Certainly happened to me - because I neglected my own medical check-ups - my neurofibromatosis tumours in my spine have become inoperable and I am permanently on a walking frame - and I am only fifty.
The saddest story I have heard was on talkback radio one night a few years ago - a 77 year old daughter was FORCED to be sole carer to her 97 year old mother with severe dementia. Because the selfish mother wanted help from no one but the daughter, the daughter was legally compelled to care for her mother - in spite of the fact she was disabled - and elderly - herself. The time came when the 77 year old daughter needed life-saving surgery - but she was not allowed to have the surgery as it would have meant her mother would have died because of being unable to look after herself - and unwilling to accept outside help.
I personally know a lady somewhere between 60 and 70 about ten or so years ago who was forced to be sole carer to a very elderly mother who very selfishly refused outside help - so this poor daughter was forced, for ten years, to be sole carer to her severely demented mother who was also extremely violent. Finally, the mother died and the daughter finally had her freedom to have her own life and start seeking employment. She got voluntary work. But alas, she got breast cancer and died. The breast cancer was caused by all those ten years of stress.
BTW, I suffered intense stress and abuse from 2002 to late 2014 --- first abuse from my late father who got severe dementia --- and then my mother who got severe dementia after dad died --- my doctors blame that for my now severe neurofibromatosis and eczema.
I think many caregivers feel like a little David up against the Goliath giant and wonder if their slingshot will be enough to deal with things.
Others, I am afraid let someone act like Samson's wife and cut out the source of their strength and such deadly strikes do come from people who are very close to us in life that we trust and they more than let us down by leading to our own downfall.
good response. I esp. agree with the comment about modern medicine keeping peo ple going when even they are tired and have make peace with the inevitable. We need to be supportive and as you said, do what we can to help them while taking care of ourselves.
Oh sig other claims he is here to help me. Like the other day he took my parents to the hearing aid place. As soon as they all get to the office, he texts me that my Dad messed up his pants. I am thinking I am at work, what am I suppose to do about that??? Then more texts with more complaints about this and that. I don't need that stress at work. He has zero patience with my parents.
I believe it's his silly little game where if he complains enough, then I will tell him not to help me out any more. He does that with the household chores by messing it up so badly so I won't ask him to help out again. I know that game that some learn at an early age.... so clever... NOT.
It is not surprising that you are facing emotional and medical issues from meeting the demanding needs of your mother while watching your father become ill while struggling with long term care giving. It's like being pulled in two different directions, isn't it? I felt that just before dad died. As mom's Alzheimer's and physical constitution/mobility got worse, I had to juggle between staying home with her and going to visit dad in the nursing home (a good one and a half hour trip one way). On the few occasions that mom came in to visit dad towards the end, she would be very disruptive and, having no filter whatsoever, would say things like "He'd be better off dead" or "I hope I die before I end up in a nursing home" while dad was lying right there in the bed. The night before he died, she kept calling his room, which made him jump because the volume was so loud, and was belligerent and angry with me, asking why I didn't tell her I was going to see him and when am I coming home. I know she's ill but I was starting to grieve for dad, and I was angry with her for interrupting those last few hours I had to spend with him.
How did the funeral arrangements go? Are you getting counselling or other types of support?
Take care of yourself.
Were your parents involuntarily separated because of having to go into a rehab centre or other home? That's what happened to my parents. It is so heart wrenching, isn't it? Married but living apart. In addition to the Alzheimer's, that involuntary separation for 10 years or more has been making it difficult for mom to grasp the reality of dad's death. She has to keep asking for confirmation that he is. We did see dad's body when he died, but she has not taken down the extra single bed in her room yet, and she often goes into the room and thinks he's out for the day and lying down. Despite the often turbulent and unhappy marriage, she keeps saying how she misses him terribly now. She also says she keeps seeing him.
My Mom passed in early May. I've found that I can postpone my little sessions of grief during the day when I have to do things. But I give myself little moments to just reflect and think of my Mom. I also wanted to withdraw but unfortunately life won't always let you do that.
My stress and difficulty with my mother has resulted in many minor physical problems and major emotional ones but as in my father's case, caring for a demanding disabled person is extremely draining on a person's ability to sustain their immune system in good condition. It was lung cancer that took him in the end but a healthy body might have been able to fight it. It was only a few short weeks from the cancer's discovery to his death. I feel like withdrawing so that I can grieve for him but I have to continue to visit my mother, comfort her in her grief, as well as sorting out the finances and trying to sell their home so that money will be available to provide for her continued care. I wonder how long all that will take and how well I will be at the end of it all!
Re, the relationship of cancer to Alzheimer's, good question. I'm wondering, also, if you have 30 acres, is that farm land or are there any farms nearby? Is there pesticide use? They contain both neurotoxins and carcinogens. Maybe all that fresh air isn't all that fresh.
The good ones are I am more empathetic to elderly people's needs. I view them in a whole different light. When I'm out and see an elderly person being wheeled somewhere with what is probably their daughter and son in tow I find myself smiling at the care giver. They don't know me but I think they can see it in my face that I understand.
The bad is that I now know how selfish my siblings are. I used to always feel less than them cause they have their big careers, vacations etc. Now I just look at them and think "where did this selfish attitude come from" You claim you loved Mom. Well actions speak louder than words.
They all thanked me for keeping up the vigil by my Mom's bed when she was dying in hospital. Instead of thanking me they should of pulled up a chair and joined me.
Heavens if Dad is out front doing yard work.
I can see that injuries from lifting could cause problems, I can understand mental health problems for some, but I'm not sure you can really blame caregiving for causing cancer, heart disease or other such conditions. A lot of us are in our middle years or older where those kinds of things just seem to strike us, caregiver or not. For sure stress can exacerbate problems, and if you neglect your own wellness checkups you may miss the early signs of disease, but I think it is really a chicken and egg kind of thing.
Heck, pride hasn't stopped me from calling someone to come to my own house to pull up weeds, place mulch, and trim the landscaping.... it wasn't cheap, but boy it looks so good, make ME feel better. At least no one will find me toppled over into a hedge out of exhaustion doing it myself.
My next step is to look into hiring a cleaning crew for my own house as I just can't do it all anymore. I believe my life has been shorten because of all the worries regarding my parents, so if that is the case, I don't want to spend that time doing cleaning :P
Thus, any time Dad calls asking for me to come over for yard work, I just give him the telephone number of "my landscape guy". And, no Dad, paying someone doesn't mean I now have more free time, it means I am past the age of being able to do it myself.
My facility does not do assisted living but we do care that goes all the way up to subacute. We have a long term care unit where residents who need the kind of care your father needed are placed. Some need even more care and treatment , but are otherwise stable. If they develop a UTI , or such, they are diagnosed and treated as their MD has perscribed. We have residents on long term care from minimal to extensive exist.
I would suggest you question a facility on the level of care they can give your loved one if they needed
more help in dressing, eating or more medical interventions and care. In this way you can choose the best fit for your loved ones's needs.
Plus, think about it, if one of us were walking down the street and saw a "Help Wanted Caregiver" sign in someone's home window, how many of us would jump at the chance to do that type of work. My gosh, can't wait to work 12 to 24 hours straight with no breaks. Plus I have had zero training, what better !!
I had to keep repeating to myself "I am too old to do that", and that was one of THE best advice I had received on this forum [among many]. And by george, I am sticking with that. I remember one time taking my parents to their doctor, Dad with his cane, Mom with her cane, and me with my cane. What is wrong with this picture? Yet society thinks I should do more.
Never in my life have I felt so exhausted. And I don't do hands-on care, only logistics. How in the world do people do 168 hours per week hands-on?