What do we do to NOT become a burden for our children?

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What do we do to NOT become a burden for our children?

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How not to be a burden to your kids. I echo the planning that has already been recommended: Planning and paying for funeral. You can even write your own obituary and choose the pix you want displayed. You can choose and pay for the specific floral arrangements you want. Make sure you have a plot. You can even have your headstone done and have the death date carved after you die. There's a plot like that in my cemetery. The only thing missing from the plot is the body and date of death.

Make sure everyone in your family knows your wishes for resuscitation, artificial respiration, hydration, and nutrition. Those preferences are recorded in a "living will." Work with an attorney to create one and discuss it with your family.

Give someone POA and make someone health care proxy.

Prepare for the possibility that you may need AL or NH care. Tour ALs and NHs now and decide which ones would be acceptable to you.

I will add that I have been caring for my mom with Alzheimer's for almost 12 years and I have never felt that she was a burden to me. Instead, I was so grateful to be able to give her the kind of tender care and diligence she gave me when the situation was reverse, and I was vulnerable. So, you never know. Someone may feel like they are a burden, while the person they think they are burdening does not feel burdened at all....

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Part of the issue is that most people are "in denial" about their own aging and eventual mortality. Nobody wants to admit that if they live long enough, they will lose their ability to remain independent. As others have said, planning ahead is the best strategy. This includes having all of the necessary documents in place and gradually downsizing one's lifestyle. At age 90, nobody needs a 4-bedroom colonial house that they can no longer maintain.

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I don't have any children to burden. I am 50 and starting to simplify possessions, getting rid of a lot of junk I have been carting around most of my life. I want to be light on my feet for whatever happens in the future. Watching my parents decline about a decade earlier than any of us would have expected, makes me realize our able-bodied time span may be shorter than we think.

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Each of us has a unique circumstance. No two people are alike so no two caregiving situations are alike. I love my mother dearly but she has become so unreasonable in her old age. Demanding and entitled to the point of asking that I leave my husband to care for her. She doesn't have any diagnosed dementia but has a personality disorder that has become increasingly difficult to manage. She is stubborn and defiant so caregiving is nearly unbearable. I have been assisting her for 10 years. She refuses to move unless it is into my home and wants my bedroom. My husband has refused so I continue to drive hours to help her and get little compliance from her. All of this is what contributes to the "burden". It's not that I don't love her, or that I don't want to help her. It's that the all-consuming, complete and total surrender of my own life and family that I cannot submit to. And that is all my mother will accept.

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Momsgoto - it sounds as if your mom is unreasonable - that doesn't mean you have to do what she wants. You need to protect yourself and your family - and it sounds as if you are setting boundaries so that you are not under the tsunami of your mom's wants. Good for you for helping her - but not drowning.

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Nursing homes are full of people who swore they were going to age in place. I carry one ApoE4 gene for late onset Alzheimer's, so I fully expect to go to Memory Care at best, nursing home at worst. I have two LTC policies and have let my 2 children know that I won't mind going to a nursing home if they want to put me there. Right now my unencumbered RN daughter is visiting her father (my ex) in nursing home every day to bring his dog for visit. He has dementia of some sort but occasionally gets better and physically he is in good shape and takes no medications. My son visits only rarely, but handles (or perhaps mishandles) his father's finances. My kids do not get along and their father's illness is making it worse. I can tell my memory is starting to go, so I plan to see attorney this year to make out new will. I hope I die before I need to go to a facility, but I have said I know it will be probably be necessary and have said it is okay while I am still in my right mind--sort of.

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Help yourself out by:
#1 Putting long-term care into your investment portfolio.
#2 See your medical professional now...not next month or next year.
#3 Stay active.
#4 Amend your home for your aging needs.

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Momsgoto: I understand your situation and am in a similar one. Our mothers have a personality disorder, bipolar, narcissistic or both. If you are like me then you were conditioned from an early age to please her. Or certainly not disappoint her. We know now that we are free but still the old dominating relationship keeps haunting us. This was an issue discussed at length in another thread last year. Key words: narcissistic, bipolar. Maybe that's not entirely your situation but there are many of us around 60 years old who are going through this now and wrote excellent testaments here in this group. I have found the strain on my marriage particularly difficult, since my wife is no longer welcome in her home. It would be easy and justified to simply walk away, but we are dealing with a parent with diminished capacity whom we owe our very existence to.

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Echo the other answers, Downsize, get your directives in order, stay active, mentally and physically.

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I didn't read all the replies, so forgive me if this has already been said. No, nobody wants to be a burden to their children, but what were they to us growing up? Didn't we sacrifice for them with our time, money, and physical care? This is what families do. Parents take care of children, and children care for their parents in their old age. Everyone is helpless at some time in his life and needs loving care.

I know that caring for a baby is often a joy, and caring for someone who is old and dying is sad and often frustrating, but that is life. We do what we can and get help when we need it. I hope I don't ever have to be a burden on my children as I see so many people here sacrificing so much to take care of elderly relatives, but nobody can plan their last years. If it happens, then it happens.

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Joeabroad - Yes I feel exactly the same way. It is so difficult to set boundaries with someone who is so skilled at squirming around them. She finds a way to hook me in. And the medical professionals are no help whatsoever. In fact, they sometimes make things worse because the do not recognize the issues and say things that enable her.

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The reality is... if you are not a multimillionaire, you will not have enough money to avoid being a burden.

As SueC pointed out....even a large saving is wiped completely out by one major illness...and asnyou age you can expect that to happen.

At $5000 to $8000 per month AC....at today's prices can you afford to live without free care? For how long without income? Where do you think the free care will come from?

There simply is no way to have the money to handle 30+ years of old age...and likely 10+ years of needing a caregiver.

After doing all the math...I realize that there is only one other way.

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I love my mom and we are very close...our family has a lot of longevity so I've seen my share of fast and slow progression..I think you need to start with your own depression...It is very difficult to deal with a sick relative, when you are not mentally or physically well....You will have to pay for the help, but, get a relative or company to give you a respite...check in a hotel, or visit a friend...see your doctor to talk about it...

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This is hard. I do not want to live to when I can no longer do things for myself, but who is to say. My mom died two weeks after she took ill with a heart condition at 72. My brother died instantly with an anuerism. My dad put us through the mill in the last 4 years of developing dementia at 83. He taught us so much. It was very hard watching him, He was in AL for two years and it breaks my heart just thinking about it. He was a fiercely independent man. So are both my sister and I. I would not want the same for my sons. They are very caring now. It is hard watching the deterioration, it is harder having to manage the parent. It can be soul-destroying from many angles. I cant imagine what it must be in the mind of the parent, if it can comprehend it's dependency and helplessness.
Some are just angry I guess.

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My mother had to care for both her grandmother and her mother. I thought I would have to care for her, but she died of metastatic liver disease after two weeks in hospital. My father had died years before of heart attack at 63. Now my single daughter (an RN) is caring for her father (my ex) who is in nursing home with dementia, and she is afraid she will have to quit her job if the money runs out before he does. I have a son, but he has a family with health problems of their own (wife has heart failure and older daughter has type 1 diabetes). My son and daughter don't get along and I wonder who will care for her as she has no children and is very overweight and with a bad knee. I am 80 with one copy of Apo4 gene for late onset Alzheimer's so of course I think every lapse of memory is the beginning of the end. I would take something now if I could get hold of it, but my daughter won't tell me what I should get!

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Yes, prepay funeral plots and caskets.
Create and maintain your will.
State your wishes before your demise.

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I personally would prefer physician suicide when the time comes, and I see a few folks posting similar thoughts. But it may end up hurting loved ones irreparably if they don't see it your way. Perhaps one way to deal with this is to make it an ongoing conversation way ahead, so that thoughts and feelings have time to process.

And write to our politicians to support physician assisted suicide for dementia.

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Anotherjoe - I agree with you. But how can people who have dementia or Alz and are no longer in control of their mind ask for suicide?
I think if I ever get diagnosed with Alz, I will stop taking any medication that would prolong my body if there is no medication to help prolong my brain as well. I'll let nature take its course. Why drag the body on when the brain is dying.

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When we were having our health care directives written (and everyone should do that!), the lawyer inserted a statement to the effect that we should not be fed if we were not able to swallow our food. She said that when the end is near for an alzheimers patient, they forget how to swallow and it's cruel to try to force them to eat. Our HCD also states that we are not to be given tube feedings or other extraordinary measures to keep us alive beyond a very short initial period of evaluation. I was kind of confused about this until she explained it to me and now I am comfortable with it. It's what so many of you are saying, but unless you have your wishes in a signed and notarized directive, the health care providers will take extraordinary means to keep you alive. Otherwise they are open to being sued by the surviving family. Talk to your lawyer (and pick one who is well versed in elder law), and get your wishes written down and signed and notarized in the necessary legal documents.

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Note to self: Finish will, find a good elder law attorney to help prepare Health Care Directives. This year.

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I wish that dementia would be classified as a terminal disease for which assisted suicide would be an option. More states are allowing it, but are so strict, with only a six month life expectancy allowed, etc. The country is heading for a financial crisis; as others have pointed out, most dementia patients will wind up on Medicaid, and there are no guarantees that will be around, especially as the number of dementia patients increases. I expect that more states will pass filial responsibility laws, and that nursing homes will drive the families of dementia patients to virtual destitution.

I intend to stay vigilant for any signs, and to go with dignity. I've heard of some people ending it through voluntarily stopping eating and drinking, but don't know if I have the self-discipline for that. And even if I could save millions, which I can't, I don't want to rot in a miserable nursing home or be a burden. So suicide is the answer for me.

Actually, I think we need a word other than suicide. There is a difference between suicide from despair, which should be prevented, and rational end of life management. There are fates worse than death. Dementia is worse, much worse.

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Put simply - I like 'note to self'. Since reading the various reactions to this topic, it has, at least, alerted me to get on with mulled over items, like POA. My daughter downloaded the available doc for me. She quietly thanked me for thinking ahead. It is with some surprise that I find how fully and well areas are covered - in effect, the living will wishes, within the law, but desire not to prolong life artificially, etc. Also, various options on involvement or otherwise, of selected relatives, and more relating to issues raised lately. While in sound mind, with assurances by witnesses or professionals, as desired .. so now, writers, seems to be the time! My impression is that the 'conditions' on paper are much improved. From my experience with a husband with increasing dementia (but not personality changes) over more than a decade - even at the beginning, mental confusion would not have offered him any opportunity to choose drastic action, as some would wish - he had loved life & was proud - how mortified and sad, he would have been to know that he wound up on 24/7 caring. I do think that it can be a consolation, if not an easier burden, to know that folk like him, live instead in a passing world with no connections, after all. And talking of burdens - should we not be careful to be imposing burdens on our Offspring,or Caring relatives, even friends, by threatening a violent demise? No doubt every generation has the same horror of dementia or related outcome, to dread -- unfortunately, no cure on horizons.. but let's watch out for a quiet or hopefully dignified way out ? ,,without laying a trail of guilt or fear on others, who do know about these things, privately, too !
Good luck, Polarbear -and to all of us ! PS: I am getting on with de-cluttering, quickly.

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Friends, Exercise, eat right, meditate, & try to have a belly laugh everyday.

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Perhaps we will be allowed to turn ourselves off.

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What do we do to NOT become a burden for our children?

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