My mother, for 1 year has had a broken brain. Not really sure what is wrong. Loneliness, depression, anxiety. I am an only child with a wonderful husband that I am protecting from all of this mess, and no children. I live about 10 minutes from my mother. I work about 10 to 15 minutes from my mother. When I go visit her every other day, I spend about an hour and a half with her. Everything is okay I guess. I don't mind physically helping her with anything, but when she starts in on how miserable she is and how lonely she is, it is terrible for both of us. She has outlived family and friends. This once, vibrant woman, who up til a year ago, was mowing her own yard at 86, has given up living. I CAN'T STAND when she starts in about moving in with my husband and I. I try to be nice and tell her that is not an option. She said she is afraid, and I tell her that I will move her to this very nice retirement/AL/NH facility in our area. She doesn't want that. I try to be patient with her, and then after a while, day after day of her complaining, and no matter how many times, I tell her that she is not moving in, she still says it. I tell her that somehow, deep down inside of her, she likes getting me upset. I lose my temper and I say stuff that is not me, but I pray each time I talk to her for God's words to come out of my mouth and asking for patience and courage, and then, I guess the Devil comes out. Any ideas on what to keep saying to her each time she mentions moving in. I have tried being quiet, hanging up the phone, walking outside, crying, cussing, yelling, and NOTHING works. I am not a bad person, who is not acting like a good person. Ideas please. Thank you.
My mother begged me for 5 years to relocate to where I live. I almost died from a ruptured appendix and caved. It took us 7 months to close in a house we bought together. Every time i asked her if it was really a good idea or if she thought maybe we should stop the process she said things like " you just dont want me there. " or " you dont want me to be happy". We bought a beautiful old house and renovated it. Its gorgeous. We live in a wonderful area and she can walk everywhere. She has completely assimilated into the community and had many friends and does a lot of volunteering. Here's the catch...shes a narcissist.
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She told me I coerced her into moving here so I could have a house with my boyfriend (who is my husband now, God bless him) . She told me of all the mistakes she ever made in her life this one is the worst. And on it goes. I have made peace with the situation after all this time, but she is a nightmare. Shes showing signs of memory loss and I know the worst is yet to come.
Please let your mom own her own misery, it doesn't belong to anyone else.
make friends there and they have activities and truly that is your best option -
tell her the next time she brings it up to move in with you say you have made
arrangements to have her go to the assisted living.
we all become the parents - maybe talk to the people there - bring her and show her around and they will maybe have a way of talking to her that will bring her
around. good luck - you are a good daughter
1. To feel wanted. To be invited somewhere.
2. To be looked after.
3. She wanted someone else to organise it (she realised she couldn't but didn't want to admit it)
I wonder if that is what's going on here?
An invitation to lunch at a local AL may be a start.
Get her checked out for anything physical that might be contributing to her distress
She mentions moving in, you say "sorry, that is not an option" and find a way to leave before you get upset. Every time. Call it a day. Visit, do what you have to do and leave as soon as she starts up.
An unhappy person moving in will just make you and your husband miserable. I would tell her that your primary relationship is your marriage and you don’t want to add a third person to your household. Maybe she’ll get that on some level.
Next time she carries on, tell her you are not bringing that behavior into your house on a permanent basis. Then show her the AL brochures.
Do you need to spend 1.5 hours there every other day? Not sure what you mean by “protecting” your husband here. Do you mean he has no clue what’s going on between you and her?