My mother, for 1 year has had a broken brain. Not really sure what is wrong. Loneliness, depression, anxiety. I am an only child with a wonderful husband that I am protecting from all of this mess, and no children. I live about 10 minutes from my mother. I work about 10 to 15 minutes from my mother. When I go visit her every other day, I spend about an hour and a half with her. Everything is okay I guess. I don't mind physically helping her with anything, but when she starts in on how miserable she is and how lonely she is, it is terrible for both of us. She has outlived family and friends. This once, vibrant woman, who up til a year ago, was mowing her own yard at 86, has given up living. I CAN'T STAND when she starts in about moving in with my husband and I. I try to be nice and tell her that is not an option. She said she is afraid, and I tell her that I will move her to this very nice retirement/AL/NH facility in our area. She doesn't want that. I try to be patient with her, and then after a while, day after day of her complaining, and no matter how many times, I tell her that she is not moving in, she still says it. I tell her that somehow, deep down inside of her, she likes getting me upset. I lose my temper and I say stuff that is not me, but I pray each time I talk to her for God's words to come out of my mouth and asking for patience and courage, and then, I guess the Devil comes out. Any ideas on what to keep saying to her each time she mentions moving in. I have tried being quiet, hanging up the phone, walking outside, crying, cussing, yelling, and NOTHING works. I am not a bad person, who is not acting like a good person. Ideas please. Thank you.
Best of luck. My mom is a couple weeks shy of 89 and we (includes husband and 2 college aged girls) moved in with her about 3 years ago. It has been difficult to say the least. She is limited in her English and refuses or can't keep in touch with any friends and family. She wants me in the house with her 24/7 especially when it gets dark. Her mind is broken and all I can do is change my behavior toward her. It has taken me a while but I pay for help and when we go away the aide will sleep over. I refuse to be her everything but I am no longer living just for her needs. My brother and his wife have not taken any measure to help or give us a break so I spend her money on her needs. She deserves to be a person and treated as such. It is sad for all involved, but you must do what works for you and your husband.
Blessings
You might want to say a little white lie like we are 5rying to get things ready for you. It really depends on how far the disease has progressed.
See if you can take a Caregiver class, the class I took was given through our Elder Option program. They discuss that kind of matter and also ask her doctor.
Please take this the right way. You don't have to give up your life to make your mom's wishes come true. I have seen too many marriages and families broken up by a elderly parent moving in. You have to put up boundaries with mom or you'll wind up being the 24/7 caregiver with no job.
I love my mom as we all love our parents or we wouldn't be in this forum. She needs love and care like we all do but you can't ignore your family or yourself. She needs to socialize with her own age group. Church? Community senior programs?
I answer you with alot of experience in this area. Sometimes the answer is no.
this accomplished the emotional distance b/c I wouldn’t yell at an old person. I would be able to be more patient and repetitive without getting sucked into the crazy.
im sure you have your reasons for shielding your husband, but maybe he can run some interference- if it does not hurt your relationship.
You need to take your mother to visit a day care when they are having an activity for her see what they do. They may let her participate a little bit and she may find she enjoys it. Also, once her mental health has been determined whether she can go into a Assisted Living or a facility for more care then take to visit when they will be their having their activities. You can call ask the time they will be having activities and you would like your mom to see. They may asked your mom to participate with them. She might find this to be a better fit for her and she might feel more secure and comfortable. If her mind is fine and she can do assisted living they have groups that go to stores such as Walmart or grocery stores and she can do some of her own shopping and even if she really doesn't buy anything it gets her out and maybe she just needs a change of scenery and feel like she still is independent.
As someone said previously definitely get her mental state checked out and all legal paperwork taken care of in advance. It will take a neurologist to do testing and MRI, they had to on my mother. I wish you the very best. I know this is extremely hard and stressful.
As you said, her brain is broken. It's frustrating (even more for you than her). Throw logic out the window.
Find an IL/AL/Memory Care near you, that you like. Start planning to move her in. Explain to mom that you are in the planning stages. Make sure you describe it in VERY EARLY stages...thinking about renovation, considering contractors... Explain that she must move to the senior community while the planning is happening - she'd have to downsize and sell regardless of where she'd move to. Be vague, but firm. Therapeutic lies are important - but, maintain the essential truth - you ARE thinking about it, you ARE considering it (you're just not doing it).
You ARE a good person, but there's only so much a person can take. I always found it helpful to quickly change the subject and leave, if possible. Something, like "oh, did I tell you so-and-so got a new job" or whatever. A few words on it and then a "Gotta run!"
If all goes well, she'll move into a community, quickly adapt, and you'll just have to suffer through the "how are the plans coming along" conversation that she'll no doubt continue to pursue.
I wish you well.
Sometimes situations get out of hand and it simply becomes impossible to care for them. If we do choose to care for others in this manner we are neglecting ourselves to the point of being a masochist.
Be honest. Would you volunteer to stay with our relatives that are so unreasonable? No, you wouldn’t so please rethink this and don’t judge others unless you are in their shoes. Everyone has different circumstances. There isn’t one blanket answer that fits everyone. There is no ‘one size fits all.’
The second strategy would be as others others have stated; agree, but don’t give a timeline or any specific details, and you can drag this out indefinitely. This may very well backfire on you though, because she will probably tell workers there and all other family members that you have promised this; then you’ll look like a jerk for stringing her along.
You only have control over your own actions, not hers; I would highly recommend the first option because it’s truthful and sets boundaries with her. Even if you did take her in, you wouldn’t be able to provide her with the 24/7 care that she needs. Please let us know how you decide to proceed and a big virtual hug to you from Denver.
Live and learn for those of us who are either completely dumb or felt that we could perform miracles!
I look back and see how clueless I was. Naive or something. Or maybe an idealist thinking I just needed to find the right approach. There is no right approach in some situations.
1. If you have the time, look for Assisted Living or Continuing Care Retirement Communities in your area, not just the one you are aware of. Make appointments with your mother to tour the communities. You don't have to tell her up front where you are going. Most of these communities will offer you lunch with a tour, so tell her you are taking her to lunch. Look at all of the communities in your area. AL today is NOT what your mother thinks of when she thinks old person retirement home! Make a list of the things your mom likes to do, go over the list with your mom, get her to agree to the list. She is not agreeing yet to move, she is agreeing to the list of things that she likes to do. Then, when you are at the communities, go over the list with the representative at the community. Then have your mom weigh how many of the things she likes to do, she can do at home, versus how many more things she will get to do when she is living in AL. How many things does she not like about living alone; how many of those things will be rectified by living in AL - she won't be lonely anymore if she doesn't want to be!!
2.) If you don't have time to do all this legwork, contact a Senior Placement Specialist who can do it for you. Depending on the service you contact, they may not charge: they depend on the community to provide them with a "bonus". But be careful that they don't have contracts with just a few limited communities or you will only be directed to those who give them the best bonus. The other option is to pay someone for the service and be more sure that they have your best interests in mind.
3.) After your mom has "seen the light", call the Caring Transitions office in your area to accomplish the downsizing and relocation effort for your mom. It's a lot easier for a third party expert to help your mom downsize appropriately, than for family to tackle this task. We know we are dealing with a life time collection of belongings, but we are not attached to them, so it's much easier for us to help her make decisions. She also doesn't get to push your buttons that way. I know, I understand because I went through this same situation with my parents, and that experience is part of the reason that we are in this business today. We wanted to be able to help others avoid the pain we endured.
My mom was once much like yours, vibrant, open-minded and then not at all, and became damned unpleasant. I took her to a geriatrician who diagnosed depression, and prescribed Cymbalta. It eased my mom's symptoms quite a bit.
It's a place to start.
You sound like a decent, caring human doing the best you can in a difficult situation, one that increasing numbers of people in our demographic now find ourselves having to navigate. Sadly, there's no manual.
I wish you well.
R27
YB has quite the temper, she knew that when she moved in with him. One reason she chose that option was b/c his house could be added onto without a lot of fuss and they all gained some space. AND the fact I am 5 minutes away and could help with caregiving of daddy. He passed 15 years ago.
Mom is not happy with the way YB treats her, a lot of the time. But as I said, the other 4 sibs and I tried mightily to talk her out living with him. She would not listen.
I tell her, straight out "Mother, WE'RE looking to move b/c of all the stairs in our house. You can't step up one single stair, unless you have 2 strong men helping you. My house is not set up for you." Falls on deaf ears. She's asked the other 3 living sibs and the answer is a flat no.
A HUGE part of this is that she has hoarded out her place and what is really very functional and spacious for one person is jampacked with junk. CLEANING her place and removing a large couch and a huge dresser she can't even open would make a big difference, but she doesn't want that, she wants fresh and new and someplace she doesn't have to deal with YB's tantrums. None of us can calm him or help him, he just has anger issues and in fairness, never thought he'd be dealing with a 90 yo needy mother.
I am as supportive as I can be, but a recent cancer/chemo regimen has made it impossible for me to help at all, I can barely take care of ME, let alone an aged woman who drives me nuts.
I would say, in hindsight, be careful about the plans to bring mom or dad into your home with the idea that it will be fine and you'll all get along---it's a dynamic few families can really handle.
Mom is now with my brother and his wife. I wish her well even if we no longer have a relationship. Too much water under the bridge at this point. It’s sad but with the help of therapy I am learning to cope better.
Fortunately, I have an incredible husband who was my calming force when I lost control. I have wonderful daughters and I have never put them in the position of taking sides. They enjoyed their grandmother but it still hurt them to see me being hurt by her.
I have no desire to interfere with my children’s relationship with their grandmother or to rob my mother of her grandchildren. It’s a separate relationship and I respect that. They do call her and speak to her. They don’t care much for my brother because he isn’t very likable.
Stop trying to reason with your mom. I foolishly tried to reason with my mom about issues and it wasn’t the right choice. They are set in their ways. Each person ends up feeding off of the other one’s negativity. I was naive and thought that I could persuade her to see beyond her narrow minded views. I was wrong! No one has the power to change anyone or their views.
Put two stubborn women together in the same house and it’s a surefire recipe for disaster! God bless my poor husband for what he lovingly put up with. It’s my biggest regret. He didn’t deserve that. Thank God he is a patient man and understood my confusion about my circumstances.
A friend once told me that I would always know that my husband’s love was tried and true because it was tested and he passed with flying colors. I don’t ever doubt how much he loves me.
I have his dear sweet mother to thank for the man that he turned out to be. She raised her sons very well. She was the best mother in law in the world to me. She herself had a miserable mother in law and a miserable mother, a double whammy! She promised me that she would never treat me that way. She kept her promise. I admire people like her who break the cycle of hurting others. I miss her dearly. She died way too young at age 68 with lymphoma.
It is OK to be firm in your resolve that mom NOT live with you. You are responsible to make sure she is safe and healthy - and she appears to be both. I would suggest that you remind her that she may live at home or in a residential facility.... and then change the subject.
Sometimes seniors get "fixated" on certain subjects. My Gram was fixated for awhile on "how awful" my Gramps brother treated him and that they ended up selling their share of the business. It happened over 50 years ago! I reminded her of the last time she saw her BIL and his family. I reminded her that we "decided" to forgive this situation. Then, I promptly diverted the topic to something else more current or more pleasant.
I would just do a back round check
and check all references.
Plus she gets to stay in her own home. Good Luck.
As hard as it is to watch our parents decline, it is just as difficult to become the caretaker and reverse your roles. You have to become the “boss” for her own good.
There may be a medical treatment that can be helpful. There may actually be a medical problem that should be addressed. You don’t have to wait “til something happens to get her to the doctor.”
Good luck,
Charlotte
adult daycare.. check those out if available.
call her doctor, social worker, get ideas from them.. geriatric doctor?
do take her to senior care facilities, do smell them, look, see who is out in the common areas, anyone stuck in a wheel chair in a room? how many residents, are the content, happy, clean?
do that homework see what mom may be willing to try.
Hugs 🤗
Have you looked into hiring a companion to come in and keep her company and share a meal however often you can afford?
My mom is in assisted living memory care and often becomes anxious and says she wants to go home. At first I tried talking to her logically about the reality of her situation. That only increased her anxiety and confusion.
Now I tell her what will calm her. For my mom it’s telling her that there’s no one to take her today, but we can make a plan tomorrow.
For your mother I might invent some problems or renovations in your home that would prevent you from taking her in. If it’s not one thing it’s another.
I’ve learned to leave situations before I get too upset because like you I don’t want to say hurtful things. Before things get out of control I often say I made plans and have to leave even if the plans are just not being there. If pressed I’ll say anything plausible and that it can’t be postponed.
Your mother sounds overwhelmed and terrified because her life has been taken from her. I encourage you to share this with others. In situations with such strong emotions it’s often difficult to see beyond the problem into solutions.
My mother is 95 years old. I hated her and my 4 siblings still hate her. But I am an empath intuitive and now after seeing how inhumane the hospitals and extended care facilities are. She has a bit of dementia but is generally still quite independent. While she was in the extended care facility, she fell twice due to the negligence of the facility and was sexually assaulted by an aide. My compassion surpassed my hatred for her. In fact, I love her so much now, not because she has changed, but because I have. As an empath, we we feel the pain of others quite tangibly. What I couldn't tolerate before, I now see someone who did the best she knew how and how much she sacrificed... I never realized until now. I never thought I would ever want her to move in, but I did it happily and it brought me joy to help her. My siblings are not supportive, but that's ok... they have their own journeys. My life has changed because of what has happened and I am so grateful that I have been given this unexpected final gift. I wish you all the best. Bless you and your mom!
PS... I know you are not a bad person, just stay open and let God do the rest. Hugs to you!