul and overwhelmed by pain and adverse circumstances. I, too, felt despair, hopelessness and rage at life circumstances during a dark period of my life. However, what helped me was a change of perspective on just who causes all that suffering, and my perception of who God is. I have come to the conclusion that the devil, or evil, is the root of all suffering. God isn't doing these wicked things. I must admit, your statement of praying to the devil was quite jarring to me. Much of the suffering we experience today is caused by humans, not God. This can include self destructive lifestyles within our own lives or harmful/evil behaviours from others. Our life on earth is temporary, and Satan is alive and well. I do not believe God is this supernatural power tripper who enjoys seeing people suffer. However, He gave us free will, and that's why there is so much destruction and pain in this world. When I changed my perspective, I became so close to God and, yes, I still suffer, I still become enraged, but through the sacraments He is present and He is with me all the time. If I didn't have my faith I truly would be up the creek without a paddle.

Megan2014, you are right. Everyone has free will and can make the choice to just walk away. But your response is simplistic and somewhat naive. I think everyone thinks an elderly person will only be around so long and then they will be gone and it will all be over. But older people are living longer and longer, so the dilemma of what to do becomes more complex Also, to just walk away from a blood relative, no matter how awful they were/are, is easier said than done emotionally and perhaps even legally.Finally I question your statement: there are assisted living facilities and nursing homes that are very capable of caring for your loved on[e]. Let's face it, an elderly person turned over to the state is not going to a top-notch facility unless they have the resources to pay for it on their own. I don't disagree with your sentiment, but the reality isn't quite as black and white as you portray it. And because the tone of your post is so unsympathetic, it makes it harder to consider the validity of your position.

In 'America' those 'assisted living facilities and nursing homes' are not always available for several reasons. These may cost more than can be paid, they may not be available in the vicinity of the person needing care or there may not be any places for more patients as the demand is so great. If one considers very carefully what is actually available then the chance of getting the parent into them is narrow.

Just as an example of the cost, I recently investigated a long-term care home not far from me. I already know that some of these charge a basic rent of approximately $3200 per month which includes 30 minutes of care a day. Any further necessary care would be charged in 30 minutes increments. My mother is permanently in a wheelchair which she no longer has the strength to move on her own so she has to be helped for dressing, toileting and getting into and out of bed. Her vision is poor and getting worse so she can't indulge in any thing to pass her time with. She has arthritis in her hands as well so she needs help putting toothpaste on her brush. Those extra charges would add up quickly not to mention the extra fees for a person who is incontinent and needs adult diapers.

If someone has a parent who has demeaned for their whole life, who lays on the guilt with a trowel and who is mean and bitchy on top of that, life becomes very difficult. It would be inhumane to walk away from an injured animal and leave it to die alone. If the animal was in pain it might be snarling too but most of us would make some effort to see that care was given to that animal. If we would not do that for an animal, how would a person with any ethics at all do that to a parent?

I wonder where anyone could get the idea that assisted living facilities or nursing homes are available to anyone who wishes to put their parent in one, megan2014. I am not trying to be nasty but it just is not the case.

Most assisted living places are private pay. My mom has been in one for 5 years...the cost goes up each quarter depending on her level of care. She really should be in a NH b.c her care is heavy however, the facility is willing to keep her there ( 11,000 per month). The NH are 16,000 a month on LI. When she runs out of $$$ my guess is she will go to a NH under medicaid. Mom wanted to live near her hometown and I live 300 miles away. She felt comfortable in that area b/c her friends were there. Unfortunately, they rarely came as they were old themselves and now they have passed. My brother lives in NY also so he is POA. Would I have done things differently? Maybe so, but mom made the decision where she wanted to live when she was able to make decisions. I see her every 2 months for a weekend. The trip cost us 500.00 for the weekend but it is worth every cent. Most NH take medicaid so if your loved one does not have $$$, medicaid will pay.

I'm glad I found this thread. Before I started caring for my mother, who has mobility issues and mild vascular dementia, my health was perfect. I ran half marathons, worked out at the gym, practiced yoga, ideal weight. Now I am on two medications for high blood pressure and it still isn't always controlled - it spikes when I am stressed and sleep deprived, which is a lot of the time. 

My migraines are much worse and more frequent. I'm afraid that i might wind up having a stroke like my mother and grandmother. I've been depressed before, so I can't attribute that to caregiving, but had been free from it for over twenty years, and now it is getting worse. The only reason I keep going is that it would hurt my daughter and she would have to take care of mom, right when she has started college and is enjoying her young adult life. I've also hurt my back and shoulder lifting mom when she fell - the back healed, but the shoulder never did and never will. I'm gaining weight because I am too physically and emotionally exhausted to work out.  The last time she fell I told her that I was not going to even try to help her up - and called the paramedics right away.

I think I have PTSD from caregiving. I dread the sound of the phone, dread mom waking me up at night - it took a paid caregiver telling her that she could not do that to me or I would collapse and she would have to go to a nursing home - for her to pee in her diaper at night. Twice I almost wrecked the car driving home from work because I was so sleep deprived. When I'm very stressed I can't sleep.  Actually not PTSD but something we don't have a name for because there is no post about it - the stress is relentless. 

I pray every day for the grace and strength I need. She is going to go to respite for two weeks this summer - I need a mental health break. On another thread I read a post by a caregiver who put her mom in respite for one week every three months - and I think I need to do that if it means reverse mortgaging the house.

No way will my daughter be allowed to be a caregiver. If I have a stroke, I want her to put me somewhere. If I get cancer, I have decided that I will not have it treated, except for pain relief, and move to Oregon. If I feel I'm heading for dementia, i will go to Dignitas, which is a group in Switzerland that provides assisted suicide for non-terminal people. I can understand why people want to hold on to life as long as possible, but i don't.  

Thanks to those who posted about how caring for an elder is nothing like caring for a child. Another way it's different is that child care issues are recognized, but elder care isn't. We have to keep our caregiving secret or else risk losing our jobs - at my work it's acceptable to miss a day once in a while for child care, but for elder care, not. At least I have a job even if it's just part time - it gets me hours out of the house, and I hire a sitter so I don't have to worry about mom. I don't think anyone who has not been a caregiver can understand how difficult it is.  Maybe some day I'll learn to find it enjoyable and rewarding but now it's just exhausting and stressful.  I don't know how those of you who do this 24/7 can take it.  Thanks everyone for being here.  This site is a sanity saver. 

Hello. This is sort of a cross post, thread, etc. I do not have children, never wanted any. Mom died Christmas Eve. She was not too difficult, but was an annoyance in many ways. The point? Something which other childfree always hear: 'Who will take care of you when you are old?' So, where does parental entitlement mindedness begin? Is that why or one of the reasons why they had kids? So someone would take care of them? Just think next time someone is tempted to say that to someone who does not wants kids. I do think this is related. As for me, my health is not good, I did not deal with my own problems for a while because it always seemed I was going to doctors with mom. I never took a day off unless it was for her doc appointments. It was not until about a year ago that I finally started to take days off for myself. However, as long as she was at home, there was almost nowhere I could go for any length of time.

twocents, my heartfelt sympathy for the recent passing of your Mom.

The thing that use to get me rattled, any time I was grumbling about caregiving my 90+ parents, was when a person would say that my parents took care of me when I was young.....  I finally learned to fire back and say, "yes, they did take care of me, BUT they weren't 70 years old when I was a child, big difference".

One more thing I remembered when I saw this reposted. I needed two crowns, but only had a partial hanging in my mouth and I prayed it didn't fall out while I had to speak the eulogy I had written for my late mother. That was difficult!

I confess I haven't read this entire thread, but I am entranced that I've seen no one bring up what is obvious to me. That is, in the USA at least, no one is "forced" to be a caregiver and give up all personal rights to do so. There are filial responsibility laws, yes; but they don't require the self-torture that so many seem to be experiencing. What is up with that?

Dear "Agingmyself" - wow... you obviously either don't belong here?... or just stopped in here out of sheer curiosity?... OR... ?? ...I feel so led to ask this question: Are you a caregiver yourself??
I have only been part of this group for a little over a month (wish I'd discovered it sooner!!!)... And I've never read a post that I couldn't relate to...(until now, that is)... And this the very first time I find myself wondering about the person posting! Never before have I said to myself, "Who is this person???".
Perhaps you are an only child of a very small family? Maybe you don't have anyone else judging your actions? Or maybe you are the only person who is "in charge" of the loved one requiring care? Do you have no other people to answer to? to give account to, to justify your actions to?.. Or, ...maybe you JUST DON'T CARE? Or is it that you have endless finances? so finding care for your loved one doesn't require much thought, action on your part, or heartbreak at making the ONLY CHOICE left?
Truly puzzling. Please clue us in on your situation. Because it is baffling to me why anyone would come to a "support group" unless they need support. Yet you seem to have all the answers & have things so figured out. You seem to be incapable of putting yourself in the shoes of those of us pouring our hearts out here. That is what is so baffling.
I'm sure others besides me would love to know your solution! It appears to leave you "off the hook" for you can question why in the world we would put up with all that we do. You seem to find it incredulous that so many of us are suffering through this process.
I will be anxiously waiting for your reply.

Dear Friends,

I'm so sorry for all the pain and sorrow we all go through as caregivers. Its not an easy role. We all try to do our best. There are no easy solutions.

My dad wanted to stay at home and I wanted to support him. It was hard and I did let the anger and resentment get the better of me. Looking back I wished I had accessed more supports for him and myself. But I was locked in a terrible pattern.

I do feel I am suffering from mild depression. And since his passing, I feel its getting worse. I know I need to do something now to help myself.

Take care everyone. Thank you for sharing your stories and trying to help other caregivers.

cdnreader, You made a very insightful and compassionate comment.
Spring is here, and it's time for renewal for you, too. Perhaps you can get outside and find time now for reflection, not on the past, but on what you need to do next.

cdnreader, You made a very insightful and compassionate comment.
Spring is here, and it's time for renewal for you, too. Perhaps you can get outside and find time now for reflection, not on the past, but on what you need to do next.

cr0105, Thank you for your comments about my question. I have come to this forum with questions and received helpful information; and as I see other's questions about something where I have experience, I have tried to provide helpful information. You made me consider that some of my posts might be interpreted as cold-hearted, and I will try to show more empathy in the future. Evidently, you have observed that it's not my strong point! I am very much a realist, raised in a home where we put reason ahead of emotion. Not that there was no love or forgiveness, but we didn't lavish either of these beyond the limits of reason.

My concern about this topic centers around the use of the term "force" and its implications. If a care-giver feels "forced" to perform, I think there's a serious situation that needs to be changed. Maybe the care-giver needs to consider that there is more than, as you said, the "ONLY CHOICE" left. Not to be snarky, but "choice" implies at least two options. Now, you may have made the choice to be a care-giver rather than walk away; but IMO, there needs to be a recognized, hopefully well-thought-out and continuing reason for that choice or the person in need is going to suffer for it as well as the care-giver.
As a recent example, cdnreader, who did not claim to have been "forced" into the care-giving role, posted yesterday "I was locked in a terrible pattern," and said that he/she could see in hindsight--and I'm paraphrasing--things that could have been done better.

A feeling of being forced or having no way out of a situation seems to me to be an indication that a person's reasoning abilities are compromised, and that leads to poor decision making, doesn't it? Including not recognizing that the person you are caring for isn't going to have your help anymore if you kill yourself.

Since you asked about my personal situation, I'll tell you. The skills required to do the work of a hands-on care-giver are exhausting physically and mentally and are outside my abilities. However, my experience includes making sure to the best of my abilities that my parents were protected from harm and received the care they preferred as long as they lived, taking responsibility for the complete care of my quadripalegic brother-in-law after my sister passed away (as so many care-givers do) before he did, and currently providing support for my husband as he helps his family care for his elderly dad on Hospice with Parkinson's disease. Incidentally, I did not do any of this by dumping my freely accepted responsibilities on anyone else or complaining about their volunteered help. I did it because I cared about my parents, my brother-in-law, my husband, and I wanted to do the best I could for them. Was I perfect? Heck, no. Was I even sometimes resentful? Yes, but I think it would have helped me not to feel that way if I had more often looked back on why I made the choices I made. I regret that I didn't understand that my sister was killing herself taking care of her husband; and I hope I can stop someone else from going down that road.

As far as being judged or having someone "to answer to," you gave me a dose of that! I can only suggest that it has been helpful to me to remember that not all decisions are/were clear and easy to make. We do the best we can. That's the best we can do. Sometimes, we'll be wrong. Anyone who wants to berate me for not doing what they want done better than I'm doing it is welcome to do it themselves, and I will applaud them for being gracious enough to step up and do a better job than I can. That's it. No guilt inflicted on me from anyone else as long as I am confident that I'm doing what's right to the best of my abilities; and I'd advise you to feel the same.
Of course, we want things to be better; but we can't change the past to make today different. We can only do the best we can today to prepare for a better future. Whining is just not going to make tomorrow better, so why bother?

Admittedly, I was blessed to have been brought up learning to take responsibility for myself and my own actions and decisions. Our parents taught us this by setting a good example, in part by preparing financially for their old age. They didn't bail any of us kids out of jail or buy us cars (not to mention cell phones) or even send us to college; they paid off their mortgage and saved their money in case they would need it. As a result, the four of us kids learned to be self-sufficient and were happy to do what we were each able to do to help our parents without fear of losing an important inheritance. The two of us who were able to do more to help were not resentful of the others, and the others were appreciative of what we did. I was as transparent with my siblings about my parents' financial affairs, which I watched over, as my parents wanted me to be; and my family knew I was trustworthy because that's how we were brought up. I know not everyone has the benefit of this kind of up-bringing, and I would love to be able to impart the knowledge it gave me if it can help someone else.

So, that's my story, since you asked. It's not unlimited finances, it's not that I don't care. If there's a magic "solution," it's the grace of Jesus Christ, who created us each to be different and to help each other in His name, and who died so we could know we are forgiven even for our bad choices.

Dear Agingmyself,
I appreciated your long reply which explained a lot. Things that jumped out at me - your parents set aside money (many of ours did not). You "kids" grew up to be self-sufficient AND were taught teamwork... both non-existent in my upbringing. I was taught, as a woman, to depend on a husband.
As for teamwork, I have 2 older brothers (plus a 3rd who passed last October, my favorite brother, who stood by me)... and a younger sister who I am close to, but cannot count on. What were *we* "taught"? ... That MEN have the SAY!!... and women are better in the kitchen, staying out of it. I actually blame my mother as much as my father. So, while I recognize that you were brought up to speak your mind, even to THINK independently, it's something I'm still working on. But, I'm very proud to say, my adult daughter does!! And, I tell her often that it's a trait I truly admire! So I "get you", so to speak. And I'll admit that I jumped to conclusions reading your post. It came off to me as pretty cold-hearted. But, all of us have our own interpretation.
Earlier I read someone's observation on here: it seems the worse the original "family unit" was, the worse we handle the caring of our parents as they age. It's a kind of emotional battlefield to take someone who wasn't provided a secure, loving environment as a child, perhaps suffered emotional (or even physical/sexual) abuse ...and toss them into the role of care-provider to the person who didn't give that! When you're dealing with that kind of storm, any and *ALL* good advice gets dumped into the middle of the tornado! And, I can imagine that the outcome is never QUITE what the advisor expected. In my case, I can also add to the mix - adult siblings who fight against each other.
Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate the last paragraph and believe you're absolutely correct... without GRACE we are hopeless. Here's to all of us doing the best we can with what we've been handed. Just keep in mind some of us aren't given the proper tools. Part of what has been thrown onto our plate is the process of discovering those tools as we go along. It requires digging into the family backyard.. and sorting through it to find anything worth salvaging. I, for one, am still in that process. My hands are dirty, my body aches, and my heart is saddened by the memories I've had to throw aside.

Thanks, cr. I get you, too. Especially your comments about doing the best we can with what we are handed and seeking the proper tools. I don't suppose any of us were handed perfection, but we had sure better learn from our own and others' experiences and help each other as we can.
I have some sad memories and regrets, too, different from yours; but they're part of what made us who we are now. Sometimes I have not liked and do not like this woman I am; but ain't no whinin' about it gonna fix my situation. Only my doing something different is gonna get me different results, and I will advise anybody the same.
Hang in there, and be sure to make some time to reflect on why you chose the path you're on and why you remain on it; I think perhaps that may help you along the way.
God bless you and give you peace of mind!

NO adult can be legally compelled to care for anyone. that is, unfortunately, a fallacy. An adult child can, legally, not do anything for a parent, however, guilt-ridden and morally complex as that is. The first priority of any caregiver, no matter the circumstance, is to first take care of themselves. Foregoing life-saving surgery is imprudent, to say the least. The dysfunction of blame is, again unfortunately, evident here. Read the post again to note what boundaries were not set, what imprudent decisions were made and the fallacy that anyone has to forego their health for anyone else. I'm an attorney and write from that perspective and as I care for a insistent and overwhelming 93-year old mother. Protecting your own health is the best way to help any aging parent.

Caregivers such as myself have to sacrifice our own care because doctors are too much money--even with Obamacare with $7,000 deductibles and health insurance eats up the little bit of money that I do have eventually I will be forced to live without health insurance. I have not seen a doctor for over 10 years and I have no idea what's going on with me.

Anobserver2017: Spot on accurate! If you fall faint yourself, you're good to no one!

"'Stressful events can alter the levels of hormones in the body and affect the immune system. But there is no evidence that these changes could lead to cancer. It has been suggested that stress can cause cancer, particularly breast cancer. But the evidence for this has been poor.May 12, 2016'"
National Cancer Institute

I have also been diagnosed with cancer after being a sole care giver to parents that so much deserved their last years to be spent in comfort and as they wished and deserved it so much to finally have their children provide them the same things they provided us when raising us. And to be able to just do the things they enjoyed doing on their "little piece of heaven" the small home they had built for them on acreage they purchased but had to complete the house themselves when contractor went bankrupt. This was 1946 after WWII. Unfortunately my care for them though formidable as it was dementia for my mom and my dad though sharp as a tack up until a massive stroke 1 yr after his lady's passing, my mom, his one and only love from a teenager in Chicago area as was the case with my mom had little to do with all I undertook without letting it show as much as I could. My health declined somewhat because of all the lifting and etc as my mom's dementia worsened. I didn't want them to feel any guilt; they deserved a break. I didn't allow them to think they'd become anything less than they were or act like I considered them anything less than what they'd achieved in their lifetimes. I'd only just focus on paying attention so I'd know if there was something stressing them out in the slightest where I could relieve them of anything they didn't want to have to resolve; it was obvious enough to tell if you paid attention. You could see the relief they felt lifted away from what they always considered their continued responsibility. I was an adult now and knew how to handle things in a much changed world of finding honest contractors to handle things outside of my scope and my dad was tired of doing certain repairs he always felt were his responsibility to do, etc diddling with phone calls that no longer sent him or my mom to an actual person but were required to hit 1 for this 2 for that, etc. I could handle this stuff for them and even figuring out how to get them both over 100 miles away to get to their granddaughter's wedding when dad needed to be near a toilet due to his medications and mom had to be watched to make sure she didn't wander off or get run over at every gas station enroute to provide bathroom facilities. Both were afraid of air travel. To see their happiness over my scheduling a train trip(bathroom plus mom wouldn't be left alone and get scared, I'd be sitting right there with her). Reserved a rental car to be delivered to train station. Hotel reserved. Went from a sad event they couldn't attend into a fun adventure where they'd see their granddaughter get married. I was a bit to orchestrate setting up everything during my lunch break at work. But you could almost feel the sense of calmness and joy it brought them. along with the other stuff I relieved them of having to figure out. Yes it took a bit of a toll but was worth it. The ungodly stress came after our parents died from my 3 siblings who did not care to give me any assistance with our parents one of which has never worked a day in her life since she was 22 and currently still does not. Wasn't willing to have either of her children who are 8 and 10 years younger than myself one of which was unemployed. My other sister the practical same thing though she worked but so did I! And one or both of her children were unemployed and could've helped out in someway even after I arranged an appointment with my mom's primary physician that all would be able to attend to update them on my mom's rapid decline - now a loss of control of all her bodily functions and her saying not once but 2x I could not handle everything on my own anymore was anyone able to provide me with any sort of a break or help? fidgeting and silence was the only reply. No one was able to find time. Neither could I but I made time. Now my usefulness is unnecessary after saving them the costs of a rest home or in house care which they feel I provided for free for them when all were aware that was not what my parents expected of me. My siblings portray me as a leach when I am so far from that. They used me, have committed illegalities, deception, deceit, in regard to our parents estate. For which there would not be any estate if not for my hard work and they're doing absolutely nothing. After being diagnosed with cancer my brother offered me a tenants in common with right of SURVIVORSHIP. One of my sisters would get a tenants in common without the clause "with right of survivorship." So she would have instant ownership of one of our parents properties to do with what she pleases. My other sister gets bought out so gets cash instantly. I would be getting nothing unless I outlived my brother but considering he made this offer only AFTER my cancer diagnosis it seems I get nothing from our parents estate even in death. His offers have only lessened since then for me.

And I can only hope to live forever out of spite after being the only one to give our parents a well earned break and their biggest wish - to be home as long as possible. My mom passed peacefully while I held her hand. I couldn't be with my dad when he passed as I had worn myself out so much I suffered a seizure and was in ICU when my sisters and brother had his life support pulled. None of them stuck around to be with him when he passed. And as hard as I tried to recover I wasn't released until the day after he died. He held on for 7 days after life support was pulled-no fluids, no feeding tube, after sustaining a massive stroke, surviving a month. Amazing how much strength he was able to muster-most healthy persons cannot go 7 days without fluid.

Now I am under threat of losing my home to my siblings as of 6/2/17 who have their own homes but just are h*ll bent on seeing me either homeless or at their mercy. This is why I have cancer and cannot even afford to get to any of my follow up appointments at UCSF for the past year.

Something has to be done about the legal system that assumes the caregivers have dark motives when all I've been seeing on-line and in my own case the opposite to be true. Siblings taking advantage of the child who full fills their parents desires.

Since both my parents had passed, the last was over 6 months ago, I am still stressed out. At least now when the telephone rings, I don't get into sheer panic. I still have the major panic attacks when I drive, and that is so hard for my sig other to understand, it doesn't go away once my parents are gone, it is so ingrained into one's brain that it is hard to shake.

I am now seeing a talk therapist and was so lucky to find this person. She is close to my age [a senior herself] who had dealt with aging parents. So when she says "I know what you mean", she really does :)

When I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself. I have put on 30 lbs over the past few years, and it wasn't from eating. I just didn't have the energy or time to exercise. I use to be a gym rat, and to look at me now you wouldn't know it. I can't even put on eye liner, my hand shakes too much, so I look drained :P And my brain isn't as sharp as it once was.  And there are times when I have trouble getting myself up off the floor when doing housework... oh fun.

Meds are helping calm me down at I was always shaking like a leaf, and I could kick myself for not trying them years earlier, but I was so sure I could handle it on my own. NOT.

Oh, if only I could get into a time machine [move over Sheldon] I would like to go back 7 years and do things differently. Such as saying "no" more often, and stop enabling my parents so that they could keep up their lifestyle while I had to change mine !!

I've was extremely healthy and fit but after nearly 14 miserable years of caring for a mother that wants and expects to be "cared for", I have nothing less. There's is nothing to be gain from taking care of an elderly, dependent parent EXCEPT the knowledge that I WILL NEVER do this to my kids. It's selfish, self centered and narcissistic. They had their lives, why do they need to take ours now? I don't want to get sick but if I did, it would be a way out.

Thank you KaylaFV and everyone else. That is what is happening to me. I came home from Colorado in Jan 2015 when my Mother asked me to, as she was losing some short term memory and living in Independent Living and was afraid. My son and I have a home which was not far from her facility. I am in my mid 70's now. I was sickly when I went to Colorado in 2010 but through fresh air, good water from the source, skiing, bicycling, hiking, organic foods and a healthy diet. I was toned, lean, was hired to teach skiing the year I left. Practically all the things above has happened to me. I stay with my Mother 24 x 7 at the facility where my Mother recently moved after a very bad experience at Mothers former Facility which caused her a sharp decline when they took over her care, forced her into Personal care, forced me out (I was staying with her in Independent Living) and cut my hours. My cousin and brother instigated and would not stop Mother's move to Personal Care. Mother and myself were against the move. Brother changed his mind after it was evident that Mother needed full time Nurses Aids at $25.00 per hour and My son and I moved Mother to Assisted Living in a great facility, she was confused and invalid when we moved her. Three months later she is bright, coherent, walks 50 yards with her walker and is going to be 100 this year. I think she can gain more independence but is still quit short of being left alone. I am a wreck. I could die before she does. I was put on oxygen at night while Mother was at her old facility. They did not want me there with an oxygen tank. They deny they ever stated that. I have the oxygen tank at home and only get on it a few hours a week. I don't want to make that an issue at Mother's new facility. I have to let my Mother, son and daughter-in-law know I need to be on oxygen at night. I am feeling sickly. I have gained weight, everything hurts including my chest on and off. I was forced to retire in 2010 because of a heart condition. . . I have a stent and a pacemaker. I am really stressed. My brother got the money, he lives out of town and doesn't see Mother. I got the work. I pay Mother's bills, do all the shopping, sleep on the floor on an air mattress near her bed, when she gets up at night I accompany her to the bathroom in case she needs help or she slips. I am a full time caregiver for her, going to all meals with her, watching that she eats well and is regular, keep the vaporizer on when she coughs, doing laundry, etc. The facility and I take turns showering her. I love the time we spend together and wanted a tight loving family all my life like the immediate family we now have, but I am in denial of the effect that it has on my health. My son and daughter-in-law give me a total of 16 hours a week so that I can go to church and bible study on Sunday and to Choir practice one evening a week. I get a stipend which is a gift from my Mother and some expenses out of which I pay son and his wife for helping out. I have to start keeping records as her funds could run out in 4 to 5 years. Son and daughter-in-law like gifts but I am the one who will have to pay back any gifts in a five year look back if Mother ever reaches that point. My brother advises but won't guarantee me funds he has gathered from Mother outside the 5 year look back. Mother could live to 105 or 106 easily. My great grandfather lived to 106 back when the average age at death was late 50's. Mother seems to have his genes. She takes less pills than I do. She is very fragile but is gaining strength. She is very sweet, loving and pleasant. It hurts that she does not respect me, a daughter as much as she respects my brother. In her upbringing men ruled and women served and should be quiet and pleasant at all times. I don't get much sympathy about my concerns for the future or the position my brother put me in when we were supposed to be equals as far as her trust agreement. After reading through this chain of question and answers, I realized that I have to get home more nights to get on oxygen and need to go to the Dr. to clear that deep breathing and several nights on Oxygen is sufficient or we can find out if I have blockage that could be corrected. I spend too much time on my cell phone playing alpha-betty. It keeps me from stressing and unfortunatly from keeping accurate records and takes time out of other book work. I hope everyone starts figuring out ways to avoid stress. Don't give up. Share the positive of what works as well as what to look out for. Thanks.