What do you do if you are accused of theft by your elderly parents?

The only thing I can do is to send my mother cards saying I love her. She hangs up on me if I call and won't allow me to visit until I return her phantom house papers. It's so sad. I miss the town I was raised in as it has always been my only real home. Its hard to adjust. I always looked forward to my visits there every 10 weeks. It's been 15 months since I've seen her and I feel such an emptiness. I had been going to a therapist and she emphasized that I had done nothing wrong. I miss her so much and my life I had there. I've written her doctor since I was concerned over her mental health however never received a response..... I've been asked by relatives there what they should do and have asked them to check in on her and make sure she is okay however they only come on Sunday to eat and collect give aways. This makes you realize just how wrong you have been about your relatives.

You are definitely not alone with this. Many of us know your pain and the fear of having to go through court proceedings because of your parents' dementia. If this has happened before, hopefully others are aware of that.

It's heartbreaking when someone we love falsely accuses us of stealing. Many of us have been through this. I'm glad you had your nephew, at least. It's too bad that more relatives can't at least tell you that they know that your mom is having cognitive issues that have nothing to do with you stealing from her.

We can't change what's happening to you, but we can tell you that we do understand how badly this hurts. Please keep coming back to read what others say.
Carol

After a year ago last christmas my mother has accused me of stealing musical instruments, books, and tearing out pages of scrapbooks, etc. I told her I never took anything but everytime I called her it was one thing after another. I've flown out every 10-12 weeks before that for the last 10 years and stayed with her for at least a week every trip. it happened all of a sudden except for a few year she's been very mean to me and taking telephone conversations and twisting them around saying I said the opposite to anything I've said. No one except one family member, a nephew, has stood up for me and he was shut down immediately by her. I can't call her anymore because when I do she unleases much hurtful accusations against me. I have been the only one in all my life who has cared and helped her and it hurts so much. I'm afraid to call her because it's so hurtful.

After a year ago last christmas my mother has accused me of stealing musical instruments, books, and tearing out pages of scrapbooks, etc. I told her I never took anything but everytime I called her it was one thing after another. I've flown out every 10-12 weeks before that for the last 10 years and stayed with her for at least a week every trip. it happened all of a sudden except for a few year she's been very mean to me and taking telephone conversations and twisting them around saying I said the opposite to anything I've said. No one except one family member, a nephew, has stood up for me and he was shut down immediately buy her. I can't call her anymore because when I do she unleases much hurtful accusations against me. I have been the only one in all my life who has cared and helped her and it hurts so much. I'm afraid to call her because it's so hurtful.

After a year ago last christmas my mother has accused me of stealing musical instruments, books, and tearing out pages of scrapbooks, etc. I told her I never took anything but everytime I called her it was one thing after another. I've flown out every 10-12 weeks before that for the last 10 years and stayed with her for at least a week every trip. it happened all of a sudden except for a few year she's been very mean to me and taking telephone conversations and twisting them around saying I said the opposite to anything I've said. No one except one family member, a nephew, has stood up for me and he was shut down immediately buy her. I can't call her anymore because when I do she unleases much hurtful accusations against me. I have been the only one in all my life who has cared and helped her and it hurts so much. I'm afraid to call her because it's so hurtful.

I think my sister may be "gaslighting" our mom to make her question her sanity. After a family meeting to distribute some valuables to us 4 siblings, my brother ended up with our mom's 14k gold nursing pin. My sister wanted it so she just grabbed it from him - I saw with my own two eyes sitting right next to him. So next day my mom asked me who ended up with her pin, I told her my sister had grabbed it from brother. She asked my sister about it and she denied having it. So my mom was very upset that it was lost and she and I together searched her drawer she keeps all her jewelry in for 20 min. and I can say with absolute certainty it was not there. A month later my mom tells me she has found it in that drawer! I think my sister is trying to make my mom question her mental fitness in order to get control of her by having her declared incompetent. She may be taking things and having our mom look for them, then later secretly returning them and having our mom find them as if they had been there all along. This is a horrible way to have to think about my sister's treatment of our mom, but she is a liar, thief and I put nothing past her. She has made it very obvious that her goal is to get all of the inheritance for herself cutting her siblings out. My mom blindly trusts her and there's no way to convince her that she is a scheming evil person. Tough situation and very sad...but nothing I can do since my mom wants her in control of her life.

I am going through the same thing with my mom. She accuses me of being greedy and taking everything. She wanted to purchase a handicap van and traded her car for it. I had to put the van in my name as she did not have a drivers license and can't register it without one. She accuses me of stealing the van which is sitting outside her apartment and she accuses the lady that stays with her of taking it and going off to bars and such. The lady has the patience of a saint, but I know that she can only take so much also!

This is solo common in elder parents. It's happened to me and my brother and mom continually brings it up and repeats the theft to whoever will listen. She won't let us "help" locate missing items, jewelry, money, wills, poas, etc. I finally just let it go. Relatives call and that is what is most offensive since they have no idea what we deal with nor call, visit mom to see how she really is and the extent of the dementia.

Now, I just encourage her to call the police and make a report. They have her number as she accused my brother and her friend of robbing her safety deposit box....LOL. Police called me and I explained and because she has called for various mis accusations of neighbors and friends they no longer respond.

It's sad. I have read that you should remove valuables and lock them up in a safe place from your loved one. They suggest following the loved one as they root thru and hide stuff so you know their favorite hiding spots -- do so such that they are not aware of your spying. Also let them have drawers, bins, etc. that have items they can rummage thru and freely hide items, etc. without worry. Then if they hide stuff, search out their favorite spots and help them "find the lost article".

It hurts to be accused, but eventually, you may find it funny as I've grown to. PS. The funniest story my mom told was that my brother had flown across the country, broke into the house, stole her safe deposit keys, went to bank, stole $17K all in ones, from her safety dep box and then "only left her the rubber band"...the deposit box is a small one --so that $17K in ones musta been packed in darn tight...LOL. Then he went out and paid cash for a new FIAT. Hilarious. He's retired and lives across the country. We had a good laugh. BTW, she did go to the police and they called me about the accusation.

My mom is accusing her great- granddaughters of stealing from her. They are in collage and paid by my sister to clean my mom's home. They love her dearly and I know would never take anything from her. My mom calls me all the time to tell me things they have taken from her. She thinks they are trying to make everyone think she is loosing her mind so we will put her in a nursing home and they won't have to clean her home any more. She doesn't want to tell my sister because she is afraid Becky the girls mom would be hurt by this and she loves Becky and would never want to hurt her. I don't know what to tell her when she accuses them. I have looked and found a lot of things and she always says well they brought it back trying to make her think she is going crazy. She has even said that if she had a gun she would shoot herself because she can't stand this. I know she will need help to clean her home if they don't do it and I am sure she will accuse that person of taking things too.

@pamzimmnt it seems like most of the entries on here is the mother flipping out on their daughter. I was wondering why. I guess there are some things we will never know.
I just don't understand how a mother can disown their own for such stupid stuff!?!? And my sister Who had to endure years of her slandering me. She would flip out on my sis and get mad at her if she didn't agree. Now because she stood up for me, she is disowned. It sounds like a sick twisted dement movie one would watch on tv.
It's a good thing your dad forgets about it the next day. And you and your mom can laugh about it. I can imagine you guys looking for who knows what!! LOL
I too would have to find my dad's things he would always misplace. It always seemed to be his glasses cuz he couldn't see to find them. LOL

My father does something similar at times. Yesterday he went outside ( we still have snow) and was looking all around under a car, and on the deck railings. When we got him back in he said he had put money out "there" and someone had taken it. He was really mad and we could not get through to him that even if he had, the snow would have "moved it"..LOL a few days before this he called Mom and I upstairs to the bedroom to look for "something" he had lost. He had no idea what we were looking for, and neither did we! That was fun.. under the bed, in all the drawers... luckily he forgets it by the next day

Wow, there's so many similarities in all your stories! I had made some poor choices years ago and surrendered my life to God. Life was very good. Helping my parents on the weekends with cleaning, cooking or whatever they needed, and always showering them with gifts. My dad love Irish Cream and I made sure he was always stocked up with it. I took care of my dad so my mom could take a trip to her hometown. My dad had suffered from a stroke and I was there for them all the time.
I found out that my brothers and parents found a new home to move my parents into (surprise) smaller with no stairs. I did most of the packing for them and we all got together and moved them. I had listen to my mom accuse her youngest grandson of taking money whenever he would come over. She said she could tell that her change was gone. During the move she had a huge pot filled with change and on top was a dollar bill. She said the dollar was gone after the grandson moved it to the new house. As we were almost finished with the move, I came out of the bathroom and heard someone in my parents bedroom. I opened the door to find this grandson in my parents safe. I told my mom that she should talk to my brother but she said, no way she would ever tell him as that would break his heart.
A couple months after their move, my mother called me yelling and accusing me of stealing some old coins and I had better bring them back. She threaten to tell my dad as that was always her threat when we were young kids. Put the fear of our dad in us. I talked to my sister in law who said she was going to talk to my mom and wasn't going to let this go further as she knows my mom will hold a grudge forever. Soon I found out that the blame went from me to my youngest daughter. A little bird must have whispered in her ear. (My daughter was caught shoplifting years before as a teen) After my ex husband found out about this, he called my mom and gave her a rightful earful and he also got a hold of my brother telling him he needs to look at his teenage son for the missing coins. I also found out that she had a bottle of Elvis Presley wine that someone filled with water. Yes, I was once again accused of that. Really?? And it was because I had gotten the flu one night I was there, so that is her reasoning. Like I can't buy my owe bottle of wine!! I tried calling my mom several times only to hear her say horrible things about me, that they have disowned me, and I am off the will. I went to visit my father in the hospital only to be rejected from him because of my mom's lies. So for me, enough was enough!! There was no changing her demented mind! She is not reasonable at all! Now this has been going on for four years now and the only one who has ever taken a stand for me is my sister and because of that, she has been disowned and taken out of the will! How evil can one be!?!? I no longer call her my mom as I don't know who this person is and she has destroyed so many relationships. I wasn't even allowed to set with family at my dad's memorial.
I have five children and six grandchildren. My other siblings and spouses act all la de da and one sister in law says there's nothing wrong with my mom when I said she has dementia. Because she can live by herself they think she's okay.
Because my faith is strong in God, I have been on a journey of healing and forgiveness as I know one day, God will vindicate me but until then I will continue to trust in Him with all my heart.
So this isn't a question but more of an encouragement for others who are suffering unjustly. Hold your head up and know that God knows the truth and one day (maybe not in this lifetime) He will vindicate those of us who have been wrongly accused. We will go through trials and tribulations but He is with us always, even to the end of time.
God Bless each one of you and keep you in His protection always.

My mother has accused me of taking things from her; usually small items that she gave to me. She saw a ring on my finger one day during a visit (which was mine that I purchased myself) and said to my face that I took if from her. The best thing I can tell you is try your best to not get defensive. The more defensive and upset you act the more guilty you will appear. Freaking out will only fan flames. You can take a breath, wait 3 full seconds before replying, and be calm.

I am going through this now. I am being accused of stealing all sorts of things. My sister who lives only a couple hours away has quit visiting our Mom in support of me but our younger brother is feeding her dementia by telling her lies and teller that we say things on facebook that we do not. I am now being threatened with police action. I messaged my brother and told him to bring it on. I welcome the troopers at my house. Since my Mom's house is in my name as guardian he is angry. He wants the house and everything else. It is really hard, my sister and I were estranged from our Mom for almost 30 years and with the death of our dad, we made a huge effort to establish a relationship with our Mom. Was going well til we tried to talk her into letting me sell the house and get her into something smaller and safer. Brother has not been happy that we were back in her life and does whatever he can to sabotage the relationship. I don't know where we go from here, but it is nice to know that we are not alone.

This story is so common with elders especially with dementia...textbook really. My mom has accused me, husband or my brother of stealing something or other from the minor to major things for the last 3 years. There is no reasoning with them or convincing them otherwise and it is frustrating to both of you to even try. My mom does similar and gets in a loop over something (most recently I've stolen her Will, address book, phone books) of which I'm certain she misplaced as she constantly hides stuff or misplaces. She too can call at odd hours and rant, threaten, etc.

She did accuse my brother of stealing and went to the police to file. They called me and I explained that brother lived across the country and that my mom had dementia and the accusation was unfounded. The police dropped it and my mom continued to say police were investigating. There have been other instances, and we just try to redirect her, or say we have difference of opinion or offer to help her find the item. She refuses and basically follows anyone who is in the house including following me to bathroom and waiting outside the door. We are not allowed anywhere in the house unattended.

It's very sad, but part of the disease. I know longer get offended but when she rants on and on I just hang up, don't take calls for a few days or leave the premises while she calms herself down.

the accusations of theft have been getting more serious -- 3 years ago it was "the neighbor came in and stole a bowl" (the bowl showed up of course); 2 years ago "your husband took my blue chairs" (saw the blue chairs a few months later in her basement); 1 year ago "you took my music CDs" (she'd given these away to her nephew); now it's photographs, books, and other small items. I know the next set of accusations is going to be about money, so I've pulled back as I've been doing the tax return, ensuring bills paid, getting money back when she's double paid/overpaid etc. I'm going to let my brother and sister who are doing the current round of visiting and medical appt taking and other work, let them experience this (which is always accompanied by other statements "you're so bitter" or "you're ...." (fill in the blank with various manipulative accusative statements). If every one of my siblings expereinces this, then maybe we can get to a dementia or other diagnosis and get some institutional caregiving to happen. Unfortunately, we have one sibling who supports the thft accusations as she so badly wants to be loved by our mother, she will say anything and carry the water for her (yet herself is actually incapable of any real caregiving -- can't drive, can't shop for food, blows her soc sec check on clothes, and mooches off mother when she visits for a month at a time). Spending my free time looking for assisted living etc....

I am new to this site, but am grateful that it is here. My mom is 87 and we are pretty sure she has dementia. At least my sister and I are. My brother and my niece are in denial. I am being accused of stealing from her and it is so hard to take. I only get to see her for a month, once a year, so it makes it hard. When I visited this spring, we talked about selling the house and getting her into something safer. After I came home, she changed her mind. The house has steep stairs and I worry that she will fall. She still lives alone, though my niece and brother check on her. She is also a hoarder. With my brother in denial, she has someone to say yes , her daughter did steal from her. He backs her up. Her own sister is aware of the dementia as their brother also has it. She told me it will only get worse. Seeing others going through the same things is helpful. Thanks for being here.

OK, I have read all the above & all thou they are helpful to me, the only thing you say in the person being accused is to talk to a therapist...My mom passed away 10 months ago unexpected, left my dad alone, I have 3 other siblings that dont live in the same town as my Dad & I do, I live in my own house with my husband about 5 mins away from my dad who refuses to leave his home he wants to live & die there, I would never take him out of his home as long as he can handle living alone, the other day my brother who lives along way away from her said my dad was accusing me of taking money from his bank account, which I am not, my sister & I have power of attorney, and both her & I can pay his bill thru his bank account she can see what I do with his money & I can see what she does, she knows Im not touching his money for anything other than his bills & groceries which I mostly buy. The problem is for the past 10 months since my Mom passed, I have been the only one that looks after my Dad, my other siblings dont help me at all, I have put my grieving for my Mom who was also my best friend on the back burner so I can help my Dad get thru his process, We know he has the start of dementia but is not deemed bad enough to be put in a home, my hands are tied, until he either hurts himself, starts a fire or does something that tells the medical or mental health people hes not capable they wont help. I am having a real hard time trying to deal with all this, and the stress and strain and the fact Im missing my Mom and not gone thru the grieving process has taken its toll. Anyone from Canada that can suggest anything that helps my particular situation?? My Dad is a WWII Vet by the way and I suspect he suffers from PSTD, hes very nasty to me yells at me all the time, my Mom use to tell me he has bad dreams about the war. Im at my wits end, I would like his last year or years to be memorable ones something I can have when he is gone but right now they are miserable times and I just dont know where to turn.

My 94 year old mother said she had been saving her money and had $20,000 hidden. She said she went in the other day and the envelope was gone. Now it is only me and mom here in this house and talk about being devestated about her thinking I took all her money tore me up last night. I feel better this morning and feel like I can deal with it but it took me some time to get to this place. It does have me scared that my sisters and brother will believe that I took it.

Several years ago the house was turned over into my name since I have been here with mom for 10 years. She told me yesterday that she gave it to me. Of course I had to chime in to her and let her know that I have earned this meager little house of 59,000.00 but she insisted that I did not earn it. I shut up and went on but it does hurt me that she feels this way and now tells others that I have taken some money, lots of money. This is a very tough place to be.

i also hid the things that mom could not afford to lose...SS card, jewelry etc etc. if she lost anything i knew we didn't have to worry. Before this great idea, she did accuse me of mis spending some money but that was a brief time.

Worse my sister 5 years ago thought i snuck into town to steal mom's money....and she hasn't talked to me in 5 years over this....in the back of my mind i wonder if my sister has early onset of alzheimer's but then her husband backs her so i doubt that both of them have alzheimer's. find a solution for this issue as suggested here and earlier and love your mom as much as you can....

Awww, being called a theif and a liar is really painful. My mom has a personality disorder (NPD) and has always had more paranoia than the average person. Now, factor in dementia and mom becomes more than a handful on a daily basis. Anything that gets moved, misplaced or even thrown away may be asked for later and I will be accused of theft on a daily basis.As I live in the same house with her, I no longer attempt to defend myself. I will begin a quiet search and if found, I will place the missing item on her chair or right in her lap. We go on as though nothing has happened. If I can't find it, I just go into my room and wait out her muttering, cursing and accusations till she runs down. Of course my feelings get churned up too, but I know I am innocent and she's not in her right mind. I am setting into place, resources for her and will be getting my own place nearby. Time spent with her will need to be limited, for my own sanity. Of course, a part of me wants to feel guilty, and feel like a quitter, but leaving is the healthy thing for me to do.

You should not feel guilty about it. if you know you didnt do it, then why moved by your conscience? it's really difficult to understand some elderly but we have to deal with them

I'm appreciating everyone sharing their stories, as this is new for us. My MIL has accused us of stealing jewelry, household items, even her painkillers when she misplaced them! However, in cleaning out some of her things we found many thank-you notes (she saves everything!) from various friends and family members that she apparently gave many things to - you might look into that yourself. MIL doesn't remember giving anything away, of course, and still blames us. At least we have some proof otherwise. Good luck on this...

I have to agree be glad your mom and dad are here. I hid most of my mother's most valuable things so she wouldn't lose them. does your mom have Alzheimer's or dementia, it sounds like the early stages.

what about when they accuse you of stealing something that was never there???? How do you prove it wasnt you when they insist the item was there but never existed??? And you stole it.?

I wish my mom was here with me still hiding things. I would handle so many things differently. But those days are gone and I am sad.

The safe box at the bank will protect things you don't want lost. However, when i rea the suggestion what came to mind was you might end up making alot of bank visits. If you do use the safe box make a list of what's in it so you can reassure your LO if they ask. My mom accused my sister of stealing her silver and other stuff. That was in So CA before I knew something was wrong with mom; i didn't know what to believe. I remember my sister telling me about this. Ironically, a little side tracking here, i went to visit mom and sis cuz mom said her stomach hurt. Sister wouldn't accompany mom to er when mom had chest pains and i called my sister once to do a welfare check on mom. sister wouldn't do it so I had to call the police. i live in s.f. Anyway mom always told my sister if i was coming to town. in retrospect i guess mom didn't do so this time. arrived at moms late at night and the place was a mess. won't go into that now. next day mom and i ran around. one stop was the bank which was normal for us to do. mom wanted to close her account so i took her to the bank. i'd done so many many times. BIL walked in and the air became thick and i felt very uncomfortable. Whe mom and i got home i called my sister like i always did and she started screaming that i snuck into town to steal moms money. So its my sister accusing me and she hasn't talked to me in 5 years and only sporadically sends a card or gift to mom who is still with me in s.f. sister has never visited mom. End of rant. My mom never accused me of stealing but she hid things all the time and we'd have to take the bedroom apart to find it. She always hid the purse and i'd learn it was lost just as we were ready to walk out the door. of course we had to look for it as it had her checks and bank cards. i'd always panic wondering if she/we left it someplace but eventually we would find it. Its part of AD.

My mother has just accused me of "beating her with a cane" one evening when she was in the ALF (I'm quite sure they would have noticed, as would the other visitor who was present with me)! A few months before, I had "stolen all her jewelry." Now, she's got a "caregiver" who solicited her at the nursing home where she is employed and where my mom was recovering from a broken hip That's NOT illegal, folks! Watch out! This otherwise exceptional nursing home had no policy against their employees moonlighting, and this person was a dishwasher there, so she has no credentials at risk. This "caregiver" has rescued my mother from me, her evil daughter, and taken her home from the ALF (where three doctors said she needed to stay, post multiple strokes). She has revoked my POA, and gotten one for herself, and is looking for the "money I took from" my mother (which of course, is more of my mother's stories. Duh). So, nobody here is alone, and although I'd heard stories and seen things as an Occupational Therapist for 25+ years, I can't believe how hard it really is when it happens to you. To make matters worse, my mother was terrible at the parenting thing (to put it very very mildly), so I don't have those fond memories to soften the blows. Good luck to all of us - personally, I am always going to make plans one step ahead of my own aging, so I can do it gracefully and not destroy everyone in the process.

omg something similar here. Mother asked if I knew Chris, a worker in the dining roong at her assissted living center. At one time I do remember him living across from her in another apt complex, but when she reffered to him where she's now living, no I didn't know who he was.
She's asked me several times if I know Chris, finally I said No I don't... her response was "oh you do too, you said you did"....ahhh!! and I said, ok, so what happend did he do today? She has it out for him and doesn't trust me.
Sometimes I think she's playing mental games with me.
She said she hears kids playing in her living room at night and he's in there with them, she's afaid to get up to go to the bathroom, thinking they'll do something to her.
Got her started on meds and she seems to be doing better, however, everyweek end, she has wild stories and we're beginning to think she's not taking her meds, she's done this before and the antics only happens on the weekend when don's are not there.
whew....tired. Love to all