Hi, I have been caring for my elderly father (83) for around 8-9 years. Recently these last few years his health is declining. His had several falls, his breathing is not good due to being a smoker most of his life. He has emphysema.
The last few years have felt more and more demanding and challenging. Covid seem to magnify any existing problems. I have not really been able to do much of anything for myself durning these last 4 years.
My question is what should be expected from family in terms of support. I have reached out many times out of despair and frustration hoping for some help or understanding. The response is always well wishes and kind words, but nothing in terms of action to help at all.
Recently I have had to speak plainly to them about our fathers health condition and frustration that comes with it. Yet I'm still meet with indifference.
Is this normal? Have I expected too much from them?
All I can say is God sees everything. A nurse for my father spoke with me about my family dynamic and she said "please don't worry about what's going on now with your siblings. Focus on your father's care if you have to outsource because other family members won't step up so be it. I have been a nurse in the geriatric field for over 30 years and I don't believe in karma but what goes around definitely does come around. She continued, I've seen it every time. Your siblings will see the error of their ways."
This helped me, not the karma part, but knowing others have been through this. It's hard. That conversation gave me the impetus to put out to my siblings that Dad needs help. If they don't respond in anyway and by a certain date, I bring in the agency. I only do what I can do.
I have grown a very thick skin and let their excuses of why they can't see Dad roll off of me.
The one thing I don't understand is can't they atleast say thank you for all I have been doing! Selfishness at it's height!
My experience was they were happy when I was doing everything and didn’t have interest in what exactly my parents needed. When I had to put my mother ( a year after Dad died ) in a facility , then they were interested , had suggestions , and criticism , although none of them offered to take care of my parents in lieu of placing them in a facility .
I have never figured out how all but one of my siblings thought they could demand I continue being in servitude and not offering to help at the same time . Even my sister in law got pushy , agreed with the rest who said I should have quit my job , left my husband and teen daughter and moved in with Mom. I couldn’t have Mom live with me , no downstairs full bath , mom could not be home alone and refused any hired help coming into the house . Ironically that sister in law placed her own mother in AL about a year later .
Good for you for growing a thick skin . I never complained to my siblings nor asked for help and had to go mostly no contact to deal with the criticism . It was hard enough dealing with a narcissist with dementia .
I don’t understand the selfishness either , except , I don’t think they realized how much I was doing , because they’ve never done it. When my father died from cancer for some reason they talked about how “ we took care of him “ .” We “did not take care of him . All they did was visit him occasionally . This was at the house after the funeral . When my mother died I only saw my siblings at the wake and funeral . I skipped out on the post funeral food get together and fictional story telling .
And if the principle is impoverished, that's where Medicaid comes in.
So I decided for my sake and sanity that this would not all fall on me. I got out of hell, and I'm staying out of hell. People will take, take, take to make their lives easier, and don't care about yours.
I think if you step back, maybe someone else will step up?
I understand your frustration, because I felt it, too.
I can sympathize with your frustration. I want you to look at the other side of it, though.
How did caring for your father come to be "your" job? Did you step in during an emergency? Move in when your life was in transition? Decide unilaterally that dad needed help?
Sometimes folks paint themselves into corners. They get in to trouble and yell for help. No one shows up.
Your family isn't going to show up for dad until you change the situation. By not doing the caregiving any more.
In the end, a decision will need to be made, by dad if he's competent, by his POA if he's not, about what level of care is needed and how it gets delivered and paid for.
We are here to offer advice on how to change this situation if you want to do that
After an argument with him & him telling myself & my family how he wanted things done because he had POA & that he had control & that my mom’s affairs were none of my business I stepped away & told him he could handle everything from then on.
I would never again care for anyone without POA……..lesson learned the hard way.
It cannot be stated often enough that siblings are under ZERO obligation to do much, if anything. I do think, though, that those who exercise their right to remain at arm’s length should wisely refrain from offering suggestions and advice to the one who has actively, consciously chosen to become overly involved. And, indeed heartfelt thanks are due. But that is ALL that is “owed.” If you are sick and tired of fooling with this, for Heaven’s sake, put him in a facility -on his dime, or Medicaid’s.
To CaregiverGer, Having POA does not mean you do the physical caring. Does not mean your at the persons beck and call. Its a tool to help them when they are no longer competent to make informed decisions. Gives you the ability to pay their bills and handle financials. Gives you the ability to place them in Care. The Ability to sell their home so they have money towards their care. Medical POA allows u to talk to Drs and Nurses. To make sure the principles wishes are carried out.
See All Answers